Perpetually Screwed: Tales of the Brotherhood
by King of the Worthless
Summary: Being a series of tales about the Brotherhood and the misfortunes and catastrophes that surround their lives. Fortunately for us, we're not the Brotherhood, and we can laugh at their miserable lives. Update: The final story has been added.
1. The Intro, Yo

In 2000, _**X-Men: Evolution **_premiered on the WB network's **Kids WB **Saturday morning block. The series showed several X-Men characters in younger forms, attending high school. Some considered this (and still do) to be Beverly Hills 90210 with mutants... and I won't deny it, a few episodes did seem like it. The series focused on six particular kids who made up to core group of X-Men... but who care about them?

In 2001, then-teenager **King of the Worthless **decided to write **X-Men: Evolution **fanfiction, focusing on the Brotherhood. Actually, I was one of the first to write Brotherhood fics (and among the few who didn't write the Brotherhood as two-dimensional thug characters, which was how they were viewed at the time), and in a way, I like to think I'm partially responsible for the surge of Brotherhood fics that followed suit (though I sort of doubt that) and the fall of Kurtty (though Lancitty or whatever it's being called took care of that anyway... not to mention big fat fucking overrated "Romy"). This continued for a while, until, in late 2001, my account suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. There are two explanations for this: either a disgruntled Kurtty fan got offended and reported me and I was then banned, or, apparently, I had an enemy within the administration, most likely a Digimon fan. I'm not going to get into why I think it's a Digimon fan... if I suddenly disappear again, you know what happened. Avenge me.

...But I ramble. I've returned! Anyway, the X-Men can't exist without enemies... namely, the **Brotherhood of Mutants**, who are the protagonists of these stories. During the first season, the Brotherhood were basically just standard thugs, there to move the plot along. Finally, during the second season, they started becoming human, as we got glimpses of them just sitting in their crappy house, being slackers. By the beginning of the third season, they had finally become full characters. Strangely, the way I depicted them turned out to be accurate once they actually became characters. Is this a coincidence, am I being spied on, or do I really control the fate of X-Men: Evolution? Well, care to take a guess? Hahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAnone of them. I just happened to make four good calls based on what few aspects of their personalities we were given to begin with, and I wasn't the only early Brotherhood writer to accurately judge their personalities before they fully developed. Now then, the Brotherhood's roster keeps changing, so I'll introduce them in sets.

_**The Core Group**_

-**Lance Alvers **(_Avalanche, voiced by Christopher Grey_) had a minor role in the comics and the first X-Men cartoon (though his real name was Dominic Petros in both of those), though he was in quite a few Brotherhood incarnations in the comics alongside Mystique and Blob, so there you go. This version, however, seems to be based more on the X-Force character Rictor, and if you just changed Rictor's named to Avalanche, you'd be close to Lance Alvers. Lance is short tempered and hot-headed, and has a tendency to take control of things, especially if there's nobody there to stop him. He's got morals and for the most part, he's a good person, but his anger tends to take control of him and when it does, you can pretty much throw that "good person" crap out the window. Lance has one big soft spot- Kitty Pryde, his girlfriend. This leads to a subdued version of Romeo and Juliet (since neither side really cares enough to stop them, though they are both teased). Lance gets along pretty well with the rest of the Brotherhood, but their antics tend to annoy him. As older brother and de facto leader of the Brotherhood, he's usually bossing the others around, though he's more casual than Pietro and generally treats the others like equals, though he still has to remind them from time to time that he's the alpha wolf in the pack. Lance isn't stupid, but he's not very bright either. He prefers to act before thinking, which gets both him and the others in trouble. Lance's name comes from his ability to control seismic activity and make lame "shake" and "rock" puns. Thankfully, he's cut down on that.

-**Fred Dukes **(_The Blob, voiced by Michael Dobson_) has always been fat and stupid. This version makes him more muscular (but still fat) and a little smarter, but he's still dull. Because of his size, Fred's never had it very easy; as anyone can tell from the Mutant Crush incident, his social skills are sorely lacking. Most people mistake Fred's aggression towards Jean as outright malice, but the truth is that he didn't know how else to react to someone being nice to him. I'm not saying what he did was right, or that Jean was wrong to telekinetically throw crap at him, but c'mon, lay off the poor guy. He probably values the Brotherhood most, seeing as they're the only friends he's ever really had. Fred's skin and fat make him tough and impervious to most harm, and his muscles make him strong enough to lift trucks and, with effort, small planes. He's still clumsy, though. He has a sensitive side, and though he's not too self-conscious around his pals, he tries to hide it behind his tough exterior. He gets along well with Lance and especially Toad, and though Fred will accept the leadership of someone he respects (or fears), he doesn't like being bossed around, which explains why he tends to follow Lance's casual leadership instead of Pietro's more militaristic approach. At the end of the day, Fred doesn't care about good guys and bad guys and world domination and peaceful coexistance with humans- all he wants is to be himself and to hang out with his buds, because to him, that's all that really matters.

-**Todd Tolensky **(_The Toad, voiced by Noel Fisher_) was once Mortimer Toynbee, Magneto's frog-faced, pudgy, boot-licking lackey. This version of Toad has a different personality and different powers: specifically, the powers his movie version had, which include the ability to leap (which was his only real power in prior versions), the ability to cling to walls, a long tongue, and the ability to split slime. This Toad's personality is also very different; he's neither an asskisser nor a thug. He's basically just a weasely kid who can't catch a break. He tends to stick close to his friends for both protection and assurance, as he lacks the self-confidence to really do much on his own. Toad is referred to as Toad by EVERYONE, friend and foe alike; at first, this probably hurt him, but he's gotten used to it, and even seems to prefer it. Like Kurt, he creates false confidence to mask his low self-esteem, so while he may appear to be proud of his froggish nature, he's not entirely comfortable with it. Similarly, though Toad is smart (though uneducated), he tends to hide that as well, preferring to come across as a cool guy with no worries and masking it behind a cutting wit, which is itself hidden behind a seamingly more innocent sense of humor, and really, you have to be pretty stupid not to see the edge to his humor. Toad happens to be my favorite character, and it helps that he's the most fun to write. This version of Toad is a bit of a pervert, and a bit of a hopeless romantic... strangely, this turned out to be the case, as he lusts after Wanda.

-**Pietro Maximoff **(_Quicksilver, voiced by Richard Ian Cox_) is a little different from his comic book counterpart. Both started out as villains in Magneto's service (as well as both being Magneto's son), except this version is still a bad guy. He's a quick-moving, quick-thinking, quick-mouthed jerk who especially likes teasing others and making wise-ass comments (almost as much as Toad, though he's far less subtle about it). Pietro lives by one philosophy: look out for number one. Almost everything Pietro does is for selfish reasons; if he helps out his friends, it's only because he expects the favor to be repaid. He is arrogant and sees no reason to think highly of anyone else. His loyalty is to himself, so it can easily be bought- after all, what does he care if someone else gets hurt so long as he benefits? If it suits his purposes, he's as likely to be loyal to Magneto as he is to Mystique or the Brotherhood. Magneto put Pietro in charge of the Brotherhood so that he could groom them for service as future Acolytes, though the Brotherhood was still mad at Pietro for selling them out. After a while (and thanks partially to Wanda's continued membership), the others accepted Pietro back as one of their own, but they're cautious. As for Pietro, he seems to like having others to potentially boss around; like daddy, Pietro likes being in charge, but he hasn't learned the subtleties of leadership as well as his father; Pietro expects people to follow his orders on principle alone and without question. Whenever he has to smooth-talk people into doing something, he can, but he'd prefer it if he didn't. Pietro's only noticeable superpower is his super-speed, though he (like Toad) has numerous smaller abilities that help things run smoothly. A lot of people (including myself) believe that Pietro may be gay. This is why most stories have at least one ambiguously gay line from him. See if you can find it!

-**Wanda Maximoff **(_The Scarlet Witch, voiced by Kelly Sheridan_) is almost as drastically changed from her comic counterpart as Rogue. This version of Wanda has been locked in a madhouse for quite a while because her father Magneto couldn't deal with her out-of-control powers. Once rescued by Mystique, she obsessively hunted Magneto for a while until he had Mastermind mess with her memories. Someone people weren't happy with this move. Myself... well, she's easier to write now. Her personality's not all that different, just toned down. She gets along with her roommates but doesn't seem to be particularly close to anyone except her brother, Pietro- she knows he's selfish and arrogant (if she only knew...), but he's still her brother. Wanda is usually fairly calm and though she's a good person, she can be pretty unsympathetic, pessimistic, a tad cynical, and when crossed- downright vengeful. Though she's openly emotional (what mood she's in is rarely a mystery), she almost seems afraid to open up to other people, so she doesn't talk about her problems or really work out any frustration and lets it boil inside her, which can lead to occassional outbursts. Her artistic side- particularly, her fondness for writing- has no real basis in the series... in fact, after Mastermind's mindwipe, we really don't see much of her, but I figured that someone who didn't express herself clearly verbally probably did so through other means. Her powers... well, it's hard to say. She seems to be able to change probability fields and basically do whatever the hell she wants, which is really weird, so it's toned down a bit here. The guys still don't mess with her, though. As a late addition to the team, Wanda is absent from a lot of the stories here, but it's become clear that she's loyal enough to the Brotherhood to be considered part of the core group.

_**The Auxiliary Members:**_

Two others may be team members, depending on what time period the story is set in:

-**Tabitha Smith **(_Boom Boom, voiced by Megan Leitch_) is able to make little marble-shaped bombs. She had serious potential, being the only New Mutant to have an episode to herself... well, before the producers suddenly decided that Magma had a fanbase, and apparently she does now, even though Amara's a violently boring character (I do enjoy mismatched adjectives). Anyway, Tabitha's a flirt, using her feminine charms to get her way, especially with Nightcrawler. She left the X-Men for a while and joined the Brotherhood, though that little plot point went NOWHERE and all her potential was wasted. Then she re-joined the X-Men. I used to like her, but she's became such a waste of space; there's only so much you can do with a moocher character like Tabby before she gets old. She appears again from time to time and is the subject of the newest romantic pairing: Omnitha. If you don't know what "omni" means, stop reading my stories and run through the wall at McDonald's. You'll save us both some trouble.

-**Mystique** (_Raven Darkholme, voiced by Colleen Wheeler_), the blue-skinned shapeshifter, as cruel and manipulative here as she's always been. She started off as the Bayville Principal, Ms. Darkholme. Using her school ties, she helped her boss Magneto gather the core Brotherhood. Eventually, she got tired of being used, and turned on Magneto. She took the Brotherhood with her, though she disappeared for a while. When she showed back up (after freeing and recruiting Wanda), the Brotherhood stayed loyal, except for Pietro, who helped Magneto screw them over. She can take any form she wants, but often just remains her sexy blue self. She has a tendency not to be home, so she rarely appears in stories taking place after Season 1. Even then, she mainly keeps to herself and lets her thugs do the work for her, so she's basically just the seldom-seen team leader.

-**Kent** (_set apart just so you'll pay attention_) is the name I've given to Mystique's black-and-orange haired alter ego in Shadowed Past, so whenever Kent appears in these stories, it's really Mystique. Actually, he only appears in about three season one era stories, but I don't think they all explain the Kent alter-ego. Just a heads up.

Now to the hated enemies:

_**The X-Men**_

Now, you all know the X-Men. Every other story on this site is devoted to those halfwit goody-goods, so I'm not going to bother explaining who they are or even listing their members, since the roster is at something like 19 now. Since the X-Men aren't the only recurring characters, I'll just list characters whose appearance here is somehow noteworthy:

-**Kitty Pryde **(_Shadowcat, voiced by Maggie Blue O'Hara_) has the ability to phase through solid objects, which means she's damn near useless in battle. As of now, her only real purpose is to give Lance someone to talk to besides the Brotherhood and give him a reason to leave the house from time to time. Strangely, she's had greater importance in these stories than the rest of the X-Men even before she started dating Lance. Earlier stories had Toad pining after her (though he was never as open about it as he is with Wanda). Her valley girl accent comes and goes (later stories tone down on it, reflecting the way the series itself has kept the "like" and "totally" to a minimum), but for the most part, she appears as she does on the series. Once she started dating Lance and Toad's crush on Wanda was introduced, the Toad-Kitty thing was basically dropped, though hints of it still surface from time to time, mostly as an in-joke for older readers rather than a real aspect of the characters.

-**Professor Xavier **(_voiced by David Kaye_) is the kind but firm gentleman who seems to be middle-aged or older and though he is confined to a wheelchair, he is gifted with great telepathic abilities as well as an unexplained source of income that allows him to build mansions with crazy military bases beneath them and giant robots and all sorts of war machines which he constantly forces his young wards to fight. There's a bit of a trend in the stories where Xavier's concerned... I started out writing him pretty much as he appears on the show, but the more I thought about his situation (which I just summarized), the more I imagined him to be secretly insane, and eventually that began to seep into the writing, so if you read the stories in chronological order, you'll notice he gradually becomes more maniacal towards the end, not to mention strangely creepy. I promise I'll stop dishonoring the character like that, but come on. Think about it.

-**Magneto **(_Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, voiced by Christopher Judge_) is the Master of Magnetism and champion of mutant rights whose methods fall somewhere between noble and terrorist... also, he's the loving father of the Maximoff twins and frequent Brotherhood boss. While his kids are living at the boarding house, Magneto will provide some financial support for the Brotherhood, but in return he demands their loyalty and obedience, so he sends them on missions every so often. Magneto's fathering skills aren't the greatest and he has no idea how to react whenever his kids get emotional on him. He usually just stays clear of them and hopes they don't call.

-**Scott Summers **(_Cyclops, voiced by Kirby Morrow_) is, if nothing else, Lance's rival. He's the opposite of Lance: hard-working, honest, responsible, caring... the kind of guy you can't help but want to punch in the face. Scott represents the X-Men best, and as the antithesis of the Brotherhood's leader, he appears most often whenever the X-Men's ideals clash with the Brotherhood's. Though he's a "good" person, Scott tends to be a jerk to the Brotherhood, even the others besides Lance, but will never (or at least, rarely) openly antagonize them if he doesn't think they're doing something wrong. Unfortunately, he is overly suspicious of them.

-**Mastermind** (_Jason Wyngarde, voiced by Campbell Lane_), is an ugly old man who has the ability to cast illusions... and apparently, scan minds and alter memories as well. Mastermind is an odd one... I have no idea why I like him (might be that he's played with a degree of intelligence and charisma that's usually not given to a character with an appearance like his), but I do, so he makes frequent cameos in later stories. One story has Mastermind revealing to Toad that he is his father (and come on, there's a resemblance), and a few stories afterwards still mention or imply it (though it's only been the actual subject of one story). After a while, I thought that this angle might make some parts of stories seem inaccessible (since it's not a canonical relationship and I'm about the only one who believes this relation exists), so the idea was dropped entirely. Like Toad's crush on Kitty, Mastermind's supposed fatherhood does resurface from time to time as an in-joke for loyal readers (one I'm fond of is at the beginning of "Halloween Comes a Day Late and a Dollar Short"). So what's his deal? I don't know. We first see him in Italy, but he has the accent of an educated American- which is very odd, since he looks very much like a homeless monkey. He's an intelligent man and appears to have some minor history with Magneto, though he's a weird villain in that he doesn't seem to be particularly angry or malicious, though considering his efforts to hide from Italian policemen and citizens, he's not exactly a model citizen, either.

-**Kurt Wagner **(_Nightcrawler, voiced by Brad Swaile_), the class clown/angsty demon teleporter guy is, for the most part, as he appears on the show. However, just like his accent is inconsistent, especially between seasons, his accent isn't always written down as it sounds. Usually, "th" is written as "z" and sometimes "w" becomes "v", but since his voice actor tends to forget that, his dialogue here reflects that. We'll just say his English is improving. Also, this Nightcrawler, though most of his traits are accurate, doesn't always seem to realize that the Brotherhood boys hate him... at least not in the early stories. Later, this shifted towards Iceman.

-**Gambit** (_Remy LeBeau, voiced by Alessandro Juliani_) is a smooth Cajun manwhore who can make things explode. His official purpose for appearing is that he's one of Magneto's lieutenants and the one most familiar with the Brotherhood, so he's often sent to deliver messages and brief them on missions. Gambit's depiction here is a little more cynical than the others (oh, come on, like ANYBODY on this site can write him properly). In the series (and especially in the original show and the comics), he's a sweet talker who's got a way with the ladies... here, he's spouting shitty pickup lines and is, of course, just trying to get in their pants and failing pretty miserably. That's okay, Gambit, you still have your staff. Since few people understand the differences between Evo Gambit and Canon Gambit, let me draw a map for you. There's one, tiny difference between the two: Evo Gambit is a sociopath. If you don't know what that is, please do not write for Gambit anymore until you do. In fact, if you don't know what that is and refuse to look it up, do not talk to me. If I ever meet you, I will punch you in the face.

-**Bobby Drake **(_Iceman, voiced by Andrew Francis_) can make ice... and stuff. I have nothing against the original comic Iceman, but I really, really hate this guy. Since his introduction, he's more or less been given Nightcrawler's obliviousness, since this Iceman seems to think the Brotherhood are his friends, or at least seems to think that they don't want to punch his face in... and since I hate him, he is often tortured.

-**Twix**... not really a character, but it shows up an unusual amount of times. Hmmmmm...

Anyway, here come the fanfictions... you want them? You REALLY want them?! GO AHEAD PUNK! CLICK! NOW! **I COMMAND IT!**

Seriously. I command it.


	2. Elections

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Elections"  
King of the Worthless**

Yeah, yeah, I don't own the characters. This isn't meant to accomplish anything, just to amuse me, and probably only me. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Scott Summers placed the large, white posterboard sheet on the wall, taping it in place. He stood back as Evan Daniels walked up to him.

"Scott, you're running for Student Council President?"

"Yep."

Lance Alvers walked down the hallway with Pietro Maximoff. They stopped in front of the poster.

"Scott Summers for Student Council President?" Lance turned to Scott. "You're running for student council?"

"Yeah. It'll be tough, but I know I can do it."

"Yeah, because any loser can get into student council, Summers."

"Oh really? I'd like to see YOU try!"

"I could make it WITHOUT trying!"

"We'll see about that, Alvers. Later!" Scott and Evan walked off. Lance and Pietro kept looking at the poster.

"Lance, don't tell me you-"

"If Summers can do it, so can I! Now..." Lance stared at the poster. "Ok, first thing's first. I need to make some posters. Round the guys up."

--------------------

"...You're... running for student council?!" Todd said, on the verge of laughter. "I didn't realize you were a FAG, Lance!"

"Hey, I'm only doing this to beat Summers. Now, are you gonna help me or not?"

"Alright, alright. I'll be your campaign manager. Now, first thing ya gotta do is put up some posters."

"I'll take care of that," Pietro said, tearing a poster from the wall, flipping it over, and writing on it.

"Ok, yeah, that's good... now we need some propaganda..." Todd looked at Fred.

"Yeah, I can take care of it. They'll vote Alvers if they know what's good for them."

"No, chill, Fred just... uh... pretend Summers paid you to support him," Todd explained as Pietro taped a giant sign to Fred's chest. Fred looked down at it.

"Uh... vote... Summers...?" Fred read as Pietro taped a similar sign to his back. Lance remained seating, watching.

"Toad, how do you know this'll work?"

"Simple," Pietro said, before Todd could turn to look at Lance. "Everyone knows you hang out with us, so if they see that Freddy's supporting Summers, they'll figure that he cheated by turning his competitor's friends against him. Simple, isn't it?"

"Uh... I guess that works. Ok, Pietro, get those posters taped up, Fred, go tell people to vote for Summers, and Toad... uh... Toad can... uh..."

Pietro quickly put a "Vote Summers" sign around Todd's neck. "Yeah, perfect."

"Dammit, why do I gotta do this, too?!"

"Hey, it was YOUR idea!" Fred yelled. Not one to argue with the Blob, Todd shrugged and hopped off.

Lance put his feet up on the table and his hands behind his head. Summers wouldn't know what hit him.

--------------------

"Hey, y'all! Vote Scott Summers, he's number one!" Todd yelled, drawing attention to himself. If there was anything he hated, it was drawing attention to himself. But if he didn't, Lance would probably get mad at him. And if there was anything he hated more than drawing attention to himself, it was aggravating Lance. So his only real option was to go with his own plan and draw attention to himself. He stopped thinking about it, having already confused himself.

"Hey, isn't Alvers running against him?" one guy asked. Todd turned to face him.

"Yeah, but why vote Alvers when you can vote Summers?"

"Aren't you Alvers' friend?"

"Not when I'm gettin' paid a hundred big ones, no."

"What? How typical! I'm not voting for Summers!" Todd smiled as the guy walked off.

"Vote for Summers!"

--------------------

Fred was having considerably worse luck. Even if he WAS a walking billboard, almost literally, nobody seemed to pay attention to him. Maybe it was because he had a tendency to bully everyone...

"Aren't you listening?! I said 'vote Summers!'"

...Or maybe it was because everyone was in class.

"Hey, Freddy, vhat are you doing here?" Kurt asked, having taken a break to get a drink of water.

"Uh... vote Summers. And don't call me Freddy."

"Ja, I'm voting for him... are you?"

"Uh... yeah."

"But aren't you Lance's friend?"

"Uh... vote Summers."

"Vhat's going on here?"

"I told you, fuzzball, vote Summers, now get lost!"

"Vait... vhy are you supporting Scott?"

"Uh... he paid me to. Now go away before I pound your face in!"

"Zis can't be right... I don't have time to argue now, I've got to get back to class." Kurt walked off.

"Alright, vote Summers!"

--------------------

Pietro zoomed through the hallway, taking Scott's posters with him. He had collected most, if not all of his posters and took them with him to the restroom.

He whipped out a few markers and began writing "Vote Alvers for Student Council President" on the back of the posters. Suddenly, Kitty walked in.

"Hey! What are you doing in the girls' room?!"

Perhaps Pietro had been in too much of a hurry.

"Uh... well, you see, since I move at the speed of light, I can't afford to looked at every sign I pass by. Naturally, you wouldn't understand that."

"Get out before I tell someone!"

"Oh, I'm really scared, Kitty Cat!"

"Stop that! At least my hair's a NORMAL color!"

"You don't think silver is normal, you ditz?"

"Not according to my standards!"

"That's it! You're going down!" Pietro took a fighting stance.

"I won't sink to your level. I'm leaving." Kitty walked out of the restroom.

"Haha, sucker," Pietro whispered to himself as he picked the posters back up and began to write.

--------------------

The students of Bayville had gathered in the auditorium for the Student Council debates. Before the debates had been established, it was all one big popularity contest. Well, not that it still wasn't.

"...And finally," Ms. Darkholme announced, "Our last debate of the night is between Scott Summers and Lance Alvers, running for Student Council President." There was mild applause and a few loud yawns as Scott and Lance walked to their podiums.

"Thank you. As you all know, I am Scott Summers, Student Council President for the last two years running. If I'm re-elected, I'll run things just as smoothly as before."

"Right," Ms. Darkholme said. "Now, our first question, for Mr. Summers. How do you feel about the current situation following the Wagner incident last week?"

"Uh... the Wagner incident?" Scott was clearly not prepared. "Well... I... think that we need to make sure that the cheese used in the cafeteria is cheddar and not parmesan."

"Mr. Alvers?"

"I have no idea what cheese has to do with the Wagner incident."

"Thank you. Now, a question for Mr. Alvers. What is it you would do with the problem facing our football team?"

"I'd tell them all to stop wasting our resources and win a game once in a while."

"Now, Mr. Summers?"

"What we need is a new coach, one with actual experience. Former Texas A and M quarterback Dan St-"

"We can't afford that!" Lance yelled.

"Hey, we've got more than enough money, Alvers. We should stop wasting our funds on student council festivities and concentrate on a better coach."

"So you're saying this debate would be entirely meaningless and your position would be forfeited if we just hired a new coach. Ladies and gentlemen, this debate is over." Lance walked offstage as Scott slamed his face on the podium.

--------------------

Lance and his "brothers" gathered to discuss their strategy. So far, Todd had managed to get several people angry at Scott, and Fred had managed to do nothing, but they never expected much from him.

"I've been tearing down Summers' posters," Pietro said, "

"Well, this can't be too hard," Lance said to his managers. "When are elections?"

"Tomorrow night," Pietro said. "I'm sure you're in the lead, but if all else fails, we'll just break in and change the votes."

"Why don't we just do THAT instead?!" Lance yelled.

"Uh... good point..." Todd said, cowering. Of course, Fred usually didn't pay attention to a word they said during lunch. Today was pizza day, so they really weren't his priority.

--------------------

Night had fallen in Bayville, and the votes had all been locked. Wearing his green and white combat suit, Toad crawled through the ventilation shaft. It was decided that either he or Pietro, both being the two slimmest members of the group, would stay behind and open the door from the inside. Todd drew the short straw, so he had waited in the ventilation shaft until nightfall. He'd probably wake up with a cold the next morning.

He unscrewed one of the vents and jumped out. He unlocked the door and stepped outside, where the others were waiting.

"Took you long enough," Avalanche said, walking in.

"Hey, my watch was a little off."

Blob stood by the door, in case anyone showed up. Avalanche, Quicksilver and Toad made their way into Ms. Darkholme's office, where the ballot box was being held. Toad grabbed it and began to pick at the lock with a paperclip. As soon as he stuck the paperclip in, he was hit by a red beam, knocking him off the desk.

"We thought you were up to something, Alvers!" Scott yelled, standing at the doorway, accompanied by Kurt.

"Hey, wasn't Blob guarding the door?" Quicksilver asked.

"We considered that, we took a different route," Scott said. Kurt teleported next to Toad and took the box, then teleported away.

"We'll see who the winner is, fair and square!" Scott said as Kurt appeared next to him. Avalanche prepared to tear up the ground right under them, but decided against it. Scott was right, he didn't need to cheat to win. Well, that wasn't exactly his point, but it was good enough.

"Fine, Summers! We'll do it your way. I'll beat you, fair and square!" Scott put the box back down on Ms. Darkholme's desk and watched Avalanche and Quicksilver carry Toad out.

"So now zat zey're gone... you gonna look?" Kurt asked.

"No, something tells me Jean's gonna yell at me for a week if I do. Let's play it fair this time."

--------------------

The Xavier kids and The Brotherhood sat in the courtyard during lunch, waiting for the announcement of the winners. They regarded each other, but didn't speak to one another, waiting to rub the announcement in the loser's face.

"...The winner for Student Council Treasurer is..."

Ms. Darkholme was probably stalling. 

"...And congratulations to Mark Desmond..."

No, definitely stalling. She probably enjoyed torturing her fellow "Brothers" as much as she liked torturing Xavier's kids.

"Lance, I just thought of a good slogan for you," Todd said, holding a Twix in his hand.

"A little LATE, Toad."

"'If you want to elect someone who's good at sitting around and doin' nothin', go with a pro, vote Alvers!'"

"What? How would that have helped?!"

"No, I mean, student council doesn't DO anything, ya know."

"Yeah," Pietro said, swallowing some milk. "They don't make any important decisions, all they do is organize school functions, like dances and stuff."

"I'm running to organize school dances?! Why didn't you guys TELL me?!"

"Maybe it's cuz you didn't ask us, foo."

"Dammit, if I end up having to do decorations for prom, I'm going to kill you both!"

"Why us? What about Fred?" Pietro asked.

"He's mad, but he's not stupid!" Fred said, crossing his arms. Pietro and Todd saw his point.

"...And in the category of Student Council President..."

Lance and Scott became tense. Their friends looked at them, eagerly awaiting either a celebration or heckling. In Lance's case, it was heckling either way.  
"...Lance Alvers..."

"NO!! NO!!! DAMMIT!! WHY ME?!" Lance yelled, the ground shaking. Todd, Pietro and even Fred took a few steps back. Scott and his friends just stared.

"Uh... congratulations... Lance...?"

"WHY ARE YOU CONGRATULATING ME?! ARE YOU RUBBING IT IN MY FACE?!"

"No I..."

"FUCK OFF, SUMMERS!!"

So Lance had finally beaten Scott at something. That's when he realized that if there's a higher power, it really must hate him.

"What are YOU looking at, Pietro?!"

That, and he could really scare his friends when he's angry.

**The End**


	3. The Brotherhood Rocks!

**X-Men: Evolution  
"The Brotherhood Rocks"  
King of the Worthless**

You know what's stupid? How everyone, including myself, puts a disclaimer here, stating that we don't own the characters in the following story. Isn't this entire SITE devoted to fanfiction? Don't you think it's a little obvious that the characters don't belong to us? Ah well. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Todd walked through the music store, his hands in his pockets. Lance was a few feet away, looking at some new releases.

"Hey Toad," Lance called, still looking at the shelf.

"Yo," Todd replied, still walking.

"You know something? All these bands suck. Look at this crap. Dave Matthews, Limp Bizkit, N'Sync, these guys all suck dead goats."

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"My point is that good music is hard to come by." Suddenly, Kurt Wagner walked up to the new releases, browsing through the cases with his disguised hands.

"You're right, Lance. Zere's nothing worth listening to since John and Paul split..."

"Hey, don't talk to me like I'm your friend."

"Vell you're not my enemy."

"Fuck off, fuzzball."

"My name is Kurt!"

"You don't deserve that name, you freak!"

"Vhat? Cobain vas a second-rate rocker, ze Beatles are ze real deal!"

"The Beatles?! You wouldn't know good music if it pulled your tail!"

"Ja?! Vell I'd like to see YOU do better zan zem!"

"You know what, Wagner? I can and WILL do better!"

"Seventy dollars says you don't!"

"You're on!" Kurt walked away, without even looking at the rest of the CDs. Todd just stared.

"Lance, what th' hell did you just get yourself into?"

"Toad, round the guys up. We're forming a band!"

--------------------

"I dunno, Lance, none of us can play," Pietro said, sitting on a crate that had just been dropped off by UPS. Lance had ordered instruments using the Brotherhood's account, which appeared to be infinite.

"Then we learn."

"Yeah, and who plays what?" Fred asked, holding another crate.

"Uh... Alright, here's the plan... Quicksilver's got drums, Blob's on keyboard, Toad'll play bass and I'm lead guitar."

"Why are you using our codenames?"

"Because this isn't a hobby, it's a mission! Now, let's get this stuff unpacked. Blob, see if you can move some of the stuff in the basement, we need the space."

"Hey Quicksilver, get started on a tune. Toad, you... uh..."

"I'll write some lyrics."

"Yeah, you wri-wait a second. No, I'll write some lyrics. You get us a gig."

"A gig? We haven't even STARTED!"

"You want to argue, tadpole?"

"Eh, right, I'll go find us a gig..." Lance opened his crate and pulled out his guitar. He had no idea what kind of guitar it was, but it didn't look too hard to play.

"Lance, that's a bass guitar," Pietro said. "Yours is over here."

"Right, I knew that, I was... just opening it for Toad."

--------------------

"...Shot down an American U-2 plane, piloted by Francis..." The teacher droned on. He seemed to be obsessed with the bits of history that nobody cared about, which was probably why only three people remained awake. Lance was one of them.

"'Why don't you come over, I'll fuck your brains out, I'll make you shout...' no, too explicit..." Lance quietly said to himself as he wrote some lyrics during class.

"Mr. Alvers, is there something you'd like to say to me?"

Or perhaps not so quietly.

"Uh, nothing, sir."

"Good. As I was saying, the Soviets planned a secret..." That was close. He narrowly avoided humiliating himself. He continued to write down some ideas.

"Hey, Lance," said the guy next to him.

"What do you want, Kent?"

"Whatchya writin'?"

"Nothing, now fuck off." Kent shrugged and turned back to his work.

--------------------

"Alright, guys, from the top... a one, and a two, and a..." The Brotherhood began to play the most horrible song Lance had ever heard. Between Pietro's high-speed drumming and Fred's horrible keyboard mashing, Lance honestly couldn't tell what they were trying to play. At least Todd had an idea, but he was playing the wrong song entirely.

"Ok, guys, stop... Toad, we're playing 'Smells Like Teen Spirit', not 'Du Hast'."

"Ah... gotcha."

"Fred, try to stay in synch with us."

"Aw, ok."

"Quicksilver, slow the fuck down."

"I'll try..."

"Ok now, once more... Quicksilver, I told you to slow down!"

"I can't! Why don't we just jam out and get to know our instruments?"

"Ok, ok, you do that. I'll be upstairs writing lyrics." Lance climbed out of the basement, putting a pair of earplugs on.

--------------------

"Yo, Lance" Todd said, jumping down from one of the school's third-story windows. "I got us a gig."

"Really? Where?"

"We got a party, at the geeks' mansion."

"They want us to play there, huh?" Lance took a moment to think. He WAS trying to show Kurt that he could play better than the Beatles, and what better a time than now? 

"When is it?"

"Three weeks from now, I just got th' heads-up from blue-boy himself. He wants t' see our stuff."

"Three weeks? We'll be ready by then." Suddenly, Kent walked up to them.

"Hey guys."

"Fuck off, Kent."

"So what are you doing?" Kent asked, sitting down next to Lance and Todd. "Are you guys playing at the Xavier Institute?"

"What's it to you?" By then, almost everyone had left. Fred walked down the steps, carrying a notebook.

"Well, Avalanche," Kent said, a stern look on his face, "It appears someone used our account to buy musical instruments without authorization!"

"Aah! Mystique! How did you-"

"Quiet. I'll let this slide if you do a little investigating for me at Xavier's place."

"What kind of investigating?"

"I want you to search Cerebro's archives. Get as much data on archived mutants as possible. It would be of great use to us."

"Uh... alright..." Lance said. "Kent" walked away, carrying "his" bookbag. Todd and Fred looked at Lance.

"Ok, it can't be too hard."

"Hey, I tried sneakin' in before, remember?" Todd asked, ignorant of the fact that the others hadn't even arrived at Bayville at the time. "It's a lot tougher than it looks."

"We'll get Pietro to do it. He can get it done in no time."

"Damn straight."

"Dammit, Pietro, don't DO that!"

--------------------

"Toad, is everything set up?" Lance asked as he approached his amphibian companion. Fred and Pietro were setting the stage itself up, decorating it according to Lance's design.

"I got a name, Lance."

"I told you, this is a mission!"

"If you say so, Lance."

"Avalanche."

"Same diff'rence. Everythin's set." Pietro walked up to them, wearing his combat outfit and carrying his drumsticks.

"Quicksilver, why are you wearing your combat suit?"

"You said this was a mission."

"But that's not what I meant! What I said was-"

"Oh, no, Lance! It took me seven minutes to get into this thing, and I'll be damned if you make me take it off!"

"Seven minutes?" Todd asked, picking at his bass guitar.

"This thing is a LOT tighter than it looks. That's the last time we let Fred-"

"Blob," Lance chimed.

"-Blob do the laundry. On the plus side, it really shows off my butt, which is quite nice, in my op-"

"Shut up, Quicksilver!"

"Aw, c'mon, Lan-"

"Avalanche," Lance said with an annoyed tone.

"Avalanche, you have to admit I've got one nice bu-"

"SHUT UP."

"No, really, loo-"

"SHUT UP."

"Fine!" Pietro stormed off. Todd and Lance exchanged frightened looks before getting their respective guitars and following him.

--------------------

"Dammit, Fred, that's NOT what I meant!" Lance yelled as he looked at the stage. Apparently, Fred had misinterpreted an integral part of Lance's design.

"I said DEAD not BED!"

And oddly enough, he had misinterpreted the most crucial part. The stage was, to put it simply, a giant bed.

"Hey, it's your fault for explaining this to me while I was watching a movie!"

"YOU WERE SITTING THERE!!"

"Oh, same thing!" Fred stomped off. Lance stood in his place, holding his guitar, hoping that it wouldn't collapse from the stress of his power. Pietro, still in his combat suit, was in place, and so was Fred. Now, only Todd was missing.

"Hey, Toad! Toad! Toad, get the fuck over here, now!"

"Haha!" Todd yelled as he jumped down from the ceiling, holding a screwdriver. "I fixed it!"

"Fixed what?"

"The lights! They were blinkin' on and off really fast, so I jumped up and set 'em straight."

"You IDIOT! Those were STROBE LIGHTS!"

"Wha?"

"Dammit, you guys have to ruin everything! Nobody's going to want to listen to us now!"

"That's just fine," Fred yelled, "Because I quit!"

"You can't quit!"

"Yeah, I can! Watch me!" Fred pushed Lance aside and walked off. Todd also spoke up.

"Yeah, if you're gonna treat us like shit, we don't got a reason to play." He hopped off.

"Then it's just you and me, Quicksilv-" Lance turned to find the stage empty. Pietro hadn't even bothered to tell him he was quitting. How rude.

"C'mon, guys! I can't play by myself!" But he was just speaking to himself. He put his guitar down and walked offstage.

--------------------

"Hey, where's the band?" Scott asked. The party had already started, and the stage had been set up near the pool.

"I knew this was a bad idea," Logan said. "They've probably snuck into the mansion. Mystique must've sent them to get something."

"I'll check," Kurt said before disappearing. After a few minutes, he teleported back, appearing near Scott.

"No sign of zem anyvhere. Maybe zey just split."

"But why would they do that?"

--------------------

"You didn't even get the files?!" Mystique yelled, slamming her fist on the desk. Lance sat in the chair across from it.

"Well, no, but I-"

"You worthless imbecile! How could it have slipped your mind?!"

"I dunno, it just did! After the guys split, all I could think about was how I had treated them."

"Well, what a time to discover you have a conscience, Mr. Alvers. I'm returning the equipment, and you all have detention for the rest of the semester!"

Lance sighed. "Alright." He got up and walked out the door. Outside, Todd, Fred and Pietro were waiting. They didn't even bother looking at him.

"Well, she's sending the stuff back, and we've all got detention for the semester."

"Fine by me," Fred said.

"Look guys, I'm sorry about all this. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings like that."

"Aw, that's ok," Pietro said, "We were just a little frustrated."

"So we're all still buds?"

"Friends forever!" Todd yelled.

"Oh, c'mere!" Fred yelled, as all four got together for a group hug.

"Hey, whoa, wait up," Pietro said, having come to a realization. "Since when do you care about how we feel, Lance?"

"Yeah...," Todd added as he realized what Pietro was getting at, "And since when do we even care that you treat us like shit?"

"Hmm... you guys have a point. Now get away from me, you homos."

**The End**


	4. Diet Blob

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Diet Blob"  
King of the Worthless**

Yeah, yeah, these characters don't belong to me. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

The Brotherhood sat in the living room, watching a basketball game. Lance, Pietro and Fred sat on the couch while Todd sat perched on a folding chair. The room wasn't very clean, and the TV wasn't very big, but it was better than nothing.

"Dammit!" Lance yelled. "That was NOT a foul!"

"The hell it wasn't!" Pietro yelled back. "That guy's GOTTA be a mutant! Nobody can take a blow like that and live!"

"Ah, this sucks," Fred mumbled as he got up. "I'm gettin' some snacks."

"Yeah, I'll go with ya," Todd said, hopping after him.

"Hey, bring me a beer, will ya?" Lance said as his "brothers" made their way into the kitchen. As Todd jumped onto the counter and searched through the cabinets, Fred reached to open the fridge. Suddenly, Pietro appeared in front of him.

"Sorry, Freddy. No snacks."

"Argh! Outta my way!"

"You heard Mystique. She wants you on a strict diet. Here, have an apple."

"One apple?!"

"No apple!" Todd said, slurping the apple that was once in Pietro's hand. Unable to swallow it, he began to choke. Fred gave him a good punch to the stomach, producing the now slime-covered apple.

"That's what you get for stealing food from THE BLOB!" Fred yelled. Nobody was ever quite sure why he reminded everyone that he was the Blob. Sometimes they thought he was reminding himself.

"Ok, fine. Here's a carrot. Don't add an salt or dres-" Pietro stopped to catch Todd's tongue. He pulled on it, forcing Todd to the ground.

"Ack! Sowwy! Sowwy! Leddo! Leddo!!" Todd yelled frantically.

"A lousy carrot? Grrr... fine!" Fred yelled, snatching the carrot and returned to the living room. Pietro disappeared and Todd walked back, grabbing a Twix from the cabinet.

"Hey! Where's my beer?!" Lance yelled.

--------------------

Lunch was always Fred's favorite time of the day. After breakfast and dinner, of course. But in any case, it was the highlight of the school day. He'd get together with Lance, Pietro and Todd, eat... and... eat. Sometimes the others had a conversation, but Fred never cared. Why listen to them when he could focus his attention on a slice of pie?

Fred pushed his way through the line. The lunch ladies knew him well. He'd ask for everything on the menu, sometimes two of everything. At least he was polite about it, compared to his friends.

"Hey, wait up, I don't want any green beans!" he said as three of the lunch ladies gathered his lunch. As he walked back to the table, happily carrying his tray, Pietro appeared.

"AH!! Pietro, quit it!"

"Not my fault your brain interprets the sight of me running as slow as a snail. Fred, ditch the buffet. You've got a date with a celery stick."

"What?! C'mon! It's been four whole hours since I've had any junk food!"

"But by my standards, that's about five and a half months. Take it like a man, Freddy. In some religions people give up whole foods for several weeks at a time."

"I... I never thought of it that way. Ok, I'll give those celery sticks a try."

--------------------

Fred, Pietro, and Lance were in the basement, which housed a small gym. Mystique wanted them all to stay in peak physical shape, so she had bought them expensive exercise equipment. Todd was there too, but he mostly just sat and watched.

"I don't know about this," Fred said as Pietro led him to a treadmill.

"C'mon, it'll be fun. Hell, I'll give you a challenge." Pietro stepped onto the adjacent treadmill. "Race me!"

"How do you expect me to do that?!"

"Easy, step on and run!" Pietro pressed a few buttons and began to run at a slower pace than he normally did. After all, the machines could only take so much. 

Fred stepped on the treadmill and pressed a few random buttons. He started with a slow pace, then began to jog. After a few minutes, the machine broke. After all, the machines could only take so much.

"Dammit, Blob!" Todd yelled. He hopped over to the machine to inspect the damage. Fred just sat there, blinking.

"Yep, just as I thought. Beyond repair. Mystique's gonna have your fat ass whipped!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know there was a weight limit?" Fred yelled, grabbing Todd by the collar.

"Ok, take it easy, Fred," Lance said. "Uh... go have a salad or something while Toad cleans up."

"ME?! Why do I always gotta clean up?!"

--------------------

Fred and Pietro had gone out to jog before school. Pietro was wearing his usual attire, but Fred wore a gray sweatsuit, complete with a headband. Pietro remembered to slow down so that he didn't leave Fred behind.

"Hey! Wait up!"

"Argh! Alright..."

"Wait, wait, slow down!"

"Dammit, Fred, try to keep up!"

"I said slow down!"

"No wonder they call you the Blob! You move like a slug!"

"Hey! Don't get ahead of me!"

"Fine, fine..." They jogged past the Xavier Institute, hoping to avoid being-

"Hey! Look at this!"

Too late. Evan and Kurt saw them through the gates. They found the sight of Fred trying to exercise and Pietro trying to slow down hilarious.

"Yeah, laugh it up, geeks!" Fred yelled, "'Cuz once I slim down, you won't get away!"

"Ooh, I'm really scared now!" Kurt said between giggles.

"Hey, Pietro," Evan called, "Why are you running with him?"

"He's gotta learn from the best, blondie. We don't have time for you freaks. We've got a schedule to keep."

"Ok, just be careful not to cause an earthquake!" Kurt yelled as they jogged off.

"Why didn't we cream them, Pietro?"

"Because, you big doof, the security system would blow your head off before you could blink. Besides, we gotta get to school."

"What, now?"

"Yes, now!" Fred immediately headed to the gym to take a shower and change. Pietro just headed straight for class. After avoiding being seen naked, Fred head to class. He had Spanish, so he'd just sleep through class.

--------------------

It had been two weeks since Fred had gone on his diet, and he remained faithful to it. He DID bribe Todd into sneaking him some burgers, but Pietro caught him.

Fred sat on the couch, eating a salad. With a fork, even.

"Ok, Freddy. It's the two week mark. Time to weigh you in," Pietro said, pointing to the scale.

"Wha? Ok," Fred said, putting his salad down and walking over to it. He stood on it, and waited for it to give a proper reading.

"What?! How?!" Pietro yelled, staring at the number given. "You haven't lost a single pound!!"

"What?! I did all that work for nothing?!"

"You've been bribing Toad, haven't you?" Todd looked up, half-surprised.

"No! I swear!"

"This doesn't make any sense!" Pietro began to pace around, wondering what went wrong. Lance walked by, polishing his helmet.

"That's easy," Lance said as he looked at his reflection on his dome-shaped headgear, "He's fat because he's a mutant."

"You mean I'm gonna be stuck like this forever?" Fred said, a tone of anger evident.

"Looks that way. Toad's not getting a tan anytime soon, either."

"Argh!! Pietro!! I'll kill you!" Fred yelled as Pietro ran off. Fred chased after him, his fists raised. Lance and Todd looked on.

"Five bucks on Fred," Todd said.

"You're on."

**The End **


	5. Speedcam

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Speedcam"  
King of the Worthless**

The bell rang, and the students began to file out of the classroom. Pietro, however, remained behind.

"Pietro, when I said 'Star Wars', I meant the movie, not the missile defense program."

"But I LIKE missiles!"

Yes, a twist of irony for our friend Pietro. When he had signed up for Film Critique, he thought he would just spend the entire period watching movies.

"I'll tell you what, Pietro, I'll let you make this up," Mr. Maltin said, reaching behind his desk. He pulled out a digital camera. "How about you make a short, five-minute documentary over your life?"

"That all? I'll have it done in a flash."

"Remember, Pietro, you have a week before the end of the grading period, so I suggest you use your time wisely."

"Yes, sir," Pietro said, taking the camera and walking out of the room. Todd was waiting outside, holding his geometry textbook.

"Yo, Pietro. What's with th' fancy camera?"

"Mr. Maltin wants me to do a report on my life."

"Just turn in a blank tape, you ain't got no life." Pietro quickly smacked the back of Todd's head. Having made his retort, Pietro walked towards the window and began to film.

"Hey Toad, you know anything about video editing?"

"Do I? It's my thing!"

"Your... thing?"

"Yeah. Don't tell anyone, but my goal in life is to be in th' movie business."

"As what, a stagehand?"

"Nah, a director. I ain't takin' Advanced Media for nothin'."

"Alright, we've got that settled. Let's get to class. If we're late again, Mrs. Schmitt will skin us alive."

--------------------

"Lance, I've been thinking," Fred said as he munched on a Crunch bar.

"Don't, we don't want you hurting yourself."

"Ha, ha, Lance. But like I was saying, you ever wonder why Mystique gave us our names?"

"It's simple, Fred. I can make the ground shake. You're large and blubbery. Obvious enough," Lance replied as he leaned against one of the columns in the courtyard.

"No, I mean, your name is Avalanche. It sounds like Lance."

"Hey, it sort of does... hey, wait a second... Avalanche, Lance..."

"I already said that!" Fred yelled.

Lance ignored him and continued to look for the deeper connection. "Avalanche, Lance Alvers... Avalanche, Lance Alvers..."

Pietro and Todd walked up to them, holding the camera and a tripod, respectively. "Hey, guys," Pietro said.

"Hey," Fred replied. Lance continued talking to himself. "What are you doing with that camera?"

"I'm making a documentary on my life."

"You don't have-"

"Shut up, Fred. You guys wanna be in it?"

"Doing what?"

"The stuff we normally do. Mystique says we can't use our powers on film, though."

"Avalanche... Lance Alvers..."

"Yes, Lance. You're Avalanche..." Pietro sarcastically said.

"No, you dickhead, I'm trying to find a connection here..." 

--------------------

"This is the life of Pietro Maximoff, teen demigod!" Pietro yelled into the camera. Todd had mounted the camera on the tripod and tried to keep up as Pietro played basketball with Lance. Even at normal speed, Todd had trouble keeping up with Pietro. Lance had tired out and took a break. Pietro ran back to the camera.

"I'm too fast! Nobody can match my moves! Try as you might, you just can't compete!"

"And cut," Todd said. "We'll edit that out later."

"Edit that out?! Who are YOU to decide?"

"Well, I'm th' director, so..."

"No, I'M the director, Toad! This is MY project!"

"I'm the one behind th' camera! You can't direct if you're not even payin' attention!"

"Hey, if Costner can do it, so can I! Now, we'll need to move on to something else. How about we get a couple of shots of us just hanging out?"

"Sounds good to me... wait, you want this to be a long shot, or a medium long shot, or..."

"Any shot, doesn't matter. Just get us all in there." Todd hit the record button and hopped towards his friends.

"Alright, guys," Pietro said, "In this shot, we'll just sit here and hang out."

"Avalanche, Lance Alvers..."

"Yeah, and you keep talking to yourself, Lance. Lights, camera, action!"

"Uh, Pietro, in th' industry, we just say 'action'," Todd said. Pietro ignored him and sat down. A few minutes went by, and they said nothing.

"Ok, change of plan," Pietro said, "How about we just look at the camera? Action!"

"Wait, just action? You didn't give us any cues! In th' industr-"

"Whatever. Just look at the camera." After a few minutes of looking, Todd ran towards the camera and stopped it.

--------------------

"Ok, for this next scene," Pietro said, now wearing shades and a black vest and carrying around a megaphone, "I want you to jump down from the rafters."

"Cake," Todd said, jumping to the rafters inside the gym. Lance and Fred sat at the bleachers.

"And, action!"

"No! Cut!"

"What's wrong, Toad?"

"Does my hair look ok?"

"You're Todd Tolensky. Your hair NEVER looks ok."

"Ok, good. I'm ready!" Todd jumped down from the rafters and struck a pose, pointing at the camera with both hands.

"Cut! Toad, what the hell was that?!"

"Improv."

"No! No improv! This is MY movie, and you do as I say! Now, let's try this again. When you jump down, get in your usual crouch position. And, action!"

Todd jumped down and crouched. Pietro stopped the camera and spun it around on the tripod to face the bleachers. "Your turn, Freddy."

"Wha?"

"Just sit there and look mean... yeah, that's good. Action! Cut! That was magnificent, Fred. In all my years in this business I've never had the pleasure of working with a more cooperative and professional actor."

"I'm an arteest," Fred said, puffing his chest with pride.

"Avalanche, Lance Alvers..."

"Lance! Are you ready for your closeup?"

"Avalanche, Lance Alvers..."

"Lance?"

"Avalanche, Lance Alv-"

"Lance!" Pietro yelled with the aid of his megaphone. Lance turned his head and gave him a blank, confused look. "Yeah, hold that expression. Simply marvelous, Lance! Toad, roll the camera!"

Todd simply pushed the record buttion and then turned back to his magazine. On Pietro's megaphoned order, Todd stopped the camera.

"Excellent, we're right on schedule," Pietro said, putting his megaphone down. "We begin shooting the remaining scenes tomorrow at noon. Get some rest and be ready by then."

--------------------

After two more days of filming, Pietro and Todd headed into the computer lab to edit the movie. Todd hooked the camera up to the computer and began to capture the footage.

"How long is this going to take?"

"Not long... ok, lemme get th' editing program up."

"Ok, put the scene with us hanging out at the beginning. Yeah, cut the hopping out." Todd followed Pietro's directions and trimmed the clip. "Ok, that's good... now, add the next scene."

"Uh, which one?"

"Uh... the one with Lance, looking all stupid. Yeah, that one." After about an hour of editing, Todd was ready to record the voice-over.

"I'm Pietro Maximoff," Pietro said into the microphone, "And these are the people I hang out with. That's... holy shit, Toad, you've got something in your hair."

"How many legs?!" Todd yelled in alarm.

"Eight... no, no, six."

"Oh, ok." Todd picked it from his hair and popped it into his mouth.

"Yeah... you can cut that out, right? Ok, good, now, where was I?"

"You were introducin' me."

"Oh, right. I knew that. Ok, ready? This is Todd Tolensky, otherwise known as Moron... hey! Why'd you stop it?'

"I'll just cut th' moron part out."

"NO! It's MY movie! You do as I say!"

"I don't have to deal with your crap! I'm outta here!" Todd got up and walked out of the room.

"Fine! I'll do this myself!! Now... how hard can it be...?"

--------------------

And now, for your reading pleasure, Pietro's finished video, written more like an actual script (but still a little off).

EXT- Bayville High- Long Shot

An establishing shot of the school. The scene cuts to black. The title appears.

PIETRO MAXIMOFF- PORTRAIT OF A DEMIGOD.

INT- Bayville Gym- Medium Long Shot

The Brotherhood sits on the bleachers

Pietro: Alright, guys, In this shot, we'll just sit here and hang out.

Lance: Avalanche, Lance Alvers...

Pietro: Yeah, and you keep talking to yourself, Lance.

Pietro (Voice-over): These are my friends.

Todd: Uh, Pietro, in th' industry, we just say "action".

INT- Bayville Gym- Medium Shot

Todd jumped down from offscreen and points at the camera.

Pietro (Offscreen): Cut! Toad, what the hell was that?!

Pietro (VO): This is Todd Tolensky. He's a moron.

Pietro (OS): This is MY movie, and you do as I say!

INT- Bayville Gym- Medium Closeup

Fred sits there.

Pietro (OS): That was magnificent, Fred.

Pietro (VO): This is Fred Dukes. He's big and slow.

Pietro (OS): ...had the pleasure of working with a more cooperative...

INT- Bayville Gym- Medium Closeup

Lance stares at the camera.

Pietro (VO): This is Lance Alvers. He's cool, but he's pretty stupid.

Pietro (OS): Toad, stop the camera! Toad! Toad, put that porno magazine down for just a second and turn the god damned cam...

EXT- Bayville Courtyard- Long Shot

The X-Men hang out.

Pietro (VO): These are some geeks. Ok, prepare to stop laughing, I'm about to move to a different scene.

INT- Bayville Hallway- Long Shot

Pietro runs by, with his backpack on, at normal speed.

Pietro (VO): Gotta get to class!

The words "THE END" appear. Then the credits roll:

Directed by Pietro Maximoff

Produced by Pietro Maximoff

Edited by Pietro Maximoff

Starring Pietro Maximoff and others

Geeks Provided by Xavier Sideshow

No freshmen were harmed in the making of this film

Copyright Pietro Maximoff, All Rights Reserved.

--------------------

"Pietro, what the hell is this?"

"It's a movie about my life."

"No it's not, it's a three minute crapfest. I'm sorry, Pietro, I can't give you credit for this."

"Dammit, Mr. Maltin! Do you have to be such an ass?!"

"It's my job, Pietro. Now sit down."

--------------------

"Thanks a lot, Toad," Pietro said as he walked up to the lunch table. "If you hadn't ditched me, I would've gotten a good grade."

"If you wouldn't yell at me, I wouldn'ta ditched you."

"You need a lesson in taking orders, Toad!"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down man!" Fred sat down with his usual tray, followed by Lance.

"Avalanche... holy shit... guys I found it!"

"Found what?" Pietro asked, annoyed.

"Avalanche, Alvers, Lance!"

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm a walking pun!! How lame is that?!" 

"Uh... anyway, Toad, we have another video project in Film Critique coming up. I want you to get the cam-"

"NO!! NO!!" Todd yelled as he ran out of the cafeteria.

"What's with Toad?" Fred asked.

"Oh, he's a little stressed," Pietro answered.

**The End**


	6. A Feast Fit for a Lion

_**Hmmm. Reading this one again, I realize just how Red Witch-inspired this was. She has yet to send her apparent horde of fans to smite me, so I don't think she minds.**_

**X-Men: Evolution  
"A Feast Fit for a Lion"  
King of the Worthless**

No disclaimer. You should be smart enough to remember the rules. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

The day started out as any other. Students in class, teachers boring them, and the Brotherhood finding someone to pick on.

"Just leave me alone!" Paul yelled. Fred held him up in the air while Lance leaned against Fred's elbow and Todd sat on top of the lockers.

"We'll let you go if you hand over your wallet."

"I didn't bring it! I swear!"

Lance knew Paul didn't have his wallet, but Paul was basically Scott's closest non-mutant friend. Paul would probably tell Scott about the incident and Scott would naturally come after them. Lance enjoyed the mutant-on-mutant fights, almost as much as Pietro did.

"We'll let you down... if you bring us Summers' shades," Lance said.

"What? But he needs those!"

"For what? Protection?"

"N-no... they're prescription! He has bad vision! He can't see without them!"

"Is that his excuse?" Todd asked. "Why don't you just give 'em to us and find out?"

"And what if I don't?" Paul said, getting a bit brave.

"Then we find you and cream you. Got it?"

"Will the following students please report to the main office," the secretary said over the PA system. Lance, Fred and Todd collectively groaned. Paul just blinked.

"Pietro Maximoff, Jim Bowman, Lance Alvers, Fred Dukes, and Todd Towlen-sky."

"TOLEN-SKI!!" Todd yelled, as if yelling at the speaker would help. Fred threw Paul on the floor and the three began to walk off. Lance quickly turned to look at Paul.

"Remember. Give us his shades or you're going home in five pieces."

"Hey, who's Jim Bowman?" Fred asked.

"Maybe someone who's actually in trouble," Lance replied. "Let's go."

--------------------

Lance, Fred and Todd entered Ms. Darkholme's office and shut the door behind them. Pietro was already there.

"I'm glad you could come," Ms. Darkholme said. "I have an assignment for you."

"What is it this time?" Pietro asked. "Infiltration? Assassination? Sabotage?"

"No. I want the four of you to get cleaned up for dinner."

"Ooh! Are we havin' something special?" Fred asked.

"No. We're going out. I've reserved a table at a fancy restaurant."

"So why are we coming?" Lance asked.

"Because it's an exercise in keeping your powers concealed. We leave at six. Be ready. You are dismissed."

--------------------

For once, the Brotherhood looked nice, even if they didn't agree.

"I look like Summers," Lance whined. He was wearing an outfit almost identical to Scott's usual attire, except the shirt was black.

"How do you think I feel?" Todd said, "I'm dressed like blueboy." Todd was wearing an outfit very similar to Kurt's, except his pants weren't as baggy and his shirt had longer sleeves.

"Hey, how come you don't have to dress up, Fred?" Lance asked.

"Mystique couldn't find anything that'd fit me." Pietro walked out of the bathroom, dressed in his usual attire. Lance and Todd glared at him.

"Hey, just because you two are dressed like clowns doesn't mean you can look at me like that. Now cut it out before I smack you both."

"Are we ready?" Ms. Darkholme asked. Oddly enough, she was wearing the same thing she always wore.

"Do we HAVE to dress like this?"

"Yes, you do. Now, before we leave, I want to stress some rules. Blob, I want you to show some manners. Use the silverware. Avalanche, I expect you to keep the food on your plate. Spoons are not to be used as catapaults. Quicksilver, I want you to take your time and chew your food. Toad... oh, where to begin."

Todd frowned.

"You will sit like a civilized human. I know that you are not one, but try to act like it. You are not to secrete any slime this evening, and you are to walk upright. You are not to extend your tongue, and you are not to steal food from other plates. You are not to squat, you are not to spit, and you are not to make faces. Are we clear?"

"Yes, Mystique..."

"What's this? I can breathe!" Ms. Darkholme exclaimed. "Toad, did you take a shower?"

"Yeah."

"And you used SOAP?!"

"Yeah."

"I'm so very proud of you!"

--------------------

"Welcome," the waiter said. "I am Peter, and I will be your waiter this evening. Would you like something to start off?"

"Uh, yeah, I'll have the-"

"Sh, Pietro," Ms. Darkholme whispered. "We're waiting for a guest to join us shortly. We'll order then, thank you." Peter nodded and left.

"We have a guest?" Lance asked. "You're not introducing us to your new boyfriend, are you, mom?"

"No sarcasm, Mr. Alvers. Ah, here he is." The Brotherhood looked towards the entrance to see a large man, easily seven feet tall, wearing a gray suit and a red tie. His long, blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail.

"Victor, so glad you could join us," Ms. Darkholme said. "This is Victor Creed. Victor, allow me to introduce to you Pietro Maximoff..."

"Hey."

"Lance Alvers..."

"Hey."

"Fred Dukes..."

"Hey."

"And Toad To... oh dear."

"Todd Tolensky."

"Yes, Todd Tolensky," Ms. Darkholme repeated. Victor sat down and Peter brought them the menus.

"I think I'll have the roast duck," Lance said. Pietro rapidly skimmed through the menu several times before deciding on the Filet Minon.

"Dammit, this stuff is all so expensive," Fred said. "It's all in small portions... I guess I'll have the roast duck, too."

"What? No cheeseburgers?"

"No, Todd," Ms. Darkholme said as she rolled her eyes. "Why don't you have some soup, Todd? It's good for you."

"Soup?! How come they get to order good stuff and I gotta order soup?"

"Don't argue." Todd shrugged and picked a soup at random. Ms. Darkholme had ordered the lobster, and Victor... well, Victor seemed to be ordering everything on the menu.

"HEY!" Fred yelled.

"No yelling!" Ms. Darkholme scorned. Now came the toughest part- waiting for the food. Ms. Darkholme and Victor began to discuss... something or other, nobody was paying attention. Lance was busy staring at one of the waitresses, Fred was chowing down on the complementary bread sticks, and Todd... was getting fidgety.

"Toad, put the fork down," Pietro warned. Todd put the fork down and picked up his spoon. He reached for the glass and...

"Toad, no," Pietro warned.

"But... but..."

"Just... no." Todd put the spoon down and quietly drummed his fingers on the table, humming to himself. Pietro just looked at him and he quickly stopped. He reached for a breadstick, but Fred quickly swiped it.

"Uh... aww..."

Suddenly, Peter appeared, after what seemed like ages. He brought their dinner and quietly left.

"Now, I want you to show your manners, boys," Ms. Darkholme reminded them. She turned to her right to see Victor eating straight off the plate.

"Victor...?"

"WHAT?!" Victor yelled, chunks of food stuck onto his face. Ms. Darkholme smiled nervously and turned back to her own meal.

"Hey! No fair!" Fred yelled. He followed Victor's example and even took Lance's food.

"HEY!!" Lance yelled. The table began to shake.

"Lance! That's enough! Fred, mind your manners! Pietro, get back here!" The entire restaurant was shaking. Pietro had already zoomed off, and Victor and Fred continued eating, having a little contest, completely ignoring the chaos around them.

"That does it! Stop this at once or it's in-school suspension for a month!" Of course, nobody was listening. Chunks of the ceiling began to crumble, and Victor had just finished his food, just before Fred.

"Awww..." Fred said. "Hey, I'll wrestle you!"

"You're on!" Amid the mayhem, Todd jumped from table to table, snatching breadsticks. By now, Ms. Darkholme was on the floor, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Fred pinned Victor, winning the match, and most of the roof had already collapsed.

--------------------

Several minutes later, with almost everyone out of the restaurant, Ms. Darkholme climbed out of the rubble.

"Oh... where are you? Did you all survive?" After a few seconds, Fred, Victor, Lance and Todd popped up.

"Victor, I'm so sorry," Ms. Darkholme said, "I'll punish them for ruining the evening!"

"Ruining? You kidding? I want you to reward them!"

"W-what?!"

"They're like the cubs I never had!" Victor said with a laugh.

"Hear that?" Lance said, "We're his cubs!"

"Is that good or bad?" Todd asked.

"Uh... meow?" Fred muttered.

"You... but... I... and... oh what's the use?" Ms. Darkholme collapsed onto the rubble. The others just stared.

"What's with her?"

"I dunno... she's just tired, I guess," Victor said. "Hey, race you to the gas station!"

**The End**


	7. Night of Passion

**(A little history to this... some of you older folks might remember this one... the reactions still make me laugh... it's too bad all the old reviews were lost when my account got deleted)**

**X-Men: Evolution  
"A Night of Passion"  
King of the Worthless**

**Ok, fine, so I tried my hand at a Kurtty fic. I don't own the characters. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Kurt walked out of the Danger Room after a good workout. He had a few close calls and deactivated the simulation earlier than he had planned. As he staggered out, he found Kitty, dressed in her civilian clothes.

"Kurt... are you alright?"

"I'm a little tired, I'm in pain, and I'm stressed. I'll be fine, Kitty."

"Alright, I'll help get you cleaned up." Kitty helped Kurt into his room.

Kurt lay on the bed, shirtless. He had several slashes on his left arm and chest, but none very serious. Kitty washed him with a warm towel, feeling his small, yet muscular chest.

"You really like that, don't you?" Kurt whispered.

Kitty smiled and continued to wipe his wounds. Kurt was quite an attractive boy. His blue fur somehow made him irresistable to women.

Kurt quickly grabbed Kitty's arm and pulled her onto the bed, on top of him. He wrapped one arm around the back of her waist and held the back of her head. He pulled her closer, kissing her deeply, his hand reaching around her, fondling her exposed bre-

"Nyahahaha..."

"Kurt, what was that?"

"Who's zere?!"

Todd looked up. He was perched on the balcony outside, holding a camera. "Er... no, keep it up, you guys are doin' good!"

"Toad, get out before I, like, call Wolverine up here!"

"Ok, I'll go... " Todd said, hopping away. Pietro was waiting on the ground.

"So what'd you find?"

"Just blueboy and Kitty shaggin'. I got some of it on camera." Todd and Pietro walked off the property. The hopped into Fred's black pickup truck, with Lance waiting in the back.

"I can't believe you guys went through all that trouble just so Toad could get Kitty naked on camera."

"Hey, what can I say, I got a thing for her..."

"So now what?" Lance asked as Todd started watching the playback.

"I guess we have no other choice but to go out and get drunk," Pietro said. Several hours later, the four drunken teens drove home and got into a car accident. Fred was ok, Todd jumped out in time, Pietro saw it coming and jumped out the window, and Lance suffered a minor concussion.

**The End.**

Haha, did you honestly think I'd lower myself to writing Kurtty fics? Well, the passion is there. A passion for alcohol, that is.


	8. Confessions

**__**

Intro note here: This is actually my first piece of Evo-related fanfiction. My second, Elections, is first because it's the first of the Perpetually Screwed stories. Anyway, looking back at this, this one really isn't funny (and I'm not just being modest, I only find about two or three of these confessions amusing anymore), but it's here because of its historical significance. I think. Anyway, enjoy.

After escaping the Middleverse, Forge created a machine that forced people to tell the truth. Unfortunately, it only works for a few seconds before it shorted out and needed repair. Luckily, Forge was able to record some secrets from several people. 

**Professor X**: "Well, one night, when Logan, Scott, Kurt and Evan had gone to see a football game, I used my powers to control Jean, Kitty, Rogue and Ororo. I made them dance and I made them pleasure me. After our wild orgy, I erased the event from their memories and released them from my control."

**Wolverine**: "Most people don't realize that I have super-keen vision. Sometimes I get distracted staring at the notches in a quarter, so I'm not paying attention when Chuck gives the orders. Everyone just thinks I'm a rebel of some sort and the brats stay away from me, so I guess it works out fine."

**Storm**: "I caused Hurricane Andrew. I was just having fun, honest."

**Cyclops**: "I can control my powers just fine. I only wear the shades because they cost Professor Xavier a lot of money, and he'd be pretty mad if he paid for nothing. Besides, they look good on me."

**Jean Grey**: "Professor Xavier's psychic powers have no effect on me."

**Rogue**: "Mah real name is What The Fuck. No really, that's what mah parents named me."

**Nightcrawler**: "Ah'm not German. Ah'm actually from Texas."

**Spyke**: "I popped a spike in the wrong place once. I don't think I can have kids anymore."

**Shadowcat**: "Ok, like, I do like Kurt, but I don't want to get with him because I'm afraid I'll, like, find little blue hairs in my... um... area."

**Magneto**: "I wanted to have a black costume, but Mystique said that purple was my color. She said she wouldn't help me if I wore a 'cliché black costume', so we compromised."

**Mystique**: "Sometimes, I strip naked, morph into Denise Richards, and dance in front of a mirror."

**Sabretooth**: "That bastard, Logan... I've been trying to give him his wallet back for ten years, and everytime he sees me, he tries to kill me! I've tried restraining him so that I can talk to him without getting a claw in my shoulder, but then those brats try to free him! It seems you can't be honest anymore these days!"

**Avalanche**: "I hate this bowl on my head. Why can't I get a cool helmet, like Magneto?"

**Blob**: "My favorite movie is Bambi."

**Toad**: "I don't like eating bugs, but Mystique says I have to gross everyone out. Stupid bitch, why won't she let me be normal?"

**Quicksilver**: "You know... that Duncan Matthews guy's not bad..."

**Juggernaut**: "That cellular bio-paralysis fluid's actually kinda tasty."

**Forge**: "I once got so bored, I invented a machine that plays music recorded on small discs. Then I found out it already existed. What a drag."

**Paul**: "I once spent the night at Scott's house. I saw this weird, scary monster and ran off. The next day Scott told me it was just Jean without her makeup. Those shades hide black eyes pretty well."

**Duncan**: "I don't like the guys who hang out with him, but I think that Maximoff kid's got a nice ass."

**Irene**: "You know, maybe I should've used my powers to win the lottery..."

**Forge plans to use some of these quotes to blackmail these people. If they don't kill him first.**


	9. Bloody Hell

**The disclaimer looked Cyclops in the eyes. The inspiration for this came one night while drinking a glass of milk and watching some infomercials. Little did I realize that a small visitor had infiltrated my apartment and attempted to steal from my precious reserves of vital fluid. Anyway, the little fucker gave me hell all night, and six unauthorized withdrawals from the Solano Blood Bank later, she was smashed under a boot.**

Anyway, an alert reader noticed there was a little bit missing. Must've happened somehow during the transition... how come you guys didn't tell me sooner? It's been fixed. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Bayville High School was your typical high school. Like all high schools, it had its collection of geeks, preps, skaters and such, and like in all high schools, these people talked with their friends and had a generally good time.

However, there was one thing that set Bayville apart from the others. No, it wasn't the mutants.

It was a mosquito.

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Bloody Hell"  
King of the Worthless**

Kurt Wagner was late to school, due to a malfunctioning image inducer. He opened his locker and put his geometry book inside. The second he opened it, he heard a strange, faint buzzing noise.

"Vhat?" Kurt looked at his watch. "Ze image inducer looks alright... vhat could it be?" After a few seconds, Kurt shrugged and grabbed his English book. He slammed the locker door closed and felt a dull, almost unnoticeable pain in his tail. He looked back to see a mosquito sitting on his disguised tail, drinking his blood.

"Hey! Zere's a limited supply!" Kurt waved his tail around and the mosquito flew away. Meanwhile, Rogue sat in her History class, doing a re-test. She was alone in the room, with the exception of her teacher grading some papers.

"Oh man, this sucks," she thought to herself. She chewed on her eraser as she looked over the current question:

Al Capone was arrested for what?  
A. Tax evasion  
B. Murder  
C. Indecent exposure  
D. Nothing; the government is against us  
E. All of the above

"I just know it's B..." she said to herself. Suddenly, the dreaded mosquito began to fly around her head. She swatted at it, but it wouldn't go away.

"You little pest! Only a masochist would land on me!" As if capable of understanding English, the mosquito flew out the window.

In the parking lot, Lance Alvers and Fred Dukes leaned against Fred's black pickup. Lance took a drink from a Coke can, which was really a cleverly disguised beer.

"So what class are you supposed to be in, Fred?"

"Uh... can't remember. I think it's some science class." Lance took another sip and noticed the dread mosquito on Fred's wrist.

"Freddy, you've got a bug sucking on you."

"You stupid bug! You can't hurt me! I'm the Blob!" The mosquito was apparently unable to pierce Fred's skin and flew away.

-------------------------------

After flying through the parking lot, the mosquito found its next host. Scott Summers and Jean Grey were getting some stuff out of the trunk of Scott's red sports car, when the little fiend struck again.

"Ow!" Scott said. "That mosquito just bit me!"

"Well, there's nothing you can do about it, Scott."

"Oh, yes there is! In less than an hour, this little incision will swell up and cause me all sorts of discomfort! I'm going to make sure that thing doesn't have another drink." Scott lifted his shades and fired, but missed. Jean quickly pulled his shades back down.

"You can't just kill every creature that bothers you, Scott."

"Well, take it up with the mosquito, it started it!" The mosquito decided to take a trip back to the school. It flew around the courtyard, where Evan Daniels sat, drinking a carton of milk. He was holding a basketball under his foot, and he was waiting for someone.

"Where IS everyone?" Evan said to himself. He hadn't seen the X-Men since morning, and he had nobody else to talk to. He began to consider his life. He was boring and plain. Nobody ever-

"Back off, bug!" Evan yelled at the mosquito. Evan fired a few pin-sized bone-spikes, which obviously didn't touch the mosquito, but instead scared it away. The mosquito flew into the building through a window, and into a classroom.

"Now, you must all remember that Michael Bay is an idiot," Mr. Maltin said. "If you see a movie with his name or Jerry Bruckheimer on the credits, what do you do? Pietro?"

"Uh... crap," Pietro Maximoff answered, "You... uh... stay away from them?"

"And why?"

"Because... it makes their movie less successful and teaches them that they shouldn't try it again?"

"That is correct, Pietro. Would anyone like to take a guess as to why they still make movies? Laura?" Pietro sighed in relief. It was a good thing that he had remembered that, or Mr. Maltin would use his face was an ashtray. He still wondered why he had signed up for the-

"Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

"Dammit! Mr. Maltin, can I close the window? There's bugs flying in!"

"No, Pietro, the window stays open."

"But there's a mosquito in here!"

"Pietro, it's a mosquito. It's not going to kill you."

"Yeah, and what if it's carrying malaria? Huh? What then, huh?"

"Then you're screwed and it's not my problem." Pietro swatted at the mosquito, but somehow the bloodsucking insect managed to evade Pietro's quick hands. He made a quick swipe and closed his hand into a fist.

"Gotcha now..." Pietro opened his hand to find it empty. "Huh? No way this can be a mutant mosquito..." The mosquito quickly flew back out the window. 

---------------------------------------

Kitty Pryde sat in her desk, writing a note while the rest of her English class was busy taking a test. Kurt walked in, carrying his bookbag. He sat down in the seat next to Kitty.

"Where were you?"

"Ze image inducer went hayw... it's you!" Kurt pointed at the mosquito sitting on Kitty's note.

"Relax, Kurt, it's just a mosquito." Kitty waved her hand, and the mosquito buzzed off. She continued writing her note as the mosquito hovered around.

"Ok, mosquito, I don't need you here, like, interrupting me..." Kitty continued to write the note, but the mosquito was still there.

"Alright! Now you die!" Kitty clapped her hands together in an attempt to smash the mosquito, but it moved out of the way and quickly flew out the window. Now the mosquito was flying around behind the building, and there were no hosts in sight... except for one.

Todd Tolensky sat on top of his bookbag, shuffling a deck of cards. He left class on the premise that he was going to the restroom, but now he wasn't so sure that he even had anything better to do. As he shuffled, he felt a dull pain on his hand.

"Ah! What the-?!" Todd looked down to see the mosquito sitting on the back of his hand. "Hey there, lil' mosquito! Just stay where you are, cause Uncle Toad's gonna take good care of you!"

Todd quickly shot his tongue out, but the mosquito flew away, and the tongue slapped the back of his hand.

"Ah! Hey! Get back here!" Todd took a long jump forward and landed right in the mosquito's path. "I ain't finished with you yet!" Todd extended his tongue once more, only to find it held in Ms. Darkholme's firm grip.

"Mr. Tolensky, I've told you before that you are not to use your tongue on school grounds. I'll be seeing you in detention this afternoon."

"Aw... but... but..."

"...And tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to hear another wor... what's this?" Ms. Darkholme noticed the mosquito buzzing around her face. Her eyes followed it carefully, like a tiger tracking its prey. She quickly clapped her hands, crushing the mosquito. She wiped her hands on Todd's shirt and walked off.

"Ooh..." Todd wiped the remnants of the mosquito into his hands and licked them up.

"Three days of detention, Toad!"

"Dammit!"

**The End**

Well, with that out of the way, I can go to sleep, bug free.


	10. Toad Needs a Kidney

**Disclaimers are for the weak. Oh, and excuse the grammar.  
**

Lance, Fred, and Pietro sat at their usual table at lunch. It was regarded as their table because they had carved their names on it. The daily special was meatloaf, so that's what Lance was having. Fred had everything that wasn't the daily special, and Pietro just a Coke and a bag of chips. Todd jumped onto the table, holding his usual Twix.

"Whassup, guys," Todd said. They gave him their usual greetings, with Lance and Pietro saying 'hey' and Fred just grunting to acknowledge that he was aware that Todd had arrived. Todd began to eat one of the Twix cookies when something happened.

"Aw, shit... shit... shit..." Todd screamed as he rolled around in pain.

"Todd, put a sock in it."

"Ow... aaaah... Lance, it hurts!"

"I told you to stop, Toad!"

"But... but Lance!"

"That's enough out of you!"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Toad Needs a Kidney"  
King of the Worthless**

"Well, it looks grim," Professor Xavier said. The Brotherhood had taken Todd to the Institute rather than a regular hospital. There was no need to attract attention to an ailing mutant.

"Yeah? What happened to him?" Pietro asked.

"Both of his kidneys exploded," Xavier explained, "Due to overexposure to the active substance 'ADD SUBSTANCE HERE' found in Twix candy bars. The substance had a peculiar effect on his blood, which caused his kidneys to work harder than usual. Despite their efforts, the kidneys were unable to keep up and exploded. If we can't get a donor within a day, he'll surely die."

Pietro turned to Fred and Lance. "Any of you guys have a kidney to donate?"

"Uh... no."

"I need 'em both," Fred said.

"Well, I'll have to ask my students, then. Or you could-"

"Forget it!" Lance yelled. "We don't need their help! We can find him a kidney ourselves! C'mon, guys!"

The trio were escorted off the grounds by Logan, and they began to walk home. They were silent most of the way, but Fred decided to speak up.

"You guys really think we can find him a kidney? It won't be the same without him."

"Yeah," Lance said in a melancholy tone, "Nobody to snatch our food, nobody to stink up the place, nobody to... wait a second, did Toad ever do anything good?"

All three began to think. And think. And think. And think.

"Uh... he told a funny joke the other day," Pietro said.

"Then why are we helping him?"

"Because he's our friend, Lance. Sort of." 

--------------------

"And...?" Ms. Darkholme asked.

"And we need a kidney."

"And you want ME to donate it?"

"Yeah."

"Are you out of your minds? Why don't you give him one of your kidneys?!"

"Well, so much for that," Lance said as they walked out of her office. "Is there anyplace we haven't tried?"

"Uh... we haven't asked the geeks, or any of their friends," Pietro replied.

"We can't try that... ok, let's go ask Mr. Maltin again."

--------------------

"Hey... hey... Lance? Fred? Pietro? Where'dya go?!"

"It's alright, Todd," Professor Xavier said. "You're at the Institute. You are in serious need of a kidney."

"Wha? A kidney? Why am I still alive?!"

"I'm keeping you alive. I can only keep this up for a short time, before a new kidney is required." Todd looked up at the ceiling.

"You... you have a kidney for me?"

"Well, your friends insisted on getting you one themselves, but if they're unable to provide one, I'd be more than happy to give one of mine up."

"Whoa... don't fuck with my head like that, man."

"No, I'm serious."

"Yeah, and then you'll want me to join your little team," Todd said, turning his head the other way.

"No. I just want to help you. I know that you're not a bad person, Todd. Just misguided."

--------------------

"Hey, Jason," Lance whispered from behind the lockers. "We need to talk."

"Talk? About what?"

"I hear you have two perfectly good kidneys."

"Yes, I like to keep myself in good health."

"Well you're holding out on us! Hand one over!"

"What?" Jason began to step away as Lance approached.

"Well? You gonna gimme a kidney or not?"

"Why do you-"

"Don't ask questions, and I won't give answers," Lance said, raising a fist. Jason started to run. Lance was about to run after him when Scott walked out of the bathroom.

"Get lost Summers! I told you we don't need your help!"

"Uh..." Lance stormed off, leaving a very confused Scott.

--------------------

"Hey guys!" Pietro said as the team changed in the locker room after practice, "Your urine tests are in, and you're all clean, except for Sanders and Daniels. Now, any of you other guys want to donate a kidney?"

"Fuck off."

"Beat it."

"What's a kidney?"

Pietro really didn't expect much from his team. They were good players, but not very helpful otherwise. He stepped into coach's office to speak with him.

"Hey, coach, I noticed you have a very nice set, in my opinion, so-"

"What the hell, Maximoff?! Are you coming on to me?!"

"I meant a set of kidneys," Pietro said, a little confused, "Would you like to donate one?"

"If you need a kidney go ask your momma for one, Maximoff, I need both of mine!" Pietro walked out of the office and grabbed a towel.

--------------------

"HEY!" Fred yelled. He grabbed Kurt by the collar and held him against the vending machines. "YOU HAVE A KIDNEY DON'T YOU?!"

"Uh... yeah."

"Hand it over, punk!"

"Do you even know where ze kidneys are located?"

"No, and I don't care! Just hand it over and I'll let go!"

"But to get to my kidneys, you'd have to remove zem surgically, and-"

"Than that's just what I'll do!"

"Fred, you idiot!" Lance yelled, "We don't need fuzzy's kidneys. They're probably contaminated anyway." Fred held Kurt aside and punched through the plexiglass cover on the vending machine. He grabbed a couple of Snickers before shoving Kurt into the machine.

"Heh," Fred said to himself. He handed a Snickers to Lance and they walked off.

Suddenly, Pietro walked up to the vending machine. Noticing the unconscious Kurt inside and the trail of Snickers, he picked one up and put it on Kurt's shirt pocket.

"Not going anywhere for a while?"

--------------------

"Fresh lemonade!" Pietro yelled. "Only one kidney!"

Fred and Pietro has set up a lemonade stand outside the school. It wasn't much of a lemonade stand, just a desk from the school, a few cups from the cafeteria, and a pitcher of water with a lemon dropped into it. For some strange reason, Logan strolled by.

"Hey, lemonade!"

"Just one kidney a cup!"

"Does it have to be my kidney?"

"Uh... well... no, not really."

Logan popped a claw and motioned towards Pietro. "Alright. Turn around."

"It can't be our kidneys, either."

"Hmm... well, I'm pretty thirsty..."

"One kidney."

"...But I can always just walk a few more yards and grab a drink from the Institute." Logan withdrew his claws and walked off.

--------------------

Lance, Pietro and Fred walked into the Institute's infirmiry. Todd lay on the bed, with Professor Xavier and Jean at his side.

"Have you found a donor?" Xavier asked.

"No," Lance reluctantly said.

"Alright. Lance, please follow Jean."

"What? Me?!"

"Yes. Odd story, actually," Xavier explained. "The full extent of your mutation goes farther than your ability to control seismic activity. You were also born with an extra kidney, and several features that have yet to manifest."

"An extra... kidney?"

"Yes, and fortunately, it's compatible with Todd's anatomy. With Todd's heightened metabolism and accelerated cell division, the kidney has only a minimal chance of rejection."

"How does that affect anything?"

"It's fairly complicated, actually. We have no time for explanations. Please, walk this way."

--------------------

"Todd? Guys, he's coming to." Todd opened his eyes. His vision was a little blurry, but he could see a light overhead, and several people around him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Wha-?" Todd began to focus. Jean, Scott and Ororo surrounded him. "What? Is it over?"

"Yeah, it's over, Toad," Jean said. "It was a success. Lance is right here."

"Lance?" Todd looked to his right to see Lance, sitting up in his bed. Like Todd, he was hooked up to an IV. "Lance, how's it goin'?"

"Eh. I'm fine. I see you're okay. Hey, when can we get out of this place?"

"Well, you can leave today," Ororo said, "since the healing's almost finished."

"Great!" Lance yelled. He ripped out the IV and jumped off the bed. Todd followed suit and they both dashed out the doorway.

"Oh..." Ororo muttered. "See if you can stop them, the Professor wanted to speak to them."

Scott put on his visor and ran after them with Jean. Lance and Todd had reached the front lawn and headed for the main gate.

"Tolensky! Alvers! Wait up!"

"Summers!" Lance yelled. He turned around and quickly motioned his hand forward. Scott fell backwards as part of the ground flew up under him. Jean helped him back up, but Lance and Todd were gone.

--------------------

The Brotherhood had gathered in Ms. Darkholme's office to discuss what had happened. Or better put, to be berated.

"You idiots! You let them help you!! You LET them!"

"Not a total loss, Mystique," Lance said, holding up a disk. "I managed to swipe a copy of Cerebro's blueprints while they thought I was out."

Pietro looked up, surprised. "Whoa, hold up. How the hell did you do that?"

"Easy, I didn't try to avoid the cameras. Todd figured out the trick to infiltrating the Institute a while back."

"Yeah," Todd said. "If th' motion sensors pick you up but th' cameras don't, it automatically activates th' security systems," he explained, motioning guns with his hands. "If both of 'em see you, you're fine."

"I'm impressed," Pietro said, "You boneheads managed to turn your little predicament into a scheme."

"Yes, good work," Ms. Darkholme added, taking the disk and putting it in her drawer. "You'll be rewarded later. Get back to class, I'm expecting a visitor soon."

Lance, Todd, Pietro and Fred walked out, and closed the door behind them.

"So what's it like having some other guy's kidney?" Fred asked.

"Feels th' same. Thanks, man."

"Ah, forget it," Lance said. They walked down the hall to class.

**The End**

You know you like it.


	11. Curse of the Cobra

**The disclaimer is in Toad's room. Look for it, if you dare. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

It was a nice, foggy morning in Bayville. School hadn't yet started, but already several students were lined up in front of a bus. The X-Men, with the others, were prepared for a field trip, and being that they were a bunch of rich kids, they all had their own lunch, courtesy of the Xavier Institute.

"Aw, man..." Kurt said, pulling an apple out of his bag, "The Prof's still stressing ze diet..."

"That's nothin'," Rogue said, "I got a salad and an orange."

"I said I needed calcium, but this is ridiculous!"

"Dammit! I have a tuna sandwich! They know I hate tuna!"

"Like, can't you all just calm down?"

"Kitty's right, you should be thankful that they gave us healthy food."

But sack lunches never came without the usual bitching. The X-Men never seemed to appreciate how great their lives were. Even if they were mutant outcasts, they still lived in better conditions than most normal humans they knew, and still they had to find something to complain about. As they bickered, Lance, Fred, Pietro and Todd looked on.

"I don't see why we have to do this," Fred said, "I mean, those goodie-goodie dweebs had a choice."

"Yeah, but they have a kindly bald guy for a leader. We've got Mystique."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Curse of the Cobra"  
King of the Worthless**

Paul and Taryn were the first to enter, and immediately took the seats at the very back of the bus. After several other students filed in, the X-Men took some middle seats, and the Brotherhood entered last.

"Dammit!" Lance yelled. "All that's left is the front."

"We better get our seats back," Fred said. He led the others to the back, where Paul, Taryn, and a few others sat.

"Hey! You're in our spot!"

"I don't see your name on it, 'Freddy,'" Paul answered. Fred pointed to the spot next to Paul, where he had written "FRED" on the last field trip.

"Well, I still got here first."

"Look, prettyboy, these are our seats," Pietro said. "You better give them back before you mess you up good."

"I'm not afraid of you, Maximoff! I'm not afraid of any of you!"

"Hey, what's going on back here?" Jean asked, standing behind the Brotherhood. Lance immediately turned around with a raised fist.

"None of your business, Red. Just sit back down and stay out of this."

"You guys can't just go starting fights all the time! You have to learn to be peaceable."

The Brotherhood remained silent. Jean smiled slightly, knowing that she had made her point.

"I TOLD YOU TO GET LOST, PAUL!"

Make that thinking. Fred pulled Paul to his feet and dumped him into another seat. Pietro sat down in his place. Taryn and her friend Craig looked at him.

"What's wrong, good looking? Afraid I'll move in too quickly?" Taryn and Craig stood up and joined Paul. Lance and Fred took their place, and Todd sat in the space between Pietro and Fred.

"Ok, we have that settled," Lance said. "Now, what do we have for lunch?" Fred happily held up the cooler that he had brought on board. He and Todd began to look through it.

"Oreos, chips, soda... you sure know how to pack a meal, Freddy."

"I consider myself an expert. I brought some extra change, in case they have vending machines."

"Speaking of which, where ARE we going?" Pietro asked.

"Hell if I know," Todd replied. "Mystique said it had somethin' to do with animals."

"Oh no... not the zoo! It better not be the zoo! Hey! Bus driver! Stop this thing! I wanna get off! I wanna get off!"

"Pietro settle down," Lance said. "It's a zoo. With animals. Just calm down."

"But... but... you guys don't understand!"

"We understand," Todd said. "You're scared of th' big bad lions. Hope you packed an extra diaper, Petey!" Pietro promptly slapped Todd at lightning speed.

"It's not that, it's the reptile exhibit they have, the one from New York that's touring the country..."

"What, afraid to see some old friends?" Lance asked. Pietro promptly slapped Lance at lightning speed.

"They'll be glad to see you!" Fred yelled. Pietro promptly... kept his hands to himself.

--------------------

"I'm still a little surprised that they'd let a high school take a field trip to the zoo," Lance said. "Besides the annoyed parents, we're the only people here above four feet. Except maybe Toad."

"I'll have you know I'm no shorter than five two!"

"Whatever. Hey, where'd Pietro go?"

As the Brotherhood looked around, Pietro sat in the bathroom, nervously chanting to himself.

"It will not hurt you... it will not hurt you... you're Quicksilver... you're too fast for him... you can even outrun the cheetah... it will not hurt you..."

"Uh... kid?" A janitor knocked on the stall door. "You ok?"

"I... uh... had a bad burrito this morning."

"Ah. Yeah. Happens to me too often. Here." The janitor's arm reached over the stall door. "When I get stomach problems, I take Pepto-Bismol!"

"Uh... no, I'm quite fine."

"Pepto-Bismol works for heartburn, indigestion, stomachaches, upset stomaches, it beats all competitors by-"

"Hey!" Pietro rushed out of the stall and shoved the janitor against the wall. "I'm not sick! I had a traumatic experience at a zoo and I was sent her by a bitchy blue lady just to spite me, now fuck off before I shove that bottle up your ass!"

"You know, Pietro, you really need to control that temper of yours."

"How did you know my name?!" The janitor morphed into the bitchy blue lady Pietro knew so well.

"I sent you here for a reason, Pietro. You have to learn to overcome your weaknesses or your enemies will exploit them. Go meet back with the others, and we'll discuss your attitude towards me when you return to the school." Mystique morphed into a zookeeper and walked out.

--------------------

"Hey, where'd everyone else go?" Fred asked. The Brotherhood looked around, but found that the rest of their class was gone.

"Who cares? Let's go do something else," Lance said.

"Hey!" Todd yelled. "It's fuzzy!" Todd pointed to the monkey exhibit where Kurt hung from a tree, holding a banana.

"Quiet, Toad! You'll blow my cover!"

"What cover? You're still wearin' clothes and all, and ain't nobody ever seen a blue monkey before." A tourist and her son stood next to Todd. The child pointed at Kurt.

"Mommy! Mommy! That monkey's wearing clothes!"

"How adorable! Let's go for some ice cream, Tommy!" The tourist picked her son up and walked off as the Brotherhood stared.

"You're still a monkey," Fred commented, and they walked away. As they continued through the zoo, Pietro appeared next to Fred with a bag of animal crackers.

"Whoa. Where've you been?"

"Uh... I was looking at the penguins..."

"Ok. We're going to see the lizards. You comin'?"

"Uh... lizards? I... well..."

"Don't be such a wuss, Pietro," Lance said. "They keep them behind glass, and with Toad around, they'll be glad they do."

"Well... I... I guess..." The Brotherhood walked towards the reptile exhibit with Pietro nervously following.

--------------------

Fred stared into the eyes of an anaconda, trapped behind a large glass panel. The anaconda made no movements, nor did Fred. Despite the massive snake's iron will, Fred was determined to outwit it.

"Fred, what are you doing?" Lance asked.

"Quiet. He'll crack any minute."

"Uh... Fred..."

"I said quiet!"

"Ah, forget it." Lance crossed his arms and looked at a chameleon, who was having a contest of its own with Todd. The chameleon flicked its tongue out, and then Todd. Then the chameleon flicked its tongue out faster than before, and then Todd improved on his own flicking speed. After a few seconds Lance became bored and looked at a pair of cobras along with Pietro.

Pietro stared at one of the red-scaled cobras, who looked at him with a rat's tail protruding from his mouth. He slurped it up and slithered closer to the glass.

"Hey there... Mr. Cobra... I know we got off on the wrong foot a few years ago..."

"Hisssssssssss..."

"But... I'm really sorry about what happened before... I didn't mean it... just don't try to bite me..."

"Hisssssssssssssssssss..."

"Please?"

"Pietro, settle down. It's behind glass. It's not going to come out and-" Suddenly, the cobra broke through the glass and somehow lunged at Pietro. He quickly ran behind Lance while the cobra slithered towards them.

"This happened last time I visited this exhibit!" Pietro yelled. "Back in New York!"

"What did you do, dangle a stunned rat in front of it?"

"Actually, yes, but I never gave it the rat, and now it wants revenge!" The cobra reared its head back and displayed its fangs menacingly. Suddenly, it was gone.

"Huh?"

"Where'd it go?"

"Fred, Toad, did you guys see..." Pietro stopped when he saw a long, scaly tail coming from Todd's mouth. It wiggled for a few seconds, but then stopped, and Todd swallowed.

"Toad! You ate the vengeful cobra! You saved my life!"

"Wha? When?"

"Toad, you're the best friend a guy could have! If it weren't for you, I'd be twitching on the floor while it slowly attempted to swallow me whole despite my size!" Pietro hugged Todd tightly and held on for several seconds.

"Pietro! Pietro! What are you doing?! Get him off!! GET HIM OFF!!" Pietro let go and Todd ran behind Fred.

"Well, I've overcome my fear of vengeful cobras. Mystique will be proud!"

"Yeah, that's great, Pietro," Fred said, "But don't you think someone will notice the snake's gone?"

"Fred, you're right..." Pietro looked towards the exhibit's entrance and saw the X-Men looking at a gila monster. "Hmm..."

--------------------

The students filed back into the bus, taking the same seats. Paul considered sitting in the back, but he decided against it when he saw Fred walking towards his seat.

As the Brotherhood took their seats, the X-Men got on the bus, ruffled and beaten. Pietro snickered as Evan sat down, rubbing his side.

"That was an ingenius plan, Pietro," Todd said, "But did you have to make me cough the snake up?"

"Hey, you got to keep the head and some of the venom, didn't you?"

"Venom?" Kent got on the bus and made his way to the back of the bus. He pushed Todd aside and sat down next to Pietro.

"Good work, Quicksilver, but there is a loose end you left unresolved."

"Yeah? What?"

"The snake that Toad disposed of had a different hood pattern than the one that had a vendetta against you."

"You mean...?"

"You killed the wrong snake. But now you have overcome your fear of cobras, so it makes no difference."

"Right... overcome... fear..." As the bus drove off, a red cobra sat on the bumper, flicking its tongue out and sneering.

**The End**

No cobras were harmed in the making of this fanfiction, though several Bothans died to bring us this fanfiction.


	12. Scholastic Revolt

**The disclaimer is huddling in the corner after Bob Dole broke into his house and stole his cake. This is the third installment of the "Elections" series. Let me bring you up to speed: Lance and Scott competed for the title of Student Council President in "Elections", and Lance won, right after finding out just what the job entitled him to. Then, Lance got Fred, Pietro and Todd into student council and together they pulled off a terrible play based on a Star Wars film, in order to keep the money that was supposed to fund it (guess which movie that's based on)... **

**UPDATE: the story "President Alvers," which tells of this play, has been lost. Oh well, it sucked anyway. **

**Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

"This meeting of the Bayville High Student Council is now in session," Duncan Matthews said. Student Council met in the library afterschool, for lack of a proper room. The assembled members included Paul, Taryn, Duncan Matthews, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Kurt Wagner, Pietro Maximoff, Todd Tolensky and Fred Dukes.

"All rise for Council President Lance Alvers," Duncan said. Lance stood up and stood at the head of the table.

"You're too kind," Lance announced, "First on the agenda, we've got a crisis on our hands. Homecoming is next week, and we need to fix up the auditorium for the dance. Now, before we... what, Jean?"

"Why are we holding the dance in the auditorium?"

"Well, Jean, I'd offer to hold it at my house, but seeing as it's trashed, that's a negative. We were going to use the cafeteria, but Fred's coming, so we can't take any chan-"

"Hey!"

"Right then. Next on the agenda, we... oh, right, we're still on the first subject..."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Scholastic Revolt"  
King of the Worthless**

"Alright, how much is left in the treasury, Bluebo-er, Kurt?"

"Just three hundred dollars, Lance."

"Three hundred? The Student Council President will now confer with his cabinet." Lance, Fred, Todd and Pietro huddled. They all sniffed the air and then pushed Todd a bit further away.

"Three hundred bucks, guys! That'll have us set for two months!"

"Yeah, but we can't ignore the school, they know where we live," Pietro reminded them.

"Right, so we'll uses a few bucks on the dance and keep the rest!"

"Right, but how do we cheat these doofs outta the cash?" Todd asked.

"That's why we're huddled. Any ideas?"

"Yeah," Fred said, "we tell them to let us keep it or else!"

"No, we get everyone to look somewhere else, an' then we swipe th' dough!"

"Now that's just stupid. How about I run by and snatch it before anyone notices?"

"No, I've got a better plan," Lance finally said. "We stall today, leaving the subject in the air. Before the next meeting, we sneak in and take all the money. Next meeting, we find it mysteriously gone, and in a display of goodwill despite our crappy financial status, we provide some money from 'our own pockets,' become the heroes and keep the rest of the money."

"I liked my idea better," Fred said. They returned to their seats and Lance took his place.

"Alright, the cabinet has decided that we will use the money to pay for a laser-light show."

"A light show?" Duncan questioned. "Why don't we spend some of the money on hiring a good local band and give the rest to charity?" As he suggested the option, he casually smiled at Jean.

"I object!" Fred yelled. "We don't need a local band! Lance, Pietro, Toad and I can play!"

"No," Pietro said, "we can't, dumbass, our instruments got repossessed, remember?"

"I have a better idea," Todd said. "We can hire a stock band, and get some fog machines and some extra lightin' fixtures to set th' mood."

"I like that idea," Paul said. "It'll make it better than last year's."

"Yeah, when that loser Scott was president," Duncan said. Lance sighed, still wishing that Scott had been elected. Quickly, he remembered that if Scott had been elected, he wouldn't have had the chance for the money.

"Oh, I'm sure Summers wasn't too bad," he said, casually glancing at Kitty, "but it's our duty to outdo the previous year. However, the lights might be out of our range, and fog machines can be a bit pricey."

"How about we get some dry ice instead?" Kitty suggested.

"Zat's a great idea, Kitty!" Kurt said. Lance sneered.

"Yeah, it's a good idea, but how about if we get some really nice balloons, and a disco ball?"

"That's what we had last year, Alvers!" Duncan yelled.

"What did you say?"

"I mean, 'that's what we had last year, President Alvers.'"

"That's better. Now, we're out of time for today, so as final order of business, we'll put this subject at top priority at the next meeting. Alright, this meeting is over."

"No," Duncan said, "You're supposed to say 'meeting a-"

"I said this meeting is over." Lance walked out of the library, followed by Pietro, Todd and Fred.

--------------------

Lance looked at his watch. He was waiting outside the Institute, leaning next to the jeep. He had asked Kitty to go with him to get something to eat, and oddly enough, she had agreed. He was half-lying when he offered; he had only asked so that Kitty wouldn't be suspicious. If someone were planning something that night, why would he ask you out? In any case, he was sure he'd return in time for the mission, but just in case he told the others to go ahead without him if he didn't.

"Hey there, Lance," Scott said, walking outside.

"Uh... hey."

"I see you still have that reliable jeep of yours."

"Yeah... it's pretty reliable."

"So how are your powers? Still good?"

"Uh... yeah."

"Mine are still tough to deal with. Just today, I tried to clean off my shades, but I couldn't find my visor. Haha, that was a mess."

"Uh, yeah, listen, the big brother-uncomfortable-intimidating-smalltalk?"

"Yeah?"

"It's not working. Better luck next time."

"Damn." Scott walked back in. Kitty phased through the door.

"Hi, Lance! Ready to go?"

"Yeah. You look great!" Kitty wasn't wearing anything exceptionally special, but flattery never hurt. They got in the jeep and rode off.

--------------------

"Yo, check this out!" Toad said. Blob and Quicksilver stood behind a wall at Bayville High while Toad crouched in the grass nearby. He picked something up and hopped over to them.

"Look, it's my pet toad, Todd Junior!"

"Forget it, Toad, it's been done," Pietro said. Suddenly, the ground shook. It stopped, then shook again. "Ah, that's the signal. He's not gonna make it, so let's go over our instructions."

Blob pulled a small map out of his pocket and laid it on the ground. Quicksilver picked up a twig to use as a pointer.

"Alright, we're right here, on this side of the building, as noted here. The library is at the opposite end. Now, we'll split up. I'll circle the perimeter and keep guard while the two of you get in and take the money. Toad, you'll sneak in through the vent shaft, there's a grating on the roof. Blob, you'll... uh..."

"Aw, don't tell me Lance didn't leave anything for me to do!"

"He said that your job was up to us. Okay, okay, how about this. Blob, you're on watch duty. Toad sneaks in and I... dammit, now I don't have anything to do."

"Yo, gimme that stick, I'll show you how a genius plans this. Alright, Blob, you stick around out here and watch out for anyone. I'll jump up to th' roof with Quicksilver, and he'll run inside and snatch the cash. Sound good?"

"Okay, whatever. We've only got two radios with us, so I'll take one, and Toad keeps the other."

"Hey, what about me? I've gotta warn you guys."

"Oh, right. Okay, Blob gets one, I keep the other one. All set, let's move out!"

--------------------

"Don't you get bored of hanging out with those yuppies?" Lance asked before taking a sip of his soda. He sat in a booth with Kitty at a pizza parlor.

"Well, don't you get bored of hanging out with those creeps?"

"Aw, the guys aren't so bad, if you can get used to them. Though, Toad keeps taking my food."

"Yeah? Well, Kurt clogs the shower."

"Oh, you think that's bad? Fred crashed through the floor last week, so now we have a hole in the dining room ceiling."

"Sometimes Scott's glasses fall off in his sleep, and everyone ends up getting up at the same time those days."

"Pietro listens to Blink 182."

"Okay, that's going to be hard to top... uh... I share a room with Rogue."

"Oh, I haven't even begun yet. Toad's on a dry streak, seven consecutive weeks without a shower."

"Whoa. Okay, you've got me."

--------------------

Quicksilver dashed through the empty Bayville halls, holding his radio.

"Blob to Quicksilver!" the radio chirped. "I see something on the roof!"

"That's Toad, Blob!"

"Oh. Okay, nevermind." Quicksilver ran into the library and into the librarian's office. He looked inside the cabinet and pulled out a locked box, which he knew was the money.

"Quicksilver here, I've got the cash, guys."

"Good, because we don't have any time to waste."

"What are you talking about? Don't tell me you want to go to bed early for school tomorrow?"

"Uh, no, the geeks are here."

"What?! When did they get here?!"

"Uh, a few minutes ago. Toad's stalling, so you better hurry."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"You said it was just Toad, but it turn out to be them."

"Argh... fine, get Toad and leave, I'll catch up with you." Quicksilver tucked the box under his arm and ran down the hallway. A red beam shot past his right side, and then his left side. When it shot by a third time, Quicksilver cleverly rolled on the ground to avoid it, then got up and turned down another hallway. Suddenly he stopped, just before he was swiped with a set of bone spikes. Quickly, he jumped out one of the windows and sped away.

--------------------

The next day, the Student Council meeting was already underway. However, rather than discussing how to spend the money, they discussed what had happened to it, right according to plan.

"Vell, as treasurer, it's my duty to keep track of it," Kurt said, "and vhat happened was that Pietro and his pals snuck in and stole it!"

"What?! Why would we do that, Wagner?! You think just because we've got some economic troubles that we'd resort to petty theft to get by?!"

"For all I know you creeps used it to buy drugs!"

"Order! Order!" Lance yelled. "Alright, look. We don't have the money. If we did, we would've blown it all by now, but the fact of the matter is that someone DID steal it, but we don't have time to hunt them down. Right now, we've got to get this whole dance deal behind us, and then we'll see what happened to the money."

"We know you have it, THIEF!" Jean said. "We saw you take it!"

"How could you have seen us if we weren't here? If anything, you must've caught a glimpse of the real thieves and just assumed that it was us! And what were you DOING here, anyway? Maybe YOU were planning to take the money, but when someone beat you to it, you decided to play the heroes and blame us!"

"Okay, look," Paul said, "How about we all pitch in and pay for the dance ourselves?"

"As President, I take full responsibility. The guys and I will pay for this with what we can."

"And now you're trying to ease your guilt, THIEF!" Kurt yelled.

"We'll donate what we can," Lance said, ignoring him, "and we'll discuss this tomorrow. This meeting is..."

"How many times have I told you, you're supposed to say-"

"And how many times have I told you to shut up?! This meeting is over!"

--------------------

"Alright, the bills have been paid," Lance said, as the Brotherhood gathered in the living room. "Now, that leaves us sixty bucks. How much of this are we going to use for the dance?"

"Two bucks, because that's all we had to begin with," Pietro said.

"No, it's gotta be more realistic."

"Spend it all," Tabitha said on her way to the kitchen.

"Yeah, what else are we gonna spend it on?" Fred added.

"Alright, we'll spend sixty bucks on the dance. Then we find some sucker on the street and mug him for his cash."

"They're in there!" a voice from outside yelled. They all ran to the window to see what was going on. Outside, the X-Men, along with the rest of Student Council and several other students gathered, carrying bats and assorted sharp objects. Kurt even held a torch.

"What's going on here?" Lance asked as they walked outside.

"Kurt showed us photographs of your pals sneaking into the school last night, THIEF!" Duncan yelled.

"What? How could he, we weren't there!" Pietro yelled.

"Yeah, if you've got pics, why don't you show 'em to us?" Everyone turned to Kurt, who gulped and stepped back. "Yeah, just as I thought, foo."

"Thank you for wasting our time," Lance said, "I'll see you all again tomorrow." The Brotherhood stepped back inside as the mob turned to Kurt.

"You said they'd give in and confess if we threatened them with evidence!" Paul yelled.

"Yes well... zey have an iron will! Ta ta!" Kurt quickly ran off. The mob started to chase after him, but they were all lazy bastards and just decided to go home.

--------------------

The following day, Lance and Pietro showed up at school. Todd and Fred were still at home, but they'd arrive later.

"How much did you say sixty bucks would cover, Pietro?"

"A clown and a few balloons for two hours. If we're lucky, we can cheat some local band into playing and ditch them when it's time to pay."

"Oh well, not like we're going anyway... hey, what's going on?" Inside, the lockers were all sprayed with the words 'Trust No One.' The halls were completely empty.

"I thought Toad stayed home?" Pietro said.

"This is just weird. I wonder what happened here? Who'd tag the lockers? Where is everyone? Very strange... ah well, let's go slash some tires."

"No... don't go!"

"What? Why not, Pietro?"

"Huh? I didn't say anything," Pietro said. They turned around to see Principal Kelly crawling out of a classroom. He was beaten and bruised, and his glasses were broken.

"So what happened here, Kelly?"

"The students... revolted. They're... holding the faculty in the auditorium... I managed to escape..." Kelly then fainted from exhaustion. Lance and Pietro exchanged apathetic glances.

"Okay, let's go slash some tires."

"No... don't go!"

"Oh, not this again!" Mr. Maltin limped out of a different classroom, holding his bleeding left arm. He fell to his knees right by Kelly.

"The students... revolted! Holding... faculty... auditorium... I barely... escaped..." Mr. Maltin then fell over. Lance and Pietro started to walk out.

"No... don't go!" Mrs. McGhee said. "The students... revolted!"

"Okay, look, if we help you out will you leave us alone?"

"Holding the faculty... okay." Mrs. McGhee fell down right next to Mr. Maltin.

--------------------

Lance and Pietro walked into the auditorium, which was marked by several instances of the phrases 'Trust No One' and 'We Rule Ourselves.' Onstage, torches were being held by several students. Several teachers were hanging from the rafters. Not by their necks, but tied at the waist. 

"What's going on here?" Lance asked.

"Hello, THIEF!" Duncan yelled. The students all turned to face Lance and Pietro. Their faces were covered in war paint.

"Hey, why'd you guys go Lord of the Flies on us?" Pietro asked. Suddenly, the X-Men burst in, in full uniform, followed by Blob.

"What are you geeks doing here? Oh, hey Fred." 

"We came to put an end to this!" Cyclops yelled. "And just so you know, this wouldn't have happened if I were president, THIEF."

"You're still with that?!"

"Yeah, and you know what else, THIEF? If you hadn't stolen the money, this wouldn't have happened, either!"

"Okay, we don't have time to argue!" Jean yelled. Pietro had already begun to take several students down. Nightcrawler was also on-stage, trying to free the teachers while Blob rushed to catch them.

"Hey! Stay back!" Duncan yelled. "We have greater numbers!" Several more students rushed through the doors, screaming random war cries. One girl was screaming 'POPEYE'S REVEEEEEENGE.'

"Nightcrawler and Blob have the rescue covered, and Quicksilver's providing cover," Cyclops said. "That leaves the rest of us to hold these people back."

"Hey, I don't remember being a part of this team," Lance said.

"No time to argue, THIEF. Besides, your whole team's not here." Lance groaned and started to turn the ground up in order to create a barrier. Likewise, Spyke was creating bars using his spikes. Reluctantly, Cyclops had to use his optic blasts to hold them back.

"No more!" Duncan yelled. "You're no match for us!"

"It's not like that, Duncan!" Jean yelled. "Mutants and normal people can coexist peacefully!"

"Mutants? What are you talking about?"

"Mutants are people who can do extraordinary things-"

"Oh, that? That's not what this is about! This is about the money! You said that Lance took it! Lance said that he didn't! Maybe you mutants can understand this, but we can't!"

"So you revolted just because you were confused?"

"Yes! You may have gotten the teachers out, but here's where it all ends!" The crowd of students plowed through both the spike cage and the concrete barrier using battering rams. The X-Men and the Brotherhood all backed away, slowly making their way to the stage.

"Okay, what now, Summers? What's your great plan?"

"Well, THIEF, there's only one thing left to do... bring the building down while the rest of us escape."

"What?! No fucking way!"

"Okay, then, President THIEF, if you're so smart, you come up with something."

"How about I do th' thinkin' for you instead!" Todd appeared out of nowhere, holding a knife against a man's throat. But this was no ordinary man.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S DAVE MATTHEWS!" Duncan yelled. The crowd gasped in shock.

"Haha, that's right, yo! If y'all don't go back off, Dave's gettin' it!" Immediately, everyone shuffled out of the auditorium, and only the mutants and the hapless Dave were left.

"Thanks, yo," Todd said. He dropped the plastic knife and let Dave go.

"Yeah, yeah... now when can I get back to my house?"

"When you give us enough money to pay our bills for another year," Lance said. Fred stepped behind Dave to safeguard against escape. Dave nervously smiled.

--------------------

"This meeting of the Bayville High Student Council is now in session," Duncan Matthews said. Student Council met in the library afterschool, for lack of a proper room. The assembled members included Paul, Taryn, Duncan Matthews, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Kurt Wagner, Pietro Maximoff, Todd Tolensky and Fred Dukes. Also, Professor Xavier, Logan and Scott were there.

"All rise for Council President Lance Alvers," Duncan said. Lance stood up and stood at the head of the table.

"You're too kind," Lance announced, "First on the agenda, we've got the same crisis on our hands. Homecoming is next week, and we need to fix up the auditorium for the dance. Now, before we begin, let me remind you that we still don't have any money in the treasury, meaning that it will caused the president, which is me, a lot of trouble. In addition, the school's in a wreck and half the faculty's beat up. Now, before we go any further, I'd like to thank Professor Xavier for mindwiping you all, and I shouldn't have said that... Professor?"

"You have to be more careful, Lance." The Professor concentrated for a moment, then sat back.

"Alright. Now, before we go any further, we will vote someone out. Today, we'll be voting Vice President Jean Grey out. All in favor?"

"..."

"All opposed?"

"Me."

"Nice try, Jean. Bye! Now, I wish to appoint Scott Summers to the position of Vice President."

"Wow... you mean it, Lance?"

"Yeah, Summers. If anything happens to me, there's nobody I trust more to cover for me than you. Now that we have a new Vice President, I am announcing my resignation, effective immediately."

"What?! You're going to leave this mess to me?!"

"Haha, see you later, Summers!"

**The End**

Well, that's that. In case you're wondering, "THIEF" is a Zelda reference. But you already knew that.


	13. Expressionism

**Where's the disclaimer? Quicksilver ran off with it. That fiend! This seems like an innocent, semi-humorous story at first, but look closely. That's right, it's Solano-fic with Deeper Meaning (tm). Ok, not TOO deep, but some (actually, I estimate the vast majority) of you will miss it completely.**

Yes, I am in an advanced art class (Painting III, woo fucking hoo), and I can honestly say that I've described the basic idea of art classes perfectly. The teacher is even based on my own former-hippie art teacher, and this entire story was based on a similar event (only the prize was $1,000 and no rival mutants were involved, and of course the Deeper Meaning [tm was not part of the actual event). Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Advanced Art. A classroom filled with talented artists... wait, no, only a few actual talented artists in the room. Almost everyone was there because they were good at following orders.

This particular class was a little different, though. It only had thirteen students, which included Todd Tolensky, Fred Dukes, Kitty Pryde, and Kurt Wagner.

"Ok, class. Today, we embark on a new journey," Mrs. McGhee said, "Today, we free our souls and express ourselves."

"Mrs. McGhee," Kitty asked, "How is that different from any other project?"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Expressionism"  
King of the Worthless**

"Well, my little kitten," Mrs. McGhee said, "Today, you get to choose the subject matter and the medium! You are free from the restraints of schedules and routines!"

"Can we do clay?" Fred asked.

"Why yes, Freddy, I have boxes full of clay that you are free to use." Mrs. McGhee had a habit of calling everyone by a pet name. This was the exact reason Pietro didn't sign up.

"Now, you all know where the supplies are, you are free to work!" Fred and Todd walked into the storage room.

"Why'd you choose clay?"

"'Cause then I can throw some at the geeks. Besides, I'd rather work with my hands then move around some tiny brush. What are you doing?"

"I think I'm goin' with a landscape. Not sure what, though. I guess I'll use acrylics."

"I think you're better off using tempera, acrylic can get too thick, plus tempera washes out more easily."

"Well, yeah, but in the end, it gives a sloppier, more amateurish look." Both paused before realizing that they were having an almost intelligent conversation. Todd grabbed a canvas and a basket full of acrylic bottles and walked out, followed by Fred toting a few boxes of clay.

As luck would have it, they were seated across from Kurt and Kitty. This often fueled competition between the four, and the winners usually alternated.

"Oh, and just a reminder, these pieces will be displayed at the Bayville Museum in a special student works exhibit," Mrs. McGhee said. "There will be a contest, and the grand prize is a trip to Hawaii for four and four thousand dollars."

"Y'hear that, Todd? If I win I can take three friends with me!"

"Yeah, me, Lance and Pietro, right?"

"Who?"

In a bizarre mirror-move, Kitty chose acrylic paint and Kurt chose clay.

"Hey, they-"

"You!"

"That was my idea!"

And it happens again.

--------------------

Fred sat in the library, looking through several books, some on animals, some on historical figures. When Fred set himself out to do something, nothing could turn him around.

"Hey, Fred!" Lance yelled. He walked into the library and sat down next to him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Studying for an art project, there's a trip for four to Hawaii in it for me!"

"And you'll take us, right?"

"Who's 'us'?"

"You must be pretty focused on this. It's lunch and you forgot that it's sloppy joe day."

"WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me?! I... no! I have to stay and do this!"

"Suit yourself. Hey, a book on reptiles!" Lance flipped through the book. "Hey, decided on your... uh... subject yet?"

"No, why?"

"Here! Do a horny toad!"

"Horny to-" Fred and Lance took a quick look out the window, where Todd was ogling a cheerleader, who slapped him as soon as she noticed.

"Maybe it's a new power or something," Lance said. "Anyway, do a horny toad."

"Eh, can't be too hard, right?"

"Yeah, it's just a spiky lizard."

"Wait, look at this... a snake. Snakes are easier!"

--------------------

It was a nice Sunday afternoon, and the Brotherhood had decided to go to the outskirts of Bayville, where few signs of civilization persisted. In the distance, Bayville could be seen, but otherwise, there was nothing but wild landscape.

The operative word being "landscape" of course.

Todd sat on the roof of Fred's pickup with his sketchbook and a pencil. Fred sat in the bed of the truck, talking to Pietro about something, and Lance leaned against the truck, sipping a beer. The truck itself was at the top of a cliff along a hill, covered in rocks.

"Yeah... kinda makes you think," Pietro said.

"About what?" Fred asked.

"About everything. Who are we? Why are we here? Where are we-"

"Shut up, Pietro!" Lance yelled. He hated it when his friends turned the discussion into philosophy, especially when it wasn't an original idea that he hadn't been told to think about a dozen times. "Toad, how's the sketch coming along?"

"Eh, I'm almost done."

"Good. All this nature's getting to me. I can't stand being around so many rocks without making them crumble."

"Yeah, I think I'm ready to smash something, too," Fred added. Todd hopped down from his spot and tucked his sketchbook under his arm.

"Alright, I'm ready. What now?"

"Well, we could try something new, like the carnival," Pietro suggested.

"Nah, bad memories," Fred said.

"Er... ok, how about the zoo?"

"Th' amphibian exhibit offends me," Todd said.

"Ok, how about the observatory?"

"We don't need telescopes and high admission prices to look at stars," Lance said.

"Ok... how about we just go rent movies and order a pizza?"

"Can't," Fred said. "Lance lost his Blockbuster card."

"Uh... how about we just go get a burger?"

"Ok."

"Sure."

"Fine by me."

--------------------

Mrs. McGhee walked around the room, looking at her students' various pieces. 

"Lovely turtle, Travis!"

"...It's a cactus, Mrs. McGhee."

"Oh that hat is a nice touch on that old lady, Samantha!"

"It's a self-portrait!"

"Frank, that two-headed monster is looking quite good!"

"Two-headed monster?! It's a racecar!!"

The comments were usually never appreciated. She walked over to Kurt and Kitty's table and watched as they worked on their assignments.

"And what are you making, Kurtty?"

"Please don't call me that, Mrs. McGhee." Kurt was making a crouching tiger, adding the facial details with his three-fingered hands. Fortunately, nobody ever noticed that his fingers left two fingerprints instead of four.

"Oh, it's a tiger! You see that, my little kitten, it's a Kitty! Oh, I crack myself up!" Mrs. McGhee walked off to pester someone else.

"Kurt, do you ever, like, feel the need to slap someone in the face?"

"All ze time, Kitty. All ze time." Kurt looked up to see a ball of clay hit him in the forehead. He looked over to see Fred smiling innocently. Mrs. McGhee made her way to Fred and Todd's table and began to observe their work.

"Ah, a... snake, Freddy. Why did you choose a snake?"

"Because it was easy."

"Good job, Freddy. Todd-Todd..." Todd groaned. Fred tried to hold back his laughter. Todd looked up to see Kitty snickering. He tried not to look too embarrassed.

"Are you painting a landscape?"

"Uh... yeah. It's the outskirts of Bayville."

"Well, good for you." Mrs. McGhee walked off. Todd continued painting while Fred and Kurt exchanged clayballs.

"Todd, you wanna help out here?"

"Can't. Busy winning trip to Hawaii." Todd looked up to see Kitty working on her own painting. She seemed to be as determined to win that trip as he was, and based on her previous work, he was pretty sure that she'd be his main competitor. He knew that he and his friends deserved that trip more than those goody rich kids, but he had a feeling they'd win anyway. They always won. But then again, Todd thought to himself, Kitty had a beautiful smile. A trip to Hawaii would certainly make her happy...

"Todd," Fred called.

Todd snapped back into reality and looked around. "Huh? What?"

"Todd, you've had a ball of clay on your forehead for about ten minutes."

"Wha?!" Todd removed the ball of clay and looked around. Everybody was too busy with their own work to pay attention. He pulled his head back and spat a glob of slime at Kurt's sculpture.

"Hey!" Kurt yelled. "Toad, how long does it take for zis stuff to harden?!"

"Hell if I know, I just spit it."

"Argh..." Kurt watched as the slime solidified, sticking to the clay. Now he had a big, green solid glob glued onto his sculpture. He pulled it off, but with it came a large chunk of his sculpture. He decided that he might as well start over.

--------------------

"Toad!" Kurt yelled after class. Todd turned around to see the angry German mutant. Todd was on his way to lunch with Fred, and of course Kurt was accompanied by Kitty.

"Yeah, what?" Kurt grabbed Todd by the collar and slammed him against the wall.

"Vhy did you do that?!"

"Do what?!"

"Ruin my sculpture!"

"Cause I felt like it, blueboy, now let go!"

"You have any idea how hard I've vorked on that?"

"No, and I don't care!" Kurt was a little surprised. Normally, Todd would cower and try to hop away when in this situation, especially if two of the X-Men were questioning him.

"Hey!" Fred yelled. He grabbed Kurt by the back of the shirt and threw him across the hallway. Kitty ran over to him as Todd stood back up.

"Hey, Freddy's got my back, yo." Fred and Todd exchanged quick high-fives as Kitty helped Kurt to his feet.

"So zhat's how you vant to play?" Kurt teleported behind Fred and pushed him with all his might. Fred obviously didn't budge. Todd kicked Kurt out of the way and hopped over to him.

"You wanna take this up a few notches, blueboy?" Kurt pushed Todd off and Kitty ran through Fred and punched Todd in the stomach. A weak punch, but a punch nonetheless.

"What is going on here?" Ms. Darkholme asked. She stood at the end of the hallway as the four mutants turned around. "Mr. Wagner, Ms. Pryde, I'll see you in my office, now!"

Kurt and Kitty trudged off to Ms. Darkholme's office, but she stood in front of her recruits.

"What do you two think you're doing? You are not to fight with them on-campus, and you are not to hurt Mr. Wagner, is that clear?"

"He started it!"

"No buts, Mr. Tolensky!"

"But why are you sending her, too? It was-"

"What did you say?" Ms. Darkholme sternly asked.

"I... nothing."

"That's better. We can't risk exposing ourselves. I don't want this to happen again." Ms. Darkholme walked after the two X-Men. Todd and Fred shrugged and headed to the cafeteria.

--------------------

"Kurt, I've told you before, don't fight unless they start it!"

"Yes, Jean..." Kurt was stuck listening to one of Jean's luctures as the X-Men ate lunch together. Apparently, this wasn't the first time Kurt had lashed out at one of the Brotherhood members. The others admitted that it was hard to maintain their cool, but more often then not, they managed to avoid conflict.

Meanwhile, at the table next to them, the Brotherhood ate their own lunch and discussed the fight.

"I guess she's right," Pietro said. "We can't do crap right now."

"Glad you actually stood up for yourself, Toad," Lance said. "Even if it was just because Fred was with you. But still."

"Eh." Todd continued eating his Twix. He looked over at the X-Men's table. "Blueboy and Kitty. They're our competition."

"Looks like you've got some specific vendetta," Pietro said.

"Yeah, there's a trip to Hawaii at stake," Fred said. "Whoever has the best artwork gets to take three friends!"

"Lance, Toad and I, right?"

"Uh..."

"Anyway, I've got a plan," Pietro explained. "We'll sabotage the other entries. Did your teacher say where they'd be displayed?"

"The art musem downtown, this Sunday," Todd said.

"Alright. We'll just sneak in and have ourselves some fun!" The others nodded in agreement. "Ok, good. I'll think of the details later. Do your best, guys!"

--------------------

Four days passed, and finally, Saturday arrived. The pieces had already been put on display, ready for the exhibit to open the next day.

"This is Fast-Metal," Quicksilver said over his radio.

"Fast-Metal?" Avalanche asked through the radio.

"Yeah. Fast-Metal is my codename, Landslide."

"Landslide? I'm Avalanche, you moron!"

"Shh! You'll blow our cover!"

"Why do we need code-codenames?! Why do you think we have codenames in the first place, dumbass?"

"Right... I'm inside. I've taken care of the guards and deactivated the security systems. Let the fun begin!"

Avalanche opened the door and walked in, followed by Blob and Toad. They saw the green-clad Quicksilver standing near the Bayville High exhibit. The exhibit itself was rather bland, with some sculptures in cases, a few paintings on the wall, and a simple "Bayville High- Student Art" banner on the wall.

"Ok, the snake sculpture's mine," Blob said. "The mountain landscape is Toad's."

"Now to trash the rest!" Avalanche said. He grabbed an abstract painting and threw it like a frisbee, and like a frisbee, it was caught.

"No time for games, Avalanche!" Cyclops said, holding the painting. He stood at the entrance with Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, and Rogue.

"Oh, surely you have time for a quick game of catch!" Quicksilver yelled. He grabbed two sculptures and quickly threw them at the X-Men. One of them shattered against the wall, but the other landed in Nightcrawler's hands. He set it down gently on the floor and teleported onto Blob's back.

"Hey! Get off!" Blob grabbed Nightcrawler, but he teleported before he could pound him. Nightcrawler quickly snatched two paintings and handed them to Rogue, who set them aside.

Cyclops fired an optic beam at Quicksilver, who darted out of the way. Fortunately, no damage was done to the wall which he had blasted, and he of course avoided the artwork.

Quicksilver ran past Cyclops and elbowed Nightcrawler. He grabbed the blue-furred mutant's tail and started to swing him around, but Nightcrawler teleported away, leaving Quicksilver spinning in place. Cyclops fired an optic blast, knocking Quicksilver against the wall and out of consciousness.

Shadowcat ran through Blob's snake sculpture and grabbed a statue and a painting. She ran to her friends, but Avalanche stood in the way, holding her snowy mountain painting.

"You want your trip, don't you?"

Shadowcat tackled Avalanche and flipped over him, taking her own painting in the process. Avalanche rolled over and shook the building, loosening a few of the overhead lights. One of them fell next to Cyclops, sparking wildly. He took a few steps back to avoid the broken light and soon found himself falling as Toad jumped in and kicked him. He smashed his head against one of the student's sculptures.

Avalanche, Blob and Toad regrouped. Blob charged forward, with Shadowcat and Rogue stepping aside and letting Nightcrawler deal with him. Nightcrawler jumped onto Blob's head and over him. The charging Blob bumped into the wall and fell on his back. Nightcrawler teleported on top of his chest and punch him in the face.

Shadowcat picked up some pieces of broken clay and threw them at Avalanche. The clay just bounced off his armor as he prepared for another tremor. Attempting the same move once more, Shadowcat tackled him. Avalanche fell backwards, onto a now-empty display case. He went out cold as glass flew in all directions.

Toad jumped onto the ceiling and looked down. He decided to picked the remaining three off one by one, starting with Rogue. He jumped down onto her shoulders, knocking her over. Nightcrawler punched Toad off his teammate, but Toad flipped over and landed on his feet. He shot out his tongue, only to have it caught by Rogue. Toad's tongue fell limp and he passed out.

"Ve'll let the police handle zem," Nightcrawler said. "Let's get Scott back to the Institute."

--------------------

The following Monday, the winner was announced. Kitty Pryde won the trip to Hawaii with her painting of a snowy mountain.

The Brotherhood sat in the courtyard, wondering what went wrong.

"Toad, your painting was better than hers," Pietro said. "How'd you lose?"

"I dunno. Maybe they just don't like me."

At the museum, the X-Men looked at Kitty's painting and congratulated her, partially because they felt happy for their friend, and partially because only four could go. Mrs. McGhee stood next to them, observing the other paintings that had come close.

"Oh, this one was so good," she said to them, pointing the a painting of the outskirts of Bayville. "It would've won, but someone apparently stuck some sort of glue on it and peeled some of it off. Such a shame..." Mrs. McGhee walked away to look at other pieces and the X-Men collectively turned to Kurt.

"Vhat? Just because I vanted to vin didn't mean I sabotaged it!" Once Kurt explained himself, they turned to Kitty.

"Oh, c'mon, guys! You know I like to earn my rewards!"

"Wait... there's something on it," Rogue said, looking closely at the painting. Along the edges of the peeled-out section was a thin, green lining.

**The End**

This is cute, pathetic and oh-so-wrong at the same time. Tell me what the Deeper Meaning (tm) was and you'll win a prize.

Update: Kelly won the contest by correctly guessing that there was no such thing. Her prize... well, it got lost while moving all this stuff to a new computer. I'm in the process of rewriting it (I also lost three other fics, one of which had already been posted... no plans to redo any of those).


	14. The New Team

**No disclaimer this time. Experimenting with a new posting format, so it looks a little different from my usual stuff. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

"Heya, Paul," Scott said on his way to class. Paul quickly waved as he passed by.

"He's ignoring you again, huh?" said a young Native American guy.

"What?"

"He's spending his time with his friends from the Institute. He tossed you aside like a ragdoll. I'm here to fix that."

"And who are you...?" Paul asked. The boy tightened his fist and it became a mechanical limb, covered with smaller tools. He waved it around for a few seconds.

"The name's Forge."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"The New Team"  
King of the Worthless**

Forge stood before his assembled group. They met in the late evening, near Bayville High. Forge's group was assembled of seemingly regular human beings. However, upon closer inspection, they weren't.

"Roll call," Forge said. His recruits immediately stood at attention.

"Paul?"

"Present."

"Taryn?"

"Here."

"Duncan?"

"Here."

"Jason?"

"Hey."

"Good. We're all here. Now, the first order of business is to assign codenames. Now, not all of you are familiar with your mutant powers, but my newest invention, the Cranium, is able to detect all of your enhanced abilities." Somehow, Xavier's Cerebro had missed this group, even though they were attending Bayville High for quite some time. Maybe Xavier had just chosen to ignore them, given their... peculiar gifts.

"Paul, you have the ability to appear in several places at once. We'll call you the Ubiquitous Man. Taryn, you can... uh... geez, you have a lot of abilities."

"Oh, really? Cool!"

"Yeah... says here you have strong leg muscles, extra-durable bone structure, tougher yet smoother cartelige, an extra organ resembling the salivary gland, increased collagen count, particularly near the neck, larger mouth structure, a prehensile, stretchy tongue and abnormal pigmentation."

"All that?" Taryn said, in shock. Suddenly, she noticed Todd Tolensky standing behind her, digging through a trash can.

"Hey!" Forge yelled. "Get lost!"

"Ok, lemme just find my geometry homework!" Todd grabbed a crumpled up piece of paper and hopped away.

"Ok, Taryn, Cranium says you have the ability to affect the negative attitude of larger male mutants toward a possible romantic interest, usually a smaller, attractive female mutant and increase their testosterone level to help exert their frustration and force the female into a situation that makes her uncomfortable."

"What?"

"You can make fat guys attempt to rape hot chicks. We'll call you..."

"Super Taryn!"

"Super Tar... No!! How dare you attempt to override my decision! For that, I will call you Worthless!" Taryn pouted as Forge moved on to Duncan.

"Duncan Matthews... you have the power to... what's this word? Ind... induce... stupidity... in pe... people... within five feet of you. Yes, you make people within five feet stupider. I think. I'll call you... Mutant Dude." Forge stepped away and suddenly realized what had just happened. He shook it off as he took a look at Jason's powers.

"Jason... you have the ability to cast illusions into the minds of the people around you, even fooling them into thinking you're a dark-skinned young high school student, when you're really not. I'll call you Mastermi- wait, wrong Jason. You can make girls around you lust for you. We'll call you Lucky Bastard."

"Oh, Jason!" Taryn moaned as she approached him. "You're so... uh... looking... not-ugly."

"Duncan, step away!" Forge ordered. "Alright. Ubiquitous Man, Worthless, Mutant Dude, Lucky Bastard. Our team name is The WCWDGMSTBTOBTSA Squad!"

"What does that stand for?"

"Do not question me! Now, put on these tight leather costumes, and we're in business!"

--------------------

"Now then," Forge said, addressing his teammates, "First, we infiltrate the Xavier Institute. Now, before we do, claim your prizes."

"I want Scott's shades," Lucky Bastard said.

"I want Kitty's laptop," Ubiquitous Man said.

"I want Jean's wardrobe," Worthless said.

"I want Jean," Mutant Dude said.

"Oh, way to spoil my fun guys," Forge said, "You claimed all the good stuff, now all I get is billion-dollar equipment and advanced technology for me to duplicate."

"Are you being sarc-"

"No, I'm not being sarcastic!"

"Well, you seem to-"

"Shut up, Worthless. Now, Mutant Dude will take the front gate. Wolverine is guarding it, so be ready. Lucky Bastard, enter through the back gate, by the swimming pool, where Shadowcat and Rogue are relaxing. Worthless, you'll jump over the west wall and take out Spyke, who's... well, he's dancing, even though there's no music. Ubiquitous Man, jump over the north wall and... uh... I guess you can strike up a conversation with Cyclops, who happens to be sitting down, doing absolutely nothing, with a stupid grin on his face. Quicksilver, you enter through the... wait a second, what are you doing here?"

"Huh?" Quicksilver asked. Nobody had noticed him huddling with them.

"Well? Why are you here?"

"I'm sorry... it's just that the guys all went to a strip club and I..."

"Excuses, excuses! Get out of here!" As Quicksilver ran off, tears in his eyes, the WCWDGMSTBTOBTSA Squad split up.

--------------------

Mutant Dude, aka Duncan Matthews, opened the front gate with ease. Apparently someone forgot to lock it. He was met by Wolverine, claws extended.

"Where do you think you're... doing?"

"I'm standing."

"You standing good. Yes. Good stand. Me wish to... uh... crap..."

"Go behind the bushes."

"No... me keep digninitity. You... not... s'posed be heres. Uh..."

"Hey, look!" Mutant Dude yelled dramatically. "It's a Bad Guy!"

"ME STOP HIM!! WOLVERINE SMASH!!" Wolverine ran out the gate. Mutant Dude walked up the path and headed for the mansion.

--------------------

Lucky Bastard, otherwise known as Jason, snuck around the swimming pool. He hid behind a few bushes, watching Kitty and Rogue swim. He took off his combat suit and stepped out.

"Ladies!" he said, walking forward.

"Hi Jason!" they yelled. They got out of the pool and walked up to him. Neither seemed to care that he was trespassing. All they knew was that they wanted him.

"So who's ready for some action?" Lucky Bastard said with a seductive grin. The girls both grinned back. Kitty was even beginning to untie her top.

"I am!" Rogue yelled. She jumped on him and-

"Dammit, Rogue!" Kitty yelled.

"I didn't mean to! Why didn't you stop me?!"

"I'm not supposed to watch out for you!" Lucky Bastard lay unconscious while the two girls argued. So much for that.

--------------------

Worthless, or Taryn as she was known, jumped over the wall to find Evan, dancing.

"Uh... Evan?"

"Taryn!" he yelled. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm... uh... here to say hi."

"Well, while you're here, how about we go out and get something to-" 

"No... I've got stuff to do."

"Stuff? That's your best excuse?!" Evan yelled, ready to pop a few spikes. "You're coming with me!" Evan grabbed Worthless's arm and violently pulled her towards him.

"No! Evan! You're hurting me!" She kicked Evan in the groin. He fell over, stifling a whimper.

"Now why didn't Jean just use that?"

"Because I'm the Blob!" Fred yelled, "You can't hurt me!"

"Uh... what are you doing here?" Worthless asked. Fred was walking out of the kitchen door, carrying a large platter of random food.

"Eh, I got kicked out of a strip club. There wasn't anything left at home, so I came here. Bye." Fred walked off, chewing on a drumstick. Noticing the kitchen door, Worthless walked in as Evan continued to reel on the floor.

--------------------

Paul the Ubiquitous Man stepped over the wall. Scott waved to him, grinning.

"Hiya, Paul!"

"Uh... hey. What are you doing?"

"Well, I was helping Kurt build his model airplane, but I got some glue on my rear and now I'm stuck here."

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because that asshole, Kurt, put some glue on my lips, too. Hey, if you see him, give him a good punch to the face, willya?"

"Ok. Bye." Ubiquitous Man walked towards the front side of the mansion. Mutant Dude and Worthless were already there.

"Ah, you opened it from the inside, good thinking, Worthless," Forge said as he walked up.

"Uh... I just opened the door to let that big blue cat out." Kurt sat in the tree, looking down at them. He meowed innocently.

"No, Kurt, we're not buying it."

"Damn. Oh well. Bye!" Kurt disappeared and the others looked at each other.

"That's one for the fangirls," Forge yelled, apparently to himself, "But that's all you're getting!" They walked inside. Jean was reading a book with Ororo.

"Storm! Jean!" Forge yelled. "What a pleasant surprise! Mutant Dude, stand there!"

"Uh... ok."

"What you doing?" Jean asked. Immediately after asking, she forgot about the question and began to drool. She started to swing her arms back and forth.

"Ok, keep it up, Mutant Dude. Everyone else, up the stairs!" As Forge, Worthless, and Ubiquitous Man walked upstairs, the ground began to shake. A few chunks of the ceiling fell on them, but nothing serious. Lance stood at the top of the stairs, carrying a brown backpack.

"Avalanche!" Forge yelled. "What are you doing here?"

"Victor got too excited and the show ended early, so I decided to take Summers' government homework. So what are YOU doing here?"

"We came to take Xavier's expensive equipment!"

"Oh, is that is? Don't bother, we've already taken it!"

"What? You? I'm surprised you managed to get in here in the first place!"

"Yeah, well... uh... look behind you."

"We're too smart for that, right guys?" After the others failed to respond, Forge turned around to see them looking behind them.

"I don't see anything," Worthless said. Forge turned back around, but Lance was gone.

--------------------

"Ok, we've got everything," Forge said, pushing a cart full of equipment. "Mutant Dude is distracting Storm and Jean Grey... but where's Lucky Bastard?"

"Uh... he got intimate with Rogue," Ubiquitous Man said.

"Oh. Anyway, Ubiquitous Man, stay here and guard our escape. Worthless, come with me!" Forge and Worthless ran down the hallway. Ubiquitous Man stood at the end.

"Hey! I told you to guard the other..." Forge looked back to see Ubiquitous Man standing at the other end of the hallway. "Hmm. You really ARE ubiquitous. C'mon, Worthless."

"Not so fast!" Wolverine yelled. "Your not going anywhere!"

"Hey, I thought Mutant Dude took care of you!"

"Yeah, well I took care of him!" Wolverine held up Mutant Dude's mutilated head. "Put the stuff down and I'll let you keep your heads." Forge reluctantly left the cart in the hallway and walked away. "Not so fast! I never said I'd let you keep your hearts!"

Wolverine stabbed Worthless and slashed Ubiquitous Man's chest. He approached Forge slowly, backing him into the wall, raising his bloody claws...

--------------------

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Forge yelld. He sat up and realized that he was alive. It had all been a dream! A stupid dream, but a dream nonetheless!

"I'm home!" Forge said. He sat back down. "Oh, it was such a strange dream... you were there... and you were there... and you were there, too!"

"I think you knocked his brain loose, Fred," Lance said. Lance, Fred and Todd stood over the drowsy teen. As far as Forge could tell, he was downtown, in some alley.

"Nah, he's just like that," Todd said.

"What happened?" Forge said, realizing that he didn't remember why he was there.

"No, he knocked his brain loose. We were at the strip club next door, but we got kicked ou... er, left. And then THIS happened." Fred punched Forge again, sending him back to his dream.

When he left off, Forge was backed into a corner, with Wolverine slowly closing in on him. Yes, that's right... goodbye, Forge.

**The End.**

Don't expect me to further explore the subplot involving the Brotherhood and a strip club. The details I gave are as much as you're getting. By the way, WCWDGMSTBTOBTSA stands for Worthless Characters Who Don't Get Much Screen Time But That's Okay Because They Suck Anyway. Forge was ok, but he has enough "suckiness" in him to make the team.


	15. Kitty the Tease

**(Another history lesson... Cristof and Mistogirl pretty much led the Kurtty movement at its peak. I wonder what they're doing now... the first section is obviously a parody of those "GIVE ME REVIEWS OR ELSE" attention whores)**

And now, a serious fanfiction, by King of the Worthless. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Kitty the Tease"  
King of the Worthless**

Kurt and Kitty were-

**Sorry it's so short. If I get upwards of 15 reviews, I'll post chapter two.**

--------------------

**Ok, ok, enough games, I've had my fun. Now, here's what I promised. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

X-Men: Evolution  
"Kitty the Tease"  
King of the Worthless

Kurt and Kitty were walking down the street, holding hands. Suddenly, Kurt's image inducer shorted out.

"Oh no!" Kurt yelled.

"Kurt, I love your fur!"

Then suddenly, Mistogirl and Cristof Wagner appeared!

"OOH!! MAJOR KURTTY " Mistogirl yelled.

"Mom! Dad! You look so cute together!" Cristof yelled.

"You're not my son!" Kitty said. "The odds of our offspring having the exact genetic makeup as one of us are slim to none! You must be... a clone!"

Then Magneto appeared, flanked by Toad and Quicksilver. The four "good" mutants stood back, ready to fight.

"Of course he's a clone," Magneto said. "I created you, Cristof. It all happened one night, while working on the blueprints to Asteroid M. Now, this was a tedious task, so I got bored and decided to write some fanfiction. I typed up a story in which the X-Men and my Brotherhood battled each other, while I used a cloning device to create a perfect duplicate of Nightcrawler. So I..."

Several hours later...

"And that's when I stopped by the barber shop. I hope that satisfies your thirst for knowledge of unoriginal characters."

"Hey! Who's that?!" Cristof yelled. GOD! stood at the top of the building, his cape flowing in the wind. He jumped down and kicked Magneto in the face.

"Get him!" Quicksilver yelled. GOD! stood in place as Quicksilver ran circles around him. He stuck his foot out and tripped him. With Quicksilver down, he turned to face Toad.

Toad prepared himself to jump, but Kurt appeared behind him and flicked him in the ear. For reasons unknown, this caused Toad's mind to shut down. Now, only Magneto was left.

Kitty pulled on Magneto's cape, and somehow, this caused him to fly towards one of the nearby buildings. He crashed into it, but soon emerged. Kurt, Kitty, and GOD! all took turns smacking him.

"This isn't over!" Magneto yelled as he flew off.

"Wow! You beat them!" Cristof said.

"OOOH! KURT AND KITTY WORKING TOGETHER!! . " Mistogirl spouted.

"Thanks for the help," Kurt told GOD!.

"Help? No, I just wanted them out of the way. Bye!" Within seconds, Kurt and Kitty were dead. GOD! turned to face Cristof and Mistogirl.

"YOU!" Mistogirl yelled. "YOU KILLED THEM! NOW THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY FOR ANY MORE KURRTY ()! DIE!!" Mistogirl punched GOD!, then slapped him, then kicked him in the face. GOD! snapped his fingers, and Cristof died, for some reason. He pointed at Mistogirl, and she died. Don't ask how, she just did.

"Yet another city safe from the evils of Kurtty! Up, up, and away!" GOD! yelled. He flew off, and ran into an airplane.

**The End.**

Wow, such a great accomplishment. Not only did I actually post a followup to a story that was originally meant to be a stand-alone mockery, but I managed to "kill" Cristof and Mistogirl (i.e. the UNION of EVIL), bring GOD! (an avatar character whose real name and basic appearance happen to mirror my own) back, and make a subtle statement about my religious views, all in one chapter!

Maybe I should elaborate on my closing statement.

Let me explain the origin of "Kitty the Tease."

If you remember my first parody, "A Night of Passion," then you know that I dislike Kurtty stories, and that I like to amuse myself by mocking them.

With "Kitty the Tease," I not only mocked the Kurtty sub-genre, but I also managed to mock the people who commonly request a certain amount of reviews before they will add another chapter. My view on this "technique" should be clear, but some of you have the thinking ability of a dead rat, so I'll elaborate.

I think that people should write for themselves, not an audience. While it's nice to have people to read your stories, it's more about what you think than what they do. I understand that the review-quota system is just a test to see if enough people want to read on, but it's still pointless and silly.

Next, the topic of Cristof and Mistogirl, the comic relief of the X-Men: Evolution section. Quite a laughable pair, in their die-hard dedication to Kurtty. Kurtty is just pointless; it already exists, we know it'll probably happen, so why devote so much time to it? I know that we'll probably never see any episodes that show us what the Brotherhood's life is like, and that's mainly why I write Brotherhood stories (also, the Brotherhood's more interesting than those preppy X-Men). Sure, I've had to make some stuff up, and rarely will any of this be corrected (case in point- my stories have the Brotherhood riding around in a black pickup truck owned by Fred, and if you've ever been to Texas, you'll know that just about everyone who lives there has a truck. Lance doesn't seem like he'd own a vehicle of any kind, given that he used to live in an orphanage, and Pietro probably wouldn't let the others around his own car if he did have one. After using the black pickup, The Cauldron revealed that someone there owns a green jeep. Maybe they could have both, or maybe Mystique loaned it to them, who knows).

Next, my religious views. Not much to say, but think about the character's name, and what he's doing. It'll click.

Now, back to GOD!. GOD! first appeared in "Self-Insertion (Silence, Perverts)." He happens to be me, placed in the world of the X-Men. GOD! isn't a serious character; I only "created" him just to make fun of the self-insertion genre, where the avatar character always defeats the bad guys, no matter how ridiculously it was done.

Well, now that you're done reading all this, let me explain to you the true purpose of this large afterthought: it increases the total word count and may trick some people into thinking that I actually wrote a serious second-chapter. But you know better than that.


	16. Because Everyone Needs Disgusting Mental...

**The disclaimer is in Toad's room. Look for it, if you dare. Here's a fic I wrote a while back, but never posted... for obvious reasons. The chapters are shorter than usual (haha... hah... MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAahahhhaaaa... haha... heh... oh boy). **

_**Update: Er, as of 2004, that part needs an explanation. Back when I used to post these as single stories, each section (now divided by a few dashes) was a different chapter, sometimes only including one short scene before forcing the reader to move to the next page. Some felt that this was tedious. This was my response to them.**_

**Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Fred and Pietro sat in the backyard, watching Todd jump onto a tree. Pietro had a glass of lemonade in his hand and wore a pair of shades.

"My, how they grow up so fast," Pietro said. "Only yesterday, he was but a tadpole, swimming in the pond..."

"Pietro, why are you being so poetic?"

"Because, my good friend, today is a day of changes."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Because Everyone Needs Disgusting Mental Images to Ruin Their Day"  
King of the Worthless**

Avalanche closed the door to Mystique's room. He walked to his room, wearing only his now-stained boxers. He had a satisfied smile on his face. He noticed a small, cowering figure in the hallway.

"Why hello, Todd."

"Wha... what just happened?!" Todd yelled. He was shivering and looking around, nervous and paranoid.

"I banged Mystique."

"You WHAT?!"

"Ok, let me put it in moron terms. I inserted my ere-"

"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!" Todd ran into his room and locked the door. Lance shrugged and walked into his room.

--------------------

Todd sat in his desk in Spanish class, looking around nervously. After the incident with Lance, no other strange occurances had happened.

After several minutes, the teacher failed to show up. Suddenly, Magneto walked in.

"Hola, clase. Soy el Senor Lehnsherr."

"Magneto? You're teachin' Spanish?"

"I was going to substitute for the German teacher, but this was easier. Now, open your books to page 69..." Todd opened his book, but suddenly, the bell began to ring.

"FIRE DRILL!" The students rushed out of the classroom and caught up with their friends at the courtyard. Todd looked up and noticed that the building was on fire.

"Oh no! My wallet!" Todd rushed into the building and into his classroom. He grabbed his wallet and ran out.

And then he ran back in.

Magneto sat at the teacher's desk with Mystique sitting on his lap, wearing a leash.

"Why don't you join us, Toad?"

"NO! NO!! AAAAAAAH!"

--------------------

Todd walked home from school. Several bizarre incidences had occurred. He had seen Mystique sitting on Magneto's lap, he had seen Evan walking through the halls buck-naked with a spike growing where it shouldn't, he saw Kurt sneak into the bathroom with a picture of Sabretooth, and he saw Forge stroking himself with his mechanical arm.

Todd was almost at the breaking point. He had no idea what was going on, and why this had to happen to him. If he made it home safely, he'd talk to his friends about it. Lance was involved, but he still had Fred and Pietro.

When Todd walked through the door, he froze in terror. In the kitchen stood Fred J. Dukes, wearing an apron.

And nothing else.

Todd almost fell to his knees when he saw Pietro walk into the kitchen wearing a bathrobe and smoking a cigarette. He put his hands around Fred's neck and kissed him.

"What's for dinner, baby?"

"NO! STOP!! STOP!!" Todd ran out of the house and down the street. Was he going insane? He wasn't sure, but he really wanted to gouge his eyes out.

--------------------

Todd sat huddled in a trash can in downtown Bayville. This was obviously not his day. Something very strange was going on. None of this could be real.

"God?" Todd asked.

"Yes?" God replied from the heavens.

"Why are you torturing me?"

"Oh, wouldn't YOU like to know?" God began to laugh maniacally. Then he stopped, and said nothing.

"Aww..." Todd climbed out of the trash can and looked out, cautiously. He saw Scott and Logan, walking down the street, in tight leather. The stopped when they saw him.

"Oh, Toad," Logan said. "We're going to the saloon. Want to join us?"

"No... get away!!"

"Join us!" Scott repeated.

"NO! NO!!" Todd jumped onto the fire escape and then onto the roof. It was there that he saw the most beautiful creature he had ever seen, standing in the moonlight. It was Kitty Pryde, the girl Todd so often pined for.

"Hi, Todd," she said. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a tank top.

"It's been a weird day... how do I know you won't start turning purple and calling to Professor X?"

"Because the only lust I have within me is for you, Todd." Todd's eyes lit up. So what if it had been a bizarre day. Hopefully it'd also be his lucky day.

They began to kiss passionately, embracing each other, feeling every inch of their bodies.

And that was just the problem.

"Uh... Kitty?"

"Yes?"

"Take off... your pants." Kitty gladly did so.

"Oh no... Oh God no! NO! NOOO!! NOOOOOO!!" Before Todd's eyes, Kitty revealed her dark secret.

"Todd... we can still make it happen!"

"Not with that intruder, we can't!" Todd jumped onto the next rooftop and collapsed.

"What's wrong with the world?! What's going on?!"

"Oh, sorry about that, man," a young man with a brown ponytail said. "It's my mutant power. I can make people see things that aren't there. I can't quite control it yet."

"What?! Why are you doing this?!"

"I was following you because you might be my brother, Todd."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jason Wyngarde. Todd Stolhandske, I presume?"

"No, I'm Todd Tolensky..."

"Oh. You're not my brother then. Sorry." Jason dashed away. Todd looked up to see an actual brown kitty.

"Oh... it's a kitty..." Todd sat up and promptly fainted.

**The End**

Trust me, this hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. I think that makes me a sadomasochist.

_**Update: Strangely enough, I had forgotten about the psuedo-relationship Mastermind and Toad had here when I wrote "Toad's Father." Weird, huh?**_


	17. Stray Kitty

**The disclaimer is busy fighting an alien megalomaniac that keeps telling it that "it feels good..." and likes repeating the word "Ness," but whose attacks cannot be comprehend. As you can plainly tell, this is my take on "Joyride." Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Late at night, the Brotherhood of Bayville Boarding House was silent, all its occupants sound asleep, at peace, or at least as close to peace as one can be in a roach infested shithole.

The silence was broken by the sound of someone attempting to open the front door. Immediately, the members of the Brotherhood woke up and hurried downstairs. Todd was the first, simply jumping down the stairs, followed by Pietro, then Lance, and finally Fred. Tabitha, half-asleep, wandered down to see what was going on.

"Someone's tryin' to bust in," Todd said.

"We can all see that, Toad," Pietro said, "Just be ready to take that someone down."

The rattling stopped. Kitty phased through the door, carrying a large duffel bag.

"What do you want?" Fred asked.

"I've come to join the Brotherhood."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Stray Kitty"  
King of the Worthless**

"You're kidding, right?" Tabitha said.

"You heard me. I want to be a member, I'm serious."

"This ain't some trick, is it?" Todd asked.

"Easy guys, let's see what she has to say," Lance said. The Brotherhood gathered in the living room, with Kitty sitting on a rather beat-up chair.

"Alright, Kitty, why do you suddenly want to be one of us?" Pietro asked.

"Yeah, don't you like living with the geeks anymore?" Todd asked.

"Well... I guess I kinda got tired of all the responsibility," Kitty said. "There's too much to do, it's like we're at a military school, y'know?"

"Amen to that," Tabitha said.

"So you just up and decided that you wanted to wing it and do things the Brotherhood way?" Fred asked.

"Why not? I mean, you guys can do whatever you want. Here, you don't have some uptight bald guy bossing you around, and a grouchy biker ordering you to get up at like six every morning and practice dodging bullets."

"Fair enough," Pietro said. The others just stared at him. "But before you can show you to your room, we gotta lay down a few rules."

"Not this again," Fred said.

"One, you're not to bring any geeks here, especially not Nightcrawler, we don't want blue hair all over the place."

"...Okay..."

"Two, drugs are to be used sparingly, except for-"

"Dude, she's not the type," Tabitha said.

"Three, keep all hanky-panky to a minimum, and if you have to, keep it down. We don't want to wake up to screams of pleasure..." Fred, Todd and Lance glared at him. "Okay, I don't want to wake up to screams of pleasure, and four, the X-Men are our enemies. Got that?"

"You mean I can't even talk to them at school?"

"Well, yeah, but when it's time to battle, remember who's letting you stay at their run-down house. Got that?"

"Uh... sure, okay, doesn't seem like a problem..."

"I'll show-" Todd was cut off by Lance.

"I'll show you to your room," Lance said. He took Kitty upstairs while the rest stayed in the living room.

"This is a bad idea," Tabitha said. "She's too goody-goody. If she's anything like me, she'll have Lance ordering us to clean the place up and bring it all up to code."

"Or worse," Fred said, "We'll be going on diets."

"If worse comes to worse, we still outnumber her," Pietro said. "Even if she can phase, she can't avoid us all for long."

-------------------- 

Lance opened the door to a room at the end of the hallway and showed Kitty in. The bed wasn't too soft, and the walls were chipping and cracked. She laid down on the bed.

"Yeah, this used to be Rogue's room, actually," Lance said. "Make yourself comfortable."

"Not bad," Kitty said. "Of course, I'll have to clean it up a bit before it feels like home."

"Yeah, well, there's no pressure here to get an education, so if you want to stay home, that's fine by us. We're all basically on our own for breakfast, but we just went shopping yesterday. Just don't eat too close to Blob or Toad."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Listen, I think it's cool that you want to join, really, but watch it. This place is no walk in the park and the others aren't gonna cut you any slack."

"I can handle it. How hard can it be?"

--------------------

Kitty sat at the breakfast table with Fred, Todd and Tabitha, eating a bowl of cereal. Lance wasn't awake yet, but she had decided to go about the day without having him guide her. After all, if she was going to live there, she'd have to get used to it.

"Hey, new girl," Fred said, "You going to school?"

"Yeah, Lance is giving me a ride."

"Not even gonna stay home? C'mon, it's the way I did it when I first got here," Tabitha said. "Stay the first day and get used to the dump."

"Thanks, but I've got a test today..."

"Yeah, me too," Todd said. "But I'm just gonna practice my fly-fishin'." Todd quickly caught a fly out of the air and ate it. Kitty left her bowl on the table and simply left in disgust.

"Damn, guess that don't impress no chicks," Todd said.

"Forget it, Toad, she's Lance's."

"A minor setback, Tabby..."

--------------------

After much persuasion from the others, Kitty finally decided to stay home. She sat on the couch, reading "Anthem" by Ayn Rand while Pietro and Todd watched Gilligan's Island.

"Mary Ann, foo."

"Fuck you, Toad. Any idiot can see that the hottest castaway on that island is the-"

"Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to read."

"...Anyway, why can't they just fix the boat? They have coconut radios and all that," Pietro said without changing the volume.

"If I was stranded on an island with Mary Ann and Ginger, I wouldn't be in any hurry to leave, yo," Todd said in a near-whisper.

"But that's you."

"Guys, please, could you keep it-"

"The TV stays in this room. Books are portable, Kitty." Taking the hint, Kitty moved to the kitchen. She sat down at the table and started to read. Fred walked in and started digging through the fridge.

"Hey, Blob, you haven't read Anthem, have you?"

"I have a name, you know!" Fred yelled. "You think you're too good to call me Fred?!"

"I'm sorry, Fred..."

"Hmph. Anyway, yeah, I've read it. It's stupid and pointless."

"That's exactly what I thought! It's like the author feels that she's making enough of a statement that she doesn't have to like, write an actual story!"

"Yeah, and she doesn't even bother developing characters or setting the scene for the story! She thinks we all know what's going on, like we're all omniscient!"

Kitty couldn't believe it. She was having an intelligent conversation with Fred, of all people. Fred sat down with a sandwich and they continued discussing the faults of the book.

--------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in the backyard, in combat uniforms. Shadowcat wore her old X-Men uniform, until they could get her a new one. Quicksilver stood before the group.

"Alright, Brotherhood, this is our first training session in a while. We have to shape up so we're in top shape when Mystique gets back. First, target practice." Quicksilver pressed a button on a remote control, then quickly dashed behind a tree and stood a few X-Men effigies up.

"I saw that," Boom Boom said.

"Yeah, well forget you did. First up, Toad. You'll be taking Nightcrawler down. Remember what we discussed last time."

"Wha? That was three months ago!"

"Okay, ready?" Quicksilver took the Nightcrawler dummy and held it against him like a puppet. Toad hopped forward and attempted to kick its head off, but Quicksilver ran a few feet away, effectively simulating teleportation. Toad tried the same technique again, but failed. The third time, Toad jumped but lashed his tongue out and grabbed the dummy by the neck.

"Good work, Toad, but work on your reaction time. Up next, Boom Boom. You'll be fighting Shadow-er... this dummy that does not represent Shadowcat but looks quite a bit like her. Ready, and go!"

Quicksilver threw the Shadowcat doll, which was soon scattered across the yard. Boom Boom stepped back to her place. The real Shadowcat was up next.

"Okay, Shadowcat, you'll be taking Jean, and you know she's quite a bitch with her telekinesis. Now, let's see if your experience with the geeks did you any good." Quicksilver propped the Jean dummy up against the tree. "I'll be doing the 'telekinesis' myself. Ready? Go!"

Shadowcat started running to Jean, but Quicksilver knocked her out of the air. She started to get up, but he pushed her back down. She rolled forward and stood up, and continued to run. Quicksilver dashed in and kicked her, but she phased through and knocked Jean down. Fred, Lance and Todd cheered.

"Hmm..." Quicksilver quickly knocked her on her face.

"Hey!" Avalanche yelled.

"You gotta make sure your enemy's not just down, but out." Quicksilver high-fived Boom Boom as Avalanche helped Shadowcat back up.

--------------------

Fred sat in the back of the jeep, next to Tabitha, Pietro and Todd, reading '1984.' Lance of course drove the jeep with Kitty riding shotgun.

"It's getting a little cramped here," Tabitha said.

"Hey, this is good," Fred said. "This whole 'The Party' thing's pretty creepy."

"Yeah, wait til the last two chapters, it gets really good," Kitty said.

"Hold up," Todd said. "Freddy, you readin'? How much you gettin' payed to?"

"Hey, it's a free country, Toad, and reading this book makes me appreciate my freedom even more."

"Just great," Pietro said. "I'm getting out of here before he turns any more philosophical." Pietro jumped out of the car, regained his balance and ran ahead of the jeep. Tabitha scooted over to make use of the freed space.

--------------------

"Later, guys!" Kitty said as the others departed for their respective classes. She walked down the hallway when suddenly she was stopped by Evan. Behind him were the rest of the X-Men.

"Hey, Kitty. Long time no see."

"Yeah, where've you been?" Rogue asked.

"Get out of my way!" Kitty yelled.

"You know, we heard the weirdest thing, Kitty," Jean said. "Someone said you were living with the losers."

"Really? Is that what they said?"

"I knew it!" Kurt yelled. "Ze Professor's gonna hand you your right arm vhen he finds out!"

"He's not going to find out! The X-Men are, like, history!"

"What are you talking about?" Scott said. "We're still here."

"Well, you guys just don't know it yet!"

"Oh yeah?!" Evan retorted. "Well... well... w-well..."

"That's okay, Evan, it happens to lots of guys," Kurt said. "You're becoming one of zhem, aren't you? Your becoming a Brother!"

"Uh, I'm still a girl, Kurt. And so what if I am?"

"Say vhat?"

"Yeah, and to think you used to look up to me," Kitty said to Evan.

"What? I did? When?" Kitty phased through him and walked down the hall.

"You're making a mistake, Kitty," Scott said as she left. "You're never gonna fit in with those guys, and they're never going to accept you."

"Why not encourage her?" Jean said. "You can do anything you want if you put your-"

"Aw, shut up," Kurt mumbled.

--------------------

Fred sat on the couch, reading 'Macbeth.' Todd hopped in and grabbed the remote. Fred slapped it away and continued reading.

"Yo, what's up with that?"

"I'm reading, Toad. I have a short attention span according to the counseler, so I have to read in silence, if you don't mind. Now get catch some flies or something." Todd made a face then hopped into the kitchen, where Tabitha sat.

"Fred kick you out, too?"

"Yeah. He wouldn't be all dictator-like about his readin' rules if Kitty hadn't gotten to him... I don't hate her or nothin' but it's gettin' weird around here."

"Hey, you can clear the stairs in three seconds, go ask Lance for his History book, will you?"

"Okay." Todd hopped out and jumped up the stairs. He opened Lance's door and switched on the light.

"Yo, Lance, Tabby wants your-" Lance and Kitty were busy making out on his bed, Kitty on top. Todd was shocked, his eyes and mouth wide open. He couldn't tell what happened next, but some force pulled him to the ground and there was a lot of yelling, but all he could see was that horrible image burned into his mind.

--------------------

"Okay, this has gone far enough," Pietro said. The Brotherhood had all arrived at Lance's room after having heard Lance berating the still-shocked Todd. "This has to stop!"

"Hey, what I do in my room is my business!"

"What? No, we don't care what you were doing, but you shouldn't be so hard on Toad!" Kitty sat on Lance's bed, trying her best not to look uncomfortable in the situation. Fred propped Todd against the wall.

"I seem to remember someone inventing a concept called 'privacy,' Pietro! I'm sure if you had someone over, you wouldn't want anyone stomping in and interrupting you!"

"Well first of all, if I DID have someone, I wouldn't bring them over!"

"Yeah, but what if that someone happens to live here?"

"Hey, hey, what are you saying?"

"I'm just saying that we have a right to do this IN OUR OWN HOUSE!"

"And I'm saying you shouldn't yell at Todd, since he's probably going to try to erase this incident from his mind."

"If I could say something" Tabitha said, "Let's just get Todd to his room and hang up a 'do not disturb' sign here."

"Too late, we've lost the moment," Lance said. Kitty phased through the wall and run into her room. "Look, I'd appreciate it if you guys just backed off."

"Whatever," Fred said. "I've got some reading to do." They all walked off, Fred carrying Todd with him.

--------------------

Fred, Pietro and Tabby sat on the couch, watching Todd throw a fit in the corner of the living room. He had snapped out of his trance five minutes earlier and immediately went hysterical.

"Okay, I'm the new girl here, but I'm guessing Toad had a thing for Kitty."

"Yeah," Pietro said. "He's been against this from day one. I think Fred found a shrine to her in his room last month, but it's since disappeared. Probably hides it in the basement. Anyway, she gets one more chance, then we're kicking her out. Sound good?"

"No! You ain't gonna kick her out! I ain't lettin' you! She stays here!"

"Toad, you have to understand, you can't always have what you want."

"You can't take her from me! This is the closest I've ever been to her without havin' blueboy kick my ass!" Lance and Kitty walked down the stairs and opened the front door. Todd hopped behind them.

"Where you goin'?"

"Out, Toad," Lance said.

"Yeah, but where?"

"We're just gonna go like, get something to eat," Kitty said.

"Can I come?"

"No, Toad," Lance said. "Just me and Kitty."

"B-but..."

"No buts, Toad." They closed the door behind them and Todd jumped up to his room. The others heard faint sobbing.

"Right, one more chance."

--------------------

Todd and Pietro were watching something or other on TV. Might've been a documentary or another lame NBC sitcom, it really didn't matter to them, because they had nothing better to do.

"Well guys? How do I look?"

Tabitha walked in, wearing a new outfit. A familiar outfit.

"Dear God, no!" Pietro screamed. "You're dressed like Kitty!"

"Yeah, she said this would look good on me, but I needed a guy's opinion. Couldn't find any, so I came to you."

"What?! But... HOW?! You were on our side! What happened?!"

"I needed something new, y'know? It was just time for a change, and I figure that if I like, wanted a new look, I had to go to the only other girl on our side."

"You're even TALKING like her! That's it! The bitch is out!"

"No way, Pietro!" Todd said. "She's stayin'!"

"Yeah, Speedy, like don't get all uptight now. We're all cool with her, why aren't you?" Pietro ran upstairs to Kitty's room and started to pack her things. Todd jumped in and kicked him onto the floor.

"Dammit, Toad, don't you see she's got you all in her spell?"

"I don't care what you say! I love Kitty and she's stayin' here!" Pietro began to slap Todd repeatedly when Fred pulled him away and threw him down the hall. He and Todd advanced towards him, with Tabitha blocking his escape from behind.

"You damn traitors!" Pietro zoomed into his room and jumped out the window. Todd followed and spat at Pietro in an effort to stop him. Pietro dodged the slime globs and tried to run back into the house, but a small time bomb stopped him. As Pietro got up, Fred picked him up by his shirt.

"You're not taking her from us, yo!" Todd said. He jumped up and kicked Pietro in the face.

"You idiots! She's the enemy not me! NOT ME!" Pietro struggled to break free, but Todd's pummeling kept weakening him. Finally, Todd knocked Pietro out and Fred let him drop.

"That's that," Tabitha said. Just then, the jeep drove up and Lance and Kitty got out.

"What happened?"

"He wanted to kick Kitty out!" Fred yelled.

"Yeah, he got jealous of her because he like, wanted all the attention to himself," Tabitha said.

"Alright, look, it's great that you guys want me to stay and all," Kitty said, "But if it's going to end like this everytime there's a problem, I'll just be out of your way." Kitty walked away. As soon as she was out of sight, Lance turned to the others.

"Alright, guys," he said. He walked over to Pietro, then looked at Fred, Tabitha and Todd. "I'm going to count to three. If you're not out of my sight by then, I will kill each one of you VERY slowly. One... two..."

**The End**

Yeah.


	18. Joyride: Brotherhood Edition

**The disclaimer is announcing that I have made my return! YES! A new fic! Anyway... unlike my older fics, this takes place sometime after The Cauldron, but before Bada-Bing Bada-Boom. Yeah. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Keys? Check.

Mirror? Check.

Lights? Eh... forget th' lights.

Seat? Check.

Seatbelt? Don't really need it, but just in case, check.

Ignition? Alright!

Todd finished his mental checklist. He giggled to himself and changed gears. He pulled out of the driveway and into the street. A nice, cool night in Bayville, perfect for a drive. Of course, Todd didn't have a license yet... and of course, he didn't have a car. So he borrowed Lance's jeep. 

"Ooh... this baby handles like a dream! I gotta swipe his keys more often... ah-ha! Let's see what's goin' on at th' Xavier pad..." Todd drove by the Xavier Institute, rather clumsily, and began to spray something on the outside wall. Using only one hand to drive, he nearly crashed through the gate, quickly swerving to avoid it, dropping his can of paint as he did. Suddenly, he was nervous. He decided he'd take the jeep back before he damaged it.

The next day, Lance walked out to the jeep and threw his bookbag in. As he reached for the handle, he looked at the door. What he saw did not amuse him.

"Who... but... AAAARGH! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY!"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Joyride: Brotherhood Edition"  
King of the Worthless**

The Brotherhood's house had seen its share of damage, but Lance's temper was wearing away at it quickly. His housemates ran for cover as bits of the ceiling fell to the ground.

"Who was it?! WHICH ONE OF YOU TOOK MY RIG FOR A JOYRIDE?!"

"Wasn't me!" Pietro yelled. "I can move six times as fast as your crummy jeep! Why would I steal it?"

"To spite me! Fred?! FRED!!"

"Hey, I don't even FIT in the driver's seat! The steering wheel pushes into my stomach, and it's just not comfortable."

"Then that just leaves the rest! TOAD!! TOAD, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS!!"

"You can stop with the shaking you know, Lance," Pietro said. Lance stomped down the hall and knocked Todd's door down. Immediately, the room's natural defenses took over and the smell forced him back against the opposite wall. Lance tried to stand up, but it was too much for him. He fell to the floor and slipped away from the world of the conscious...

Quickly, covering their noses, Fred and Pietro fixed the door to keep the smell from invading the rest of the house.

"Where IS Toad, anyway?" Fred asked.

"I dunno. Lance's jeep is still outside. Must've hightailed it to stay out of trouble. "

"Yeah, well then let's go find him. He won't be much fun if Lance breaks his legs."

"Hey, whoa, hold it big guy. If he stays away from the house for long enough, the smell might just go away."

"Yeah... but wouldn't we have to leave his door open?"

"Hmm, quite a dilemma. Hey, I know! We'll take a roadtrip!"

"You think Lance'll mind?"

"Nah," Pietro said. "We'll just make sure to have it back by the time he wakes up." Pietro opened the door to Todd's room. "Might be a while, so let's get to it!"

"Oh, sweet! Hey! Let's go to California!"

"You got it!"

--------------------

"Now, Todd, you understand that we can't do this forever," Professor Xavier said. Todd sat in the study of the Xavier Institute, where he met with Professor Xavier, Jean and Scott. Oddly, Kurt was also there.

"Isn't zis a little weird to you?" Kurt said. "First Lance joins, zen Toad!"

"I have a name, yo, and I ain't joinin'."

"I'm not too crazy about this either," Scott said. "Where's he going to stay?"

"Anything, I just don't want Lance findin' me... he'll probably break my legs or somethin. I don't care where you put me! Let me sleep in th' tub or somethin'! '"

"Speaking of which, if you're going to stay, you're going to take a shower," Jean said.

"That's cool, I'm about due."

"Every day."

"Every day?! Aw, I don't have time for that! I got stuff to do! I got places to be, yo!"

"Places where Lance could get you?" Scott pointed out.

"You make a good point, Summers..."

"Then it's settled," Professor Xavier said. "Todd, you will stay in the east wing bathroom."

"Huh? Whoa, hold up, I was just kidding..."

"Let me go show you to your room!" Kurt quickly grabbed Todd by the back of his neck and teleported out. Scott and Jean gave the Professor strange looks.

"What? I don't like him much either. Why do you think I didn't try to recruit him? Because he had said 'no?' HA! That didn't stop me from recruiting any of you! You're all mine! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" Scott and Jean left the room rather nervously as Professor Xavier laughed maniacally.

--------------------

Pietro and Fred, sitting in Lance's jeep, stopped at a gas station somewhere in Kentucky. Fred was inside getting some snacks while Pietro pumped the gas. Suddenly, a local walked up to him.

"You got white hair! You're no GOOD! It's time to bash you in!"

"..."

"Ain't you scared, prettyboy?"

"Actually, I'm a little turned on by all of this."

"You... AAAH!!" The redneck ran off. Pietro continued his business. Suddenly and unexpectedly, Bobby Drake jumped out of the jeep.

"Hey. Roadtrip?"

"AH! Where the hell did you come from?"

"Tagged along. So where are we going?"

"We? No, my friend, you're staying here, and we're going to high-tail it out of here."

"Well then what's the trouble bringing me along?" Just then, Fred stepped outside. He casually walked past Bobby and Pietro and dumped the snacks in the back seat of the jeep. He turned around to face the other two, and took a deep breath. With a single blow, he knocked Bobby out.

"Quick thinking, Blob," Pietro said. "Hey, I have an idea! Pick him up and put him in the backseat. We're heading down to Louisiana."

--------------------

"Hey, what's this?" Evan said as Todd hopped past him. Kitty was also a little surprised. "Who let the Toad in?"

"Ze Professor did," Kurt explained. "We're sheltering him."

"Uh... why?"

"He dented Lance's car."

"Ouch," Kitty said. "If Lance gets him, he'll probably break his legs or something." Todd hopped past them again. "Hey, why the hurry Toad?"

"Gotta take a shower! Once I'm all nice and squeeky clean, you won't be able to resist me!"

"As if, frogbrain!" Kitty shoved Todd down the stairs and walked off.

"Aw, she loves me!"

"Yeah, Toad," Evan said. "She can't get enough of you."

--------------------

Somewhere in the swamp, Bobby Drake woke up. His hands were tied together and shoved into the front of his pants, where another roped was bound tightly to keep him from pulling them out.

"Aw, man, they stranded me!" Bobby wondered why they had shoved his hands into his pants. Hoping to freeze the ropes to the point of frailty, he began using his powers. Then, like a literal and figurative icy blow to the crotch, Bobby realized why they had done it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Lost, bound, and in extreme discomfort. Bobby looked up to see an alligator sitting nearby. His scream had awakened it, and now it eyed him with interest.

--------------------

In order to stay, Todd was forced to become an X-Man. His new codename was Janitor X. With his mop of justice, he cleaned the floor of the Danger Room after a session with the younger students. Jubilee and Boom Boom had some sort of explosives contest, and most of the floor was covered with damaged parts.

"Toad!" Cyclops called from the control room.

"Janitor X to you, foo!"

"Yeah, listen, the shower drain's clogged again."

"Dammit! I'm gonna go shave that blue monkey!"

"Actually, it wasn't Kurt. It was Rogue. She accidentally touched Kurt and grew a bunch of fur."

"Well, then, allow me to go shave Rogue..."

"You're going to unclog the drain, you pervert, and that's it." Suddenly, Cannonball rammed Todd at full speed. Todd flew against the wall of the Danger Room. Not the first time he had hit that wall, but this time, he didn't have his armor. He fell to the ground, crying in pain. Professor Xavier and Storm arrived to see what had happened. Moments later, Todd sat in the infirmary, partially sedated, as Professor Xavier and a few of the other X-Men stood near him.

"Ooowww... what happened?"

"Sam accidentally flew into you. You sustained heavy damage."

"Heavy damage...?"

"Your legs are broken." Todd did not take irony well. What came next was described by witnesses as a cross between mad ranting and uncontrollable sobbing. Professor Xavier had to use a quick mind-whammy to knock him out.

"Well then. We'll have to get to work fixing his legs. Any volunteers?"

"..."

"Sam, since you broke his legs, you'll have to help. Jean, would you mind helping, too?"

"Yes I would."

"Too bad. You will help me gain this boy's trust and respect so I can use my influence to manipulate him in the future, or you will be severely punished! In fact, I'm in a bad mood now. You're ALL going to help!"

--------------------

Pietro and Fred made it to California, after a brief by hilarious stop in Louisiana. They got bored quickly, and returned to Bayville. Fred now wore a Hard Rock T-shirt and a Goofy Hat, and Pietro had an "I love San Francisco" shirt. As they had predicted, Todd's funk had left the house. Just as they walked up the stairs, Lance came to.

"Aaaagh... dammit. I'm going to kill Toad."

"He's not here. He skipped town or something."

"Yeah, he better run... uh... why do I want to kill him?"

"I..." None of them could remember. It wasn't very important, as Lance wanted to kill Todd constantly. "Yeah. Hey, you've been out for a week, Lance. Maybe you should all go get something to eat. I'm pretty famished myself."

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," Fred said. So they all went out to Lance's jeep. Lance then noticed the dent.

"Now I remember! He dented my car!"

"Dented? Wait, wait... it's all coming back to me... no... you asked who took the rig for a joyride."

"Yeah, Toad took it for a spin and dented it!"

"Actually," Fred said, "I came out here to pick up the newspaper. Spyke was skating by, and he made a face at me. I was going to run after him, but I got tired, so I punched your jeep."

"FRED!! YOU BLUBBERY IDIOT!!"

"Hey, we all make mistakes, Lance."

"I SWEAR I WILL TEAR YOU TO PIECES!"

"YOU AND WHAT ARMY?!" Fred yelled, crossing his large arms. Lance quickly got Fred's point, and said nothing else. Just then, the X-Van rolled by. Evan and Kurt tossed a wheelchair-bound Todd onto the driveway. Scott was about to drive off, but Jean decided to be fair, and used her powers to set the wheelchair upright. Todd, however, remained on the ground, with his legs in casts as the X-Van drove off.

"What happened to you?" Pietro asked.

"I got my legs broke. Had to stay at th' Geek House for a while. I've been miserable, except I got to see Kitty change from th' window. I called you guys, where've you been?"

"Places," Pietro calmly said. "Lance got knocked out when he tried to go into your room and it attacked him."

"Aw, really? I thought it needed cleanin'."

"Yeah... so it was your room that knocked me out!" Lance yelled as he lifted Todd up. 

"Ah... hey, what're you doin'?!"

"And not only that, but you took my ride!"

"It was just for a little bit! I swear!"

"AND you saw my girlfriend naked!"

"Wait! WAIT!"

"Toad, I'm going to break your legs!"

"They already broke!"

"WELL, TOUGH!" Lance let Todd drop to the ground. Pietro walked into the house, followed by Lance, who dragged the screaming Todd behind him. Fred stepped inside last, and closed the door behind him.

**The End**

In case you're wondering, I'm from California originally, and I love it there. It just wouldn't be funny if Fred and Pietro had a good time there.


	19. Blob and Xavier Have Sex Warning: Explic...

...

What the hell?! What kind of sick person ARE you?!

Seriously, what made you want to read this?! What about the idea of Blob and Xavier having sex seemed interesting to you?

What you deserve is a swift kick to the face for having even considered reading this. No, better yet, you should be dragged out of your home and shot, not once, not twice, but seventeen times in the face. Now, you probably think I'm being a tad rude here, but you have no right to judge me, because you wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex.

No, what am I saying? You don't deserve a swift kick to the face OR seventeen bullets to the face, you deserve to have a pie baked for you by a fat man singing both sides of the fire escape duet from West Side Story and balancing a flamingo on his head. When the pie is done, he will throw it at your face and call you a worthless motherfucking pervert. This seems a little cruel and unusual, but you have no right to judge me, because you wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex.

You know what else? I think that your children should suffer for your dirty thoughts. As soon as your children turn fifteen, they should be subjected to fifteen minutes of consecutive slaps to the face. Okay, now you're probably thinking I'm just plain mean, but you have no right to judge me, because you wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex.

On second thought, you shouldn't be allowed to have children, because your genes will probably make them filthy perverts, too. The average family has two children, so for every one of you sick, sick people reading this, there will be two more sick, sick people running around, and those people need to be slapped, but I already covered that. You may say "hey, Jose, that's just wrong," but you have no right to judge me, because you wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex.

You're all probably thinking, "Hey! You're no better than we are! You CONCIEVED the idea of Blob and Xavier having sex!" Well, who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him? Now you're telling me that the metaphor doesn't make sense in this situation, but you have no right to judge me, BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SEE BLOB AND XAVIER HAVING SEX.

At this point, I'm wondering why you're still reading. Do you WANT me to insult you? It seems you do, but then again, you deserve it, BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SEE BLOB AND XAVIER HAVING SEX.

You do not deserve to be alive. What you need to do is leave civilization and become a hermit. Write your memoirs, and remember to end the book with the words "I wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex."

Or maybe what you need is to have your face dragged against the pavement at sixty miles an hour. Once your face has been scraped off, you should be kicked in the shins and tossed onto a pile of horse shit.

All because you wanted to see Blob and Xavier having sex. God damn pervert.

-King of the Worthless


	20. That's Enough, Toad

**The disclaimer has been kidnapped by MCI and is currently being forced to call people during dinner to offer them discounts on their long distance bills and recieving payments by commition so that it may one day save enough to buy its freedom. Oh, and excuse the grammar.  
**

The Brotherhood sat on a city bench, sipping coffee from Starbucks, as they had been kicked out of several bars when their IDs were discovered to be fake, and kicked out of Starbucks after harrassing the other customers, who looked like the kind of people the X-Men would be comfortable around.

"Alright, this is going to be tougher than I thought," Pietro said. He took a sip and continued, "Since this stuff's not gonna make Toad do anything stupid, now we have to find something to talk about."

"Uh... hey, Lance, how's the family?" Fred asked.

"I don't have a family you giant twit!"

"Oh... sorry man, I forgot. Uh... hey, the chick waiting at that bus stop over there is pretty hot."

"Yeah. Hey Pietro, why don't you go talk to her?" Lance said.

"Ah... she's not my type."

"Sure she is. She's just as preppy as you."

"I don't think I made myself clear, Alvers, she's not my type!"

"Alright, alright. Toad?" Lance asked.

"Wha?" Todd said. He had a confused expression. "Sorry, I was busy enjoyin' this latte. Whassup?"

"Go talk to that girl over there," Fred said.

"Yeah, she might be into frogmen who don't bathe," Pietro added. "If it works, at least then you'll have something to do."

"Nah, there's only one girl for me."

"Oh yeah? Who might that be?"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"That's Enough, Toad"  
King of the Worthless**

Todd sat on the stairs of Bayville High during first period, preferring to sit around rather than learn about how Charles Sumner did absolutely nothing and later died. He wore a set of headphones with the cord leading into his backpack, which sat next to him.

"Stupid blueboy, he speaks the language and he can't appreciate Rammstein's talent." Todd mumbled along to the lyrics, or what he thought the lyrics were, anyway. It didn't matter to him whether or not he understood what was being said, he mostly just cared about the music.

Todd kept thinking about Kurt. Todd harbored immense feelings of hatred for Kurt, moreso than anyone else in the Brotherhood, or the school, for that matter. During briefings, Mystique would often scorn or even hurt Todd just for the expression on his face whenever Nightcrawler was mentioned. Things are never easy when your worst enemy is your boss's son.

More than just hating Kurt, Todd was also jealous of him. Even if Kurt had blue fur, a tail, missing digits and mishappen legs, his watch made his fur and tail disappear, added holographic fingers, and of course he hid his legs in big, floppy pants. Even if the inducer removed the fur, he still looked normal, and attractive, according to the girls. If Todd had his own inducer, he'd only be able to disguise his pale skin. His skinny body and pudgy face would still show, and his tongue would still be long.

Kurt grew up in a nice home with loving parents and to top it off, he got to live in a mansion with all sorts of gadgets to play around with. What did Todd get? He got shit. Nobody liked him, even if he tried being friendly. Sure, Lance, Fred and Pietro were his friends, but they all had a tendency to tease him and push him around.

But there was one reason above all that Todd envied Kurt.

"Oh... stupid Kurt, why did you have to stop for that burger?" Kitty said to herself. Clearly, Kurt had already reached class while she rushed to get to the same class Todd was supposed to be in at the moment.

"I got a suggestion for you, Kitty," Todd said, slipping his headphones off for a second, "You're late as it is. You're gettin' detention anyway, so just take your time and enjoy some freedom."

"I guess you have a point, Toad. We're not missing anything important anyway."

"I figured that. That's why I'm just sittin' here."

"Well... thanks for the tip." Kitty walked up the stairs at a less hurried pace. Todd couldn't help but admire her as she went. To him, Kitty was a princess.

"Hey, Toad."

"Huh?" Lance sat down next to him, with his own bookbag. "Hey man."

"Pietro and Fred have a project in food science. C'mon, let's go slash some tires."

--------------------

"Alright, let's go over this again, Pietro," Fred said. They stood in the kitchen with several utinsels and ingredients on the counter. "We have to take our time on this, or it won't come out right."

"Look, I can have this damn cake done in eight seconds, just relax."

"It's not even cake! We're supposed to make soup! Weren't you paying attention?!"

"Cake, soup, it's all the same to me." While Fred and Pietro argued, Todd grabbed a soda from the fridge and started to walk out. "Hey! Toad, have you seen Lance?"

"Uh... he's out with his girl... ah, what's her name... Jess, that's it."

"Ah, guess he ditched Emily. Hey, wanna help us out here, ol' buddy, ol' pal?"

"Nah, I got some stuff to do. Later," Todd said as he walked out the front door. He started to walk down the street, taking a sip of his soda. It was a quiet night, and for once, the clouds weren't blocking his view of the stars.

"Arrrghhh... TOAD!"

"What the- gyaaah!!" Todd felt his back hit the pavement and a fuzzy hand grip his throat. He struggled to get the assailant off, but it was useless.

"Vhat have you done with her?!"

"Gaah... wha? What? Done what with who?"

"Vhere's Kitty?! If you hurt her, I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!"

"We didn't do anythin'!" Todd kicked Kurt several feet into the air and stood back up. Kurt landed on his feet and rushed at Todd, who jumped onto a lightpost. "Alright, so what happened?"

"We vere taking a walk through ze park... I had to tie my shoe, and she disappeared!"

"Did you bother to look around, stupid?"

"Of course I did, I saw a treebranch shaking, the treebranch YOU jumped off when you kidnapped her!"

Todd jumped back onto the street. "Wasn't me, pal, but I think I know who it was."

"Tell me who it is! I'm going after him, and you're coming vith me!"

"Of course I'm comin' with you, foo, who else is gonna help you find her?"

--------------------

"Ok, here's the deal, furball," Toad said to his ally-for-the-moment Nightcrawler as they sat outside the sealed entrance to an abandoned subway station. "This station was shut down, along with three others along th' same route because of unexplained murders. They never found out what happened and th' case just went ignored. I know th' inside of it, so I'm callin th' shots here, got it?"

"Alright... I just hope your buddies haven't done anything to her..."

"Oh yeah, and don't try anythin', I'll do the negotiating here." The two mutants jumped over the boards at the entrance and proceeded down the stairs. Toad turned his flashlight on and looked around. "What a dump. Th' entrances to the other two stations have been sealed off, so we'll have to split up. You go right. I'll go left."

"No, Toad. I'll go left, and you'll go right."

"Alright, either way, doesn't matter."

"Then I'll go right, and you'll go left."

"Same difference." Toad crossed through the subway tunnel, hopping his way to the other station. Nightcrawler's path was easier- he just teleported short distances through the tunnel. He reached his station in no time at all.

"Kitty? Kitty?!"

"Meow, meow, fuzzy," Quicksilver said. He quickly shoved Nightcrawler and then tripped him as he stumbled. "Looking for someone special? She might be here, she might not. Let's cut a deal, if you can take me down, I'll tell you where she is. Sound fair enough?"

Quicksilver rushed forward, but only caught smoke. He looked behind him in time to see Nightcrawler's foot hit him right in the chest. Quicksilver rolled into the subway tunnel.

"A deal is a deal! Where is she?"

"Wait just a second, you blue monkey," Quicksilver said as he stood up. He jumped back onto the station and ran behind Nightcrawler. "I'm still up aren't I? Shame one you!"

Meanwhile, Toad reached his station. On the platform was a cage with a chair inside, on which Kitty Pryde sat. 

"Kitty! Phase outta there!" Toad yelled.

"I can't!" Kitty yelled. She pointed to a small guillotine nearby with a golden retreiver pup locked in place. "Unless my weight is like pushing down in this switch below the chair, that poor little puppy is going to get totally decapitated!"

"Who put you in there?"

"I did!" Sabretooth jumped from the tunnel onto the station. "How's it going, Toad?"

"Oh, hey Victor. What's up?"

"I'm using this cute, lil' pussycat as bait. Won't be long before Xavier figures out what happened and sends Wolverine to find her."

"I can't let you do that, Sabretooth!"

"What?"

"Kitty's the only member of th' X-Men I actually respect, and I'm here to set her free!"

"So that's how it is, Toad? Deciding to switch sides?" Avalanche asked as he walked down the stairs. "I knew you would do this. So did Sabretooth. That's why he brought me along."

"This is your last chance, Toad," Sabretooth snarled, "Stand down and we'll let you off easy."

Toad kicked Sabretooth in the face and jumped onto his back. Sabretooth grabbed him and threw him against the wall.

"Of course you know, that trick only works if your enemy's on his back," Sabretooth said. He lunged forward and grabbed Toad by the neck. "Avalanche, welcome to biology. Today, we'll be dissecting a toad!"

"Leave him alone!" Kitty yelled.

"Isn't that sweet," Avalanche said, "Toad's made a new friend. What do you say, Kitty? Should we make it quick and painless, or make him squir-" Toad broke from of Sabretooth's grip and launched a glob of slime at his helmet. With his view blocked by the green goo, Avalanche was thrown off and in a fit of panic created an erupting pathway along the ground. Toad jumped over the flying chunks of pavement and onto Avalanche's shoulders.

"Get the fuck off!" Avalanche yelled. Toad pulled the helmet off and knocked him over the head with it. Avalanche fell to the ground and Toad jumped next to the guillotine. He reached to unfasten the shackles holding the puppy in place, but Sabretooth tackled him. Suddenly, Nightcrawler appeared on top of Sabretooth and pulled his hair back.

"Arrgh... I see you got Quicksilver..."

"He vas no trouble at all!" Toad crawled out from under Sabretooth's pin and released the puppy, which scampered up the stairs. Kitty phased through the bars and ran towards Sabretooth.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Toad said. "You and fuzzy ain't got no offensive skills. I'll take care of him, you two just get outta here!" Sabretooth attempted to slash Toad, but missed.

"He's right," Nightcrawler said. "We better get back to ze Institute, everyone is worried about you!" Kurt took Kitty's hand.

"Thanks, Toad," Kurt said.

"Yeah. I like owe you big time."

"Don't mention it, just go!" In the blink of an eye, they were gone. Toad kicked Sabretooth off, and sat down on the ground. He swiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed.

"Guess that didn't go as planned," Sabretooth said.

"Well, no, but at least now she doesn't completely hate me."

Avalanche stood up and looked at his helmet. "Arrgh... Toad, you better have something to get this stuff off."

"Don't worry, I got a serum I've been workin' on."

"Alright, Toad, where's our wage?" Quicksilver asked as he walked down the stairs, carrying the puppy that had been held hostage earlier.

Toad stood up and pulled his wallet out of his combat suit. "Ok, one hundred each." He handed all three one-hundred dollar bills. "Oh, and don't tell Mystique about this."

--------------------

"Pietro Maximoff and Fred Dukes," the food science teacher announced, "I've rated your soup. While it needed a dash of salt, it was excellent. Ninety-two."

"Yep, you can always count on excellence from me," Pietro bragged.

"Hey, I made that soup on my own time! I passed up on Toad's deal just for this! Next time, you're doing it yourself!"

"Alright, but I'm taking all the credit."

"Oh, the hell you are!" Fred yelled. Across the room, Todd and Kurt sat with bowls of soup. Each group was allowed to select one member of the panel of judges. Apparently, groups were graded by both the teacher and the judges.

"Listen, Toad... I can't thank you enough for yesterday. I'm glad you were let off with only a mild punishment... but you still haven't answered one question... why?"

"For me to know and you to find out, blueboy. Just pass the rolls."

**The End**

I think this'll be the last of the Todd-lusting-after-Kitty fics... well, one more. Except it'll have a very, VERY bizarre twist.


	21. HEATHENS!

**The disclaimer has been kidnapped by ni-wait, I already did that. The disclaimer must stop Dr. Robotnik from collecting all the Chaos Emeralds, so it won't be back for a while. Here's another one you should probably avoid if you're a fanatical Christian... but if you're not one who agrees with Jerry Falwell and all those lunatics, you might enjoy this one. Oh, and excuse the grammar**.

Todd sat on the counter in the bathroom, looking at the cracked mirror. He smiled at it. He grinned at it. He gave the mirror "the wink and the gun." He raised his eyebrows. He brushed his hair back. He gave a sexy smirk.

"Toad's got it ALL, yo," he said to the other Todd. Decided that the "sexy smirk" was the best one, he hopped out of the bathroom and into the living room. Lance, Fred and Wanda were sitting there, watching a CNN News Update.

"That's lame," Fred said. "CNN calls this the Mutant Watch, MSNBC calls this the Mutant Scandal, and Fox News don't even spell 'mutant' right with their Mutent Insult. Guess Republicans don't know anything."

"...there's Reverend Foster, it seems he's ready to make his speech," the anchor continued. Todd hopped onto the chair Wanda was sitting on, one foot on each armrest, and gave her his "sexy smirk." Quickly, she pushed him out of the way.

"Turn it up, Lance," she said.

"These mutants," Foster announced, "Are an abomination! This is not what God had in mind when he put us on this Earth. They are here to terrorize those who believe in the Good Lord, and to rid the world of good, honest Christian values."

"Sir," a reporter said, "What proof do you have?"

"I have with me images from the now-infamous Brotherhood of Bayville house. In several of the rooms we have found anti-Christian messages. One bedroom belonging to a Fred Dukes was covered in food leftovers, which concludes that he is guilty of the sins of sloth and gluttony. In the bedroom belonging to Lance Algers, we found notes reading that he loathed and hated the X-Men... these notes were also found in other rooms, but in greatest concentration in the room of Lance Alvarez, who has also been known, according to the diary of the aforementioned Fred Dukes, to become angry at his housemates for little to no reason. Lens Alvers is guilty of the sin of wrath. The room of one Pai-tro Masimov has contained numerous images of himself, as well as mirrors. He is without doubt guilty of the sin of pride. The diary of Fred Dukes also reveals that another housemate, a Tabitha Smith, often used the others for her own purposes. She is guilty of the sin of greed."

"More like the sin of slut," Lance muttered.

"The diary of Todd Tolownski-"

"It's a journal, yo!" Todd yelled, ignoring the mispronounciation of his last name.

"-has revealed that he has great desire for his housemate Wanda Masimov. This includes numerous detailed notes about his plans to seduce her, including short stories he has written about the matter and explicit sketches." Wanda looked at Todd, who gave his best "nervous grin" and hopped upstairs. "Todd Tolownski is guilty of the sin of lust. As for envy, they are all guilty, as they envied the mutants living at the Xavier Institute. For this, the Brotherhood of Bayville Mutants must be punished and sent back to hell!"

"Reverend, are you insane?" a reporter asked. A serious question.

"No! But you will all go to hell if these mutants are not found and destroyed! Destroyed and CONDEMNED!" At 'condemned,' Foster raised his arms high in the air and shook his hands and face furiously, almost violently. The witch hunt had begun.

**X-Men: Evolution  
"HEATHENS!"  
King of the Worthless**

After the report, the Brotherhood all agreed to stay inside. However, someone needed to go out and get some food. They all agreed that Fred should do it, as his diary ("say what you want, I like my diary," Fred retorted) was the key piece of evidence Foster had used against them. Fred trotted to the supermarket and walked inside.

"Look, mommy! A mutant!" a little girl said.

"No honey, he's not a mutant, just a fatass." Fred decided not to attack them, only because he wanted to get back home to watch the Seinfeld reruns Fox was playing. He looked at the list Todd had given him. He grabbed a shopping cart and gathered a few random fruits and vegetables. He didn't really care much for those. He got to the freezer and gathered some waffles. He got some ice cream, too. And a few frozen pizzas. He decided to get some frozen dinners, too. Then he got some milk. And some orange juice. And bacon. And a bunch of other meats.

"Fred 'the Blob' Dukes," Fred said to himself. "Master of shopping."

"Fred Dukes?"

"Yeah?"

"MUTANT HEATHEN!" Fred noticed that several shoppers had dropped their shopping and gathered around him. "BACK TO HELL YOU GO, HEATHEN!"

"What! Wait! Did you mean Fred J. Dukes? Because I'm Bob 'the Fred' Dukes."

"Oh... what denomination are you?"

"Uh... I dunno. I guess I'm an agnostic or something."

"HEATHEN! HEATHEN!"

"AAAH! I was just kidding! Good Baptist humor, huh?"

"..."

"I'll go now." Fred quickly ran out with his shopping cart, not bothering to pay.

--------------------

After the Brotherhood had eaten something, there was a knock at the door. Still being careful, they wondered which of them should answer. Fred had already done something. Wanda... well, Wanda wasn't one to follow orders, so it was just Lance and Todd. Lance pushed Todd out of the kitchen and that was that.

"Uh... hello?"

"Hi there, youngster," an old, gray man with glasses said. "Are your parents home?"

"Ain't got parents."

"Aunt and uncle?"

"Nope."

"Grandparents?"

"Nah."

"Other legal guardian?"

"She ain't home right now. Can I take a message?"

"No, that's alright... are you by yourself, son?"

"Uh..." Todd took a quick glance at the kitchen. The others shook their heads. "Nope. Just me."

"You're never alone, son. Perhaps I should tell you about Jesus Christ?"

"I know Jesus. We go bowlin' together."

"DO NOT INSULT MY LORD!" The old man somehow managed to open Todd's mouth and pull his tongue out, then with his free hand caught a dagger that slid out of his sleeve. 

"AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain!" The old man brought the dagger down, but in a freak accident, Todd's tongue became slippery and he lost his grip, but it was too late, and he had already begun. With no tongue to cut, the dagger met his right left thigh. Todd quickly closed the door and jumped upstairs. Curious to see what had happened, Lance opened the door. He found that the man was gone, and the bloody dagger had been stuck onto the door. Engraved on the handle were the words "Mutants will not be spared!"

"It's worse than I thought, guys."

--------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in Pietro's room, which they had decided would become their war room, since he wasn't there. Todd sat in Pietro's bed, nervously gripping his tongue.

"Mah deah thweeth thungue..."

"So we've got religious psychos after us. That was close, Toad. If Wanda hadn't saved your ass, you'd be giving up flies."

"Ah thoulda nown! You thaveb mah lithe!" Todd quickly slurped his tongue back into his mouth. "My hero! I'm yours forever!"

"Arrgh!" Wanda slapped him. "Don't flatter yourself. I did it because even you don't deserve that."

"My swee-"

"Okay, that's enough, Toad," Lance yelled. "Now, they know where we live. If this guy tells his buddies, we'll have a whole mess of fundamentalists to deal with. Our first action should be to move somewhere else for a while."

"Where can we go?"

--------------------

"I'm so glad you've decided to sign your lives to me," Professor Xavier said. "As you can see, once you are in my grip, there's no way you can escape!"

"Who are you talking to, Charles?"

"Uh... you're hearing things, Storm... you remember nothing... yes..."

--------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in room 2F of the Last Resort Motel. They had checked out the room for two people (Lance and Wanda, using clever disguises... a moustache and a blonde wig. Guess which was wearing which!), because Fred and Todd were too recognizeable. Wanda sat on the bed she had claimed as hers, and Fred sat on the bed he'd chosen for himself... Lance and Todd didn't feel up to challenging him, so they slept on the floor. Lance sat on the one chair the room had, and Todd sat on top of the TV.

"Okay, so part one was a success," Lance said.

"Let's celebrate," Fred suggested. "There's a Chuck E. Cheese's across the street."

"Dammit, Blob, we're here to plan!"

"Okay, how about this, we bomb all local churches and make sure to burn all their children!"

"No, Toad, we're trying to avoid that kind of thing right now. Wanda, what do you think?"

"I say we go back to living our lives and crush anyone who stands in our way."

"You gotta admit, Wanda's idea is practical," Todd said.

"Dammit! You're all lunatics! Here's the plan. We pose as religious fanatics and whack their leader."

"Ooh! Ooh! I want to be the Muslim fanatic!" Todd yelled. He hopped around, yelling "jihad!" in his best Arab voice.

"I'll be the Jewish fanatic!" Fred yelled. "Ya schmuck! Ya schmuck!" Annoyed, Wanda made Fred's bed collapse, and the door flew open has as Todd was jumping to the other wall. He crashed into it and was stuck outside when it closed again.

"Thank you," Lance said. "But we all have to be Christian fanatics. We'll have to practice a bit if we want to be convincing."

"Lemme in! I'll be good! I promise!"

"Okay then... maybe I should do all the talking... okay, wait, I just got a brainstorm!"

"Will you just settle on a plan?!" Wanda yelled.

"Okay, here we go then. Reverend Foster lives in Virginia. We'll drive over to his house. Me and you will distract him while Toad and Fred sneak in. That sound good?"

"It's the best plan we have," Fred said.

"Alright, whatever." Wanda then opened the door and let the freezing Todd back in.

"Aaaack... some crazy hobo flashed me!"

--------------------

On their way to Virginia (which city, that's up to you), the Brotherhood listened to a little traveling music. Wanda sat with Fred in the backseat, not wanting to be stuck next to Todd, who rode shotgun and had control of the radio.

"Born to be wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil-" Quickly, Lance turned the radio off.

"Hey, what gives?! That's perfect road music!"

"Yeah, that's the problem. I've heard it used so many times that I can't listen to it without thinking of car commercials." Todd began to fidget, and quickly popped in a tape to keep himself busy.

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit," the narrator on the tape explained. "Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole..." Quickly, Lance pushed the eject button and threw the tape out the window.

"HEY!"

"Toad, I've let you play that twice already! Why don't you just start reading?!"

"Too much effort!" Todd sat back and put his feet on the dashboard. He peered back at Fred. "Yo, Fred, got your Game Boy?"

"Nope. Got taken by the cops."

"So what's that Wanda's playin'?"

"That's my Game Boy Advance."

"What's up with this? I asked if you had a Game Boy and you said no!"

"Yeah, you asked if I had a Game Boy, not if I-"

"Alright, alright, I get it, I get it," Todd muttered, not wanting to hear the punchline. Before Lance could stop him, Todd turned the radio back on. A new song had already begun. Suddenly, Wanda began to sing along.

"...Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice, and she said we are all just prisoners here, of our own device..."

"You dig this, Wanda?" Todd asked.

"Maybe." Todd began to sing along, and then Fred. Unable to resist, Lance started, too.

"And in the master's chambers, they gathered for a feast, they stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast."

"Last thing I remember," Todd sang, doing a solo, "I was runnin' for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before..."

"Relax, said the nightman," Wanda continued, "We are programmed to receive, you can check out any time you like, but you can nev-"

"WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN."

"DAMMIT! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!" Todd screamed.

"Earlier today, Reverend Foster issued the following statement: 'I know what you're doing, you mutant vermin! You're probably sitting in your jeep, on your way over to my house to ambush and murder me! Well it's not gonna work! I have The Lord on my side!'" Suddenly, nothing happened. Everyone shrugged and continued.

--------------------

Dressed in black burglar outfits, Blob and Toad sat near the backdoor of Reverend Foster's house. It wasn't hard tracking him down. He lived with his wife and their son, who was about their age. Lance, once again wearing his mustache and a suit, and Wanda, wearing a blonde wig and a black dress, as well as carrying a bible in her hands.

"Okay, just follow my lead," Lance said. Reverend Foster opened the door. "Good evening, Reverend."

"Oh, hello."

"I'm John Matenopoulos, this is my wife Christie. We wer-"

"FOREIGNERS AND SODOMITES, BOTH OF YOU! GET OUT!" Reverend Foster slammed the door on the confused pair.

"What now, great leader?"

"We go with the usual plan."

"Care to fill me in?"

"Well, here's how it goes." Lance let out a slight tremor. "Okay, bust the door down, Scarlet Witch!" With her codename spoken, it was officially a mission. Scarlet Witch caused the hinges to simply fall off, and the door fell with them. They saw that Blob and Toad had gotten Avalanche's signal and had already busted in through the back door. Mrs. Foster had already been locked in a closet. Reverend Foster sat calmly in his chair as the mutants surrounded him.

"Nice of you to join me, boys," he said. "And you too, young lady."

"This ends here," Scarlet Witch said.

"So you've locked my wife away and you have me cornered. You've forgotten one thing." Suddenly, a teenager in a white gown with a golden cross appeared. "This is my apprentice and son, Joshua Foster. He will deal with your scum!"

"Yeah? What, is he a mutant, too?" Blob asked.

"He a karate master?" Toad asked.

"He gonna preach us to death?" Avalanche asked.

"No," Joshua said. "SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Somehow, out of nowhere, lightning struck Avalanche, and he fell to the floor. "Care to test your luck, sinners?!"

"How'd you do that?" Blob asked.

"Freddy, NO!"

"Like THIS! SHINING GOD STRIKE!" This time, Blob fell.

"We surrender! We surrender!" Toad screamed.

"SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Now Toad was on the floor. "Just you and me, you harlot! SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Somehow (somehow, really?), the lightning hit Joshua instead. Scarlet Witch had to chuckle. Now it was just her and the Rev himself.

"Very well. The time has come to unleash the full power of the Bible!" Reverend Foster took the book and posed dramatically. "The time has come at last! Now, you heathen! Feel the full power of God! HOLY MANIFESTATION!"

A giant, gold-colored being made entirely out of light appeared. Scarlet Witch remained unfazed.

"Are you not going to run? Are you not a GOD-FEARING girl?!"

"No."

"HEATHEN!! HEATHEN!!"

"I alwayssss know..." a hissing voice declared. Caliban stood at the doorway with his usual bland expression.

"What? Who is this new demon?! What does he always know?!"

"This is Caliban. I had a hunch, so I asked him to come along. Looks like I was right."

"RIGHT?! RIGHT ABOUT WHAT?!"

"You are a mutant," Caliban said.

"NO! NOOOOO!! I AM NO ABOMINATION! I AM ONE OF GOD'S CHOSEN FEW! SO IS MY SON!! WE ARE THE CHOSEN!!"

"My work here is finished," Caliban said. "And my reward?"

"Here," Scarlet Witch said. She took Toad's wallet and removed whatever money she could find. "Have this."

"This is of little usssse to me..."

"Ahem."

"I will make due..." Caliban took the money and left. As the others began to wake up, Reverend Foster fell to the ground in tears. The mission was over.

--------------------

The Brotherhood sat around the living room, having nothing to do. Todd jumped in and turned on the television.

"Toad, it's Saturday. There's nothing worth watching today," Lance grumbled.

"CNN is always worth watching, yo," Todd said as he changed the channel.

"Okay, Toad. Remind me to beat you for saying that."

"Reverend Foster has is apparently retracting his statements condemning mutants... we take you now live." Reverend Foster came on the screen, with several microphones attached to the podium.

"I was hasty in dismissing mutants as monsters and sinners. I now realize that mutants are far beyond humans. In fact, I believe that it is humanity's duty to worship humans, as they are the closest beings to God that have ever walked the Earth. Also, I would like to announce that I am a mutant."

"So nothing's changed, big deal," Lance said.

"Yep. So what do you want to do?"

"Let's go drive a Rabbi insane," Fred suggested.

"You're on!"

Wanda groaned. Sometimes she felt she was better off dead than the Brotherhood house.

**The End**

Reverend Foster's a bit of an in-joke, as I keep using him in fanfiction (or in original fiction) whenever I need a crazy fanatical Evangelical leader who is fond of yelling "SODOMITES!" at sinners.


	22. I Now Pronounce You Toad and Witch

**Look for the disclaimer in specially marked boxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes! I know this one's never going to happen (EITHER plot point in this story), but I just thought it'd be funny if the Brotherhood got involved with Mesmero's little search. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Todd hopped along on his way back from the convenience store for his daily Twix run. Suddenly, something hit him. When he got back up, he looked around to see what had happened. He found a bag next to him.

"Hello! What's this?" Todd opened the bag to find three diamond rings. "Oh, sweet! Th' Toad has hit th' big time!" Just then, the green-faced man known as Mesmero looked out from behind some bushes.

"Blast!" he said to himself. "Our enemies have given the rings to that boy!" Ordinarily, Mesmero would have just mind-warped Todd into giving them to him, but Todd was a special boy. His head was too thick to be controlled by Mesmero. Mesmero followed Todd to the Brotherhood house. He looked through a window, which was strange, because nobody seemed to noticed the funny-looking green-faced bald man staring into their house.

"Honey, I'm home!" Todd yelled. Wanda passed by, taking one of Todd's Twix bars. "I hope you like what I've brought you, dear!"

"Yes, I like Twix. Now go bother one of the other morons."

"No, no, that's not it! I got a little surprise for you, my high-pressure can of love!" 

"High pressure...?" Oddly enough, that was not the strangest thing Todd had called her. Outside, Mesmero got an idea. Todd showed Wanda the rings he had founded.

"These are for you!" Suddenly overjoyed, Wanda took the rings and slipped them on her right hand, one on the index finger, one on the ring finger, and one on her thumb.

"Oh, Todd, does this mean what I think it means?" Todd was a little surprised. That was not the response he was expecting, but surely one he had hoped for. "Yes, Todd Tolensky! I will marry you!" Wanda took Todd into her arms and gave him a great big hug. Todd was shocked for a few seconds. Then, he grinned.

**X-Men: Evolution  
"I Now Pronounce You Toad and Witch"  
King of the Worthless**

This wasn't as big a surprise to Todd as it was to Lance and Fred, who were downright disturbed by this. It seems Todd and Wanda had already set a wedding date, in one week. They sat in the kitchen making further plans.

"This is just wrong," Lance said.

"Do we need to buy them presents? Cuz I'm a little short on change right now."

"I dunno, Fred. I guess we wait to see if any of this lasts." Suddenly, Pietro ran into the house.

"Hey guys!"

"Pietro, are you done hiding from your sister?" Fred asked.

"Well, I tried to go back to my dad, but he called my a weakling and told me to just deal with her. Of course he can say that since he's always a thousand miles away."

"Pietro, you wouldn't believe what just happened," Lance said.

"Oh, what, you guys stopped loafing around and started training?"

"No, something a little more likely. Take a look in the kitchen."

"Oh? What's in there?" Pietro ran into the kitchen.

"Yo, Pietro!"

"Hi, dear brother!"

"AAAAAH! What's going on here?!"

"We're plannin' our weddin'!"

"WEDDING?! TOAD'S GOING TO BE MY BROTHER-IN-LAW?!?!" Pietro returned to the living room, where he huddled up in a corner and began to shiver.

"Yeah. We're a little shocked too."

"But at least he's not marrying into OUR families!" Fred said with a quick laugh. Pietro didn't respond. "Guess we have to wait for him to snap out of it."

--------------------

"I have some weird news," Kitty said as she walked into the Institute's kitchen. "Toad and Wanda are getting married!" Kurt spat out his orange juice and started laughing.

"Hey, watch it," Scott said, wiping the juice off his glasses. "How exactly did this happen?"

"I don't know, Lance just called and told me. He's as stunned as we are."

"Something's not right," Scott said. "X-Men, suit up. We have to go investigate."

"Oh, Scott, can't you just let love be?" Jean said. Scott raised an eyebrow. "I mean, the Brotherhood didn't come after us when we got together."

"No, but-"

"Just let them be happy! If that's what they want, we should be happy for them, too!"

"Sorry, this is all just a little too disgusting," Rogue said, and left the kitchen.

"So vhat else can we do?" Kurt asked.

"We're going to go buy them presents, that's what!" Jean commanded. "Suit up, X-Men! We're going on a mission!"

"..."

"Are you questioning me, Scott? Maybe you'd like to sleep on the X-Couch tonight?"

"No, that's alright..."

--------------------

Todd and Wanda had decided to hold the wedding at the Xavier Institute. They met with Professor Xavier to discuss it. Scott and Jean, as always, were also present.

"So you want to use the Institute for your wedding, do you?" Professor Xavier asked, then laughed.

"Yeah. We'd use our place, but it's too junky." Todd took Wanda's hands. "I want only th' best for my little apple cinnamon pie."

"Then I'll let you use the Institute, on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You give me your first-born child."

"Uh..."

"Sure!" Wanda said. Todd just grinned.

"Then it is settled. Scott, Jean, I want you to assist them in planning this wedding."

"Do we have t-"

"Of course, Professor!" Scott followed Jean out the room, mumbling something about the things he does for love.

--------------------

"Okay, here's the plan," Pietro said. Lance and Fred sat with him in the house's seldom-used dining room. "We let this wedding go on, but at the exact moment the priest asks if anyone objects, our surprise guests storm in!"

"What surprise guests?"

"My father and his new team, of course!"

"Well, you do that," Lance said. He leaned back in his chair. "All I know is that I'm the best man."

"No way!" Fred objected. "I'm the best man!"

"Shut up you two, it doesn't matter who the best man is because we're trying to RUIN this wedding!"

"Yeah, well I've already got a date. Do YOU, Blob?"

"Yeah, I got a date! I... her name is Mary!"

"I thought I told you two to shut up!" Pietro yelled. "Now, let's see if you goons were listening. What's the plan?"

"We let the wedding go as planned, and I get to dance with Kitty, and score points with her for giving a heartwarming speech about my good buddy Toad, as the best man always does."

"No, I'M going to give a speech about Toad!"

"Hopeless! Hopeless!" Pietro stormed out of the room as Lance and Fred continued to argue.

--------------------

The front yard of the Xavier Institute was being set up for the wedding that was to take place the following day. Jean ordered the others, who set up chairs, while Beast moved a gazebo in front of angel fountain.

"Something doesn't smell right about this, Chuck," Logan said.

"Of course not. This is Toad we're talking about."

"No, I mean this whole wedding. Since when does the witch care about Toad?"

"I don't know, Logan, but I'm getting a baby slave out of this, so I'm not complaining."

"Yeah, but Wanda's rejected Toad every time he's tried to mo-"

"What is this, a soap opera? None of this matters!"

"I guess you're right."

--------------------

Lance drove the jeep, with Todd next to him, and Fred and Pietro in the backseat. Tonight was Todd's last night as a single man, so they had all decided to throw him a little bachelor party.

"Tonight's the last night you get to be you, Toad," Lance said. "So I've organized the best bachelor party you could ever want, like a best man should."

"But it's going to go nuts, so I have a backup bachelor party planned, like a good best man should."

"Well, we can go to Fred's crap party with the buffet and the bellydancer, or we can go to mine with the drinks and the shapely stripper."

"I appreciate all this, but Wanda's the only woman for me. I only got eyes for her."

"I guess, Toad. She DOES have a nice body."

"That's my sister, you creep!"

"Anyway, if you foos don't mind, I'm gonna head back to my sweet Wanda." Todd hopped out of the jeep and grabbed onto a streetlight, then hopped away.

"No use letting this go to waste," Lance said. Pietro looked around nervously.

--------------------

The day of the wedding had come. The guests, which included the all of the X-Men and New Mutants, most of the Morlocks, Forge, Warren Worthington, Irene Adler, and even Cain Marko, sitting in a giant green tank. He kept winking at Irene, not realizing she was blind. As a rather odd surprise, Magneto and the Acolytes had also showed up.

"Daddy!" Wanda squealed as she ran to him and hugged him. Magneto was more than a little surprised. "You came to walk me down the aisle!"

"Pietro told me you were getting married. Who is your future husband?"

"Todd Tolensky!"

"...The Toad?! Are you out of your mind?! I don't want Toad as my son-in-law!"

"That's what I said!" Pietro yelled. Todd and Wanda stood in the gazebo, with Lance and Fred, co-best men, stood at either side. They all settled down as Reverend Foster appeared.

"We are gathered here to today to bring together two filthy sinners in Holy Matrimony. Remember! The Lord forgives those who sin! All of you must repent now, or you will burn in the fires of Hell! This is a troubling time for our nation, and your sins are not helping!"

"Get on with it!" Magneto yelled.

"SODOMITE!" Reverend Foster yelled back. "Do you, Todd Towel-in-sky, take this harlot as your wife?"

"I do!" Todd said enthusiastically, ignoring the mispronounciation.

"Do you, Wanda Massimov, take this thug as your husband?"

"Huh? Where am I?"

"You are in God's Kingdom, my child."

"What are we... oh no. Hell no. We are NOT where I think we are, Toad."

"Wanda? Schnookums?"

"AAARGH!" Suddenly, chairs and guests began flying everywhere. Many of the guests retreated, a few guards carrying Cain's tank away. The New Mutants all hid. Most of the X-Men ran as well. Despite Magneto's commands, the Acolytes made a run for it, too. Professor Xavier managed to calm Wanda down with his powers. The only people left there were the Brotherhood, Xavier, and Magneto. Reverend Foster had already ran, screaming about sinners and heathens as he did. Suddenly, Mesmero appeared.

"Hello, Scarlet Witch. Those rings Toad gave you will be a bad memory of this event. Allow me to take them off your hands."

"Here, take them!" Mesmero giggled with joy as he ran away.

"Well then," Magneto said. "This has all been fun. I will be going now."

"Not so fast," Professor Xavier said. "I've altered everyone's memory. I'm afraid I'll have to do the same for you."

"No. My helmet blocks your telepathy."

"I always wondered what I would look like with that helmet."

"Here, try it on." Magneto removed his helmet, then quickly realized what he had done and slipped it back on, but it was too late. "Yes. This was a fine dinner party we had, Charles, but this changes nothing. Even with the delicious cookies I had here today, we are still enemies. Farewell."

"Goodbye, Magnus. Remember to say hello to your team for me." Satisfied with his work, Professor Xavier turned back to the Brotherhood.

"So you're going to wipe our minds clean too, huh?" Pietro asked.

"Yes. All except for Toad."

"Wha-? Why you leavin' me out of this?"

"Because I want the torture of heartbreak to stay with you for the rest of your life."

"Hey, if you don't erase my memory of this tragedy, I ain't givin' you my first born."

"What?! Oh, alright!" Professor Xavier wiped all of their minds. "There. I know you're all frustrated, but I'd rather you stop attacking the Institute."

"Fine! We don't need you anyway!" Lance yelled, and led them out. Suddenly, Professor Xavier realized that Todd's promise had been part of the wedding fiasco, and it had all been erased. Professor Xavier cursed as he rolled back towards the Institute.

**The End**

...Yeah.


	23. Lance and Kitty: A Tragedy by Mr KOTW

**The disclaimer is filing a lawsuit against me. Everyone's compared Lance and Kitty's relationship to Romeo and Juliet, so I thought I'd do something about that. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

"Hey! You biting your thumb at us, Toad?" Evan asked. Evan and Rogue were walking to class, and Todd sat on the stairs with Fred and Pietro.

"I'm bitin' my thumb."

"But are you biting your thumb at US?" Evan demanded.

"Actually, yeah. Wanna make somethin' of it?"

"That's IT!" Evan produced numerous spikes from his body. He flung several at the opposing teens, but Fred stepped in front of them to protect his friends. Rogue removed her glove and tried to catch Todd, who jumped onto the wall. Pietro quickly ran behind Evan, grabbing two spikes on his back, and pulled to throw him. Evan let the spikes slip out, and Pietro instead threw those, nearly hitting Principal Kelly.

"I've had enough of this!" Kelly yelled. "If I catch anyone fighting again, they'll be expelled! Now get to class!"

"Yes, Principal Kelly..."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Lance and Kitty: A Tragedy by Mr. KOTW"  
King of the Worthless**

Later that same day, Lance sulked around the house. Pietro walked into the living room and saw the depressed older teen. He decided to go talk to him.

"Why so gloomy, Lance?"

"She rejected me."

"Who rejected you?"

"Taryn. Apparently I'm not good enough for her. She seems to be into Summers, though."

"You're aiming too high, Lance. You're not going to get anywhere with snobs like her. Look at Toad and Blob. They're not aiming at all, and they're doing just fine." From the kitchen, Fred yelled 'CANNONBALL' and Todd laughed after a splattering noise. "Look, just forget Taryn. Set your sights a little lower, like say, Rogue."

"Are you kidding?! That's suicide!"

"So?"

"Hey, what are you-"

"Look, just stop moping around. I'm having some friends over and I don't want you three messing it up."

"Friends? We're your only friends, Pietro!"

"I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" Pietro started singing the National Anthem as he walked up the stairs, covering his ears.

--------------------

At the Xavier Institute, Professor Xavier met with Kurt and Scott. "We need to increase the security if you want to throw a party here."

"Yeah. Extra locks on the lower levels should do it. Maybe change the settings on the front defenses from active to standby."

"Good thinking, Scott. You're getting quite good at managing the Institute."

"So who's coming?" Kurt asked.

"Just some people from school," Scott said. "Paul, Duncan, Taryn, just a few friends. Nothing big."

"I certainly hope not," Professor Xavier said. "We don't want another disaster on our hands. Arcade isn't coming, is he?"

"No, I checked with Kitty. He's got to study anyway."

"Speaking of which," Professor Xavier continued, "I'm assuming you're going to use this opportunity to confess your feelings to Kitty?"

"Yes, Professor," Kurt said. "Tonight is ze night."

"Be gentle with her, Kurt. She's still a little uneasy about you."

"Right. The fuzzy man will make it all better." Kurt walked out with a confident grin on his face.

"It's really not a good thing to let Kurt go around thinking he's a pimp."

"It's also not a good idea to throw a party."

"I mean, Kurt can think whatever he wants, right?"

"I thought so, Scott. Either way, I stand to benefit from this. Kurt promised to give his children to me as slaves if I helped him win Kitty's heart."

"Uh..."

"Better be careful, I could end up owning your children, too!"

--------------------

"Yo! Net interception!" Todd yelled. He jumped down the stairs to the living room, where the Brotherhood sat, as usual, doing nothing. "Old man Xavier's holdin' a party."

"So?"

"So we gotta go crash it!" Todd said.

"How'd you find this out, anyway?" Lance asked.

"I did a little bit of hacking. Old Man X ain't got such a secure mailbox."

"What kind of party is it?" Pietro asked.

"Uh... some sort of get-together with Summers' buddies. All our enemies are gonna be there. We gotta go and show 'em a thing or two about partyin' with style."

"You'll do no such thing," Mystique said, entering the room with Wanda.

"Aw, why not?"

"Because they'll outnumber you by about five to one. We'd better stay here and lay low for now."

"Aw, you never let us have any fun," Todd protested. Mystique grabbed him by the arm and flung him into the kitchen. "The rest of you had better listen to me."

"Right. We're just gonna stay here and chill then," Pietro said. The others nodded. Mystique went back up the stairs. Todd hopped into the living room and jumped behind Lance's chair.

"Just so you know," he whispered, "Taryn's gonna be there. Rock th' house, yo."

"Hmm..."

--------------------

The party was in full swing. All the guests had arrived, and everyone either danced, ate, or chatted. Kitty sat along on the couch. Quickly, Kurt sat down next to her, holding two cups of punch.

"Have a drink with me?"

"Uh... sure, Kurt."

"Good party, huh?"

"Yeah." Kitty got up and walked away. Kurt frowned, and drank both cups. At that moment, three new guests had arrived. Lance, Pietro and Todd walked into the Institute to join the party.

"Bad news," Scott said to Jean. "Better warn the Professor."

"Right," Jean said, and sent her telepathic message. "What? The Professor says to leave them alone. He sense they don't want to start any trouble."

"There's something not right about this..."

"There's Taryn," Todd said to Lance. "Better go talk to her, huh?"

"Fuck off, Toad. I'm over her." Just then, Lance caught sight of the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, at the far side of the foyer. "Oh my God... Toad! Toad! Tell me what that is!"

"Dali. Definitely Dali. By th' looks of it, it's an original. Old Man X's got th' cash, yo."

"No, next to the painting!"

"A ceramic bust, can't tell who it-"

"THE GIRL YOU IDIOT! THE GIRL!"

"...That's Kitty. Don't you remember her?"

"I do... but she's never looked this beautiful." Kitty was wearing her usual pink sweater. Lance approached her before anyone could stop him. "Hi, Kitty. Dance with me. Now."

"Ever heard of being polite, Lance?"

"You've got two choices, me or the blue guy."

"Fine." And dance, they did. Pietro joined in some conversation, and Todd hovered around the refreshments. "Tell me, Lance, why aren't you guys causing any trouble?"

"C'mon, Kitty, we're just here to have a good time." They continued to dance. Todd told the DJ to change the tune to a slow dance. Bored, everyone else sat down while Lance and Kitty danced together. As the song ended, the guests began to leave. Todd's decision had killed the party. As an upset Scott started shooing everyone out, Lance stepped away from Kitty.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"Doubt it." Lance shrugged as he and his friends walked out the door.

"Well that was a disaster," Scott said. "Just wanted to have fun my ass."

--------------------

The Brotherhood stayed on the Institute grounds for a while longer, as Scott had forgotten to activate the security systems. Lance stood beneath a balcony while the others hid behind some bushes. Just then, Fred happened to show up.

"Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?"

"Yeah," Pietro said, pulling him into the bushes. "Lance's gonna try to get into Kitty's pants."

"Shut up!" Lance yelled. "I don't even know why I'm doing this! I shouldn't have let you dare me into this!"

"Too late to back out now!" Pietro said. He quickly climbed up the wall and knocked on the balcony, then dropped back down and hid with the others.

"Who's out there? Hello?" Kitty didn't see Lance at all. He remained silent. "Oh well."

"Kitty, wait!" Kitty looked down and noticed him. "I.. uh..." Borrowing a page from a completely different story, the others helped Lance out.

"Want to feel you up!" Todd whispered.

"No, no! Let's bang like there's not tomorrow!" Pietro whispered.

"Gimme a sandwich so I can give it to Fred," Fred whispered.

"SHUT UP!" Lance yelled.

"What?" Kitty said.

"Kitty, I love you! I want to be with you!"

"Lance, this is all a little strange..."

"Tell her to give Toad a little somethin', too!" Todd whispered.

"DAMMIT! I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"Lance, quit being so pushy!"

"Tell her to throw down Evan's boxers!" Pietro said. Even Kitty had heard him that time. Everyone decided to ignore that comment. Lance finally began to speak on his own.

"Kitty, I know we're on different teams, but that doesn't change anything!"

"I know, Lance. You're still the only guy for me, and that's depressing."

"Look, Storm's coming to check up on us," Kitty said. "We've all got a curfew. Let's meet again tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Kitty. We'll sit together at lunch!"

"Whatever." Kitty went back inside as the Brotherhood left the Institute.

"You clowns almost ruined that."

"Yeah, so what? We gotta get back before Mystique finds out we were here."

"She issss out ssssearching for you," a pale man said. Caliban stepped out of the shadows of an alley and confronted the Brotherhood. "You were not at home tonight."

"Yeah, I was visiting Kitty. She's my girl you know."

"I know. I alwayssss know..." Caliban realized he was trailing off the subject. "I am an ordained minisssster, you know."

"Really? Marry us, then! That way she CAN'T refuse me! Okay then. We'll catch up later, Caliban."

"Wait! I want to join you..." But the Brotherhood was already out of earshot. "Ah well... a promisssse is a promisssse..." Caliban said as he disappeared into the shadows. Meanwhile, at the Institute, Ororo checked on Kitty and Rogue.

"Time to sleep, girls," she said. Rogue was already asleep. "Kitty, what's troubling you?"

"Lance."

"Don't let him bother you."

"No, I think I love him, and that depresses me, because I know I can do better."

"I think it's best that you not tell anyone else around here. We'll keep this a secret."

"Alright..."

--------------------

The following morning, Lance, Todd, Pietro and Fred sat at their usual lunch table. Todd seemed to be a little shaky.

"What's with you?" Fred asked.

"Summers' got it in for us. He says we ruined his party... he wants to get even with us."

"I ain't afraid of Summers," Lance said. Just then, Ororo arrived. "Uh... can we help you?"

"Lance, I want to know what's going on with you and Kitty."

"Look, I love her and I don't care what you and the other X-Goons think!"

"Fair enough." As Ororo left, Kitty sat down at their table. "Hi guys!" she said. "Hi Lance."

"Hi, Kitty!" Lance said, trying not to let her noticed that he as signalling to the others to get lost. "Nice day, huh? Wanna get married?"

"...What?"

"To me, I mean. Man and wife. What do you say?"

"I..." Kitty noticed Kurt waving at her. "I guess. Sure..."

"Great!" Caliban suddenly appeared.

"Do you?"

"Yep."

"Do you?"

"Why not?"

"You are now man and wife. You may kissssssss the bride." Lance moved in to kiss Kitty, but she held her hands out.

"Maybe later, Lance. I have class." Kitty took her bookbag and walked away. Lance saw the thinly-veiled insult and sneered. Across campus, where Pietro, Todd and Fred had run off to, Scott, Evan, and some of the New Mutants confronted them.

"You punks are gonna pay!" Scott yelled.

"Yeah, well, we can't fight on-campus, remember?" Pietro smirked. "I don't think you want to get expelled, do you?"

"This is more important than school! Fight, you cowards!" Pietro poked Scott in the cheek, then ran behind him and poked him in the back. Irritated, Scott threw a punch, but Pietro moved out of the way. Just then, Lance arrived.

"What's going on here?"

"You're gonna pay!" Scott yelled. "Fight me, you thug!"

"Did you just call me a thug?"

"That's what you are! A thug!"

"Sorry, Summers. I'm not going to let you bait me. I've got a reason to stay in school now."

"What's this? Big bad Alvers is wussing out?"

"Hey, don't get the wrong ide-"

"Someone's a pussy!"

"You're just trying to bait us into getting expelled," Pietro said. "Not gonna work. We've got too much willpower."

"Fine!" Scott lifted his shades and shot Todd. Immediately, Kelly came running out of nowhere, kicking Todd down the hall, produced numerous 'ah!'s' and 'hey!'s.'

"I THOUGHT I MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR! NO FIGHTING!" He finally reached the end of the hall and kicked Todd out the door. Kelly then straightened his tie and walked into a classroom.

"You got Toad expelled!" Lance yelled. "You're going to pay!" Lance forced several lockers open, and tumbled several trash cans. Scott slipped on all the littered garbage and fell right into it, just as Kelly appeared once more.

"YOU! YOU!! OUT! NOW! GET OUT OF MY SCHOOL!" Kelly yelled, now kicking Scott along the floor to the door and kicking him out. As Kelly returned, Scott's friends ran to him to tell them that it was Lance who forced Scott to fight. Before Kelly could kick him out, Lance and Pietro had disappeared.

--------------------

Kitty sat in her room, reading some magazine, not too concerned for her husband. Storm walked in, carrying Scott's glasses. She tossed them onto Kitty's bed.

"What's wrong?"

"Scott... has been expelled."

"No!"

"I'm afraid so... Lance got him expelled."

"No, this can't be!" Kitty looked at Scott's glasses, saddened. "Scott..."

"Yeah?" Scott replied, standing in the hallway with his visor on. "Hey, you found my shades!" Scott took his glasses and walked out. Kitty cried for the expelled Scott.

"Storm, give this to him, will you?" Kitty handed her a secret decoder ring from a cereal box. "I think it might've been his."

--------------------

Lance hid in the Morlock tunnels during school hours. The other Morlocks gave him weird stares, so he stayed close to Caliban, who also gave him a weird stare, but that was normal for Caliban.

"They are ssssearching for you topsssside..."

"I know. I can't go back, though. I'll be expelled."

"Ssssince when do you care about that...?"

"You know, you make a good point. Later, freaks!" Lance started out, but he was stopped by Storm. "Hey! You have news from Kitty?"

"Not really..."

"She doesn't want to see me?"

"I wouldn't say that..."

"YES! SHE WANTS TO SEE ME!" Lance ran out. Storm looked at the cereal box decorder ring. Caliban approached her, and slowly reached for and took it.

"You remembered my birthday... jusssst what I alwayssss wanted..."

--------------------

The following morning, Lance and Kitty woke up together. It was a strange situation. She had not given in, but had just let him sleep there. Lance had tried moving in, but all he recieved in return was a slap to the face. Eventually, he grew tired and went to sleep. Kitty quickly got up for Danger Room practice while Lance slept in. When she returned, she brought bad news.

"Lance, Principal Kelly is here. He's looking for you."

"So? Let him expell me."

"Do you know what the others would say if they knew I slept with a dropout?"

"Like it matters, all we DID was sleep!"

"That's not the point! Now run before Kelly catches you here!" Lance jumped off the balcony and ran, carrying his pants with him. Just then, Professor Xavier arrived.

"Hello, Kitty. Have you seen Lance at all this week?"

"No."

"Oh well. Principal Kelly already left. Say, you'd better get ready for the wedding tomorrow."

"Who's getting married?"

"You."

"Me?"

"To Kurt. Then you will have many children, all of which will be my slaves."

"Professor, what-"

"AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE TO THIS, YOU'D BETTER JUST LEAVE THE INSTITUTE."

"Fine! I will!"

"Not so fast! Your parents signed you over to me! You have to do what I say anyway! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

--------------------

Kitty arrived at the Morlock tunnels later that day. Caliban already knew she was there. He always knew.

"Is Lance here?"

"No..."

"Good. Mind if I stay here for a while?"

"Yes, Kitty! Stay for a while!" Kurt said. Kitty was shocked and surprised to find her future husband hanging from an overhead pipe. He dropped down to meet her face-to-face. "Ze Professor knew you would come here, so we made a deal vith Caliban."

"I will get all the shrimp I can eat if I marry you..."

"Yes! Now, let us continue..."

"Oh, not right now, Kurt!" Kitty said, stalling. "Can't we have a big church wedding like I've always wanted?"

"Okay, my love! Ve shall have one!" Kurt then teleported out of the tunnels. Kitty gave Caliban a mean look, though his expression didn't change.

"Thanks a lot!"

"There issss a way out..." Caliban said, taking a vile from his pouch. "Ssssuicide..."

"Well, okay." Kitty took the vile and drank from it. She dropped to the floor, lifeless. Callisto walked by just then and saw the strange scene. She turned to Caliban.

"What happened?"

"She wanted to kill hersssself... so I gave her the ssssleeping potion."

"...Why?"

"I like to be a jerk every sssso often..."

"That's not very nice, you know."

"I will correct it... I will send for Avalanche to resssscue her..."

--------------------

Lance sat in a diner miles away from Bayville, eating a sandwich of some kind. It reminded him of Fred, and his friends. He could never return to Bayville. He then shrugged and decided to forget it. The diner's television was tuned to the local news, where Lance heard a report that shocked him.

"A young girl was found dead in the sewer today," the anchor reported. "The body of fifteen-year-old Katherine 'Kitty' Pryde was found near what appeared to be an underground chamber for a secret cult. No other were found, and the search continues for her murderer."

"KITTY! NOOOOOOOOOO!!" Lance yelled, running out the door. The other patrons looked confused, but ignored his little outburst and went back to their food. Lance quickly hopped onto the first bus he found.

"I'm going to die with you, Kitty!" Lance announced deliriously to the man next to him.

"If you're gonna die, how about some poison?"

"YES! GIVE ME POISON! NOW! NOW! NOW! WHY AREN'T YOU GIVING ME THE POISON!" Lance took the poison from the strange man, but continued to shout at him and demand the poison. The man got up and went to the bathroom. He stayed there for as long as Lance rode the bus. As the bus entered Bayville, Pietro ran past it, carrying a note from Caliban.

"Gotta find Lance, gotta find Lance..."

--------------------

Lance entered the private X-Men Tomb, a space in the Bayville Cemetary Professor Xavier had reserved for the X-Men. Kitty lay on a stone bed, because the gravediggers had gone on strike, and Professor Xavier hadn't found the money to pay them.

"Kitty! My dear sweet Kitty!" Kurt cried. He saw Lance approach. "YOU!"

"ME!" Lance put Kurt in a headlock and force-fed him the poison. Kurt had forgotten that he could teleport, and died. Lance then laid down next to Kitty. Just then, Caliban appeared, with the X-Men, the Brotherhood and Principal Kelly.

"You! You killed Avalanche!" Mystique yelled.

"I'm not dead," Lance called. Mystique gave him a quiet, whispered "quiet."

"You killed Shadowcat!" Professor Xavier yelled.

"Hey, I'm not dead, either!" Shadowcat said, waking up.

"Well surely we can find a reason to go at each others' throats," Mystique said. Quickly, she pushed Todd forward so that he fell onto Logan. Logan didn't fall for it. Lance and Kitty got up, holding hands, and stood between the opposing teams.

"Can't you see we love each other?" Lance said.

"Yeah, stop fighting," Kitty said.

"You're all expelled!" Principal Kelly yelled as he ran away. Ignoring both Lance and Kitty, the X-Men and the Brotherhood clashed. Eventually, they all died, except for Kitty and Todd.

"So we're the only ones left, baby," Todd said.

"Nope." Kitty took one of Evan's launched spikes out of a tree and stabbed herself.

"NO! KITTY!!!" Saddened by his love's death, Todd took the same spike and stabbed himself.

**The End**

I just had to add that ending.


	24. Blob in the Big City

**The disclaimer has been sent to a very stormy place to investigate the origin of a toxic dart that killed the assassin who nearly killed an influential senator. Here's one for you Fred fans, all three of you. No, don't worry, I like Fred, too. Oh, and excuse the grammar. **

Fred woke up in a daze. He couldn't remember what had happened, except that it involved Lance and a bottle of something or other. He wasn't even sure where he was. It looked to him like downtown...

"Huh? Oh, man... what happened? Must've been a wild night... argh. Lance? Lance, where are you?"

There was no answer.

"Hmm. Toad? Wanda? Pietro?" Fred paused for a moment, before nervously calling, "Mystique?"

"Look what this city's come to," a passer-by said, "Fat drunks littering the place." So Fred had at least figured out that he was downtown. But downtown where?

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Blob in the Big City"  
King of the Worthless**

Fred stood at a street corner with a crowd of busy people. Everyone was either looking at a newspaper, or drinking coffee. Some both. Fred continued walking down the sidewalk. He found a man sitting against a brick building, playing a guitar with an open guitar case in front of him.

"Uh... hey, where am I?"

"Main an' fourth, dude."

"Okay, but what city is this?"

"Oh, you don't know? We're in..." Suddenly, a crowd ran by, screaming. When they had all gone by, the guitar-dude was unconscious. Fred decided to help himself to the change in the guitar case. He walked over to a bus stop, deciding that he'd have to leave anyway.

"Hey, what city is this?" Fred asked the man sitting next to him on the bench.

"ARRRGH YOU PEOPLE HERE! YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! THIS IS WHY I NEVER VISIT HERE ANYMORE!" The man then stared off into space. Fred decided to wait at another bus stop. While looking for one, he spotting a police officer on a horse. This seemed odd to him, but he decided he'd go to him for help anyway.

"Uh, hi, officer... uh... this might sound weird, but what city am I in?"

"If you don't know, you don't deserve to be here."

"What? Look, I just woke up here, I-"

"I'm going to have to take you in, son."

--------------------

Fred found himself at the police station. Strangely, every time he tried to see what city it was in, someone's head obscured the words. All he could make out from the signs was that he was in "Police Department."

"Now, what's your name?"

"Fred Dukes... uh, sir."

"Alright, Mr. Dukes. How old are you?"

"Seventeen... sir."

"Okay, okay. You say you're lost, huh? Where are your parents?"

"Uh... I dunno."

"Legal guardian?"

"Uh..."

"And you're seventeen, you say?"

"Yes sir."

"I'm afraid we're going to have to lock you up."

"Huh? Now wait a minute!"

"Johnson! Send tubby to his cell!"

--------------------

Fred sat in a prison cell in some city. Now he was confused, angry, AND hungry. He knew he could just break out, but then he'd still be lost. He decided he'd ask on of the others in his cell for some information. Both of them gave him creepy looks.

"Uh... either of you know what city I'm in?"

"Doesn't matter, honey," one of them said.

"You trying to leeve thees place?" the other said, with a Mexican accent.

"Uh... sorry, guys. I'm not into that."

"Oh, that's too bad. We need a big, strong man around here."

"That's it. To hell with this." Fred pried the bars open and stepped out of the cell. Before the others could escape, he bent them back into shape.

"Oh, that ees not cool!" Fred wandered around, looking for the exit. Instead, he found a vending machine. He got himself a few Snickers' bars and put thim in the front pocket of his overalls. One of the guards finally spotted him.

"You there!"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you!" Suddenly, Fred was surrounded by guards. "You can't be here! Those vending machines are government property!"

"AAARGH!" Fred was officially annoyed. He grabbed the vending machine and threw it at the guards. He heard some crunches, so he was sure a few bones had been broken, at the very least. He found his way out of the prison and found himself at the same bus station he had been sitting at an hour ago. The same man was still there, staring off into space. Now, he had been joined by a guy dressed as a cowboy.

"Uh... excuse me. What city is this?"

"Why this is San Antonio, Texas, son. No better city to be."

"San Antonio?! What the hell am I doing here?!" Fred looked around. Tower of the Americas. Tons of buildings with no actual purpose. The Alamodome. Sure enough, he was in San Antonio. "Now I'm getting creeped out. Better find a phone and call the guys..."

"I got a phone," the cowboy said. He handed him a cell phone.

"Thanks, buddy! I owe you one." Fred tried dialing with his large hands, but it was no use. He took one of his Snickers bars, but even that didn't work. "Why do they make these things so damn small?"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY CELL PHONE?!" The cowboy took it back. "YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO TEXAS!" The cowboy then ran off. Fred stood there, blinking. How did the cowboy know he was from Texas? 'Oh, right,' Fred thought. 'He's Texan. He thinks everyone's from Texas.'

--------------------

Fred sat in the second level of the Rivercenter Mall, eating a burger he had stolen from the food court. He realized he didn't have any change left, so the pay phones were out of the question. Then it hit him: the stores had to have phones! Quickly, Fred ran to a souvenir shop.

"Hi! Can I use your phone?"

"Who is it you wish to talk to...?" said an older man who could easily have been Caliban's father.

"My friends. I need to call them to pick me up."

"Where do they live...?"

"Bayville. That's in New York." Several shoppers turned to Fred and yelled "NEW YORK CITY?!"

"No, Bayville."

"VILE! VILE I SAY! OUT OF MY STORE!!" Fred realized that he wouldn't be able to call New York if the phone was owned by a Texan. He had to find a tourist. He managed to find his way down to the Riverwalk outside of the mall. The Riverwalk was a disgusting river running through downtown San Antonio with stores and restaurants lining the cobblestone sidewalk next to it. He looked at the murky water and wondered what tourist would be stupid enough to visit it.

"Smile!" Kitty said. She took a picture of Kurt standing next to a stuffed armadillo wearing a cowboy hat. Rogue, Jean and Scott were sitting at one of the outdoor tables of the many restaurants along the Riverwalk.

"I never thought I'd be glad to see you!" Fred said. "Listen guys, I woke up here a few hours ago, and I need to get back home."

"What are you doing, Blob?" Scott yelled.

"Uh..."

"Do you always have to stir up trouble?" Jean yelled.

"Listen, I'm not here for a fight, I just need to get back home!"

"That's enough!" Scott yelled. "You've pushed us around long enough!"

"Hey, settle down! I just-"

"X-Men! Let's take this thug down!" Fred didn't want to fight them, but he stood his ground as Scott fired an optic blast at him. Several random tourists scattered in panic. Rogue removed her gloves and ran towards him, ready to deliver the final blow, but suddenly, she tripped and fell into the river.

"Oh... ew!" It was only a foot deep, but still, it was the filthiest water she had ever seen. Before she could get out, a tourist barge passed by, blocking her view of the battle. One of the tourists helped her up, but instead, his memories were absorbed. He fell face-down into the water. Rogue stood up, suddenly having an urge to see the Spurs play. She ran off as the battle continued.

Fred grabbed a nearby table and threw it at Scott. As he blasted it, Fred threw another table at him. Caught off guard, Scott didn't react in time, and while he hit the table, he hit it at an angle and it fell on Kurt, knocking him out. Fred threw another table, which Kitty phased through. Kitty took her camera and took a quick snap in Fred's face. Blinded by the flash, Fred stumbled around long enough for Jean to telekinetically sweep a chair under his legs. On his back, Fred regained his vision, but had trouble standing back up.

"That's it! Now I'm mad!" Fred managed to get to his feet and charged at the remaining three X-Men, plowing through everything in his way, tables, chairs, tourists, and anything else between him and the X-Men. Kitty phased through most of the flying objects, but while trying to catch a flying toursit, she herself fell into the river and hit her head against the edge of the sidewalk. Jean tried controlling the objects he threw around, but there were too many. Eventually, a flying chair nailed her in the head, and she was out.

"That's it, Blobby boy! You're going down!" Scott yelled. He fired a continuous beam, which slowed Fred down for a second, but wasn't enough to stop him. He kept charging through the beam, his angry red face unnoticeable behind the wall of red energy. Fred lowered his head as he approached Scott, who had now slipped his glasses back on, realizing that his efforts weren't working. Fred's head collided with Scott's chest with such ram-like force that Scott was knocked through the window of the Rivercenter Mall. He slid a few feet into the food court, and didn't stand back up. Fred took a deep breath to calm himself. He grabbed a bystander's drink to cool down.

"Aw, man. Hey, wait a second..." Fred took the unconscious Scott's wallet. There was enough money there to pay for a bus ride back to Bayville. He took the money, tossing the empty wallet on Scott's chest, and walked away.

--------------------

"I'M HOME!" Fred announced. Todd hopped down the stairs to greet his friend. "Hey Toad."

"Freddy, where've you been?"

"San Antonio."

"Whoa. Long trip, huh?"

"Yeah, where's Lance?"

"Livin' room." Fred walked into the living room, followed by Todd, to find Pietro and Wanda playing a game of chess while Lance channel-surfed.

"Oh, you're back," Pietro said. "Where were you?"

"Texas. Hey Lance, what was that stuff we had last night?"

"I have no idea. Now let's forget any of this happened."

**The End**

Yes, I live in San Antonio. I hate this city. It's a small town pretending to be a big city, and I say anyone who thought the Battle of the Alamo was an important point in history, should be forced to re-enact the battle with live ammunition.


	25. Toad's Father

**The disclaimer is stuck in Moonside. Mo on s id e. M o on s i de. Here's a strange idea I got when I saw the Evo design for Mastermind. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Todd sat in an alley like it was nobody's business. He snagged a fly, then leaned back to enjoy some quiet time alone. Of course, someone else had other plans for him.

"Hello, Todd," an old, hairy man in a dirty coat said.

"Uh... hey. Who... wait, aren't you that guy Magneto was gettin' to screw with Wanda's head?"

"I am Jason Wyngarde... or as you might remember me, Mastermind. We have much to talk about, Todd."

"Uh... like what?"

"...Mystique never told you what happened to your father."

"Sure she did. She said he died in a shipping accident."

"No. I am your father."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Toad's Father"  
King of the Worthless**

"My... wha?!"

"That's right, Todd. I am your father. The resemblance is undeniable."

"A little yeah... holy shit, you ARE my dad!"

"We have to do some catching up, son. How about we go see a ball game?"

"Sure!"

--------------------

Several hours later, Todd and Mastermind walked into the Brotherhood house, carrying bags of popcorn and wearing baseball caps. Todd even had a giant foam hand.

"Uh... what's this all about?" Pietro said. "Who's the homeless guy?"

"Hey, show some respect! This here's my dad, yo!"

"Your dad?"

"I am Mastermind," Mastermind said.

"Oh, wait, you're the guy my dad got to..." Pietro noticed Wanda was walking down the stairs. "...Do that job... with the pipes."

"Yo, sweetums! Meet your father-in-law!" Wanda groaned and walked back up the stairs. Todd shrugged. "Hey, if you're gonna stay here, I might as well get one of th' spare rooms ready for you!" Todd happily hopped up the stairs.

"So you're Todd's roommates," Mastemind said to Pietro. "I was expecting you to live in better conditions, given who your father is, Pietro."

"Yeah, well, we'll take care of that later." They stood silent for a few moments before Pietro ran upstairs. Mastermind followed him, curious to see his room.

"Yo, dad! Here's your master suite!" Todd had picked up some of the debris in Mystique's room. Pietro would've stopped him, but he with Magneto on his side, he decided not to.

"An elegant room," Mastermind said.

"Only th' best for my dad!"

--------------------

Early the next morning, Todd and Mastermind had decided to go fishing. Lake Bayville had few visitors because... well... let's say Todd was quite comfortable there.

"I think all th' fish are dead, pops."

"That only makes them easier to catch!" Mastermind scooped a fish into a net and dumped it into a bucket. "See? There's one already. Go ahead, Todd. Give it a try."

"Uh... okay." Todd took the net and nervously looked at the water. "Okay, okay... uh..."

"It's all about patience, Todd. Wait for the fish to take the bait." The fish floated in the water as the waves carried it closer to the boat. "That's it... that's it..."

"Almost got 'im..."

"You're doing good, son!" Todd pulled the fish in and dumped it into the bucket.

"I did it! I caught a fish!" Todd gave his father a hug. "Okay, okay, lemme fish with my tongue now?"

"I... don't think you want to put your tongue in this water."

"Aw, c'mon, I've put my tongue on dirtier things."

"Well... alright. Go for it, son!" Todd dipped his tongue into the water. Immediately, something bit, and he reeled it in. "Uh... what is that thing?"

"It's a mutant fish!" Todd said. The mutant fish flopped around on the boat, looking at Todd and Mastermind with its seventeen eyes.

"Please... send me back in..." the fish pleaded.

"Yo, this is freaky, pops. This ain't one of your mind tricks, is it?"

"No..." Suddenly, the fish was no longer a mutant. "That is."

"Whoa... sweet... wait, you wanna keep this thing?"

"Well... I don't know. How do you think it will taste?"

--------------------

Mastermind, Todd, Pietro, Fred, Wanda and Lance sat at the seldom-used table in the dining room. Todd and Fred had prepared a meal for the "family," which included... well, they hadn't really prepared a known dish. It was some sort of meat covered in some sort of sauce... as far as Fred and the others knew, anyway. Todd and Mastermind decided to keep the mystery meat a secret. The only ones who seemed to enjoy it were Todd, Mastermind, and not surprisingly, Fred.

"That was a delicious meal, son," Mastermind said. They all left the table and went back to their usual activities. Lance, Pietro, and Wanda went upstairs to lie down while their stomachs stopped throbbing. Mastermind sat in the chair in the living room, reading the newspaper. Todd hopped in and sat down on the couch.

"Son, it's time we had... the talk."

"The talk...?"

"The talk, son. You see... when a man and a woman love each other... they do a certain thing..." Mastermind hadn't realized how hard it would be. "Okay, for example, think of this as being the man," Mastermind said, holding his index finger up, then making an 'O' with his other hand, "And this is the woman."

"I don't get it."

"Well... you see..." He put the finger in the 'O' and looked at Todd. "This is what you do."

"I... uh... wait, that's... ew!"

"That's how it is, Todd. One day, you and... er..."

"Wanda?" Todd said with a clear note of hope in his voice.

"Okay, Wanda... you and Wanda will... uh... oh, ask your mother!"

--------------------

It was time for the annual Father-Son Day in Bayville. Several fathers and their sons gathered in Bayville Park. Some flew kites, some played catch... but a certain pair had other plans.

"Oh man, I've been wantin' to do this for years!" Todd said. He sat in a tree with Mastermind, watching a certain Kurt Wagner tossing a frisbee with a Mr. Wagner.

"Haffing a güd time, son?" Mr. Wagner said in poor English.

"Yeah, dad!"

"So what do you have planned, son?" Mastermind asked.

"Okay... okay... uh... here's an idea. Make everyone think they both look like they're wearing 'AMERICA SUCKS' t-shirts!"

"Very well." Mastermind's eyes glowed, and he waved his fingers. The other fathers and sons looked at the Wagners in anger.

"Vat? Vat eez wrong vith us?" Mr. Wagner asked.

"TERRORISTS!"

"What are you talking about?" Kurt asked. To him, they looked normal. He double-checked to make sure his image inducer wasn't malfunctioning. The other fathers and sons ran towards the Wagners in angry lynch-mob style. Quickly, Kurt grabbed his father and teleported into the tree.

"Terrorists AND mutants!" someone yelled.

"Busted!" Todd told Kurt. It was only then that he realized Todd and his own father were there.

"Toad! You... guy! You did this!"

"No... I'm afraid you're mistaken," Todd said. He mouthed 'squirrels' to his dad. "We're just two little squirrels." Mastermind did his trick, and Kurt and his father believed they had been talking to squirrels.

"Just two... little... squirrels." Kurt and his father teleported away. Todd and Mastermind shared a laugh, but then realized that there was an angry mob below them, who was out for blood, even if it wasn't from who they intended.

"Er... crap. Mass illusion, pops?"

"I have a better idea." Mastermind grabbed Todd's shoulders.

"Wha-?"

"Let's see your long jump, son!" Todd jumped out of the tree and over the crowd, with Mastermind hanging on.

"Yo, we're clear!" Todd landed several feet away from the crowd, which still barked up the tree.

"You'd make an excellent evil genius, son!"

"Haha, I learn from th' master!" Todd and Mastermind continued running down the street.

--------------------

"Son!" Mastermind called up the stairs early in the morning. Todd walked down the steps, half-asleep, rubbing his eyes. "Son, today I'm going to teach you how to drive a car!"

"Huh? I already know, pops."

"Oh. You do?"

"Yeah."

"I see... uh... then I'll teach you to ride a bike!"

"I know that, too."

"Well... what else can I teach you?"

"I dunno, pops. I ain't got much inspiration at six in th' mornin'. Ask me again when I wake up." Todd walked back up the stairs.

"Todd, get down here."

"Awww..."

"If I can't teach you any skills, than I'll teach you the value of getting up early. Now, go to the living room and clean it up."

"What? Awww..."

"Don't whine, Todd. After all, your hopping caused most of the mess."

"I guess it did, didn't it? Heh. Okay."

"Oh, also," Mastermind added, "I'm expecting a few guests tonight. I'd like to introduce you to them, so I want you to look your best."

"Uh... okay."

--------------------

Mastermind sat in the living room with his guests, Emma Frost and Sebastian Shaw. His illusions did not fool Emma, so he didn't bother. The living room itself had been cleaned and now appeared decent. Lance walked in with a tray of... some sort of snacks, he didn't know what Fred had called them.

"May I offer you a whore-divorce?"

"Why yes, thank you," Sebastian said, playing on Lance's mispronounciation. He and Emma took some... whore-divorces... and Lance walked back into the kitchen, with the others.

"This is humiliating," he said. "Now Toad, you said there's a hundred bucks in it for me, right?"

"Yeah, yeah... I just don't wanna make pops look bad..." Pietro stifled a laugh, but Todd ignored him. "Or worse, make me look bad. Now, we got some champagne, right?"

"Yes, Toad," Wanda said. She poured three glasses of it. "Now, you said I get a hundred dollars and you stop harrassing me?"

"Yeah, I'll stop harrassin' you fortherestofth'day."

"WHAT?!"

"I said I'll stop harrasin' you, and the rest here are gay, so you won't have any problems!" Todd grinned nervously. Wanda carried the champagne out to them. Wanda returned and nodded to Todd. Todd then walked into the living room, standing as straight as possible.

"There he is. Emma, Sebastian, I want you to meet my son, apprentice and heir, Todd Tolensky."

"Good evening," Todd said, bowing and disguising his accent.

"I see the resemblance," Emma said, intending it as an insult. "Now, Todd, why do you have a different last name than your father?"

"I pride myself on individuality," Todd lied.

"At least he has values," Sebastian said. "I have a son about your age, Todd... he's in New York right now. The two of you should meet some day."

"That would be great, sir." Mastermind gave Todd a mental signal. "If you'll excuse me, I have training to do." Todd bowed once more and walked out of the living room and back into the kitchen.

"That was quick," Pietro said.

"Yeah... I think th' lady in white was readin' my mind."

"Like you have one to read. So now that I'm done here, I've got other stuff to do." Pietro ran up the stairs, fully aware that he had done nothing. Nearly an hour later, Emma and Sebastian finally left. Todd paid his housemates, and then hopped into the living room.

"Yo, pops. How'd it go?"

"I didn't get in."

"Oh man... I'm sorry, it was all my fault..."

"No, it wasn't your fault, son. I made a bad joke about Sebastian's son trying to kill him, and apparently, it hit a little close to home. Oh well. I can try again in a year."

"Sorry, pops. I know that club meant a lot to you."

"It's alright, it's alright. I just need some rest is all." Mastermind got up and walked upstairs to his room. Todd shrugged and hopped back into the kitchen.

--------------------

Another typical day at the Brotherhood house. Mastermind sat with the newspaper while the others ran about doing their usual crap. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"Go get it, Fred!" Pietro yelled.

"You go get it!" Fred yelled back.

"That's enough, boys!" Mastermind said. "Todd, could you get the door?"

"Sure thing, pops!" Todd hopped to the door. "May I he-AAAAAAH!"

"Toad." Magneto walked in. Pietro immediately lined up at the door, standing at attention. "Not now, Pietro. I've come to see Mastermind."

"...Er... what can I do for you?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm just spending time with my son."

"Pietro is my son, Mastermind."

"No, I mean Todd."

"You..." Magneto was disgusted. "You mean there was a woman out there that actually...?"

"I am a master of illusions, Magneto..."

"Of course, of course... Mastermind, I need you to do something else for me."

"Can it wait?" Magneto bent the stair railing to detain Mastermind. "I see your point... well, it looks like we'll have to catch up some other time, Todd."

"Aw, can't he stay a little longer?" Todd asked.

"No." Just then, Wanda came down the stairs.

"Daddy!"

"Uh... Wanda! Hi... how are you?"

"I'm fine. Come to visit us?"

"Uh... not really. I'm afraid I'm busy at the moment." Wanda frowned. "But don't worry. I'll come visit soon, I promise. Come, Mastermind." Magneto left the Brotherhood house, followed by Mastermind.

"It was great seeing you, dad," Todd said. "Write to me or somethin', okay?"

"I will." The door closed behind Mastermind. Todd sat on the ground, depressed. The others went back to what they were doing.

"Hey! Depressed Toad here!"

"Quit whining!" Lance yelled. Todd shrugged and hopped upstairs.

**The End**

Well, it might not be true, but don't tell me Mastermind didn't remind you a little of Toad, especially considering his Evo design seems to resemble the original Toad more than it does the original Mastermind.


	26. The Brotherhood Rocks!: The Reunion

**The disclaimer is digging through your garbage... better stop it! So here it is, the long-waiting (HA) sequel to The Brotherhood Rocks! This one takes it a little further, but otherwise, it's more of the same... oh, damn, I'm supposed get you interested here, aren't I? Well, uh... THIS IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER WRITTEN. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Sometime in the middle of the night, a security guard double-checked one of the warehouse cells he was guarding. A rather large new crate had arrived earlier that day, and while the guard thought he had heard breathing, quite talking, and what sounded like "SHUT UP LANCE," he ignored the crate and continued around the warehouse. Seeing that everything was okay, he left to check on a different warehouse further down the lot.

The top of the crate flew open and a certain silver-haired teenager rushed out of it, taking deep breaths of air.

"How could I let you idiots talk me into this?!" he screamed.

"Hey, settle down," Todd said as he hopped out. "All th' others are used to me manly musk."

"No we're not," Wanda said. Now that they were free to move around, she gave Todd a quick hexing and he flew into a pile of crates. Lance then climbed out of the crate and rubbed his eyes. The box seemingly tipped itself over, and Fred crawled out.

"Okay, now that we've all taken a moment to fill our lungs with some refreshing air," Pietro announced, "We've got work to do." Todd hopped from box to box, putting his ear against each of them and knocking to see if he could tell what was inside. After a few minutes, he waved to the others. Fred then popped open the indicated crate.

"We found you at last," Pietro said. He lifted a pair of drumsticks. "The band is back together!"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"The Brotherhood Rocks!: The Reunion"  
King of the Worthless**

Because Mystique wasn't around, they decided to set up in the living room instead of the basement. Lance, who had already gotten himself another guitar, handed his old one to Wanda.

"Uh... I don't play."

"Neither do we!" Fred said. Then, the single worst thing that Wanda could ever remember having to withstand happened. No suffering prior to that had ever caused her so much pain.

There was no sound in the world worse than the Brotherhood jamming.

"STOP IT!! STOP IT!!" They guys stopped before Wanda could hex their weapons, after all, they had just gotten them back. Weapons? I meant instruments. "Look, I'm going to go stay in a motel or something until you guys either learn to play or stop altogether!"

"Honey, wait!" Wanda slammed the door behind her. "Aw man, she left me! She left me!"

"Okay, that gives us some room to practice," Lance said. "Okay, you guys get used to your instruments again while I go look for our old music sheets."

"She left me!"

"Dammit, Toad!" Pietro yelled. "Settle down already. You'll get her back as soon as you learn to play the bass correctly."

"Oh, you sayin' I ain't good?!"

"Of course I'm saying you 'ain't good!' You were the reason we never got that record deal! I mean, at least Fred got the hang of his keyboard, and his hands are the size of lawn chairs!"

"Thanks I... hey!"

"As for me, I've already mastered this!" Pietro started his high-speed drumming. It sounded like bizarre beatless techno. "See? I've got beat AND rhythm, and I'm only one guy!"

"Yeah well you got th' ego enough for all four of us!"

"Ego is proportionate to talent, Toad, so it's well-deserved." Lance came back downstairs with a few sheets of notebook paper. "Okay guys, here's our stuff." After a few warmups, they band finally started.

"We ain't no Harry Potter fans! We're a fucking rocking band! We're gonna rip your ears right out! We're gonna go and get take-out!" Lance continued playing and singing, but the others stopped.

"Lance..."

"Now we gotta drive around! You're a stupid fucking clown!"

"LANCE!"

"You're a forty-dollar whore! You're a stupid fucking door!"

"LANCE!"

"WHAT?!"

"Stop singing!" Pietro yelled. "Just stop!"

"Why?" Lance said, clenching his fists. Todd and Fred decided not to get involved.

"You sound like a dying goat, that's why! Why don't you let me take over on vocals, hmm?"

"No way! You're not the frontman here! That's why you're the drummer!"

"Drummer nothing! I'm the best looking guy here! I deserve the front spot!"

"Hey, how about we get someone besides you two to sing for us?" Todd suggested.

"Oh, like who?!" Lance yelled.

"Like my girl, foos."

"One," Pietro said, "She's not your girl. Two, she can't stand the sound of our beat for some reason, and three, she's a witch. Like I said, I'm the best candidate for the job."

"I kinda like Toad's idea," Fred said. "She's got the look for a lead singer and all."

"Damn straight, yo. Now let's put this to a vote. All in favor of Lance as lead singer?" Only Lance raised his hand. "All in favor of Pietro?" Only Pietro raised his hand. "All in favor of Wanda?" Todd and Fred raised their hands. "Majority rules, yo."

"NO IT DOESN'T!" Lance yelled. Bits of the ceiling started crumbling. "I STARTED THIS BAND! I WROTE ALL OUR MATERIAL! I'M GOING TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT, YOU HEAR ME?!"

--------------------

"Okay then," Fred said. "Let's get down to business." The Brotherhood and Wanda met in Fred's room, where he had made a desk of sorts out of his dresser and a chair. "Now, under this new contract, Lance and Pietro become co-managers and each get an extra ten percent of the profits. Wanda is the new lead singer, and she gets an extra two percent. All three will appear on all our album covers, and each will have equal amount of screentime in each video."

"Looks like we've got it all down," Todd said. "You can sign now."

"Fine!" Pietro said. "I'm gonna get all the groupies anyway."

"I don't NEED groupies! Once she sees I'm successful, Kitty'll come back to me."

"HAH! You just keep believing that, Lance! I'll be paying child support payments for eighty-nine illegitimate children, which I'll be able to afford since I'll make a fortune on endorsements alone, while you're sitting in your shack hoping VH1 does a special on you!"

"Both of you shut up!" Wanda yelled. Their chairs started to squeak.

"Alright, alright. So we're even now. Happy, Pietro?"

"Yeah, but I'm still better than yo-" Pietro fell on his ass when his chair suddenly collapsed. "Okay, you've made your point, Wanda." 

And so, the band was finally settled. Lance "Avalanche" Alvers on guitar, Todd "The Toad" Tolensky on bass, Fred "The Blob" Dukes on the... keyboard... Pietro "Quicksilver" Maximoff on drums, and Wanda "The Scarlet Witch" Maximoff providing the vocals. The band saw initial success as a grunge rock band on the local circuit, but conflicting egos would bring about The Brotherhood's downfall.

--------------------

"Good show tonight," the club manager said. The Brotherhood was getting their equipment packed up after doing a show. Pietro was talking to a few would-be groupies, and as always, Fred and Todd did most of the work, under the "supervision" of Wanda.

"I dunno, I wasn't feeling it today," Lance said. "I mean, I like what we do, but people just don't like grunge, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know. I'll be honest with you, you only get an audience because of the Maximoff twins there."

"Yeah, I know. I think we need to find our own style, though. I was thinking we could stick with grunge, but maybe emphasize less on vocals and more on guitar... you've seen a lot here, what do you think?"

"Go for it," the manager said. "Just keep the Maximoffs and you've got a few guaranteed followers." As the manager oversaw a few final details before closing the place, the band gathered on-stage to discuss Lance's idea.

"No way," Todd said. "We don't have enough emphasis on Wanda's heavenly voice! We should keep the guitar, keep the bass, keep the vocals and drums, but lose th' keyboard. Fred, can you play a trumpet?"

"Trumpet?! Hey, you're not thinking of making us a ska band, are you?"

"Nah, nah, we're not goin' ska... we're just goin' in a new direction."

"Fuck no," Pietro said. "As much as I like the ska-inspired idea, I think we need to drop the bass and guitar. Just based on vocals, keyboard, and my maginificent drumming, we could make it on our own with a dance-groove."

"You trying to cut us out, Pietro?" Lance asked.

"Maybe."

"We're too upbeat," Wanda said. "We have to get a little more... moody. We need a tone, a message."

"No goth!" Fred bellowed. "I think we can leave out this stupid keyboard, and I can just play a regular guitar. We'll be country/rock!"

"NO," they all said in unison.

"I have an idea," Gambit said. He seemed to have been sitting with them the entire time, but nobody had noticed. "How about you ditch this band idea and go after your own individual goals?"

"That's a great idea!" Pietro said. "I don't need you losers to hold me back!"

"Hey! Hey! We just got the band together!" Fred pleaded. "C'mon, let's at least try!"

"No way! I'm not going to let this sinking ship drag me down with it! I'm going solo!" Pietro turned his back on the others and crossed his arms.

"We don't need you anyway!" Lance said. 

"You know what? I'm quitting, too," Wanda said. "I've got a good voice. Nothing personal, but you jerks just haven't had enough practice."

"Hey, we-"

"If Wanda goes, I go, too!" Todd announced.

"Now wait just a minute!"

"Fuck this!" Fred said. "I tried to keep the band together, but you all walked out on me! I don't have to stand for this!" Everyone walked off the stage in separate directions, leaving Lance alone in the spotlight. He sighed, and walked away.

--------------------

Ten years later, the former members of The Brotherhood were all busy with their new careers. Pietro Maximoff had kept his old name as DJ Quicksilver, a hit in the dance club scene. Fred Dukes now called himself The Amazing B.L.O.B., and his mix of rap and country had a cult following, especially in his homestate of Texas. Wanda Maximoff and Todd "The Toad" Tolensky joined the band Asteroid Belt, which had a style so radical that it could not be placed in any genre. As for Lance Alvers, he formed his own grunge band, Avalanche, which had recently hit number one on the charts. The Brotherhood would have remained separate, had it not been for a meddling mutant...

"This looks like the place," Wanda said. Ten years older, Wanda had let her hair grow down to her waist, but her style in clothing remained the same. She and her bandmate/would-be groupie Todd had arrived at a parking garage in Bayville, where they were to meet someone for a new gig. The man on the phone had specifically requested only they show up, so they did. Todd had grown a long dirty blonde beard, which was just as filthy as his equally long hair. He wore a leather jacket and shades. "We've been here for an hour, Toad. When do you think he'll show up?"

"I dunno, Wanda. Bein' back in Bayville makes me remember all th' old band. I wonder what they're all doin' now."

"Probably living in the same dump."

"Yeah... we were all so full of dreams. I'd hoped that by now you and me, we'd have a family, with a few tadpoles."

"Yeah, I remember your sick emphatuation with me. Imagine us getting together!" They laughed.

"Er... it ain't too late, is it?" Just then, a small caravan of luxury cars appeared, blasting hip-hop music. The cars all parked, and a crew of rappers jumped out, all dancing around for some reason. The Amazing B.L.O.B. stepped out of his car, wearing a thick leopardskin coat, a wide-brimmed hat with a feather in it, and carrying a black cane. A barely-dressed girl clung to each of his huge arms. Oddly enough, all of B.L.O.B.'s entourage wore cowboy hats, even his girls.

"Yo yo yo yo!" Fred yelled. "B to tha L to the O to the B my dog ran away and I'm from Tennessee!"

"Yo, Freddy!" Todd yelled.

"Tha Toad is in tha house! Scarlet Witch, where you been, no adultery, that's a sin!"

"I thought you were going country," Wanda said.

"Country, that's for hens, I got my Mercedes Benz!" Soon, a small truck pulled up, with the words "DJ QUICKSILVER" on the side. The side of the truck opened up to reveal a turntable and large speakers.

"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" Pietro yelled. He had strange pink glasses and spiked hair. "Hey, Wanda, Fred, Toad! What are you jerks doing here?"

"Waiting on a new gig," Wanda said.

"I'm here to party like there's no tomorrow! My truck broke down and I'm feelin' sorrow!" One of Fred's lackeys played a quick banjo solo. "Livin' large, I'm high and in charge, I'm so big I fill a barge, my momma her name was Marge, saddle up, yo! You're momma's a ho! I ain't wearin' no 'fro!"

Lance then walked up to them. He looked exactly as he did ten years ago.

"Okay. What's all this?"

"We got a gig, yo."

"YO YO YO!"

"Yo, foo!"

"Yo, Yo, Yo! See, I know! There's some things you gotta understand about Toad!"

"SHUT UP!" Lance yelled. "Can't you idiots see we've been set up?!"

"That's right!" Kitty said, phasing through the wall. "There is no new gig. I just wanted you guys to patch things up!"

"Why?" Pietro asked.

"Because I'm so tired of Lance whining about the old band!"

"Ooh, let me guess! You married Kitty, Lance?! HA! You're a one-woman man! I KNEW IT!"

"SHUT UP, PIETRO! At least I've got a family to count on now! Once your career's done and your money's gone, you'll be jamming out in the alley!"

"No way! I've got too much style and talent for that to happen!"

"See, this is why we never got back together," Todd said.

"Then how about this," Kitty suggested. "You guys all make up, or I get a certain someone to settle this."

"Oh? Who?" As soon as Pietro asked, his truck tipped over. He climbed out quickly. "No way... not..."

"I'm afraid so, Pietro," Magneto said. "I am alive."

"NO! I KILLED YOU!"

"You killed a conveniently placed mechanical duplicate. But don't worry. I've given up my evil ways and I've joined the X-Men, and my old friend Charles, who is handsome and intelligent."

"Uh..."

"Now, all of you are going to get back together, or I'll have to kill you all." Suddenly, Magneto disappeared. Kitty gasped. Professor Xavier had been messing with their minds, but one of his wheels had fallen off, courtesy of a certain witch. Kitty quickly took the Professor and disappeared behind the wall. Beast, who had been hiding behind the truck to aid the illusion, also ran off.

"Look, if you guys want to be a band again, I'm all for it," Wanda said. "Just as long as you keep the egos down."

"Yeah, me too!" Todd agreed.

"The B.L.O-"

"You can stop that now, Fred."

"I wanna get back together again, too. Count me in!" Now it was all up to Lance and Pietro.

"Look, Pietro, I know we have our differences, but I'll admit it. I missed you, pal."

"Oh, you big lug!" Pietro ran to Lance and hugged him. Any hug from another guy would've been odd to Lance, but this hug lasted fifteen seconds.

"Pietro, you can let go..."

"Hey, have you been working o-"

"PIETRO!"

"Okay, okay. So it's settled. The Brotherhood is back!"

And so, The Brotherhood was a band again. Combining their unique styles, they formed their own unique sound that could not be placed in any genre... except now that were were two bands like this, there was competition. The Brotherhood didn't last long as a band, as their only other real rival, Asteroid Belt, had gained two new members and now stood as the most popular band in history. The Brotherhood returned to their old house to sulk.

"Okay, so we didn't make it as a band," Lance said. "So I guess that's that, huh?"

"Yeah. Just bums me that we can't go back to Asteroid Belt because Mystique and Sabretooth took our places."

"Well, at least we still have each other."

The following day, they all committed suicide.

**The End**

That should do it. Hey, anyone have fifty cents I could borrow?


	27. Patient Wanda

**The disclaimer is wondering why there is pretty much no Evo merchandise, and has decided to hold the CEO of Marvel hostage until that is corrected. If captured and convicted, the disclaimer faces quite a lengthy prison term, but on the bright side, if it succeeds, then Toad and Fred won't be sitting there alone like idiots on my shelf. Anyway, I needed some practice writing Wanda, so here you go. I know she's nicer now, but considering the circumstances here, you'd be pissed, too. Most of this is partially based on a true story. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Wanda sat on the back porch of her "home," the Brotherhood house, writing something in her little red notebook. She was writing... well, it doesn't matter what she was writing. She was enjoying some quiet time alone. Suddenly, the ground shook, and the word she was writing suddenly became "frustra7n------o". What was she writing? I told you it's not important. Besides, that's private.

"LANCE!" she yelled. Pietro flew out of a second-story window, landing a few feet away from his angry sister. "Pietro, what are you idiots up to now?"

"Hey, don't blame me! Lance is in one of his moods again. See, Kitt-"

"I don't care why he's upset! Just get him to cut it out, or I'll go do it myself!"

"R-r-right... okay, consider it done sis!" Pietro said nervously in usual motormouth fashion before running back into the house. Wanda sighed and returned to her seat. Just then, Pietro flew out the window. Again.

"PIETRO!"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Patient Wanda"  
King of the Worthless**

After hexing both Lance and Pietro, Wanda decided to relocated to the kitchen, where Fred was fixing himself a sandwich. He banged the knife inside the empty jar of mayonnaise, trying to get what he could out of it.

"Do you mind?!"

"Sorry... just that my sandwich isn't a sandwich without the-"

"Shut it! You're going to have your sandwich without mayonnaise, and you're going to like it!"

"Hey, calm down..." Then the jar shattered. "Right, I'll go have my sandwich in the living room." As Fred walked out, Todd hopped in. He jumped onto the table with Wanda's notebook between his legs.

"Hey babycakes, you busy?"

"Yes," Wanda said, with a deeply frustrated tone, "As a matter of fact, I am."

"That's too bad, 'cuz I was thinkin' we could go see a movie! Just th' two of us!"

"Look, Toad," Wanda said, holding in her anger, "I would just like to sit here, alone, and write. Is that too hard for you to understand?"

"Well... if you say so, sugarlips. How about tomorrow?"

"Leave me alone, Toad."

"Okay then, Saturday! Saturday night's always good! We'll take seats all th' way in th' back and make ou-" A quick hex bolt later, Todd was sitting on the dirt in a pile of shattered glass outside the kitchen. Wanda came to the conclusion that the kitchen was not a good place to find quiet time, and decided to relocate to the living room. All was quiet for a few moments, until Lance decided to strut in and sit down on his favorite armchair.

"Pretty quiet in here," Lance said. 

"Yes," Wanda said. Lance decided he'd fix that and turned the TV on. Wanda gave Lance a quick, evil glance, but hoped that he would keep it down. Lance was watching a crappy NBC sitcom. You know, the one where there's a guy and a girl and they do stuff and... oh, fuck. Okay, so all NBC sitcoms suck. Anyway, Lance would disagree. His laughter was loud enough to wake a deaf man in Ohio.

"Lance, would you mind keeping it down?" Wanda said through clenched teeth.

"No problem..." Lance tried, but couldn't resist laughing at the depressingly unfunny/hilarious antics of the crappy NBC sitcom's cast. Wanda's patience had run out. She pointed her hands at Lance. "Er, wait, no!"

"SHUT IT!" A split-second later, Lance found himself lying on the overturned kitchen table. He shook his head, stood back up, and walked back into the living room. "Get out!"

"Hey, that wasn't cool!"

"GET OUT!"

"Look, Wanda, just because you've got those powers doesn't mean you can boss us around!"

"Yeah, that's my job!" Pietro said as he ran in. "If you want some quiet time, why don't you just go to your room, huh?"

"Fine! I will!" Wanda stomped up the stairs and slammed her door shut.

"I thought getting rid of all those memories was supposed to make her nice," Lance said.

"She's just got too much of dad in her," Pietro sighed.

--------------------

Wanda made sure to lock her door. She pulled her chair up to the window for inspiration, and began to write. It didn't take long for her peace to be interrupted.

"Hi!" Kurt said.

"AAAH!" Wanda fell out of her chair, but quickly stood back up. "What are you doing here?!"

"Ah... I need a little favor, Wanda."

"Forget it! Go bug one of your own housemates!"

"Listen Wanda, I got a present for Amanda, and I need an unbiased opinion of it."

"It sucks. Get out."

"At least let me show it to you!" Wanda yelled in frustration. She pointed her hand at him and hexed him into teleporting out of the house. She muttered under he breath as she stood her chair up and continued to write.

"Hi Wanda!" Kitty said.

"WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP COMING FROM?!"

"Hey, I was just over here to talk to Lance, no need to get bitchy! I was wondering if you knew where he was, beca-"

"Oh, I'll SHOW you bitchy!" Kitty began to sink into the floor, but stopped halfway, stuck between floors.

"AAAH! HEY!"

"Have fun, Kitty," Wanda said with a tone that told Kitty that she had partially enjoyed hexing her. Wanda shut herself in the bathroom, hoping to finally get some peace and quiet. Ah, but the story goes on!

"Who's in there?! LEMME IN! LEMME IN!!"

"I'm in here, Pietro!"

"Wanda, this is an emergency!"

"You'll hold it and you'll like it!"

"He did hold it, and he did like it, but leave his fetishes out of this!" Todd yelled as he hopped by.

"I'll get you when I'm done with this, Toad! Now hurry up and let me in, sis!"

"NO."

"Oh... you're not gonna make me go in the bushes outside again, are you?!"

"I don't care where you do your business! This door is staying closed!"

"But the neighbors stare at me, and it's uncomfortable!"

"SHUT IT, PIETRO!"

"Awww..." With no other choice and time running out, Pietro ran out of the house. Wanda sighed. She continued with her writing when the door swung open.

"Huh? Oh, sorry Wanda!" Fred apologized. "Didn't know you were in here... just came in to get some deodorant."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, right..." Fred covered his eyes. "I didn't see anything."

"BLOB!" The can of deodorant exploded in Fred's hand. Fortunately, the flying metal shards didn't even scratch Fred, and he acted as a human wall, so Wanda was unharmed.

"Hey, I said I was sorry!" Fred then noticed Wanda's murderous gaze. "Right, I'll leave now."

--------------------

Wanda walked over to Bayville High. Being that it was after school, she was alone. She sat on a bench somewhere, under a tree, writing in her little red notebook.

"Hey there, little lady," Duncan Matthews said. "What are you doing here all alone? Sketching? How about doing a sketch of me?"

"I'm writing," Wanda said harshly.

"How about a poem dedicated to me?"

"Lay off, yo!" Todd appeared out of some bushes and propelled himself forward with his arms, kicking Duncan several feet. "You ain't gonna harrass my Wanda, y'hear me?!"

"Fuck off, Tolensky! She's not going for a freak like you!"

"ENOUGH!" Wanda yelled. "Toad, stop following me! And you, whoever the hell you are, if you're not out of here in five seconds, I'm going to break your legs!"

"Ooh, feisty..."

"One..."

"She ain't kiddin', Matthews. Havin' your legs broke ain't fun at all."

"Two..."

"I'm not afraid of her, OR you."

"Three... Toad, break his legs for me will you?"

"Sure thing, sweetcakes!" Toad jumped into the tree, then flew into the air, stomping down on Duncan. Unfortunately, he had landed on his arms. "Er... sorry. That good enough for you?"

"That's good enough, Toad. Now..." Wanda's hex bolt sent held Toad in the air before he flew into the tree.

"Owww..." Wanda took her notebook and walked towards another part of the school. She was stopped by Principal Kelly, who stayed after school like the rest of the faculty.

"Excuse me, young lady, but the school is closed."

"I'm not in the mood for this..."

"I don't recognize you. What's your name?"

"Leave me alone."

"Don't walk away from me!" Kelly yelled. Wanda didn't bother facing him as she hexed him into losing the friction in his feet, falling over, and hitting his head against the concrete. She found a nice, quiet spot on the front steps of the school. There was only one problem.

"Hey Wanda," Scott said. "The Professor sent me here to talk to you."

"What do you want?!"

"Well, we want you to join the X-Men."

"Why?"

"Because... uh... actually, we hadn't thought this far ahead. We just kinda assumed you'd agree."

"Well, I don't." Wanda didn't even threaten Scott. She just made his glasses shatter, forcing him to stay where he was, in his blind state. Wanda hexed the school doors into opening and walked inside. She found another quiet spot in the cafeteria, but once again, she was a victim of misfortune.

"Er... we didn't think anyone would be here," Kurt said. He and Amanda were on one of the lunch tables, a little... caught up in the moment. "As you can see, she liked ze necklace just fine!" The table fell apart. Kurt and Amanda stood up, adjusted themselves, and walked out of the cafeteria. Wanda sighed once again, and continued writing.

SUDDENLY, JUGGERNAUT RAMMED THROUGH THE WALL. ALL DESCRIPTIONS DEALING WITH JUGGERNAUT WILL BE CAPITALIZED.

"I'M UNSTOPPABLE!" JUGGERNAUT YELLED.

"Oh, just what I needed..." Wanda tried hexing him, but somehow, it didn't work. JUGGERNAUT JUST KEPT CHARGING AROUND LIKE A LUNATIC. HE BROKE WALLS DOWN AND PRETTY MUCH DESTROYED THE SCHOOL, THEN HE RAN OFF, SCREAMING. Wanda pulled herself out of the rubble. The rest of the X-Men had arrived... well, Kurt was busy elsewhere, Kitty was still stuck, and Evan was gone... so half the X-Men arrived.

"Where'd he go?" Jean asked. Cyclops had been given his visor.

"That way," Wanda said. Before the X-Men could do anything, the Brotherhood arrived... actually, just Avalanche and Blob, as Pietro was still busy elsewhere, and Todd was still stuck in a tree. They wasted no time in fighting the X-Men for no other reason then that they were the X-Men. Blob had already pinned Rogue before she could remove her gloves, and Avalanche had already made Cyclops lose his balanced. That just left Jean.

"Hey Wanda, help us out will ya?" Avalanche yelled.

"Oh, I WILL!" The rubble rose into the air, swirling around her as she screamed. The others dropped what they were doing. The time for fighting mindlessly had ended. Now was the time for panic.

Everyone ran from the site as Wanda hurled the remains of the school at them. Jean found herself pinned under a portion of her English class, Cyclops tripped over a desk and hit his head against a concrete boulder, Avalanche was buried under a pile of roof tiles, Blob had slipped on something and fell on his back, and Rogue was hit in the head by a flying mug.

"Ow!"

"SHUT IT!" Rogue decided to run for it before Wanda buried her, too. Once the dust had settled, nobody made a sound. She sat down a large slab of concrete, and continued writing... only there was a problem.

Wanda was no longer in the mood to write. She angrily threw her red notebook and walked off the pile of rubble, stomping on Avalanche's hand as she went.

**The End**

I promise I'll make Wanda nice next time. OR WILL I?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


	28. Brotherhood vs Brotherhood

**The disclaimer has been crushed during a recent trip to a mall, the day after Thanksgiving. We will now have a moment of silence for the disclaimer.**

Okay. Since all you damn X-Men fans have your worthless original team, us Brotherhood (and to a lesser extent Acolyte) fans will now have the original Brotherhood of Evil Mutants! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and excuse the grammar.

"CHECKMATE!" Pyro screamed, then laughed maniacally. Mastermind looked down at the game. Pyro had somehow made his first pawn jump over the other pieces and smack Mastermind's king off the board.

"I thought you said you knew how to play."

"I say a lot of things! Let's play checkers next!"

"Is he always like this?" Mastermind asked the others. Gambit and Colossus nodded. The steel door behind them opened and Magneto walked in, carrying his helmet. Everyone but Mastermind dropped what they were doing and stood at attention.

"As you were. Mastermind, come with me. We have business to take care of in New York."

"New York? Oh, good. I've needed a change of scenery since I got here." Sabretooth growled. "What exactly are we doing?"

"I'm looking for someone. We'll need to stop at Bayville first. There's someone else we'll need a little help from..."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Brotherhood vs. Brotherhood"  
King of the Worthless**

Pietro sat comfortably in the Brotherhood backyard, sipping on some lemonade... or he would, if there were any in his glass.

"Toad! More lemonade!"

"I'm comin'! I'm comin'!" Todd walked out of the house carrying a pitcher of lemonade with a lemon slice thrown in. Pietro held out his glass, not bothering to actually look at Todd. The younger mutant began to pour the lemonade for his dear friend...

"AAAH! TOAD!!" Pietro sat up, his pants now soaked with lemonade. "YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Listen to me, Pietro, I ain't gonna be your damn butler, okay? You can't boss us around no more! If you keep this up, I'm tellin' Wanda about your little secret!"

"What little secret?" Wanda asked as she walked outside.

"Er..." Todd then told Wanda that Pietro had taken fifteen dollars from her. Though hexed and thrown against the side of the house a few times, Pietro got Todd's message. Inside, Pietro rubbed some water on his wounds.

"I bluffed for ya this time, but that was a warnin'. Wanda finds out your other little secret, you ain't gonna walk it off so easily."

"Keep in mind, Toad, if you tell her, she'll be just as mad at you for keeping it from her."

"Yeah, well, I... er... fuck."

Pietro grinned. "Looks like you owe me some lemonade, froggy." Pietro snapped his fingers. "C'mon! Get to it!"

"Right, Pietro... er... sir."

"That's more like it." Pietro crossed his arms and watched Todd hop down the stairs with his usual sly smile. Lance walked by, carrying a small radio that seemed to be picking up random frequencies.

"Damn things busted again," Lance said.

"Hey, the tuner's moving..." Pietro noticed the railing of the stairs was shaking, too. "Oh." 

The front door flew open and Magneto hovered in. Lance groaned and set the radio down.

"Hey, can you ever show up without making a fuss?!"

"Silence!" The radio knocked Lance on the head and sent him to dreamland. "Pietro, I need you and Wanda to come with me."

"Ooh, a mission!" Todd yelled. "Count me in!"

"...Your services will not be required, Toad."

"Aw, c'mon! You let Sabretooth do stuff for ya, and when's th' last time he's ever done anythin' right?"

"Sabretooth is..." Magneto then realized that Todd had a point. "I see. Very well, Toad. You can come if you agree to follow my orders and do nothing without said orders. Understood?"

"Gotcha, daddy-in-law!"

"And stop calling me that." 

"Daddy!" Wanda squealed. She jumped on Magneto with her arms around his neck. "Come to visit me?"

"Yes, sweetie pie! We're going on a trip!"

"Ooh, really! Is Pietro coming?"

"Yes... and so is Toad."

"And so is..." Wanda looked down at the crouching Todd. He grinned at her. Wanda let go of her father. "Oh."

"Hey, what about us?" Fred asked.

"I will not be needing you," Magneto said. He walked out the door, followed by Pietro, Wanda and Todd. Lance and Fred smirked.

--------------------

Toad, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, and Mastermind sat in the middle of a park somewhere, waiting for Magneto. He had led them there, but he had an emergency matter to take care of.

"You know," Mastermind said to Scarlet Witch, "I've always liked the color red... it suits you so beautifully..."

"Lay off, pops, that's my girl."

"I don't see a ring on her finger... at least not a wedding ring."

"Both of you, shut it!" She waved her hands. A squirrel fell on Toad's head, and a thin tree branch fell on Mastermind.

"Every rose does indeed have it's thorns..."

"Dammit, pops, I said lay off!" Suddenly, Mastermind's appearance changed. He became a handsome young blonde man. Toad recognized this young, Swedish man...

"Yes, my dear, you are indeed a rose," Mastermind said, taking her hand and forgetting to put on an accent, though his voice was different enough to be convincing. She giggled, somehow having completely forgotten that he had been an ugly old man a few seconds earlier.

"Aw, c'mon! That ain't fair!"

"Hmm, must be tough losing the girl to your own dad, huh?" Quicksilver said with an amused smile. Toad sneered.

"My dear, you cerainly are a witch, I am under your spell."

"Oh, I bet you say that to all the witches!" Magneto arrived, carrying with him five metal spheres, one of which was his Big Boss Orb, the slightly bigger one that made sure everyone knew which sphere carried the leader.

"Are you all rea-" Magneto noticed Mastermind holding his giggling daughter's hand.

"It's too bad you can't see his illusions," Quicksilver said, "The contrast between the real Mastermind and this new face would probably make you laugh."

"I am not in a laughing mood."

"You never are..." Magneto scowled. "Er..."

"We'll talk about this later. Mastermind, cut it out," he said in an annoyed (but still evil and spooky) tone.

"Oh... ew..." Scarlet Witch got up and walked away from the bench. Mastermind shrugged, as this happened to him quite often.

"Man, no more of that," Toad said.

"Alright, alright, I'll find myself another young lovely to trick. Don't say I never made any sacrifices for you." They all climbed into the spheres and left for New York. 

--------------------

"Hello boys," Mystique said. She said it as if she had been in the house for the last month. She opened the refrigerator and took a bottle of water.

"Uh... hi, Mystique," Lance said. "How's life?"

"Oh, just fine. What have you and Blob been up to?"

"Uh... the usual. Any particular reason you decided to show up again?"

"I'm glad you asked! You see, Magneto is planning something in New York. I have a double-agent working for him. Tell the others to get ready."

"Well... the 'others' is just Fred, so lemme get that taken care of. HEY FRED! MYSTIQUE'S HERE! GET IN YOUR BATTLE SUIT!"

"Just Blob? Where are the others?"

"I'm glad you asked! You see, Magneto is planning something in New York. He has double-agents working here!"

"What?! Pietro is no surprise, but Wanda and Toad, too?!"

"Well... Wanda's a little complicated. Toad's just following her."

"AARGH!" Mystique crumpled the bottle. "Then we'll have to try something else. Lance, you know the number to the Xavier mansion. Give them a call."

--------------------

Magneto stepped out of his Big Boss Orb and stepped on the hard roof of some building, where Mastermind, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch and Toad waited. They had arrived somewhere in New York, sometime after seven. Toad knew this because he was hungry... or it could've been later, he had metal-sphere-lag.

"So what are we doin' exactly?"

"The mutant we seek is located somewhere in this area. Mastermind was able to do some research beforehand and determined that he is here, in New York."

"More specifically, he's in this apartment building."

"Yes. Pietro, Wanda, Toad, check the building."

"Wait, what does he look like?" Wanda asked.

"You'll know him when you see him," Mastermind said. Magneto opened the door to the stairway and the three young mutants climbed down. Quicksilver ran through the first two floors looking for anything suspicious, while Scarlet Witch and Toad searched more thoroughly.

"Hi," Wanda said to an old man. She noticed he looked normal. "Bye." 

"Hmm... sugarcakes, I found him!" Toad pointed down the hall, where little light reaches.

"How can you tell?"

"I can see in th' dark! You didn't know?"

"So when you said you couldn't see anything you actually saw everything?!" Scarlet Witch roared, referencing an earlier incident.

"Er... see, I was blindfolded!"

"I'll deal with you later, Toad! Just lead me to him!" Toad turned on a flashlight and hopped down the hall, where they found a strange, green-skinned man with spikes growing from his cheeks.

"Hi kids! I'm Bob."

"Nice to meet you, Bob," Scarlet Witch said. "We're mutants, like... LOOK AT MY FACE WHEN I TALK TO YOU!"

"Aw, don't yell!"

"...Anyway, we know what it's... I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!"

"Hey! No need to get bitchy!" Bob's eyes turned red and the building began to shake. Quicksilver appeared just then.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know!" Scarlet Witch aimed her fingers at him. The shaking then stopped. For a brief moment it returned, but then it stopped again. The fire escape outside ripped through the wall and wrapped around Bob. Scarlet Witch continued her counter-hex on him. Magneto and Mastermind stood in the alley outside. Quicksilver ran down the side of the building while Scarlet Witch held on to Toad as he hopped down.

"Bet you can't let go, huh?" With her hands busy with Bob, she motioned for Quicksilver to slap him.

"This is Bob," Magneto explained. "He has the same hex powers as Wanda. With both hex spells keeping each other in check, Mastermind can now move in and do his part." Mastermind nodded and forced his hand against Bob's face. Before anything else could be attempted, Nightcrawler appeared out of nowhere and teleported away with Bob. With nothing to hold back her hex bolt, Scarlet Witch accidentally blew a hole into one of the walls.

"What?" Nightcrawler appeared on the opposite sidewalk, where Rogue waited. "X-Men," Magneto murmured.

"Not quite," Mystique said. She stepped out from the opposite alley, followed by Avalanche, Blob and Pyro. 

"Mystique... Pyro! You traitorous slime..."

"Aw, relax Mags!" Pyro yelled. "No need to get all hot and bothered!" Pyro fired a straight line of fire at Magneto and the others, who all dodged it. Pyro split the flame so that a little trail followed each. Magneto lifted Pyro by his flame tank, but Mystique jumped at him with a hard kick to the chest.

"Hey, just why are you working with Mystique?" Quicksilver as Rogue as he held her arms behind her.

"The Professor's idea, he said we needed family bonding time..." Rogue leaned forward and threw Quicksilver at Blob, but he slipped away. Toad jumped on Avalanche's shoulders and spat a thick glob of slime on the top of his helmet.

"Toad! I can't see!"

"That's a shame, ain't it?" Toad kicked off, sending Avalanche to the ground. Nightcrawler teleported right in his path and tackled him in midair. Scarlet Witch hexed Nightcrawler into teleported away. Nightcrawler remained in motion as he appeared a foot off the ground. He hit his head and was out of the battle. Both teams regrouped. One one side of the street, Magneto stood with Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Mastermind and Toad. On the opposite sidewalk, Mystique was joined by Avalanche, Blob, Pyro and Rogue.

"Face them one on one, but Magneto is mine!" Mystique ordered. For some reason, Toad went straight for Pyro. His wad of slime was quickly charred, and only a small cloud of ash reached the target. Pyro set both flamethrowers at their highest and created a large flame bull. Toad panicked and hopped as fast as he could from the charging bull.

Scarlet Witch faced off against Avalanche near a lamp post. Avalanche had wiped off enough slime to see and brought up the concrete beneath the lamp post and toppled it. Scarlet Witch managed to shove it over, and it instead fell on Avalanche.

Quicksilver once again went right to Rogue. He ran around her, taunting her with his speed, until she stuck her foot out and tripped him. Quicksilver rolled down the street several yards, with mixed 'ah's' and 'ow's.'

Blob and Mastermind faced each other, neither of the two making a single movement. Blob chuckled. Mastermind had already won the battle. Blob believed Mastermind was a television set.

Mystique dodged whatever objects Magneto threw at her in an attempt to keep her away, but she moved in and kicked him in the chest, then spun around and kicked him in the head, knocking his helmet off. Magneto threw it at her and hit her right in the forehead. Elsewhere, Blob snapped out of his trance as Rogue grabbed Mastermind's neck. She waved her hands, and everyone stopped. They seemed to believe they were in some dream world. Magneto and Mystique watched as the others walked around aimlessly. Then, everyone saw Quicksilver as Magneto, and everyone charged for him.

"Give Bob up to us, or your son is in for a world of pain!" Mystique told Magneto.

"I..." Magneto looked around. "Where is Bob?" Rogue stopped the illusion and looked around. "Where is Bob?!"

"..."

"Don't tell me none of you saw where he went?!"

"Well... uh... we..."

"AAARGH! IMBECILES!" Magneto punched a wall in anger.

"Wait, I found him!" Toad yelled. "But... uh... he's kinda dead, yo."

"Kind of dead...?" Magneto flew to where Toad indicated. Bob had been stabbed by muggers. After all, this WAS New York. Magneto sighed. "Very well..."

"This isn't over, Magneto!" Mystique yelled.

"Ah, fuck this," Avalanche said. "I'm hungry. C'mon, Fred, let's get something to eat."

"Took the words right out of my mouth."

"Hey, wait for me!" Toad yelled. Quicksilver shrugged and followed them.

"You won't leave me, right pumpkin?" Magneto said.

"Sorry, daddy." Scarlet Witch went to join the others.

"BAH! You'll regret this when your birthday comes around!"

"Hey, wait up!" Rogue yelled. Mystique gasped as her daughter joined them. It seemed teenagers in weird costumes had to stick together.

"They grow up too quickly," Mystique said.

"It was like just yesterday I was holding Pietro away from me and hoping he wouldn't drool on my tie... the years do go by quickly."

"Yes, they do," Mastermind said.

"Sorry, Mastermind," Mystique told him. "You didn't raise anyone."

"Well neither did you."

"I... alright, you've made your point. I'm going to go wait outside whatever restaurant they're going to so I can yell at Rogue for being an inconsiderate daughter." Only Magneto, Mastermind and Pyro remained. Magneto called his helmet to him and looked down at Pyro.

"I... aaaah..." Pyro shook his head. "Aw, where am I?"

"It looks like he was under someone's control," Mastermind suggested. "This was Xavier's idea, after all."

"Charles, why must you always interfere... very well. Come. We must prepare for tomorrow night."

"What are we doing tomorrow night?"

"The same thing we do every night, Mastermind... try to end our miserable lives."

**The End**

That should be enough for you! If it's not, then I'll be forced to pluck your eyes out.


	29. Mutant Christmas Carol

**The disclaimer is out building an igloo, which it plans to melt over itself in an attempt to take its own life. I'm going to try a script format this time, just to take a break from actual narrative. Charles Dickens will rise out of his grave later tonight to punish me for this, but I'm doing it anyway. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

X-Men: Evolution  
"Mutant Christmas Carol"  
King of the Worthless

(Scene: A small shop at the edge of Bavyille. Charles Xavier sits behind a desk, counting money)

Xavier- Ah, how I love myself. I'm glad I got out of the mutant training business and decided to become an accountant! SUMMERS!

Scott- Yes, Professor Xavier?

Xavier- Hurry up with the accounts!

Scott- Yes, sir...

(Scott continues writing. Xavier reclines in his wheelchair. Suddenly, Scott stops)

Scott- Excuse me, sir... could I have some coal... to keep warm?

Xavier- You want coal? You've got your mutant powers! Use those to keep warm.

Scott- But I have force beams, not heat beams!

Xavier- Well that's your problem, isn't it?

Scott- Please sir...

Xavier- Coal costs money. You have money to pay for it?

Scott- Yes, sir, I-

Xavier- Not on your salary!

Scott- But sir, I make a good salary here.

Xavier- Uh... not anymore! Federal law mandates a 30 paycut every Christmas, so that people will become more frustrated and depressed when they can't afford presents for their loved ones and kill themselves, effectively keeping the population down! You know how it is.

Scott- Yes, sir... oh, it's quitting time, sir!

Xavier- Right. Out of my sight.

Scott- Could I have tomorrow off? It's Christmas.

Xavier- Christmas? Humbug.

Scott- It's also my birthday.

Xavier- Humbug.

Scott- And my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

Xavier- Okay, here's the deal... I give you five seconds to get out, and you keep your job. If you are not out of my sights in five seconds, I will-

(Hank McCoy barges in, along with Ororo)

Hank- Hi, Uncle Charles!

Xavier- Damn you! I was threatening my employees! Ororo, why did you marry this fool?

Ororo- Because you force me to, Uncle Charles.

Xavier- Oh, right, McCoy was so full of promise... then he turned all furry. Ha, what a world!

Hank- Say, Uncle Charles-

Xavier- I am not your uncle!

Hank- Ororo's Uncle Charles, sir, would you like to come over for Christmas dinner?

Ororo- Yeah, we're having duck.

Xavier- And you decided to invite me? What are you, crazy?

Hank- A little.

Xavier- Okay, you can take Summers.

Scott- What?!

Xavier- I gave you five seconds, and you're still here. Summers, you are officially employeed by these two.

Hank- Uh...

Ororo- You're not coming over.

Scott- No!

(Scott runs out and blasts a car, then runs home, crying)

Xavier- Anyway, I best be on my way.

Hank- So you'll come?

Xavier- "Yes."

Ororo- Yay!

(Xavier rolls out of the shop. As he goes towards his house, he is stopped by Kurt and Kitty)

Kurt- Hello, Professor!

Xavier- Hello. Goodbye.

Kitty- No, wait! We're collecting for the poorhouses!

Xavier- Collecting what?

Kurt- Money, silly. Zere's an awful lot of unemployment due to ze mandatory 35 paycut.

Xavier- It's 35 this year?! That means my employees owe me 5!

Kitty- What should we sign you up as?

Xavier- Nothing.

Kurt- You wish to be anonymous?

Xavier- Yes. I wish to donate.

(Xavier writes a check for $0)

Kitty- Thank you so much, Professor!

Xavier- Anytime, Kitty!

(Xavier snickers. It's a good thing Kurt and Kitty have the combined brainpower of a lobster. Xavier returns home. He goes inside the Institute and into his room. He locks the door and rolls over to his desk. He gets a book, and begins to read)

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- What?

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- What?!

Logan- Xaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr...

Xavier- Dammit, man, what do you want?!

(Logan's ghost walks through the door, carrying chains and Danger Room weaponry)

Xavier- What do you want?

Logan- Charles Xavieeeeer, I am here to warn yooooooouuuuu!

Xavier- Warn me about what? Why are you talking like that?

Logan- Aren't you scaaaaaaaaaared?

Xavier- Scared? Of course not! You've been here every day since you died! Just last night we had tea together!

Logan- We did?

Xavier- Anyway, what'll it be tonight? Up for a game of Twister?

Logan- Nooooo! Three ghosts will visit you tonight!

Xavier- You did this last week!

Logan- No I didn't!

Xavier- Yes, you did! And each time, it was just you with a different hat!

Logan- Well this time it's for real, bub! The first ghost will appear at the stroke of twelve! The second will appear at the stroke of one! The third will appear at the stroke of one oh one!

Xavier- What? Not two?

Logan- No, the third dislikes long waits. Remember Charles, you will end up like me!

Xavier- No, I'm afraid I won't be dragging Danger Room weaponry around. I wasn't as hard on them as you were, so I'll just be dragging my Cerebro helmet.

Logan- Look, whatever, I've got a plane to catch.

(Logan draws his claws and flies out the window towards a plane, screaming all the day. Xavier glances at the clock. It's twelve)

Xavier- Bah. No ghost.

(Suddenly, the clock turns into the Ghost of Christmas Past... but we'll call her Mystique)

Mystique- Charles Xavier.

Xavier- Oh, hello, Mystique.

Mystique- Alright, I only agreed to do this because someone guaranteed that I'd be well paid. I'm going to do this as quick as possible and without drama.

Xavier- Who's paying you?

Mystique- Why Logan, of course. He sent me here to annoy you.

(Suddenly, Xavier and Mystique are in Bayville... 20 years ago. Young Charles is running around the yard with Young Cain)

Cain- You can't stop me!

Charles- Oh yeah? Daddy loves me best!

Cain- Shut up, SHUT UP!

Charles- You'll never be as good as me!

Cain- DADDY!

Daddy- Shut up, you two, I hate you equally!

Mystique- Oh, you've come a long way from then...

Xavier- That never happened. Can we move on?

Mystique- Oh, right.

(Mystique morphs into a young Storm)

Storm- Remember me, Charles?

Xavier- No.

Storm- Huh? I was your first love!

Xavier- No, you're my niece.

Storm- You've got some dark secrets, uncle Charlie.

Xavier- ...I'll ignore that. My first love was Moira McTaggert... or was it Amelia Voght? Or was it-

Mystique- Alright, whatever, you lost your first love because you were greedy and arrogant.

Xavier- No, it was because I was bald!

Mystique- Same thing! Anyway, it's late. Your first love left you, and your life sucks. Bye!

(Mystique morphs into a raven and flies off. Suddenly, Xavier is back in his room)

Xavier- Hmm... bad dream. Hey, it's two...

(Sabretooth appears on the balcony)

Xavier- Hello, Victor. You just missed Logan...

Sabretooth- I'm here to give you a tour of the town. Wait, wait, before we go, I have to fulfill part of the deal.

(Suddenly, the room is filled with raw meat. Sabretooth quickly devours it all)

Xavier- Right, the Ghost of Christmas Present is a glutton, I get it.

Sabretooth- What? No, I was supposed to do this ghost gig and then finish the stock at the butcher's shop, or it'd just rot while he's visiting the in-laws. Now then, I'm going to take you across town...

(Suddenly, Xavier and Sabretooth are right outside Scott Summers' house. Inside is Jean Grey-Summers, combing her hair)

Scott- Jean, honey, is the Christmas roast almost ready?

Jean- Huh? Oh, what?

Scott- We had a Christmas dinner planned, just the two of us!

(Suddenly, Evan limps on, with a bone-crutch)

Scott- Oh yeah, and you. Jean, why did we adopt him again?

Jean- I thought it was your idea.

Scott- Oh, right. Like I'd do that. Now where's dinner?

Sabretooth- Summers and his family don't have enough to eat, because you keep cutting his salary.

Xavier- Hey, I never told him to marry her OR to adopt him! That's all his fault!

Sabretooth- Yeah, maybe so, but... er... alright, that's enough of that. Let's go check out the gutter.

(Sabretooth and Xavier are inside a tunnel filled with homeless families)

Sabretooth- While you're getting GREEDY and FAT, these people starve.

Xavier- But... why do you pity them? Wouldn't you much rather eat them?

Sabretooth- No! I could never... I... DAMN YOU XAVIER!

Xavier- HAHAHAHAHAH!!

(Sabretooth disappears)

Xavier- Hey! You forgot me! HEY!

(The homeless families are gone. Instead, there's the Brotherhood minus Toad and plus Rogue huddling near a burning drum, looking through a pile of stuff)

Xavier- Huh?

Lance- Haha, check this out! An old derby!

Fred- Better yet, I got his wheelchair!

Pietro- Nah, that doesn't hold a candle to this antique candlestick! It's worth thousands!

Rogue- Even better! I got Cerebro!

Wanda- Let's see what else is here...Ah! A set of DVDs!

Xavier- What is this? Who are these people?

Magneto- They are bums.

Xavier- Third ghost? Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?

Magneto- Yes, Charles. I was told that I was not to speak, but this story has no visual aides.

Xavier- Who's that?

(Scott arrives, now much older. He tosses a bone crutch to Lance)

Scott- He's dead! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

Pietro- Evan dead?! NOOOOOO!!

Rogue- Wha-?!

Pietro- Uh... sarcasm... yes... you idiot.

Xavier- Oh, spirit, this is great news!

(Magneto takes Xavier to a graveyard. Next to Evan's grave is Xavier's grave)

Xavier- So soon? Can I change this?

Magneto- Yes. In three years, Storm will ask you to join her on a trip to Africa. You may go, but beware the... oh, time's up. Goodbye, Charles!

Xavier- Wait! Beware the what?! BEWARE THE WHAT?!

(Xavier wakes up. He looks out the window to see Todd)

Xavier- You there, what day is it?

Todd- Groundhog's day, yo. You outta that coma?

Xavier- WHAT?!

Todd- Nah, just fuckin' with ya. It's Christmas.

Xavier- Oh... quick! Find the biggest turkey you can find and buy it! I'll pay you back!

(Todd comes back with the turkey. Xavier takes it and arrives at the Summers residence)

Scott- Professor! I-

(Xavier beats Scott over the head with the turkey. When he's done, he looks over to Jean and Evan with an evil stare)

Xavier- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

**The End**

I've always been fascinated by the concept that deep down, kindly old Xavier is really a twisted sadistic psycho. Look, I know I used the same line to close two different fics, but c'mon, it's a good line.


	30. Santa Claus vs The Brotherhood

**The disclaimer is busy filling everyone's stockings! How sweet of it... wait, it's filling the stockings with candy canes... LACED WITH CYANIDE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha... Anyway, aren't you tired of those sappy Christmas specials with Santa Claus coming by and making everyone happy? Yeah, we have Hanna-Barbera to blame, but I can't just go assault their headquarters, so I'll do this instead. If you're a devout Christian, please, for the love of God, don't read this! Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

The Brotherhood gathered in the living room, in front of the fire, one cold December night. They drank hot chocolate from hot mugs, some with marshmallows. Fred, Lance and Tabitha sat on the couch while Todd crouched on the mantle and Pietro leaned against it.

"Christmas has never really been a good time for me," Pietro said. In the corner of the living room, they had decorated a houseplant with a few lights. "I don't remember my parents getting me anything good."

"Yeah, me neither," Lance said. "All I ever got from anyone was a dirty look."

"Aw, I was lucky!" Fred said. "We'd always go over to grandma's for Christmas, and we'd have this huge feast, and then afterward we'd go open presents! One year, I got this brand new bike, it was so awesome! I broke it two years later, but it was fun while it lasted!"

"Hmm... Christmas was fun, until my parents started to drift apart," Tabitha said. She took a sip of her chocolate. "We'd open a present on Christmas Eve, then we'd open the rest on Christmas morning. I was so excited, I couldn't sleep!"

"I couldn't either. I knew Santa Claus was after me," Todd said.

"I always hated that myth," Fred said. "It's just an excuse to get kids to be nice."

"You're wrong, Fred, Santa's real, and he's one evil bastard."

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Santa Claus vs. The Brotherhood"  
King of the Worthless**

In Todd's room, the Brotherhood gathered...

...Or rather, they didn't.

"I don't care what you want to show us, Toad, I'm not going in there!" Pietro yelled. The others nodded in agreement.

"Alright, alright, I'll bring th' stuff out then." Todd hopped into his room and came out with a shoebox covered in old socks and crumbs. He dusted the junk off and opened the box.

"Wow, Toad, I always wanted to see what the inside of an empty box looked like," Tabitha said.

"Huh? Wrong box..." Todd threw the box back in, then hopped after it. He came back out with the same box. He opened it to reveal a stack of pictures.

"Whoa... hey, how did you do that?" Fred asked.

"Do what?"

"The thing... with the box!"

"What thing?"

"This isn't the same box?"

"It is. What about it?"

"Forget it..." They looked through the photos. Most were just out-of-focus shots of Bayville from Todd's unsuccessful photography hobby a few years prior, but at the bottom of the stack...

"Okay, Toad, it's your dad in a Santa costume," Lance said. "Very enlightening."

"No, no, it ain't my dad, it's the real Santa! An' look what he has in his hands! I remember it like it was yesterday..."

--------------------------------------------

"It's Christmas Eve, yo!" A six-year-old Todd yelled. He ran around the house, not yet capable of hopping. Mrs. Tolensky stopped him in the hallway.

"Todd, you'd better get to bed if you want Santa to come!"

"Okay, mom!" Todd quickly ran into his room and jumped into bed. After a few hours, he was awakened by the sound of bells jingling and the sound of hooves on the roof. He crept out of his room and hid behind the stairway and watched as Santa himself came down the chimney.

"Ho ho ho! I see you back there, little Todd!" Santa said. Todd smiled and stepped out of his hiding place.

"Hi, Santa!"

"Well hello! Todd, have you been a good little boy this year?" Santa asked as he took a long, narrow package out of his bag.

"Yes, Santa! I've been very good this year!" Todd couldn't wait to open the box. What could it be? A pogo stick? A telescope? He didn't care, anything from Santa was good!

"You goddamn liar!" Santa yelled. "You've been very naughty this year!"

"What?! No! I swear I was good!"

"Yes, you were... until you sent me your letter! Now, this might seem a little sudden, Todd, but here's how it is: this year, eighty-six percent of children around the world asked for happiness and health for their families, in addition to a regular list of toys."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Everything! We check orders using a new computerized system, that immediately processes children's wishes and sends them to the factory lanes where they are handled as soon as possible! However, we can't offer happiness OR health because those are out of our control, and our computer has to be rebooted everytime it tries to process those!"

"So why does that make me bad?"

"Because I promised to myself that the next kid that asked for happiness and health for their families would instead recieve death and misery for their families! Exactly one-third of a second after I said that, your wish crashed our computer! So now, it's time for your presents, kid!" Santa tore open the long package to reveal an assault rifle.

"AAAAH! I didn't mean to, Santa! I swear!"

"It's too late, boy!" Santa ran up the stairs and burst into Todd's parents' room.

"Hey... wha?" Mr. Tolensky said. Just as he sat up to get a better look, Santa fired and killed him and his wife. Todd burst into tears as Santa laughed maniacally and flew back up the chimney.

--------------------------------------------

"Yeah, that's real sad, Toad," Pietro said, "But I find it hard to believe. One, you said you never had parents, two, nobody ever calls you 'Todd' and three, aren't you Jewish?"

"Uh... anyway, this year I've got you guys on my side, so I'm gettin' my revenge! Here's th' plan- we send Santa a letter askin' for some toys, and when he gets here, we nail 'im!"

"Toad, that's your worst idea yet!" Lance yelled.

"Oh, c'mon!" Tabitha said. "It couldn't hurt, and what if he's right?"

"Tabby, you're agreeing with him?!"

"I'm just saying that we've got nothing to lose. C'mon, I'll get started on the letter, and you guys set up the trap."

"No, YOU set up the trap. I've got some shopping to do."

"Shopping? For us?" Pietro asked.

"What? No! For Kitty! Like I'm going to waste my money on you!" 

--------------------------------------------

The Brotherhood drove the jeep to a mailbox the next day to drop off the letter on their way to get something to eat. As Tabitha slipped the letter in, she was hit on the shoulder by a snowball.

"Hey! Who threw that?!"

"Wasn't us," Pietro said.

"Oh yeah?" Tabitha rolled up some snow and slipped a bomb into it. "Is that how you wanna play?"

"No, really! It wasn't us!" Lance said.

"If you want a snowball fight, you're getting one!" She threw the snowball, which Pietro quickly swatted. It exploded nearby, on the other side of a small snow fort. Quickly, a few people ran out from behind it.

"Huh? Hey, it's the geeks!" Lance yelled. Scott, Kurt, Rogue, Evan, Jean and Kitty stood beside the snow fort.

"So it's going to be like that, huh?" Rogue said. She scooped up a snowball and tossed it upward. Jean sent it flying right at Lance's face. The Brotherhood got out of the jeep and began to scoop up their own snowballs.

"Heads up!" Pietro scooped two snowballs and tossed them, then quickly scooped up two more. Scott deflected one of them, but the other hit Jean in the head. She stopped his second set in midair and hurled them back at him.

Kurt dodged one of Todd's snowballs by teleporting away. He appeared right in front of Todd, only to get a snowball directly in the face. Todd jumped backwards to avoid Kurt's own snowball.

Fred used his large hands to gathered a larger mass of snow, making a sort of snow cannonball. He drew his arm back and tossed it with great force at Scott, who fired at it. It splattered all over the X-Men, but they still weren't down. Scott looked down at the ground and fired, his blast flinging snow in the opposite direction. Pietro avoided it, and the others hid in a straight line behind Fred.

Evan tossed another snowball at Tabitha and hit her in the face. Tabitha once again made a snowbomb and tossed it over. Kurt slapped it away with his tail, and in an effort to send it back at them, Todd jumped up and kicked it back, but instead detonated it and found himself head-first in a pile of snow.

"Awww..."

"Man down!" Tabitha yelled. As Lance pulled Todd out, Pietro switched into machine-gun mode and hurled snowballs at the X-Men like hail. Jean and Scott tried to deflect most of them, but a few kept landing in. Kitty phased through a few, but one finally hit her in the chest. 

"This has gone far enough!" Scott yelled. "X-Men! In positon!" The X-Men lined up side by side, each with two snowballs in each hand. First, they fired in unison with their left arms, then their right. After the snowballs hit, they scooped another set and prepared to fire again.

"It's time we change strategy, too!" Lance yelled, right after pulling Todd out. "Brotherhood, time for the snowstorm!" Fred stepped forward to act as a human wall, while Todd and Pietro hid behind him. Tabitha tossed several bombs into the snow, concentrating to keep them from going off. Lance forced the ground to flip upward like a carpet, sending all of the snow on it flying off in a whiplash effect. The snow rained down on the X-Men like a small blizzard, covering everyone.

"Now, Tabby!"

Tabitha set the bombs that had been hidden in the snow off, much to the annoyance of the X-Men that the bombs happened to be on top of. The Brotherhood had a good laugh and piled back into the jeep. As they drove off, Todd stuck his tongue out to give them the raspberry.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

And got it caught on a frozen stop sign, yanking him out of the jeep violently. The Brotherhood collectively groaned and the jeep backed up.

--------------------------------------------

After lunch, the Brotherhood walked through the mall. Actually, during the holiday season nobody walks through the mall, everyone shuffles very, very slowly.

"Arghhh... this is so irritating!" Pietro yelled. "Fred, plow through these people, will you?"

"I can't... I can't even get my arms free! Lance, make it shake, or something!"

"What, and risk having the mall cave in on us? Tabby, scare someone off with a bomb."

"Not unless I decide I don't want a left hand anymore! Toad, scare someone off with your face."

"Haha, very funny. Pietro, try an'... aw, forget it."

"Okay, here goes nothing," Lance said. "OH MY GOD! ALL PRICES AT KAY-BEE TOYS HAVE JUST DROPPED ANOTHER EIGHTY PERCENT?! YOU'RE KIDDING!"

"Uh... NO! I AM NOT!" Todd yelled. "MY FRIEND'S WORKIN' THERE RIGHT NOW! HE SAID TH' SALE'S PROBABLY GONNA CLEAR ALL THEIR MERCHANDISE WITHIN MINUTES!"

"NO WAY! THAT'S AMAZING!" They looked around. "Okay, the crowd seems to be slowly changing directions. It was worth a try." Suddenly, the crowd scattered. "I'm a genius. We'll meet at the fountain at noon. Let's try to get back in one piece."

--------------------------------------------

Lance was busy wrapping everyone else's presents in his room. Suddenly, Fred walked in.

"Hey Lance, we've got two more... is that my present?"

"What? Uh... this?" Lance pointed to a rather large, wrapped box, which was actually the only one there. "Uh... I can't tell you. It might be, it might not."

"Aw, c'mon! Just a peek!"

"Dammit, Fred, you're gonna have to wait 'til Christmas like everyone else!"

"It's not an exercise machine, is it? I already told you, it's a genetic thing."

"No, it's not even yours, Fred. Out of my room."

"But-"

"Out." Fred walked off, grumbling. Lance took the present and walked out of his room. On his way out of the house, he noticed Pietro and Tabitha arguing over dinner preparations. He ignored them and walked out.

"Are you crazy, Pietro?! We can't afford duck!"

"Yeah, since when do we pay for our own meals?!"

"Look, we'll have to settle for turkey! Turkey's just fine! Plus, we got a second turkey at half-price, so now Fred can get his fill."

"Hmph. I'll cook it, but I won't like it." Todd hopped in and opened the fridge. Finding nothing worth snacking on, he jumped onto the stove and started catching flies swarming around the garbage can. Suddenly, he screamed and jumped upward, hitting his head against the ceiling and falling down to the floor.

"Oops," Tabitha said. "Left the stove on, sorry!" 

--------------------------------------------

After dinner, the Brotherhood exchanged gifts. Fred was rather disappointed to learn that the large box was for Kitty and not him. Instead, Lance had gotten him a French cookbook. And Todd had given him an Italian cookbook. And Tabitha had given him a Mexican cookbook. Finally, he unwrapped Pietro's present- a dessert cookbook.

"You guys are the best! Now if I just knew where to find half of these ingredients... anyone know what 'huevos rancheros' is?"

Lance, on the other hand, didn't get anything new. A new shirt, a new vest, new gloves, and a new pair of pants, without holes. Exactly what he always wore. Well, in a way, he did got something new. But still...

"New shirt, new gloves, new pants, and a new vest. Just what I'm wearing now, except cleaner and less faded. I guess I could use this... it'll take a while to get them faded.

Tabitha was next. Being that she was the newest member, the others didn't quite know her well enough to know what to get her. Lance had given her Festering Boils CD which she already had. Fred had given her a $15 gift certificate to Wherehouse Music. Pietro had given her ear muffs, strangely enough, and Todd had given her some marbles in a bag. Not that she didn't like marbles, but she preferred exploding ones.

Todd probably enjoyed his gifts more than the others. Lance had given him an old chess set that he had gotten from someone else, even though Todd hadn't told anyone that he liked chess. Fred gave him some sort of bug collector's book, which was like a hardcover field guide and menu in one. Pietro had given him a sweater because he didn't know what else to get him, and Tabitha had given him a can of deodorant.

"I get the message! I GET THE MESSAGE!"

Pietro, unfortunately, was the worst off. He had gotten four CD's: N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, Linkin Park and 98 degrees. He realized that the others knew he had... different tastes in... "music", but this was going too far.

"Now we all gotta wait for Santa to come," Todd said. Lance ignored him and went upstairs to his room to call Kitty, but the others waited with him.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited...

--------------------------------------------

"Guys, wake up, he's here!" Todd yelled. The others quickly woke up, having dozed off after four hours of waiting, and hurried to the chimney.

"Psst, Tabby," Todd whispered. "What'd you write to him?"

"I asked him for some dolls," Tabitha said. Lance walked down the stairs to see what everyone was so excited about, when he arrived.

Three-hundred pounds of jolly evil. Dressed in the traditional red-and-white suit depicted on Coke cans, Santa carried a large green sack and wore shiny black boots. His long, silvery beard was neatly groomed, and he had a kindly smile on his face and large cheeks which only added to his cheerful appearance.

"Oh! Hello, there, my friends!" Santa said. "I'm here to bring little Suzy Smith the dolls she wished for, but don't wake her up."

"She's already here!" Tabitha said. She tossed a time bomb into his beard and set it off. Santa fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere and looking up both shocked and saddened.

"Why did you do that? What did I do wrong?"

"You killed my parents, yo!" Todd yelled. He jumped on Santa and slammed his head against the floor.

"T-Todd? Todd Tolensky?"

"Hm. So you weren't lying," Pietro calmly said. Fred just scratched his head.

"That's right, foo! Now I'm gonna get revenge!"

"I didn't kill your parents, Todd! I'm innocent!"

"I saw you, you murderer! You ain't get away this time!" Lance pulled Todd off and helped Santa to his feet. After dusting himself off, Santa started to pick the toys back off.

"That's enough for one night, Toad," Lance said.

"Hey! What kinda shit you tryin' to pull, Lance?!"

"Don't talk back, shithead, now apologize to him."

"HE KILLED MY PARENTS!"

"Dammit, Toad, what did I just say? You want me to smack the hell out of you or something?!"

"Santa, I..." Suddenly, Todd lunged at Santa and spat a glob of slime at his face. Santa pulled the glob off and stood to his feet, clearly angered.

"Now, Todd, you leave me no choice! Prepare to taste my wrath!" Santa extended two sets of three adamantium claws from his knuckles and charged forward. Fred quickly stepped in the way and absorbed the attack. He threw Santa against the mantle and stood over him with his arms crossed.

"Whoa... Toad, you weren't kidding!" Lance said. "Santa is one evil motherfucker."

"Alright, you caught me off-guard," Santa said, "But let's try a different playing field..." The Brotherhood watched as the house melted away, replaced by an enormous dome-shaped stadium. Lining the seats were dozens of elves dressed in green, white and red. They cheered as Santa appeared next to the Brotherhood on the stadium floor. An elf with a microphone appeared on a podium at the far end, next to a giant statue of Santa in a triumphant pose.

"Ladies and gentlemen, elves of all ages, we are gathered tonight to witness the first deathmatch in over fifty years! Tonight, all the way from Bayville, a gang of naughty trouble-makers consisting of Avalanche, Blob, Quicksilver, Boom Boom and the wretched one himself, Toad, here to challenge our champion, they are the BROTHERHOOD OF MUTANTS!" There were a few cheers, but mostly booing.

"And now, we will watch as the Brotherhood is defeated by the merry marauder, the elven eliminator, the seasonal slaughterer, the Jolly One himself, our reigning champion two-hundred and twelve years running, SANTA CLAUS!" The entire crowd cheered, proving Santa's immense popularity in the Christmas Deathmatch Circuit.

"The rules are simple! If you are killed you are disqualified from the match and the victory goes to the killer. In the event that the challenger defeats the champion, they will be given a choice of three prizes. The more spectacular the victory, the better the prizes, so unless you want to get stuck with a fruitcake, you better finish him in style! Challengers, ready!"

Suddenly, the Brotherhood were all dressed in their combat outfits. Santa had traded his outfit for red spandex pants and a championship belt.

"Champion, ready! LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!"

Santa charged forward at high speed and knocked Avalanche on his back. Quicksilver watched, shocked and amazed. Had Santa just moved as fast as him? Only one way to find out...

Quicksilver started to run around the area, and Santa soon began to run along side him. They picked up greater speed and dodged a few blows, until they were eventually running circles around the wall of the stadium floor. Santa started to fall behind, but somehow boosted forward and pushed Quicksilver over, sending him rolling along the wall and, as he slowed down, onto the floor. Quicksilver groaned and tried to get up, but found himself to injured to do so.

"As you've probably figured out," Santa said, "I have all of the powers of my opponent. With five opponents, I have five powers! Not only that, but I can use them in conjunction with each other!" Santa created a series of marble-sized energy bombs and flung them at the Brotherhood at great speed. All but Blob managed to avoid them, but even he was knocked down by the combined force of the speed and blast. He slowly stood up and rubbed his stomach. Santa jumped on him and spat a large glob of slime at his face. He kicked off with such force that Blob fell on his back.

"Alright, two down already!" The announcer yelled. The crowd cheered.

"Okay guys, we need some sort of plan," Avalanche said.

"No time to plan, kids!" Santa yelled. Large rocks erupted from the floor of the stadium, and Santa jumped to the top rock. He jumped down towards Avalanche, who rolled out of the way. Santa's feet left a large dent on the stadium floor. Avalanche sent a seismic wave along the floor in Santa's direction, but he we was unaffected. He laughed and sped forward and knocked him into the air. He spun around in midair, but failed to land on his feet. A large crack appeared on his helmet and the wind had been knocked out of him, but he was otherwise alright.

"Now it's your turn, Tabitha!" Santa's long, red tongue shot out and grabbed Boom Boom's leg, dragging her towards him. His tongue started moving up her leg, feeling it in a perverted way.

"What a pervert that Santa Claus is!" the announcer yelled. Boom Boom knew just where Santa's tongue was headed and struggled to break free. Toad tried to pull her way, but it was no use. She tossed a bomb into Santa's mouth and set it off. He fell backwards and his tongue reeled back into his mouth.

"Is that it? Are we done?"

"Fools!" Santa yelled, his face red and furious. "How dare you?!" He stomped on the ground the the floor caved in, becoming a large funnel with several of the upturned rocks acting as platforms. The crowd roared excitedly. Blob and Quicksilver rolled into the center, but Avalanche had managed to grab onto one of the upturned rocks. Toad had wrapped his tongue around another rock, and Boom Boom held onto his foot. Santa threw several high-speed energy bombs at the "floor," and they spun around the funnel on their way down. One of them hit Avalanche and knocked him off the rock, while Toad and Boom Boom narrowly avoided them. One finally hit Toad's tongue and they went rolling down to the center of the floor. Santa jumped from rock to rock, throwing more bombs at them. Blob, having finally wiped the slime away, was already acting as a human wall for the others.

"I don't believe it! The Blob is back in the game, and he's putting up one hell of a fight!" the announcer shouted. The crowd cheered at the sudden twist. Santa jumped at him, but met only a large fist to the face. Santa roared and threw a bomb at Blob's face, knocking him back down.

"Oh! Forget that! Blob is down once again!"

Santa jumped on Blob's stomach and spat a spray of slime on Avalanche's helmet, blinding him. Avalanche lost his balance and fell on the floor, where a swift kick to the chest kept him.

"Finally, the mighty Avalanche is down! Now, only Toad and Boom Boom remain... WAIT! Where's Quicksilver?" Quicksilver appeared behind Santa and pulled his beard back behind his head. Santa struggled to break free from his grip as Boom Boom threw another bomb at Santa's face. Quicksilver let go and Santa rolled down onto the floor.

"That's it! I'm through holding back!" Santa kicked Boom Boom against the opposite wall. She instantly fell unconscious and rolled down to the floor.

"Boom Boom is down! Two to go for our reigning champion!" Santa grabbed Toad by the tongue and swung him around in circles. He let go, but barely missed Quicksilver. Toad's back armor protected him, but he stopped to catch his breath. What followed next was a fist-to-fist battle between Quicksilver and Santa.

"What did they disappear to? This is getting stranger and stranger, folks!"

They were moving too fast for anyone to see them. Quicksilver had to be careful to avoid Santa's Blob-strength-blows. Finally, Santa hit him right in the face. Quicksilver flew against one of the rock platforms and rolled down to the center, next to Avalanche, Blob and Boom Boom.

"Quicksilver down for the count after a mighty blow! It's Toad against Santa Claus! Does the amphibious mutant stand a chance against the Jolly One?"

"Santa, listen!" Toad pleaded. "Ain't Christmas about love, and joy to the world, and sleigh bells an' all that?"

"No, you fool! It's about giving presents to children in order to keep the loyal to me and recruit them for my grand army with which I will decimate the world!"

"But... what about Jesus, and how he was born today?"

"You fool! Christianity is a falsified religion! I invented it to give children a reason to look forward to my visits and remain good so that they aren't locked up in juvenile hall, in which case they can't be recruited!"

"B-but the Bible! And Noah's ark! And-"

"Todd, you're too gullible! I wrote that book! I wrote those stories around historical events so nobody would suspect them of being false! It took quite nearly two millenia for the world to believe the book so devoutly that greedy businesses and enterprises closed their doors to celebrate it! With the rise of capitalism and avid consumerism, my takeover was easy!"

"But Santa! Why do you want to destroy the world?"

"Because I'm just plain evil! Now prepare to fall with your Brothers, 'Toad'!"

"Hey, wait, where's your army?"

"Huh?" Santa was a little surprised. By then, the crowd had already grown bored. A few of the elves had already left. "My army? Why they're all still in their homes, but I assure you, they're loyal to me!"

"What are you talkin' about? People stop believin' in you after a few years!"

"What? Not so! I stop taking them gifts when their loyalty is assured!"

"Nobody's loyal to you! You think they're all loyal by th' age of eleven?"

"Usually, yes."

"Hate to break it to you, Santa, but you ain't got no army, just a bunch of cynical adults an' teenagers who don't trust anythin' anymore!"

"No! YOU LIE, TOAD!" Fear was written all over Santa's face.

"Thanks to th' very capitalism and consumerism you've been dependin' on, you've gained absolutely NOTHING!"

"No..." Santa looked down, putting the equation together in his head. "No! NO!"

"Now doesn't irony bite donkey ass, Santa?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Santa collapsed onto the floor in tears and sobbing hysterically. The crowd was silent for a moment.

"This hasn't happened in over two-hundred and twelves years! Our champion has met his fourth defeat in the history of the Christmas Deathmatch Circuit! The new champions, THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUTANTS!" Part of the crowd cheered the new champions, but most shouted profanity. Elves were avid gamblers, so many of them had lost their money. The stadium floor returned to its original, flat position, and the rocks sunk back into the ground. Toad stood by the others, trying to wake them up.

"Toad, as the last standing member of the championship team, you will be given a choice of three prizes!" A platform rose from the ground, with three presents, one blue, one green and one red. "Choose the one you think is best, and we'll see what you've won!"

Toad took the green present and opened it. Inside was a red card, which had nothing on it. He held it up for the crowd to see.

"Excellent choice, Toad! Your prize is as follows: You and your teammates will be returned to your house in Bayville, you will be healed and your costumes will be restored!"

"That's it?! I made Santa cry like a baby and that's all we get?!"

"Well, you didn't kill Santa at all. He sort of forfeited... anyway, the blue box had a fruitcake and the red box had a gift certificate to McDonalds'."

"Er... okay, whatever."

--------------------------------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in the living room, in front of the fire, on that cold Christmas night. They drank hot chocolate from hot mugs, some with marshmallows. Fred, Lance and Tabitha sat on the couch while Todd crouched on the mantle and Pietro leaned against it.

"Well, we witnessed the fall of Santa Claus," Pietro said. "Now what? Who's gonna send greedy little kids presents?"

"Ah, who cares, Christmas is about family!" Tabitha said.

"Uh, no," Todd said, "It's about greed."

"Hm. Whatever," Lance said. "I'm only here because Kitty and the geeks are doing their own thing tonight."

"You didn't enjoy dinner?!" Fred gasped.

"No, it was good... but dinner with Kitty would've been better."

"I think we agree, that fight was a good workout," Pietro said.

"No."

"Uh uh."

"Fuck no."

"Not really, no."

"Hm. Okay, how about we all agree to forget this ever happened?"

"Okay."

"Fine by me."

"Yeah."

"Took th' words right outta my mouth."

Meanwhile, at the now empty stadium in the North Pole, Santa Claus stood in the center of the stadium floor, staring up at the statues of the Brotherhood that had been erected to honor them and would stand there until the next champion defeated them. A tear rolled down his cheek.

"This isn't over, you punks!" he yelled. "I'll have my revenge, just you wait and see!"

...And the stadium was filled with maniacal laughter...

**The End**

Har har har, yeah. Everyone enjoys sattire, right? If you devout Christians read this, don't start attacking me with threatening emails about how much of a heathen I am, or how I'm going to Hell. I get enough of that from my friends. Yes, my FRIENDS. If you're reading this, Daniel, my threat to kidnap your first-born child and raise him to kill you still stands. 

**Sattire... with two t's? Hmmmm...**


	31. Christmas vs The Brotherhood

**The disclaimer is busy sending three wheels of cheese after three French poodles. In the spirit of Christmas, here's an Anti-Christmas story. I'll warn you, though, this story has no real structure, and just about every scene here is a parody of something, most of them Christmas classics (except those shitty Hanna-Barbera cartoons where everyone's waiting on Santa Claus and they sing heartwarming songs about how greedy they are). Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

The day before Christmas Eve, also known as Christmas Eve Eve, Lance walked in wearing a scarf and gloves. He took his extra winter gear and tossed it on the foyer floor, then walked into the kitchen. He smelled something: cookies!

"Baking?" Lance asked Fred.

"Yup. Nothing like cookies at Christmastime."

"Cool. Toad get the tree yet?"

"Yeah. He and Wanda are decorating it." The oven timer rung. "Ah! They're done." Fred put on an oven mit and took the trayful of cookies out and set them on a cooling rack. "Just a few minutes until they're done."

"I can wait. I'm gonna go check on that tree." Lance walked into the living room to find the sorriest Christmas tree he had ever seen. It was a three-foot-tall twig with a bunch of dying pine needles stuck to it. "Could you have picked a worse tree?!"

**X-Men: Evolution  
"Christmas vs. The Brotherhood"  
King of the Worthless**

"Seriously, Charlie Brown's tree was better than this piece of shit! Toad, I gave you $50, and you give me this?!"

"It was all I could afford!" Lance noticed a $1 price tag on the tree. "I needed the rest for... for some stuff!"

"SOME STUFF?! Toad, have you been gambling again?!"

"No way!" Todd leaned in closer. "Look, I got Wanda somethin' really nice, okay?"

"No, I got her something really nice, since that was my money! You go return whatever the hell is was that you got and you get us a decent Christmas tree!"

"Yeah, but-"

"NOW!" Todd yelped and hopped upstairs. "Alright, settle down, Lance," he told himself. "Wanda, you didn't seriously think you could decorate this piece of crap, did you?"

"Doesn't matter to me. I'm an Atheist anyway."

"Oh. Okay." Lance walked back to the kitchen. "Fred, those cookies... you fucking glutton." All that was left was an empty baking tray and a few crumbs scattered around the table. Fred was pressing his thumb against them so they'd stick and then licking them off.

"What, you thought those were for all of us? No, I just needed a snack. I'm gonna get started on dinner later."

"Alright, alright. Where's Pietro?"

"Out shopping." Fred took a giant turkey from the fridge and placed it on a baking pan. "Ah, here we go. Gotta get started early if I want it ready in time."

"Good. Something's going right today." Lance walked upstairs to his room. On his way, he noticed Pietro sitting on his bed, sighing and looking depressed.

"Oh, what a miserable world," Pietro said. "I hope I fall asleep and never wake up." Lance shrugged and continued on his way. Pietro zoomed past him and stood in his way. "Hey! Your best friend is feeling depressed! Aren't you gonna try to cheer me up?!"

"No. Fuck off."

"Fine! I will!"Pietro ran down the stairs angrily. Quickly, he ran back. "Not literally... er... just forget I was born, okay?" Then Pietro ran down the stairs angrily again. Lance shrugged and went to his room.

--------------------

"Goodbye, cruel world!" Pietro said as he looked over a bridge. He held a boulder that was tied to his leg with a thick rope. He sat the boulder on the railing, but just before he pushed it over, Professor Xavier rolled by.

"Oh, hello, Pietro. Merry Christmas."

"I'm about to kill myself, you know! Don't you want to find out why and then save me?"

"No, I'd rather not."

"Alright, but if my dad finds out you let me die, then you won't get to go to his Thursday night poker games anymore!"

"Alright, alright, you damn whiner," Professor X said. "What's wrong with you?"

"Well, I-"

"That's great! But don't kill yourself! Here, let me show you what your life would be like if you had never been born!" Professor Xavier grinned and punched him in the face.

--------------------

Toad came back with a better Christmas tree, and he and Wanda started to decorate it with Lance supervising. This meant that Lance was sitting on the couch and sipping a soda while watching lazily.

"Okay, I gotta go shopping tomorrow. What do you guys want for Christmas?"

"Oh, nothing," Wanda said. Lance took this to mean 'I want earrings,' so that's what he decided he'd get her.

"I want that new Interactive R2-D2 that just came out!" Todd said with the excitement of a small child.

"No, you'll shoot your eye out," Lance said.

"Aw, c'mon! It can't be too hard to steal! C'mon, just this once, for me? Your best friend Toad?"

"No, you'll shoot your eye out."

"How am I-"

"That's not a warning, that's a command. No, I'm not getting you that R2-D2, and you'll shoot your eye out, or I'll shoot it out for you!" Pietro walked back in, still carrying the boulder. He had tied it too tightly, thinking it was best to minimize the possibility of having it slip off his foot. 

"Hey guys!"

"It's Pietro, pretend he doesn't exist. Hey, someone feel a breeze? Better get that door fixed. So what are we gonna do about that empty room down the hall? I thought someone lived there, but it looks like it's been empty this whole time."

"I got an idea!" Todd said. "Me an' Wanda can use it as our own little love nest! We could decorate it all nice and-" Not accidentally, a sphere ornament fell on his head. "Aw... right."

"Let's tear down the wall and use it as an expansion to my room!" Fred suggested. "I mean, I could always use the space."

"Not a bad idea," Lance said. "Alright. C'mon, Fred, let's get to work."

"What?! Hey! You better not touch that wall!" Pietro yelled. He ran up the stairs to guard his room. Lance stopped and turned back to the kitchen.

"Anyone want some egg nog?"

"Are you kidding? That stuff's rank," Todd yelled.

"It's not the taste, Toad," Wanda said. "After a while, you stop caring about it."

"Hmm... so you havin' some, babycakes?"

"Yeah, I think I'll have some... oh, but it takes a lot to make me lose my sense of judgment, but nice try anyway, Toad."

"Damn! Might as well have some myself, then." Todd hopped over to the kitchen, followed by Wanda. Pietro carried the boulder with him and sat at the table.

"I want some egg nog, too!"

"Ah, we've got enough for everyone!" Fred announced, and served everyone. "Enough left for tomorrow night, too!"

"Hey, your pop comin' over?" Toad asked.

"I don't know," Wanda said. "If I had a brother who talked to him, maybe I'd know."

"Okay, I see what you're all doing," Pietro said. "You're pretending I was never born so I can see how much of a difference I make to try to cheer me up! Aw, you guys are the best!"

"If you had a brother, I'd smack him in th' face and tell him he's a fag," Todd said. Pietro sneered. "Hmm. So what do you guys wanna do th' rest of th' night, you wanna go bug th' geeks, or you wanna play charades or somethin'?"

"Yes! Charades! I love charades!" Pietro yelled.

"Fuck it. Let's just watch TV," Lance said. They all took their egg nog to the living room and sat down to watch the crappy TV. Pietro decided not to follow them and instead went up to his room... pushing the boulder all the way up.

--------------------

The Brotherhood went to the mall on Christmas Eve, the single most nightmarish shopping day of the year, to get their gifts. Fred passed by the food court on his way to the music store.

"Excuse me sir, would you like to try some barbecued chicken?"

"Uh... sure, okay."

"Excuse me sir, would you like a sample of our gyros?"

"Yeah, sure!"

"Excuse me sir, would you like a free sample taco?"

"Bring it on!"

"Excuse me, sir, how about a free sample of our delicious ice cream!"

"You're speaking my language!" As the free sample vendors kept Fred busy, Lance looked at two different shirts in one of the department's shirts. They were both a smaller size... something Kitty would wear.

"Need any help, sir?" a balding employee asked.

"Yeah... uh... which do you think looks better?"

"Oh, definitely the red one, it brings out the color of your eyes..."

"You ass, it's not for me!"

"She ain't interested!" Todd yelled from across the store. Lance frowned and put both shirts back. Meanwhile, Todd hopped out of the department store and towards the center of the mall. He cut in front of a line of children, and being so short, nobody could tell he wasn't just a weird-looking kid. An elf called him, and he went up onto the stage.

"Ho ho ho," Happy Santa said. His fake beard had yellowish-brown stains on it. "Now what can I do you for, kid?"

"All I want for Christmas is an Interactive R2-D2... oh, and peace on Earth an' all that."

"An Interactive R2-D2? YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID!"

"Aw, not this bullshit again!"

"YOU'LL DO AS I TELL YOU, KID! WHO'S THE NEXT LIL' BASTARD?!?!" Happy Santa fell out of his chair and hit the ground face-first, and didn't get back up. The children started crying, but the assistant elves told them that he wasn't dead, just drunk. At the music store Fred had been on his way to, Wanda looked through the selections...

"P.O.D. is under ROCK?!" Wanda asked herself.

"Yes. P.O.D. rocks!" a really dorky kid told her.

"You like them?"

"Oh, most definitely. They are they darn best band I've ever heard!"

"I see..." Wanda ignored the kid and moved along. "Oh God, Creed is here, too?"

"That's another excellent band!" the really dorky kid said. "You have excellent taste in music. My name is Michael. Will you be my girlfriend?"

"No. Now go away."

"You'll be my girlfriend one day! Goodbye, my future girlfriend!" As he walked away, a shelf full of DVD's "accidentally" fell on him. Wanda knew she was evil, but she felt that anyone like that deserved to have a ton and a half of DVD's fall on them.

"Okay, we got all our shopping done?" Lance asked the others as they got into the car. Todd rode shotgun, and Fred and Wanda sat in the backseat as Lance drove them home. He had gotten something for everyone, except Toad, who he figured would accept a punch in the face. At a red light, the drunken mall Happy Santa jumped on the hood of the jeep and started shouting at them through the windshield.

"DAAAAARRK AND BEARDED THE NIGHT GLOWS! NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO FLY! IF I HAD FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN..."

"You'd fuck them all?" Todd finished.

"NO I WOULDN'T! I'D SMOKE CRACK!"

"Off my car, you drunk!" Lance drove off and Happy Santa fell off. Behind him, a small crowd formed, yelling things like "He hurt Santa!" and "Watch yoself, foo!"

--------------------

Todd and Fred sat in the dining room playing Connect Four. Fred slid his black piece down, and achieved four in a row.

"You shank my Jenga ship!" Todd yelled.

"Dammit, Toad! Will you stop saying that everytime I get four in a row?! It was cute the first time, but now it's just irritating!"

"You guys playing this again?" Wanda asked.

"Mmmhey Wanda! I just lost my Jenga jam!"

"Toad, seriously. Cut that out. It's not funny anymore." Lance walked in carrying a bucket of chicken.

"Hey guys. I stole this from some guy, so if anyone wants some, just dig in."

"Hey Lance! I just lost my-"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Lance punched Todd in the face before he could finish. "That's it. You're banned from that site for a month."

"Aw, c'mon, don't you got a sense of humor?"

"NO." Lance left the room as Fred shoved a chicken leg into his mouth. Pietro reached for a piece too; he had been sitting there the whole time, but nobody seemed to notice. Before he could take anything, Todd grabbed the last piece with his tongue.

"Mmm! Check that out! I got accuracy, yo!" Todd noticed Wanda looked tired. "Sugarbuns, you lookin' tired today."

"Yeah, I was up all night. A bunch of damn ghosts visited me and took me to all these weird places. Hey, did you know the X-Men are all out of town for Christmas?"

"How do you know?"

"The third ghost showed me... well, he's the second if you ask him, but anyway. Scott's spending Christmas with Jean's family, and Rogue went with Kurt. It's just Professor X and Beast."

"Aw, that's no fun," Fred said.

"Actually... Fred, the third ghost looked kind of like you wearing a red robe."

"Any of them look like me?" Todd asked.

"Yeah, the second one. You were wearing some white suit. The fourth one looked kind of like Lance wearing a black hood. The first one was this skinny guy with silver hair carrying a bunch of chains."

"Wow. No more crack for you," Fred said. Pietro sighed and left the room... dragging the boulder behind him.

--------------------

After the rather crappy Christmas feast (Fred ate most of it before it even reached the table), the Brotherhood exchanged gifts. Fred had gotten a pair of bunny slippers from Wanda (don't ask), a journal from Lance (since his old one was... "mysteriously" lost), a sweatshirt from Todd (with the word PHAT on it, no less), and a mystery gift: a videotape of Pretty Woman ("How did this person who doesn't exist know I love that movie?") from a mysterious person who had never been born.

"Okay, cut it out!" Pietro yelled. Everyone decided that the joke had gotten old, so Pietro magically re-appeared again.

"We're still not cutting that boulder loose," Lance said. Lance got a pair of socks from Fred (since a pair of his socks was... "mysteriously" lost), a tight-fitting burgandy shirt from Pietro (and in exchange, he get Pietro a punch to the stomach), a Nirvana CD from Todd, and another Nirvana CD from Wanda (one he already had, but he decided that punching a witch wasn't a good idea).

For Wanda, Lance had gotten... a pair of earrings. From Fred, she received a little pewter dragon figurine, which she thought was kinda cool. Pietro got her a little pewter witch figurine, which she didn't think was very cool. Last was Todd... Wanda was dreading it. She opened the box to find a sleek black dress, not to formal, not too casual.

"Wow, Toad... this isn't a bad gift. Thanks."

"You can thank me by tryin' it on right now."

"Arrgh." Another ornament fell on Todd's head. Pietro had gotten a DVD player as one solid gift from the others. They did this more for themselves, figuring that they'd probably use it more than he would. Now, it was Todd's turn. Pietro got him a little travel grooming kit, which was probably worse than last year's can of deodorant, but at least he could probably pawn it. Fred had, strangely enough, gotten him the Fellowship of the Ring Extended Version (the nice boxed set).

"Freddy, how'd you afford this?"

"Five finger discount," Fred grinned. Lance had gotten him a punch to the face, which he gave him early.

"Aw, c'mon," Todd said.

"Oh, alright. Here's ten bucks."

"Ten bucks? How'd you afford this?"

"Five finger discount. Used to be Pietro's." And finally, Wanda had gotten him...

"The Interactive R2-D2! Babycakes, how'd you afford this?"

"Five finger discount."

"You guys would steal... for me? I love you guys!" Now Todd had someone smaller than him to order around. "Artoo, get me a soda!"

"beep beep doop whhzz"

"Nyahaha, go droid slave! Go!" The little Artoo came back with a Coke. "Yes! Now go clean my room!" Artoo started shaking back and forth, then whined, and fell over. "Aw, I broke it. Wonder if I can sell it to some Jawas..."

"HO HO HO!" Happy Santa yelled as he broke into the house. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Happy Santa then gave them their presents: shotgun blasts to the face. Pietro would've ran, but nobody had cut that boulder free. Ah well.

**The End**

If you made it this far, you have amazing pain tolerance.


	32. Brotherhood at the Movies: X2

Warning: This story contains X2 spoilers. Even the disclaimer contains spoilers. It also contains numerous rants about potential flaws in the movie, so if you have not seen X2, or liked X2 to the point of mad obsession, do not read this. If you enjoyed X2 but are open to the possibility of X2 not having been the greatest movie of all time, then you're safe. Also, some of these rants are not my views, but that of the characters, so don't come crying to me if you're offended by something Lance says.

The disclaimer is being forced by Master... oh, right, this technically isn't Mastermind... anyway, the disclaimer is being forced to use Cerebro to find all the fanfiction writers... find all the fanfiction writers... and

MAKE

THEM

SNEEZE!

...Anyway, on with the show!

The Bayville Grand Cinema downtown was a movie theater created in the early days of cinema, capable of holding a larger crowd of people than most modern theaters. The evening screening that Friday of X2: X-Men United was no exception, drawing such a vast crowd that there weren't enough seats to hold them all. It wasn't that the theater had sold more tickets than it had seats for, but a strange number of coincidences kept people from going up to the balcony. The door leading to the stairs had been glued shut by some strange green glue, and once the janitors had managed to pry open the door, the stairs had mysteriously collapsed. They tried the newly installed elevator, but electronics had been shorted, for some reason. Desperately, one person tried a grappling hook to get up there, but someone had pulled several theater seats from the balcony and stacked them up right at the edge of the balcony lobby where the stairs would be.

"Well... can you teleport us up there, Kurt?" Scott asked.

"I could, but ve've already missed ze first twenty minutes, Scott."

"Well so?" Kitty asked. "We can still watch the rest of it."

"But my big scene is in ze first twenty minutes! Let's just go to zat other theater by ze Insitute."

"Fine, whatever. But you owe me some popcorn."

X-Men: Evolution

"The Brotherhood at the Movies!"

Jose L. Solano

Note: for writing convenience, and to cut down on "said Lance" and "Todd asked", this will be written in a more script-like format... like a TV show!

The Brotherhood sat in the balcony with a ton of snacks they had smuggled in. The movie was over, but with the way blocked, the ushers couldn't get in there and force them out.

Lance- Alright, what did you guys think?

Toad- Kickass!

Fred- I loved it!

Wanda- It was okay.

Pietro- Hated it.

Lance- Okay, first thing's first. Nightcrawler scene, what did you guys think?

Toad- I thought it was th' shit, yo! Just... bamf, kick ass! Bamf, tackle! Bamf, through th' glass door!

Pietro- Are you kidding me? It was slow!

Toad- Slow? He was faster than the real Nightcrawler moves!

Pietro- What's your point? Was he trying to show off, or was he trying to get something done? He's got the president right where he wants him, but oh, we can't kill the president in a movie! Let's have blueboy sit there and grin like a fucking idiot while he gets his damn knife!

Toad- He was under mind control, he didn't know what he was doin'!

Pietro- I know that! It was just poor pacing! They could've had him do it as quickly as possible and had the guy shot his arm in a matter of seconds!

Fred- I think they just wanted to give us a closeup of him.

Toad- Yeah, it all happens so quickly, you don't get a good shot of him before that.

Pietro- Bah! They could've had one before he started kicking their asses.

Wanda- What bothered me about Nightcrawler was that they didn't really need him for the rest of the movie. He's just dead weight... just like Rogue, Iceman and Pyro.

Fred- What was with Pyro, anyway? The real Pyro's psycho. This guy just kinda stood there trying to look mean.

Wanda- It was a different interpretation of the character. I like that they made him this quiet, brooding guy, because this movie has enough psychos as it is, but he really didn't add much to the story. He was just there.

Toad- I coulda done without all that crap at Drake's house.

Wanda- I think it added to the mutant tension, but you're right, it didn't really work because Iceman wasn't that important a character.

Pietro- They could've fixed that by having goggle-boy talk to his folks instead.

Fred- Isn't Summers an orphan?

Pietro- Who cares? He was hardly in this movie!

Lance- And you have a problem with that?

Pietro- Yeah, I do! You can't bring a main character in and just abandon him for an hour! What was the point of that? Geez, I came to see some action, not Cyclops gone for the rest of the picture!

Lance- ...Action?

(The room is silent)

Pietro- Well I think the guy playing him is a good actor!

(The room remains silent)

Pietro- Oh, fuck all of you.

Lance- Well anyway, Summers is a fag and we didn't need him in the movie. End of discussion. Toad, weren't you in the first one?

Toad- Yeah, sort of. They made me British for some reason.

Lance- Why weren't you in this one?

Fred- They killed him off.

Toad- Yeah, it was lame, yo. "Do you know what happens to a Toad when it's stuck by lightning?" What th' fuck?! I shoulda gotten a better death taunt than that! Maybe somethin' like "You're dead sexy, Toad, and it's a shame that I have to kill you."

Pietro- Are we talking about the sequel or not?

Toad- Hey, I'm the only one here who's even been in one of these movies!

Wanda- I thought I saw Maximoff on that list on the computer.

Pietro- It said "Maximoff (2)." Nothing specific. What a rip! I'm star material!

Lance- Alright, settle down. Let's get back to discussing the actual movie. What did you guys think of Wolverine this time?

Fred- He got to kick ass! Chop, chop, whack!

Toad- They didn't let them show blood, so it was kinda weird.

Wanda- Hugh Jackman's a hottie.

Toad- ...

Wanda- I just thought I'd let you guys know.

Pietro- Yeah, he was too... pretty for the role. Logan's one ugly motherfucker.

Wanda- I didn't really mind.

Toad- And that's all we have to say about this guy?

Fred- Yeah, pretty much.

Lance- He was a wuss this time.

Fred- What? No way!

Lance- He fucking cried at the end! Wolverine CRIED!

Toad- His girl died, yo! Imagine if some lake crushed Kitty!

Lance- It wouldn't, she'd phase out of it!

Fred- What if she didn't?

Lance- SHE WOULD.

Wanda- What did you guys think of Stryker?

Fred- Didn't seem very evil to me.

Pietro- That's because he had a southern accent. People with southern accents are never threatening. Seriously, worst villain ever.

Lance- The guy was a creep. I'm glad he died.

Wanda- He seemed like a reverse Magneto, except he was evil, while Magneto had some justification for trying to kill all the humans, so to me, he made an effective villain.

Pietro- Find all the humans... find all the humans...

Wanda- That little girl annoyed me.

Toad- Mastermind annoyed me.

Lance- Mastermind was in this?

Toad- Yeah, he was that gimp in th' wheelchair.

Lance- I'm pretty sure that's Xavier.

Toad- No, the other one.

Lance- ...?

Toad- Were you watchin' the movie?!

Lance- What are you talking about?

Pietro- Okay, we'll try this systematically. Lance, you remember that weird skinny guy on life support?

Lance- Hm? Not really.

Pietro- Well, you remember how Xavier had to be connected to Cerebro to kill all the mutants?

Lance- Yeah.

Pietro- Well, remember that little girl that was telling him to do that?

Lance- Yeah, what about her?

Pietro- It was all an illusion, and that skinny guy in the wheelchair was really tricking him into doing all this.

Lance- What? Oh... OH! I get it now. The little girl was just a trick!

(Wanda slaps her face)

Lance- Hey, I don't care for story elements, okay?

Pietro- Anyway, that guy was Mastermind.

Lance- What, really?

Toad- Yeah. Look at th' clues. Illusion powers, first name Jason...

Lance- Okay, whatever. What about Lady Deathstrike, huh?

Fred- Rrrrrooooooooooowwwwrrr!

Pietro- Bah, she didn't even do anything!

Toad- I hate to side with Pietro, but he's got a point.

Lance- But she was hot!

Toad- I only got eyes for Wanda, foo.

Wanda- Yeah, thanks.

Pietro- All she did was stand around and look sexy for the drooling fanboys.

Fred- But she did it well!

Lance- Yeah, don't tell me you didn't just want to jump into the screen and rip her clothes off!

Pietro- Ah, grow up!

Wanda- I agree with these two, though. She really didn't do anything, and her fight scene wasn't that impressive. I thought the fight between Wolverine and Sabretooth was better.

Fred- No way!

Lance- How can you say that?

Wanda- Look, she died anyway. She's not coming back.

Fred- She can still come back!

Wanda- Just like Toad came back?

Toad- Thanks, baby, really...

Wanda- She's dead, just like Stryker and Mastermind.

Lance- But then that leaves room for us!

Wanda- I'd rather not. They should concentrate on developing the characters they have before bringing in any new ones. A lot of them stood around without doing anything this time around. They should have left out Iceman and Pyro and concentrated more on Nightcrawler. His character seemed interesting, but after his first scene, he's just sitting in the jet.

Toad- They should've just killed him off. I got killed off, and I'm still th' best character in the series.

Pietro- Ray Park's career will never recover.

Wanda- I don't know why they made Magneto such a jerk.

Toad- We...

(Pietro slaps Toad)

Pietro- Yeah, he's really a cool guy.

Wanda- It worked in the story, that this guy that they're trusting double-crosses them and makes Xavier kill all the humans. But daddy would never go that far!

(The room is silent)

Pietro- So how about that Mystique?

Fred- Rrrrrrooooooooooowwwrrrr!

Pietro- You say that about all the women in this movie!

Lance- He kinda has a point, Pietro.

Pietro- BAH!

Fred- Mystique actually did stuff this time... besides yell at us, I mean.

Toad- Mystique was too tame to be Mystique. And what was she doin' with Wolverine?

Wanda- You'll understand in a few years, Toad.

Toad- I understand now, baby... but it just don't make sense.

Wanda- Plot hole, yeah. There's a ton in this movie. Let's list them all, shall we?

Toad- Mystique wants Logan.

Lance- Er... uh...

Fred- Hmm...

Pietro- We really can't think of any.

Wanda- Jean leaves the jet.

All- Aaaaah.

Wanda- Did she really need to do that? Couldn't she have lifted it from inside the jet?

Toad- What I'd like to know is why Storm didn't just call some wind to hold it up, or why Drake didn't make himself USEFUL and just freeze the damn stuff.

Wanda- And of course, it turns out she's alive, but why build that up? She wasn't a very major character in this one, so her sacrifice seems to have come out of nowhere. The fact that she's still alive just cheapens it.

Pietro- And of course, we get the whole Phoenix thing.

Wanda- What?

Pietro- Well, in the comics, she went into space or something, and this weird superbeing thing controlled her. It's very lame.

Toad- At least it'd make Jean more interesting.

Fred- The actress who played Jean was hideous.

(The room is silent)

Fred- Don't tell me that those bastards thought she could hold a candle to the real Jean!

Toad- Halle Berry is a worse actress.

Lance- She's better looking than the real Storm.

Toad- But she's a bad actress!

Wanda- Considering what she was given to work with, I think she did alright.

Fred- No complaints here.

Pietro- Didn't care either way.

Toad- Why am I th' only one who sees this?! She thinks she's such a big star now just because she got an Oscar for fakin' a damn orgasm! Meg Ryan never got an Oscar for that! They only gave her that Oscar because she's black!

Pietro- Well, duh.

Toad- Then the bitch goes and complains about not gettin' enough screentime? She's got equal billin' on the poster with Wolverine! She thinks she's fuckin' Elizabeth Taylor!

(Lance shudders)

Toad- Fuck Halle Berry! Fuck Storm! Fuck Elizabeth Taylor!

(Lance shudders again)

Wanda- Toad, calm down.

Toad- It just pisses me off!

(Wanda waves her hand, and Toad's chair collapses)

Toad- Awww...

Lance- So let's review. Lady Deathstrike was hot, but useless. Nightcrawler was cool, but he didn't really do anything. Mystique's part was better, Wolverine was a damn wuss, Toad's a fuckhead, Stryker was good as a villain, the fight scenes weren't as good as we expected, Pyro was cool, but underused, Iceman can die, and Halle Berry's a whore.

Fred- And the hot dogs here are terrible.

Lance- And the hot dogs here are terrible.

Pietro- I disagree. The subtle combination of pork and beef this theater uses was a welcome change from all-beef and all-pork hot dogs. Well, they claim to be all-pork, anyway.

Fred- Yeah, but they don't add any flavor! You have to load them with stuff to get anything out of them!

Pietro- But the condiments are free, so you get as much as you want.

Lance- I was really hoping we could review a movie without it turning into a food review.

Toad- What this place needs is free refills! I paid like two bucks for this soda, and I finished it in like five seconds!

Lance- That's where they get you! The movie companies get all the money from the tickets, so the theater has to make its money off this junk!

Pietro- I paid three bucks for these Twizzlers!

Fred- Yeah, make the movie people share their profits, then we can get food for cheap!

Wanda- Do I have to remind you guys that we smuggled all our snacks in?

(The room is silent)

Fred- Oh. Yeah.

Lance- Okay, overall, the Brotherhood gives this movie four out of five stars!

Pietro- Or we would, except that none of us are in it.

Lance- Yeah. The Brotherhood gives this movie negative two out of five stars. Next week, we'll be watching Daddy Day Care.

Toad- OH FUCK YOU!

The End

Nyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh-ko.


	33. Donut Holes

**The disclaimer jumps! It swings! It... aww. It feel into a deep chasm. Anyway, this describes a similar incident here in San Antonio, when the opening of a donut shop caused quite a bit of insanity from the locals. I had a chance to try one, and... okay, I'll explain further at the end. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

The jeep rolled along the highway outside of Bayville. As always, Lance was at the wheel. Pietro rode next to him, with Todd laying down in the back seat. The jeep took an exit to a gas station.

"Alright, whose turn is it to pay for gas?" Lance asked.

"Pi-"

"Toad's," Pietro said quickly.

"What? Aw, man! I paid last time!" Knowing better than to argue with Pietro, Todd hopped to the station store to pay with a ten dollar bill. He hopped back out and begin to fuel the jeep.

"Dammit, he's grinning again," Lance said. "Toad, you better not be huffing those fumes again!"

"What fumes, sly guy?"

"Argh! He does this every fucking time!" Lance yelled as he got out. Pietro sat back and enjoyed a soda. He casually glanced at the rear-view mirror and sprayed the soda all over the windshield.

"AAARGH! I'm going to break both of your skulls!"

Pietro quickly looked back to confirm what he saw. His eyes grew wide. His jaw dropped. He could barely contain his excitement.

"Pietro, snap out of it! What's your problem? What are you looking at?"

"Lance... this is the greatest day of my life... of our lives."

"What? What?"

"Lance... do you see that truck?" Lance looked over to see a truck refueling. "That truck... do you see what's written on the side?"

"...Krispy Kreme?"

"YES! A truck stopping here could only have one possible destination!"

"Bayville?"

"YES! Do you know what this MEANS?!" Pietro didn't give Lance a chance to reply before jumping out of the jeep and running around in circles.

"What an ass."

"Heh," Todd said. "There's gotta be like fifty Pietros running after those Pietros..."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Donut Holes"**

**or**

**"Doughnut Holes"**

**or**

**"However the hell you want to spell them Holes"**

**King of the Worthless**

Wanda walked out of her room with murder in her eyes. She had been trying to write some poetry, but a certain housemate kept shaking the house. She marched downstairs to find Lance and Todd sitting in the living room, playing a rather unstable game of checkers.

"LANCE!" Wanda yelled. "IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE BREATHI-"

"Not me," Lance said.

"Then what in God's name is going on?!"

"Krispy Kreme is coming to Bayville."

"What's Krispy Kreme?"

"Donut chain."

"And...?"

"Pietro just told Blob."

"...Oh." In the kitchen, Fred and Pietro were doing some bizarre celebration dance. Their housemates stood at the doorway, watching the horrorshow. After a few minutes, they sat down at the table, and stared back at their audience.

"What?"

"Just what is so great about this Krispy Kreme thing?" Lance asked.

"It's a donut shop... but it's so much more!" Pietro replied. "Every bite... it's like... it's like... it's like a centralized orgasm in your mouth!"

"He ain't kidding!" Fred told them. "They had a Krispy Kreme in Austin, and it's like heaven, only it exists in the form of a donut!"

"Uh... Wanda, Toad, you guys tried this stuff?" Lance asked.

"No," they both replied.

"You don't know what you're missing!" Fred yelled. "When does it open, Pietro?"

"I don't know! We have to find out!" Fred and Pietro scrambled out of the house. Lance, Wanda and Todd were not quite sure what they had just witnessed.

"So... aren't you gonna ask us why we were out of town for a week?" Todd asked.

"Nope," Wanda replied, and marched back upstairs.

--------------------

A few hours later, Pietro and Fred returned without much luck. They had look everywhere, even within private property, for the shop, but found nothing.

"It's probably just not open yet," Wanda told them. "You'll have to wait a little while longer."

"But we CAN'T wait! I NEED this, Wanda!"

"What's so great about them?" Lance asked, walking down the stairs. "Are they laced with crack or something?"

"No, just... it's... it's hard to describe!"

"Hah. You can't even say why they're good. Some donuts."

"Don't hate the donuts!" Pietro yelled with his father's temper. "They did nothing to you!"

"I'll hate 'em unless I have a reason not to."

"What kind of bullshit is that?! You're just mad because we like the donuts more than we like you!"

"I don't want you to like me. I don't care what you think." Just then, Todd strutted into the house with a Twix. Yes, strutted. "Toad! You like donuts, right?"

"Oh, like it makes a difference," Lance yelled. "He eats flies for God's sake!"

"Well do you like donuts or not?!" Pietro continued, ignoring Lance.

"Well... I like chocolate donuts!"

"But do you like glazed donuts? Like Krispy Kreme?"

"Ah... I told you, foo, I ain't never tried that."

"If I bought you one, would you like it?" Todd could see a bit of craziness in Pietro's eyes.

"Eh... uh... sure..." He noticed Lance giving him an unapproving glare. "Er... well... maybe not... I'd have to try it first... right?" He looked at Wanda, but her expression was indifferent. "Yeah... yeah, I'd have to try it first!"

"So you're on Lance's side, then! Wanda accepts the deliciousness of Krispy Kreme, right sis?"

"No. I've never had one, and with all this hype you're piling onto them, I don't think I want to try them, either."

"You're all against me! Only Fred sees the light! You win THIS round, Lance!" Pietro rushed past Lance and locked himself in his room. Fred merely turned his head upward in a snobby manner and walked into the kitchen.

--------------------

Lance wandered down the stairs at 2 AM, unable to sleep, but not quite bored enough to watch late-night infomercials telling him how to smash eighty-seven cans into a vaccuum-sealed bag... wait, no, that was pretty cool. They hadn't played that infomercial in a long, long time, and Lance was not happy about it.

"Hello, Lance."

"Hey."

"Unable to sleep?"

"Yeah. Hoping maybe a sandwich will do the trick."

"Ah, very good. Some milk with that might help."

"Eh, we're out of milk. All we have left is soda... that wouldn't help me get to sleep. Guess I'll just have some water."

"Good choice. I see why you're the leader here."

"Bah, not since Pietro came ba..." Lance then realized he had absolutely no idea who he was talking to. He turned the kitchen light on to see find Professor Xavier sitting right behind him. "P-professor Xavier? What are you doing here in the middle of the night? While we're asleep? With a creepy grin?"

"Don't be afraid Lance. I just came for a snack," Xavier told him with an insincere grin.

"...You have your own kitchen."

"But it's not as good as yours!"

"Look, Mystique, if you wanted to come back for something, we weren't going to ask you where you've been these last few months."

"I'm not Mystique."

"Prove it."

"You're a dick," Xavier said in Lance's mind.

"Okay. So what do you want?"

"I've come to ask you a favor." Xavier set a white bag on the table, with the unmistakable Wendy's logo on it. Of course, a drink cup was also included. "If you do me this favor, then this late night hamburger meal is yours. It's your favorite. Big Bacon Classic, with extra cheese."

"Wendy's? They closed hours ago! It's probably all cold and doughy now!"

"Of course not! Wendy's pickup window is open late, until 1 AM or later, so you can eat great, even late," Xavier said with a creepy grin.

"Well, I dunno. Tell me what you... aw, fuck it. I'll do it."

"Good, good," Xavier said as Lance started on his meal. "You see, I own considerable stock in Dunkin' Donuts, and I happen to be the owner of the Dunkin' Donuts franchise in Bayville. Now, there's only one Dunkin' Donuts store in town, located on Charter Street. Directly across from it, where the old TCBY used to be, a new donut shop is opening."

"Krispy Kreme?"

"Yes, Krispy Kreme," Xavier said with a sneer. "Now, as owner of the Dunkin' Donuts store in Bayville, I would find it very inconvenient if this upstart donut chain were to try and steal my customers. I want you and your team to make sure that Krispy Kreme doesn't interfere with my profits... keeping my name out of it, of course."

"That's fine, but how am I gonna convince the rest to do this?"

"In this envelope," Xavier said, taking the yellow envelope from his jacket, "You'll find a few documents that may include a few... secrets that my students would rather you not know."

"Consider it done, Professor."

--------------------

"So, did you hear about ze Krispy Kreme?" Kurt asked Scott during lunch. "It's opening this Friday!"

"Krispy Kreme?"

"Oh, I've had those!" Jean said. "They're sooooo good!"

"We didn't have those back home," Kitty said.

"Well, I haven't tried zem either," Kurt told her, "But I hear zey're delicious!"

"Oh, they are!" Jean said. "They're reeeeeeaaally good!"

"I dunno," Scott said. "Shouldn't we wait until the shop opens before coming to any conclusions about these donuts?"

"Did you say Friday?!" Pietro screamed, suddenly appearing at their table. "Do you know where?!"

"Uh... what do you want?"

"Don't waste my time with stupid questions, Summers! Where is this store going to be?!"

"Are you even enrolled here anymore?" Jean asked.

"What is wrong with you people?! Just tell me where the damn store is going to open!"

"We don't know, Pietro."

"YES, YOU DO! NOW TELL ME!"

"We don't-"

"YOU LIE!" Fred yelled. He grabbed Scott by the back of his shirt and held back his fist.

"You tell us what we want to know, or my enforcer is going to rearrange your skeletal structure!"

"Uh... Main and 5th!" Scott said. Fred dropped him and immediately ran after Pietro in the direction of the random location Scott blurted out. "Hey, wait up!" he called. Before he was even off-campus, Pietro ran back.

"They lied to us! Let's..." Pietro noticed that lunch was over and everyone was back inside. "Damn. We'll have to think of something else."

--------------------

"Stupid X-Geeks," Fred mumbled as he walked back inside the house with Pietro. Lance, Todd and Wanda waited for them in the living room.

"What's going on? Group meeting?"

"Exactly," Lance said. "Now, as acting group leader-"

"Hey, hey, hey, I'm in charge here!" Pietro yelled. "Or are you all planning mutiny against the 'donut-loving heathen'?"

"...As acting group leader, I've just made a deal that'll keep us ten steps ahead of the X-Men." Lance held up Xavier's envelope. "In here, I have a list of their deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secrets."

"How do we know it's real?" Pietro asked, unconvinced.

"Ahem... where to begin... ah, yes. 'Wagner, Kurt... strokes self in sleep'... 'Summers, Scott... owns all but one Celine Dion CD, strokes hair gently and sings along as he listens to them'... oh, here's a good one, 'Daniels, Evan... when left alone, pretends to be a Star Wars character and uses long objects as lightsabers... video footage enclose'."

"Wow, this list is great!" Fred yelled. "What else do we have here... hey, there's no file on Kitty."

"Yeah, he must've left that out," Lance nervously said.

"Get this," Todd said, "Summers doesn't like crust on his sandwiches!"

"Now what's wrong with that?!" Pietro yelled. The room was silent. "Alright, these papers are all fine and dandy, but what did you sign us up for to get them?"

"This Friday, a new donut shop is opening on Charter Street, across from a Dunkin' Donuts. Someone who's got a stake in Dunkin' Donuts's future wants us to take out this newcomer."

"Oh no... you don't mean..."

"That's right, Pietro, we're gonna take down the Krispy Kreme before it can open."

"YOU CAN'T!" Pietro yelled. "OUR ENTIRE PURPOSE ON THIS PLANET IS TO EAT KRISPY KREME DONUTS! YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY OUR REASON FOR EXISTING!"

"Look, Toad and Wanda are in. We're doing this with or without you."

"Wanda?! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD?!" Pietro yelled.

"I'd like to ruin Jean Grey's reputation personally."

"I didn't even know you had anything against her!"

"I offered her a stick of gum the other day and she didn't even say thank you. Stuck-up bitch," Wanda muttered.

"Well Fred and I are going to make sure you three don't ruin our one chance for true happiness!" Fred and Pietro stood on one side of the room while Lance, Wanda and Todd stood on the other. They stared at each other with their arms crossed for several minutes before a knock at the door interrupted them.

"Yeah?" Fred answered.

"Delivery for Mr. Maximoff," the UPS guy said. Pietro quickly signed for it and opened the small padded envelope, which contained a cell phone. Immediately, it began to ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Pietro."

"Huh? Who is this?"

"It's me, your father."

"Oh... hey. How... how's everything?"

"Fine, Pietro. Is anyone else in the room?"

"Yeah, everyone's here."

"Move to a less crowded room. I don't want any of them overhearing."

"Right, right... guys, important Magneto call, so I'll be upstairs." Pietro ran up the stairs. Fred looked at the envelope left behind, and found a smell inside... it smelled like butter.

"Eh, I'm hungry. I'm getting a snack," Fred said, and trotted off towards the kitchen. The UPS guy, still at the door, took off his sunglasses for a moment: it was Forge.

"Huh? Forge?"

"Xavier wants you to use this window of opportunity to get started on your end of the deal. Now, get going. I'll catch you guys later." Forge stepped into the UPS truck, where Professor Xavier was talking to someone on a cell phone in a voice suspiciously deeper than his usual voice.

--------------------

"What the?!" Todd yelled. "Yo, check it out! We ain't alone!" Lance and Wanda peered down from the roof of the Krispy Kreme to see a line of people camped out around the block, waiting for their first taste of glorious Krispy Kreme donuts. Unfortunately for the Brotherhood, Scott, Jean and Kurt were the first ones in line. "Aw, I knew we shoulda worn our battle costumes!"

"Aw, this is no good. We'll have to try subtlety," Lance said. "Toad, keep an eye on them, make sure they stay put."

"Gotcha, chief!"

"Chief?"

"Boss."

"That's better... no, no, call me Sir."

"Gotcha, sir!"

"Hmm... no, just call me Chie-"

"Gotcha, Lance!"

"..." Lance and Wanda climbed down from the roof to the store's back door. "Wanda, think you can unlock this door?"

"Hold on a second..." Wanda waved her hand and the door swung open with a loud clang.

"Shit, the geeks heard that!" Todd yelled through their headsets.

"Uh... meow! Meow!"

"Good call, yo, good call." Lance carefully closed the door behind them. There was a loud beep coming from the front of the store.

"Wanda! Get the security system down!"

"When are you going to do something?"

"I'm leading, now get to it!" Wanda disarmed the security system with a wave of her hand. Unfortunately, the geeks heard that, too.

"Is everything alright in there?" Scott yelled.

"Uh... er... hrrrrmmmmph, everything's okay in here, son!" Lance yelled back in a disguised voice. "Just taking care of some business back here before the shop opens! Nothing to worry about!"

"Okay!"

"Let's get the machinery first," Wanda said.

"Hey, I'm the leader! Let's get the-" BAMF.

"Hi Lance, hi Wanda. I'm just here to use zhe bathroom... vhere is it?"

"Uh... that way."

"Thanks... hey, wait... vhat are you doing here?"

"We work here," Wanda told him.

"Oh... okay." Kurt started towards the bathroom. "Hey, wait... vhy aren't you wearing store uniforms?"

"They're not ready yet," Lance told him.

"Oh, okay." Kurt went to the bathroom, then teleported out of the shop.

"That was close," Wanda said. "You should have thought this plan out a little more carefully."

"Hey, we're getting the job done, ri-"

"WRONG!" Fred yelled, charging through the front doors, effectively destroying them. "You thought you could keep us away, did you?! WELL YOU WERE WRONG!"

"Fred! Argh... Toad! You were supposed to warn us!"

"I'm afraid Toad's a little tied up," Pietro said over Todd's headset. He quickly zoomed around back, where Lance and Wanda had entered. "Now, step away from the expensive donut-making equipment."

"Forget it! You can't take us both! Right, Wanda?"

"Eh, I don't feel like fighting. You're on your own."

"Argh! Fine! I'll take you both on myself!" Fred was unaffected by Lance's tremors, but Pietro fell on his back. He was on his feet quickly and pushed Lance to the ground.

"Hey, what's- The Brotherhood!" Scott yelled. "I knew you guys would be causing trouble! Kurt, take care of Fred! Jean, get Pietro out of here! I'll deal with Lance!"

"DON'T GET IN THE WAY!" Fred pounded Scott with enough force to throw him across the street and send him crashing through the window of the closed Dunkin' Donuts. Pietro ran behind Jean and threw her sleeping bag on her.

"Hrmph!"

"Sorry, Jeanie, but this is between us and them. Better sit this one out and give us a call next week!" Pietro ran to the Dunkin' Donuts with the confused Jean, pulled her hands behind her and tied them to the door.

"You want some too?!" Lance yelled at Kurt. Kurt teleported onto Lance's shoulders, but some green sludge flew at his face and knocked him off. Kurt hit his head against one of the machines and slipped off into la-la-land.

"Hey! How'd you get loose?!" Pietro yelled.

"You forgot to tie a knot!" Todd yelled back.

"I... DAMN! I got careless!" Pietro and Fred stood on one side of the store, standing against Lance and Todd. Off to the side, but equally distant from each group, Wanda leaned against the counter. "I guess I get to be the judge. Challengers, ready! Let's have a good, clean fight!"

Todd was the first to make a move, pouncing towards Pietro, but he should've known that he wouldn't stand still long enough for it to work. Without a target, Todd was rather disoriented and didn't even notice Fred moving to catch him. Fred had one of Todd's tiny, webbed hands in each of his massive fists. Moving as fast as a fat mutant could, Fred spun around with the screaming Todd.

"Sorry to have to do this, Toad!" Fred said to him. "You shouldn't have messed with us!"

"Yo, I still got some tricks up my sleeve! You shouldn't have let my face point towards you!" Todd's tongue flew out and slapped Fred between the eyes. Fred dropped back in confusion and released his amphibious adversary. Across the room, Pietro was busy running in circles around an already aggravated Lance, who kept trying to land a good punch on him. After stopped for a brief moment, Lance pointed his hand towards the ground. Pietro was running too fast to notice this, until he tripped on a rock that had broken out of the floor. He rolled along the ground at high-speed until he hit a wall.

"Careful with those speed bumps, Pietro!"

"Speed bumps... urgh..." the dazed Pietro mumbled. Before he could stand up, Lance grabbed him by the collar and started slapping him. He would've punched him, but he wanted to mock him while he had the chance.

"Like that? Like being slapped, do you?"

"Er... stop..."

"I know you've got your little fetishes!"

"Cut it out!" Pietro started slapping Lance at high-speed and broke out of his hold. Unfortunately, Fred had already started charging in their direction, and couldn't stop after Todd had hopped out of the way. Fred crashed against the wall, smashing both Lance and Pietro right through it.

"Argh... I think I'm gonna take a break," Pietro mumbled under the rubble.

"Yeah... that sounds good," Lance replied. Fred and Todd watched them through the hole, and shrugged. After they had pulled their comrades from the hole in the wall, they stepped outside. The Bayville Police were there, waiting for them.

"Hands up, mutant scum!"

Further down the street, a certain bald professor spoke with a heavyset middle-aged man. "Now see all the damage those goons have done to my store?! Now I'll have to postpone the opening at least two weeks!" The Krispy Kreme owner said to Xavier. "And mutants, too! Now I KNOW you were behind this, Xavier!"

"Hmm, I might have been. But those were not my students. You have no proof."

"Well, fine. What do you want from me, Xavier?"

"Your blood."

"W-what?!"

"Well, if that's not a option, the perhaps I'm willing to buy the Krispy Kreme from you."

"What? You want a donut monopoly, Xavier?!"

"Precisely." Xavier took his checkbook and started scribbling on it. "Now, I'm prepared to make you an offer... it's much more than you paid for the franchise, but I'm willing to pay this much." The KK Owner took the check and looked at it with wide eyes. "So, what do you think?"

"Hmmm... throw in some private time with that redhead tied to your store, and we'll call it a deal."

"It can be arranged." Back at the Krispy Kreme, Wanda was prepared to fight the police herself, until Xavier intervened. "A minor accident officers, but I'm willing to overlook it. Thank you for your time, but I'll deal with them myself."

"Uh... and who are you?"

"Why I'm the owner of this shop. I have the contract right here," Xavier showed them his newly-signed contract. Elsewhere, Jean got into a car with a heavyset middle-aged man who had a wide grin on his face. "I'll take care of these troublemakers, thank you, officers."

"Hrm. Suit yourself." Fred set Pietro and Lance down on the sidewalk. Lance was beginning to wake up, and shook his head in confusion. "Toad, did we finish the job?"

"Eh... not really."

"I won't be needing your services anymore," Xavier told him.

"What? Why not?" Lance paused for a moment. "Hey, we're keeping those papers!"

"Alright, alright, but I have recently bought this Krispy Kreme shop from its original owner. I've realized that if I control both sides of the donut game in this town, then I ultimately control the city!" Xavier explained with maniacal laughter.

"Wait, how does that work?" Xavier was too busy laughing to explain to him.

"But anyway, you and your friends my leave now. The Krispy Kreme shop is now mine."

"Why didn't you just buy it out in the first place?!"

"Because then I could not have used you as my puppets!" Xavier yelled with an evil grin. "I wanted you to dance for me! Dance! DANCE!"

"Revolution!" Todd yelled for no reason.

"So then why did you give us those secrets about your students?"

"He's an asshole like that," Scott said. He and Kurt were back on their feet.

"Oh. Well... this is all... very anti-climactic."

"Yes. You have three minutes to leave my shop before I call the police back."

--------------------

After two weeks, the Krispy Kreme finally opened. Lance and Pietro had to stay at home to recover from their injuries, with Todd and Wanda tending to them. As for Fred, he had gone to the opening to get some donuts for everyone.

"He's been gone a while," Lance said.

"There's probably lines," Pietro explained. "You saw the line around the block last time."

"Right. Toad, morphine."

"Morphine? I haven't been givin' you any. You ain't even bad enough to need any of that."

"I know, but I want you to get me some anyway." Fred walked through the door, carrying six boxes of donuts. He set them down on the coffee table and smiled. "So these are the donuts?" Lance asked.

"Yup! Dig in!" Pietro and Fred each took a box and dug right in. Lance, Wanda and Todd were a little hesitant.

"Well... go ahead and grab a donut, Toad."

"Huh? Why me?"

"You're the official taster," Wanda told him. Todd wasn't sure whether to smile at his title or frown at his job. Using his tongue, he snared one from the top box. He chewed on it for a moment, tasting it. Then he stopped suddenly, with a wide look in his eyes.

"Well? How is it?"

"Oh... my..."

"See?!" Pietro yelled. "Toad understands that these donuts are pure heaven!"

"There's been a mistake," Todd said. "A terrible mistake... they've gone too far, this is madness!"

"What?!"

"Excuse me while I get a glass of water!" Todd hopped out of the living room as fast as he could. Lance took a donut, figuring that Todd was just overreacting. He took a bite, and his eyes widened as well.

"Oh my God... is this FRIED?!"

"Yeah," Pietro replied with a clear 'duh' tone.

"WHO FRIES DONUTS?! WHO FRIES DONUTS?!" Lance yelled hysterically. After seeing Todd and Lance's reactions, Wanda decided that they were wusses and tried one. She spit it out.

"Ugh... I... ugh... I'd rather kiss Toad than finish that!" Fortunately, Todd was too busy washing his mouth out to hear her.

"I'll never understand you people," Pietro said. Meanwhile, at the Xavier Institute, a certain bald professor in a wheelchair counted his money in the study. His evil laughter filled the mansion, and nobody at the Institute slept comfortably that night.

**The End**

**Lance's comment when he first tries the donut at the end is, word for word, exactly what I said when I first tried a Krispy Kreme donut.**


	34. Gambit's Gambit

**The disclaimer is going out to get us all some food!**

**Wait a minute... the disclaimer's car broke down... it's... it's coming back here.**

**Dammit.**

**Okay, guys. The disclaimer is here. I was trying to get it to leave, but here it is...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I don't own anything. Okay, I own stuff but... oh, you know what I mean. Marvel owns X-Men: Evolution, but owns little else... oops! Looks like you suck, Marvel!**

**Wow, is the disclaimer always that harsh? Anyway, here's the fic, you PEASANTS... peasents... pheasants? Yum... Oh, and excuse the grammer... arghg... grammar. That's it. I'm going to kill myself once I'm done writing this thing.**

It was another evening at the Brotherhood of Bayville Boarding House, meaning that everything was messy and nobody was doing anything productive... except for Lance.

"Just what the hell are you doing?!" Pietro yelled. Lance had set up a large canvas in the living room and several paints on the coffee table. The furniture had been moved towards the walls and the canvas completely blocked the television. Pietro was not happy to be missing his soap operas. "There are other people in this house you know, like me!"

"Shut your trap, Pietro," Lance snapped. "I'm trying to flex my artistic muscles."

"Since when are you even INTO art?! Just two months ago we trashed that art exhibit at the museum!"

"That museum visit was your idea, and this was Toad's. He said I needed to work out my anger, and he suggested this."

"Well, okay... but does it have to be so damn big?"

"I have a lot of anger, okay?" Lance dipped a large brush in some green paint and started wiping it all over the canvas. "So when is your dad going to give us some orders, anyway? I'm getting tired of waiting around."

"He said he'd send an agent over sometime this week."

"Oh, dammit." Lance dipped the brush in red paint and started smearing it all over the canvas. "Who is he sending this time? It better not be that jerk Mastermind, he smells like he's never showered in his life!" The front door flew open, and an ignited card flew into the living room. Pietro quickly ran for cover as Lance sighed. The card exploded, and paint flew everywhere.

"Did you have to do that?" Lance asked Gambit as he casually walked in and leaned on the doorway.

"I said you'd be repaintin' this room, and I don't go back on my word."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Gambit's Gambit"**

**King of the Worthless**

"Okay, listen up," Gambit told the assembled Brotherhood (except Wanda) in the front lawn. "Now that Quicksilver here has had enough time to train you boys, I'm going to run a few tests."

"We haven't actuall-" Pietro elbowed Todd to shut him up. "We're ready for any challenge," Pietro told him. "What does Magneto want us to do?"

"Well..." Gambit looked at Lance's jeep. "First thing's first. All four of you are going to take a test, and none of you can help each other. It's all about you as an individual. Magneto wants you to come up with your own plans, so all I can give you is directions. Once you're done following the instructions, report to the outdoor theater near the school, and I'll meet you there to give you instructions on your final test, which will require all of you to work together. We clear on all this?"

"We can handle this," Pietro confidently told him.

"One question," Fred said. "Why isn't Wanda doing this?"

"Daddy don't want his little girl in any danger."

"That's smart thinkin'," Todd remarked. Gambit handed a folded piece of paper from his coat to each of them. "It's all clearly marked, so you shouldn't have any trouble reading it. That's all I got to say. I'll meet you at the theater when you're all done."

"Right. Okay, let's get to work!" They piled into the jeep and drove off. Gambit made sure they were gone before stepping into their house, grabbing one of their sodas, sitting on their couch, and watching their TV.

"Hey, where is everyone?" Wanda asked.

"Oh they had some things to take care of... but don't you worry, cherie, I'll keep you company." Gambit replied with a wink.

--------------------

"Okay, here's the plan," Pietro explained, riding shotgun, "We'll drop you guys off at wherever you're supposed to be, and then we'll meet back at the theater, like he said."

"Of course, this is MY jeep, so I'm going to be dropping you off," Lance said. "After that, you guys are on your own for transportation."

"What? But-"

"Hey, you can run, okay?"

"Ah, but you make a good point, Lance!"

"I am stoked, I am ready!" Todd said from the backseat. "You guys have all been loafin' around, but I've been keepin' on my toes. I'm so good, I've even grown a new mutant power!"

"Really? What?" Pietro asked.

"I can turn invisible... when nobody's lookin'."

"No way!"

"Yes way! Watch, nobody look at me!"

"Well then how am I supposed to see if you're invisible or not?"

"Both of you, shut up!" Lance yelled.

"I'm the leader here, and I want Toad to explai..."

"This is my stop!" Todd yelled. Lance didn't even bother braking as Todd jumped out of the jeep, rolled along the ground, and stood back up. "Dammit! I want to know how he can turn invisible!" Lance rolled his eyes and continued his drive.

"So... wait, where is this place?" Fred asked, looking at his instructions. Pietro looked at them, them back at Fred. "Well?"

"Fred, that's the mall we trashed a few weeks ago, with Wanda."

"The mall?! Is it really called 'Bayville Mall?' I could've sworn it was Northview, or Park Plaza or something!"

"No, Fred. Everything in this stupid town is named Bayville."

--------------------

Todd hopped into the alley between a small office building and an apartment building and jumped straight up, attaching himself to the wall, then jumping to the opposite wall, and so on until he reached the roof of the office building.

"Aw, sweet, can the Toad kick it or what?" Todd sat on the ledge of the roof and looked down at the windows of the top floor. Fortunately, one of them was open. He jumped, grabbed a desk inside with his tongue, and shot through the open window. The lights were off, except for one lamp at the desk of a late worker, typing away at his computer.

"Issue of the first party interfering with the second party... wait, I did this one already..." Todd kept low, ducking behind empty desks and slowly making his way towards him. "Seven in the account, five in cash... 401K? When did this show up? Smith never authorized that... better make a few-" Todd hopped onto the desk, between him and the monitor. "Oh. A mutant kid. Listen, this is a real longshot, but would you happen to know if Smith authorized a 401K for-" The worker was hit in the face with a glob of slime and thrown out of his chair. "Okay. I'm gonna take that as a no."

"Alright, what am I lookin' for..." Todd checked Gambit's instructions... a disk labeled "Jordan Account." Todd looked through the desk drawers and found it- a red floppy with "Jordan Account" sloppily written on it. Todd hopped off the desk and made his way back to the window.

"Hey, hey, before you go, how do I get this stuff off?"

"Er... club soda."

"Really? Wow, is there anything that stuff can't do?" Todd jumped out the window four floors down to the street, and hopped into the night...

"OW!"

...Until he was hit by a car.

"Uh... kid, you okay?" the driver asked.

"Er... ack... I ain't doin' too well..."

"I'd better get you to a hospital! Oh, I hope my insurance will cover this!"

"No, no... can't go there... gotta get to the theater!"

"...The theater. Kid, you're in need of medical attention, I admit it was my own fault, and if my insurance company doesn't cover this, then I'll pay your bills myself."

"Look... take me to that outdoor theater near the high school, and we call it even, yo..."

"Hmph. You're the boss."

--------------------

Fred looked at his notes, and found that his job was pretty simple and straightforward. He was to find Dr. John Sksdjka... which Fred thought was a bizarre name, but a job was a job. He busted apart the front doors of the Bayville Mall and casually walked in.

"The mall's closed! Get out of here!" an older security guard told him. Fred ignored him and continued on his way. "Hey! Hey! You broke the door! Hey, I'm gonna have to call the police on you, son!"

"No, wait! Wait a minute..." Fred started advancing on the old guard.

"Now... now hold on there... what are you doing?" Fred grabbed the old guard by the collar and lifted him up to eye level. "I mean... I don't HAVE to call the police..."

"No, no, it ain't like that... I'm just wondering if you could tell me where Dr. John... Skkss.. d... er... I dunno how to pronounce this." Fred held up the piece of paper. "You know where he is?"

"Oh... Dr. John... ah... he's on the other side of the mall... he works that side, I'm over here."

"Okay. Thanks!" Fred dropped the old guard and casually walked to the other side of the mall. He found a young man pointing a flashlight at him. "Hey, are you Dr. John?"

"Yes, I'm Dr. John... who are you? What are you doing here? I'll call the police!"

"You're coming with me, buddy!" Fred picked him up and slung him over his shoulder.

"AH! THIS IS KIDNAPPING!"

"Hey, if you're a doctor, why are you a security guard?" Fred asked.

"AAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! Actually, it's just a nickname, since I like to play doctor with the ladies, if you know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Mind explaining?"

"Er... uh... I'm just gonna continue screaming."

"That's fine."

"I'LL SAVE YOU DR. JOHN!" The older guard tackled Fred, but just bounced off. Fred shrugged and continued. "I wish they gave us guns... wait! CATTLE PROD SAVES THE DAY!"

"Wha?!" The older guard took a cattle prod from his belt and stuck it between the fat folds in the back of Fred's neck. "Arrgh!! ARRRGH! STOP THAT! THAT HURTS!!"

"I don't get it! You should be unconscious by now!"

"STOP IT!!" Fred knocked the guard away, but the cattle prod was still stuck between his neck. He was unable to reach it, but it wasn't on, so he continued on his way. Every step he took activated it for a brief second, but he had to make it to the theater in time to meet the others...

--------------------

Lance wasted no time in accomplishing his task. He had left the jeep running in the Bayville Museum parking lot. Rather than go in through the door, Lance made his own door in the wall and walked right on through. "Much cooler than using a stupid door." Oddly enough, the alarm did not go off.

"You there! You have five seconds to identify yourself before I fire!" a security guard yelled.

"Holy crap, you guys mean business, don't you?"

"Two... one..."

"Bah!" Lance waved his hand and tripped the guard, while also breaking several vases (apparently, there was some sort of vase exhibit in town) and triggering the alarm. "Crap! I gotta hurry!" Lance run down the corridor while trying to read the instructions. "Sapphire gauntlet... sapphire gauntlet, where am I gonna find this piece of shit?"

"There he is! Fire!"

"AAH!" Lance caused a random tremor in his panic, which fortunately knocked down a wall and blocked the guards off. He continued running in an arbitrary direction before he took another look at the note.

"...Gauntlet is near museum entrance?! Fuck, NOW he tells me!" Angrily, Lance headed back to the collapsed wall, jumping past the buried guards and heading back to the entrance.

"Ah! Back for more?"

"Damn!" Lance had forgotten about the first guard, who had just regained his footing. Off to the side, he saw what he was looking for- a gauntlet with a sapphire embedded into it, which was part of a full set of armor. Lance glanced at it, then back at the guard. The guard took a quick glance himself, realizing what Lance was after. They both dashed to get there first, and both took hold of the gauntlet, childishly trying to pull it away from each other. From behind them three shots were fired.

"ERG! AAARGH! YOU IDIOTS!!" The guard fell, bleeding from his arm and leg. Lance grinned and started to run, before realizing that the third shot had hit his leg. How he failed to notice it, he didn't know. Only one guard had freed himself from the rubble, and he was tending to the other guard he had accidentally shot. It took everything Lance had to stand up and limp back to the jeep with his prize in tow.

--------------------

Pietro was already inside the Bayville Observatory, casually walking around with the clothes he had stolen from some junior astronomer. Though closed to the public, the observatory was still open at a late hour... after all, these guys make a living watching the stars. He waved to a passing scientist, who waved back without really looking up from his notes. Pietro stopped to look at a map of the galaxy... or at least, that's what he wanted the camera to think. As soon as the camera was looking away, he sped off and into an off-limits room that the passing scientist had just exited, making it in just before the door could close and lock.

"Too smooth..." Pietro was surprised to find more scientists and astronomers... dancing around. "What... are... you... doing?"

"Tonight is the night when the eight guardian stars align!" one of the older ones told him.

"...Huh?"

"That is when they look down at us mortal beings and judge whether or not we are worthy of their protection!"

"They protect us from the nine demon stars!" a whiny-voiced teenaged intern yelled. The others screamed in terror, but continued their dance.

"Okay... uh... can someone tell me where to find a map of the moon? I'm new here."

"I happen to have one on CD with me!" the older scientist yelled. "Take it, my young friend! Do what you must, but return before the five great beasts appear in the sky, for if we do not please the eight guardians, they will come down and devour us!"

"Okay... right..." Pietro rolled his eyes and left the room. All things considered, his mission had been a success. Sure, he would rather not have seen the astronomers acting so unprofessionally, but he knew that everyone had their weird little secrets. Has waited for the camera to turn away before zipping out the door and down the hill...

"GUARDIAN SPIRITS, HEAR US!" the scientist yelled through a megaphone. Pietro was startled by this and stumbled all the way down the hill.

--------------------

Fred sat perfectly still at on the stage of the outdoor theater, with an unconscious Dr. John next to him. There was a perfectly good bag of Cheetos in his front pocket, and he really wanted them, but he couldn't move too much. He was groing uncomfortable, but refused to shift because it might set off the cattle prod. He watched as Lance limped his way to the stage with a gauntlet in hand.

"Hey Lance..."

"Hi... Freddy. Having fun sitting on your ass?"

"I gotta. One of the guards stuck one of those shock-things in my neck and I can't get it out. What happened to you?"

"Shot." Lance sat down next to him and took a deep breath. "I hope this was all worth it."

"Eh. We got our stuff. We passed."

"So did I..." Todd tried to hop towards them, but tripped and fell back to the ground. "Argh..."

"What happened?" Fred asked.

"Got run over." Pietro appeared then, struggling to stand with all the bruises covering him. "Yo, yo... Pietro, mind giving me a hand?"

"Fine." Pietro kicked Todd and rolled him up a ramp up to the stage. Once Todd was safely lying in a fetal position next to Lance, Pietro sat down. "Okay. We all did what Gambit told us to do?" Everyone nodded, groaned, or grunted. "Okay. I guess we just wait."

"I know him. Gambit's my man. He won't let his man Pietro down. He'll be here any minute..."

--------------------

Gambit popped open a bottle of wine as he walked into the dimmed living room, lit only with a few scented candles, wearing a red velvet robe. He had popped in a smooth jazz CD to build some mood. He grinned at Wanda, who sat on the couch looking through a deck of cards.

"Hey, you only have royal flush cards, why is that?"

"Because, my sweet thing, the little things don't matter, there's only a few people worth looking out for..." Gambit took the King of Hearts, "the King..." with his other hand, Gambit took the Queen of Hearts. "The Queen of-" By accident, Gambit had charged the card and it exploded. "Shit."

"What did you call me?!"

"No, baby, it's not like that," Gambit took Wanda's hand, holding it between both of his hands with a gentle touch. "The Queen of Hearts is you, and ain't no other woman who I want to be the queen of my heart." He placed her hand against his chest. "Every queen needs her king..."

"Can we stop talking about cards now?"

"The Queen ain't limited to cards, cherie..." Gambit took a chess piece from under the couch. "The Queen is the most important piece in that game... more important than even the King."

"Wait, I thought the King was the most important..."

"Don't ever let anyone tell you that your man is more important than you... I'd gladly be your Pawn, my Queen, and I would gladly sacrifice myself for you..."

"Gambit?"

"Yes, cherie?"

"You're starting to get creepy. Can we talk about something else?"

"Er... okay," Gambit sat down on the couch next to Wanda. "So... how's school?"

"I don't go to school."

"Oh... oh, uh... what did you have for breakfast?"

"Well, we all actually went to IHOP for breakfast today. We were celebrating a scam we pulled on the Xavier kids, and so we decided it'd be nice to have a decent breakfast for a change..."

"Mmm-hmmm..." Gambit mumbled.

"So anyway, I had the-"

"UNHAND HER!" Came a voice, loud and determined. Gambit stood ready with his staff and Wanda looked around, but saw nobody. Slowly, Todd crawled in through the door. "Argh... so weak..."

"Toad, what happened?"

"Gambit happened!" Lance yelled as he limped in after Todd, along with Pietro and a very careful Fred. "So this is your game! You sent us off to find four stupid items just so you could try and sweet-talk Wanda!"

"Wait a minute," Gambit said. "You boys actually found this stuff?"

"Yeah, we got it," Pietro told him, "And then we realized that you'd stood us up!"

"Boys, you gotta understand, this is all part of Magneto's plan-"

"Plan nothing!" Fred yelled. "I found a Dr. John Sksdjka and I beat him up! Then his buddy stuck one of those shocky things on me and I can't get it out!"

"Yeah, that one's weird, I made that name up... strange, strange world we live in." Gambit shook his head and continued with his explanation. "Magneto set this plan up to see if you boys could realize you've been tricked."

"What? He did?"

"I... I guess that makes sense," Pietro admitted.

"That don't explain why you're trying to romance my babycakes!" Todd yelled, then groaned.

"Oh, just testing Wanda to see if she would betray her father..."

"And she wouldn't."

"Yeah, she... awww, fuck." The staff trembled in Gambit's hands. They had a new visitor, who was standing just one foot behind him. "Er... hi... boss..."

"Gambit. You sent my son and his agents away on false pretenses..." Magneto moved in closer, and his stare became more intimidating, "...So you could seduce my daughter?"

"See, it was a test-"

"Without my approval?"

"Er... aw, screw it. Just kill me and be done with it."

"Kill you?" Magneto stood up straight and smiled, the sight of which made Gambit cower. "No. There are fates worse than death, Gambit." Magneto's smile grew even more wicked. "Much worse."

--------------------

Lance sat at his chair painting something on a smaller canvas while his leg sat on the coffee table, with a brace on it. Fred, meanwhile, sat on the couch, rubbing his neck, while Pietro rubbed antisceptic wash on his wounds and Todd...

"Someone rotate me over so I can see th' TV..."

Todd was on a small bed wearing a full body cast. The cast wasn't so tight that it limited his speech, but he still couldn't eat anything and had to be fed using an IV. A fly buzzed around the opening for his eyes, and Todd growled in frustration. "This BUMS, yo."

"Aw, shut up, Toad," Pietro grumbled. Wanda ran down the stairs to the door, carrying her coat. "Whoa, whoa, where are you heading off to?"

"Oh, Mike and I are going ice skating."

"Mike?!" Todd yelled. "Who's Mike?!"

"He's this guy I met at the coffee shop last week." A car honked outside. "See ya later guys!"

"I can't believe my schnookums is out with another man!" Todd screamed.

"Hey, relax," Lance comforted him. "If it makes you feel any better, Magneto's probably got someone following her and they'll never find his body."

"Thanks, Lance. You're a real pal. Well, I'm gonna take a nap, fellas."

"Wait just a minute," Pietro demanded. "You said you can turn invisible."

"...When nobody's looking."

"Yeah, so show me!"

"Pietro, I can't be invisible when you're looking right at me!"

"Alright, I'll turn around! The rest of you close your eyes, too!" Lance and Fred shrugged and did as ordered. Todd rolled his eyes, and yelled half-heartedly, "Guys! Check it out, I'm invisible!"

"AHA!" Pietro yelled, turning around in the blink of an eye. Todd was still visible. "Hey!"

"You can't look at me, yo!"

"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE YOU TURN INVISIBLE THEN?!"

"Pietro, think about it for a moment," Fred told him. Pietro raised an eyebrow at his bulkier and dimmer companion. Taking the hint, Fred explained it to him. "See, when nobody's looking at him, nobody can see him."

Pietro paused for a moment, looked back at Todd, then at Fred. "FUCK YOU ALL!" He stormed out of the living room and up the stairs, and the door to his room slammed shut. Lance shrugged and continued painting.

"What's that supposed to be?" Fred asked.

"It's an abstract painting. The black and red represents my anger at all that bullshit Gambit made us do. The green, blue and grey represent my frustration at having to live with you guys." Lance sighed. "You know, this was a great idea, Toad. I feel a lot better. Just one thing that I'd like to know... what happened to Gambit?"

--------------------

"You will not make the mistake of crossing me again, Gambit," Magneto declared.

"No... never again..." Gambit told his boss with sincerity and fear in his voice.

"Good night." Magneto left the room and Gambit to his fate. He dipped his washrag into the bucket of soapy water and looked between the two bathtubs, not sure which of his two chores was worse.

"Mastermind, when was the last time you took a bath?" Gambit nervously asked.

"Three days," Mastermind replied. "How about you?"

"Four months," Sabretooth bellowed. Gambit then understood which was the greater of the two evils. "Get in there good, runt. I expect to be clean enough to last another four months."

Gambit would never cross Magneto again.

**The End**

**Ouch, I was a bit rough on Gambit there. What, are you Remy fanatics gonna egg my house?**


	35. Tabitha's Homecoming

**The disclaimer will be appearing today, except that it will be in Geonosian.**

**Disclaimer: click click Grrraarroooorrrkkg click wheeze click click clickclick Weeetggggooohowwwoookdaaaa. click click huggggdgaaadddhooo, weerr daughhthttt, click click (nirrrffaaarrrko, wwwyiiiasdddnmoonimzzyyygggg, click)**

**All glory to Poggle the Lesser!**

**Alright, alright, I lied. There's no Romy here. No Rietro, no Kurmanda, no Jott, no ;;. It was all a ruse. HA! YOU FELL FOR IT! I WIN! YOU ARE MY SLAVE! But seriously, there's tons of Omnitha here, and a tiny, TINY bit of Lancitty. What's Omnitha? Well... you do the math. If you're too lazy, read and find out.**

**All glory to Poggle the Lesser! Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Few people ever looked in the trash can. Normally, this was a good thing.

"Toad, did you get the mail?" Pietro asked. He sat at the kitchen table, sipping on some orange juice in his green-blue (or whatever the hell color his costume is) robe. Todd hopped in and jumped on the table, knocking Pietro's glass onto his lap. "TOAD!"

"Er, sorry. Uh... yeah, I got th' mail. It was all junk, though."

"No bills? That's a relief... wait a minute, did you even check the mail?"

"Not really. Lance went over it and just left all th' junk there, like he always does."

"Good morning, jerks," Lance announced as Todd poured himself a bowl of cereal. "Do we have any ba... hey! Toad, you ass!"

"What?! What did I do?!" Todd then realized that the bowl was clear. "Er... oh. Sorry, Lance!" Todd hopped away as Lance swiped his fist at him. "It was in th' cupboard, I dunno who put it there!"

"Well..." Lance thought about it as he washed his helmet. "You just said it wasn't you, Fred wouldn't do anything this stupid, Wanda doesn't care enough to spite me like this, this is too lowbrow for Pietro... so who the hell was it?"

"Morning, fellas!" Tabitha yelled.

"OH GOD DAMMIT."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Tabitha's Homecoming"**

**King of the Worthless**

"Did you miss me?" Tabitha asked. She wore a white robe, though it slid down a bit and exposed her shoulder (how NAUGHTY!!!!).

"Hey, hey, what do you think you're doing here?!" Lance yelled.

"I gave you guys fair warning, lighten up!"

"Fair warning?!"

"I sent you a letter, didn't you read it?" Pietro quickly dashed to the trash can and looked through it. Among the junk mail Todd had thrown out there was a letter from Tabitha (with the i dotted with a little heart-shaped bomb). "Aw, you guys threw it out? But I thought you loved me! Well, time for a shower! If any of you boys want to watch, feel free!" Tabitha pranced upstairs. Lance and Pietro gave Todd the glare of his life.

"...Well it's not like we ain't used to it! Right?"

"Guys, there's some girl singing Madonna songs in the shower," Wanda said as she entered the kitchen. "Don't tell me... one of you losers finally has a girlfriend?"

"She's sort of everyone's girlfriend," Lance said. Fred lumbered down the stairs, wearing thick, feminine makeup. Lance tried to keep from laughing, but the others showed no such restraint.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Fred groaned. "She got me in my sleep... what are you going to do about her?"

"About who? Who is she?" Wanda asked.

"Gather 'round, children," Pietro said, "And hear the tale of... BOOM BOOM." The guys all shuddered. "Once, long ago, before the arrival of the Scarlet Witch, the Brotherhood consisted of only four... and then, a fifth, one of the X-Men's new kids, decided to move in! And she was a whore, a mighty whore! She ate all their food! She stole all their money! She broke their stuff! She-"

"Get to the point!"

"...She left, and now she's back."

"I see. So none of you losers were man enough to stand up to her." The guys all looked down sheepishly. "Okay. I'll just have to fix that myself." She stomped up the stairs, with blue energy clearly glowing around her hands. They heard a quick "hey!" followed by a zapping noise and a quick THONK. Tabitha walked down the stairs wearing a heavy towel on her head and a decidely smaller towel covering her body. It seemed to hold onto her tightly, and her wet body only made it stick tighter.

"I'm gonna watch some TV while I dry off, okay?" Tabitha announced with a grin and walked into the living room.

"She got Wanda," Todd whispered. "Guys, we're screwed!"

"Well, let's face it, she doesn't have any kind of control over any of us anymore," Pietro said. "Toad's got that infatuation with Wanda, Lance's still in denial about Kitty..." Lance snorted. "Me... well, she's just not my type, and Fred..." Pietro looked around. "Speaking of Blob, where'd he go?"

"I... uh..." Fred was in the living room, standing next to Tabitha, who was reclining on the couch. Fred had his hands behind his back and his head was hung slightly lower than usual. "Can I make you a sandwich or something?"

"Freddy, you're such a sweetie!" Tabitha said. Fred walked into the kitchen with a proud smile as his "brothers" glared at him.

"What?"

"Fred, you idiot, she's got you on a leash," Lance told him. "You know she's just using you again."

"Shut up, Tabby's a nice girl. I don't meet too many nice girls these days, and my grandpa said that if I ever did, I shouldn't ever, ever, EVER let them get away!"

"Nice girl?" Pietro retorted. "Look at her, she's a whore! Who does she think she is, Cleopatra?"

"And what if I do? You guys have a problem?" Fred asked, raising his massive fists.

"...I'm gonna go check on Wanda," Todd said and hopped up the stairs. Lance and Pietro muttered nervous excuses and followed him up. Fred grinned to himself then opened the fridge door.

--------------------

"So, Toad..." Tabitha said in her best sultry voice as she opened Todd's door. The room was exactly as it was the last time she was there... completely devoid of anything resembling organization. She remembered that on more than a few occasions the others had said his room had become so filthy that its bacteria had banded together to form a sentient being, a living room so to speak, and seeing it again, she didn't doubt it. "How's it going?"

"Just fine," Todd muttered, adding finishing touches to a model of some movie monster or creature, or something like that.

"Hmm... say Toddles..." Todd cringed when she called him that, "I've been DYING to see that new Mel Gibson movie... hey, you free Friday night?"

"Nope," Todd replied, not looking away from his work.

"No? What are you doing Friday night?"

"Staying home, staring at a picture of Wanda."

"Oh come on, Wanda doesn't even know you exist! I mean, you're still young, why not go out and enjoy yourself!"

"Can't. Staying home, staring at a picture of Wanda. Maybe play a few video games, too."

"Phhp. What's she got that I ain't got?" Tabitha asked, bending over with her hands on his desk so that she could see her cleavage.

"Class. Class and dignity."

"Hrmph!" Tabitha stormed out of the room. Todd's room was right across from Pietro's room. She stood at the doorway and knocked on the half-open door. His room was excessively neat, without a single speck of dust anywhere. Pietro was sitting in his chair, reading Entertainment Weekly.

"What?" he said, annoyed. Tabitha rolled her eyes and moved on to the next room. Lance's room wasn't as neat as Pietro's, but it wasn't as disastrous as Todd's. Lance was making a phone call.

"Lance, you bull stud, who are you talking to? A giiiiirlfriend?"

"Yeah, I am. Now fuck off. ...Hello? Beat it Summers, where's Kitty? What do you mean she doesn't want to talk to me? You're lying to me, Summers! I should go over there and kick your ass right no-" Tabitha shook her head and moved on to the next room. Fred's room had a few wrestling posters, even a poster of himself from the Texas State Fair.

"Freddy! Watcha doing?"

"Heh, I'm making a necklace!" Fred had tied a string around a little a little yellow marble that closely resembled one of Tabitha's bombs. "What do you think?"

"Freddy, you're such a sweetie! I don't know why I ever left!" Tabitha feigned laughter as she put it on, and Fred smiled cheerfully. "Well, I'm gonna go catch up on some reading, okay? Catch you later, you cutie!" Tabitha skipped off until she was out of Fred's range and then trudged down the stairs to the bookcase in the living room. Her return wasn't as well-received as she expected. She could always count on Fred, being the lonely sap he was... but last time, she had Todd under her thumb as well, and to a lesser extent, Pietro. Lance was always saving himself for Kitty.

"You like books, do you?" Wanda asked. "Let me guess, your favorite is Moby Dick?"

"Well what is YOUR problem? Are you mad that I clocked you with the hair dryer today, are you jealous that a real woman's catching everyone's eye?"

"Real woman, please. You're just a dirty tramp looking for a place to stay. Couldn't afford a hotel, so you decided you'd try using something ELSE as payment."

"You BITCH! How dare you!" Pietro rushed down the stairs, followed by Lance and Fred, and Todd, who hopped over them.

"What's going on?"

"CATFIGHT!" Fred, Lance and Todd yelled.

"C'mon, we gotta stop this," Pietro told them as a lamp flew over his head, followed by shards of an exploding vase.

"We can't," Lance said. "It's a guy rule. Catfights gotta stop themselves." Fred and Todd slowly nodded, grinning like idiots.

"You know, just once I wish you geeks would think with your heads and not your penises." Pietro ran into the living room and stood between the dueling ladies. "Wanda, Tabitha, let's settle this like adults!"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" A blue bolt blasted him into the kitchen.

"You were saying?"

"Shut up, Lance."

"Pietro's right, this is a waste of time," Wanda said. She turned her head away with a "HMPH!" and marched upstairs.

"What a manipulative bitch!" Tabitha yelled. "I mean, she thinks she can come in here and just take over, and everyone's supposed to love her?"

"She's my sister," Pietro said.

"She helped us beat the X-Men," Lance said.

"She's sort of nice to me," Fred said, sheepishly.

"She's a goddess," Todd said.

"So that's how it's gonna be? Fine!" Tabitha ran up the stairs to her room and slammed the door. She had gotten the wrong room, opened the door, went back to the room that was actually hers, and slammed that door.

--------------------

Irritated, Wanda decided that a nice shower would help her calm down. She turned on the hot water, then turned on a bit of the cold water to make sure it wasn't too hot. As the hot steam filled the bathroom, she slipped off her clothes and got in, letting the warm water wash all over her bod-

Suddenly, she heard a noise. She looked out of the curtain and saw a gloved hand coming in from the window, holding a knife.

Oh COME ON. You KNEW that was coming.

Wanda screamed and shot a hex bolt at it. The knife fell onto the floor and the arm flew back out the window. She quickly rushed to see who it was, but they were already gone.

"Hey, what's going on in there?" It was Todd. Of course he would be the first to arrive. "Babycakes, you alright?" Wanda quickly wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. The others (with the notable exception of Tabitha) were all there.

"Someone had it in for me," Wanda said, holding up the knife. "And I've got a pretty good idea who."

"Hey, this is one of our knives," Fred said. "I used this to cut some ham for that sandwich I made Tabby."

"That does it! That gutter-whore has gone too far! I'm going to go finish her off!" Wanda yelled.

"Whoa, whoa, hold it," Fred said to her. "She's downstairs right now. She's been watching TV with me ever since you got in the shower. She couldn't have been trying to kill you!"

"How else do you explain this? Jealous slut in the house, wants all the guys' attention, so she decides to off the only other female around!"

"Look, I don't like her any more than you do," Pietro said, "But she WAS downstairs the whole time."

"You're all such cowards! Why is she still here, anyway?!"

"Er, well..." they all started mumbling something, but drifted off. Frustrated, Wanda marched downstairs and held the knife up to Tabitha, who was sitting on the couch comfortably watching a sitcom.

"Explain yourself!"

"Whoa, what's this all about?" Tabitha asked.

"SOMEONE tried to kill me a few minutes ago!"

"Gee, I wonder who would want you dead?" Tabitha gave Wanda a rather malicious grin and walked upstairs.

"She is SO dead."

--------------------

Cyclops stood in the Danger Room control room, observing a training session with some of the younger students. They were all showing off their powers, or some stupid crap like that, the younger students don't matter because they all suck and the only reason they have any fans is because the fanboys liked their original versions, not the Evolution versions, which all lack character of any kind, but nobody seems to realize that they're not the same.

...Went off on a tangent there. Sorry.

Anyway, Cyclops was monitoring a training session when something on the console beeped. He looked at the screen and saw that he was receiving a message.

"Cyclops." The screen turned blue with white text that said "INCOMING CALL." "Oh. Telephone call." Cyclops took a receiver located under the console and held it up to his ear. Realizing that his visor was in the way, he slipped it off and put on his sunglasses.

"For all that trouble, this better be an important call." Cyclops clicked over. "Xavier Institute, Scott Summers speaking."

"Summers, we've got a problem here!"

"Arghhh... Lance! I told you, Kitty doesn't want to-"

"It's not about Kitty, I swear! Listen to me, Boom Boom's decided to move in again, and-"

"Tabitha? Move in with YOU? More like you kidnapped her!"

"Do you think we WANT her here, Summers? Look, she's been causing trouble here, and-"

"So deal with it yourself, Alvers, I've got work here!"

"You think just because Xavier's made you an instructor, that makes you better than us?"

"No, that's not what makes me better than you."

"You forget that Wanda's here, too?"

"No, I haven't. Anyway, it was nice talk-"

"Summers, you idiot! Wanda gets upset easily, and if you know your students AT ALL, you know Tabitha is territorial and will want Wanda out of the way! Is any of this making sense or do you have that stupid visor on and can't hear me?" Cyclops grimaced.

"I know my students better than anyone, Alvers!" Cyclops yelled, quite obviously insulted. "Now what is it you want?"

"Come here and keep your bitch away from our bitch!" Cyclops grinned as he heard something hit Lance pretty hard. "Look, it's a war zone here, and you guys are supposed to be the heroes, now get your asses over here and help us out!"

"You forgot to say the magic word!"

"Please!" Todd yelled into the phone, obviously forced.

"No, I wasn't asking you, Tolensky."

"Fine... please," Lance whispered.

"What was that?"

"I SAID PLEASE YOU ASSHOLE!"

"We'll be right over!" Cyclops hung up and turned on the intercom. "X-Men, we've got a mission!"

--------------------

Almost as soon as Lance had hung up, Wanda had calmed down and went back to her room. Seeing this, Lance ran after her.

"Hey, what's this? I practically begged Summers to help us out, and you're just stopping? If they show up here and there's no fight, I'm gonna look like an idiot! I'll never live this down!" The wall behind Lance started to crack. "Uh... I see your point..."

Once inside her room, Wanda shook her head and sat down on her bed. Tabitha's presence was really irritating her, but she was trying her best to stay in control. She made sure to close her window, just in case the "mysterious" murderer tried anything again.

Downstairs, the others argued.

"Tabitha's nice to me!" Fred yelled. "Nicer than any of you! She respects me!"

"Blob, you knucklehead, she's just using you!" Pietro yelled back. "Do you really think she cares about you?"

"You're just jealous that she likes me and not you! You've always been jealous! You're still mad that she asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance and not you!"

"She asked Toad too, you idiot! Besides, I had four girls with me!"

"Toad just tagged along! And you never mentioned those girls again!"

"Maybe they were one-nighters," Todd suggested.

"No, he was here that night by midnight," Lance said. "If anything happened, it was quick, if you know what I mean."

"I've got more important things to do than pleasure four women, okay?"

"I think I deserve a say in this," Tabitha said, butting in.

"Why are you even here, anyway? Tired of mooching off Xavier?"

"Yeah. It got boring around there, I just decided it'd be more fun at the Brotherhood house."

"In case you haven't noticed, ain't nothin' goin' on," Todd told her.

"Yeah, but I'm here to liven things up! C'mon, you guys need me! I'm the life of the party! I bring some life into this house! C'mon, Freddy, let's go get some ice cream!"

"Okay!" Fred said enthusiastically. "We'll borrow Lance's jeep!"

"Hey, wait a minu-" They were already gone. "Well that's fucking great. Summers is gonna be here any minute to laugh it up as it is, when he finds out she stole my car, too-"

"They're takin' their time," Todd said. "You called them X-Geeks like twenty minutes ago."

"I'm sure they're watching us right now, laughing their asses off."

"Well, they're your problem. I'm goin' upstairs to finish my model." Todd hopped up the stairs. Pietro shrugged and went back up to his room. Suddenly, the door flew open. Cyclops stepped in with a hand on his visor, followed by Nightcrawler, Jean and Rogue.

"X-Men, move out!"

"Hold it, hold it!" Lance yelled. "They stopped."

"They... stopped. I thought you said they were killing each other, Alvers."

"They... they were. Then Wanda just went upstairs, and Tabitha and Fred left to get some ice cream."

"Tabitha doesn't have a car," Cyclops pointed out.

"Er... they... borrowed my jeep."

"Borrowed? I noticed the chain was busted outside... it looked like a little bomb might've hit it..."

"You got your laughs, Summers, now fuck off!"

"I'm really not sure whether to punish her for disobeying orders or reward her for making asses out of these guys!" Cyclops laughed with Jean and Kurt. They left, still laughing, as Lance grumbled and went back to his room.

--------------------

On their return, Lance met Fred and Tabitha in the living room. He and Todd were watching something on TV, but Lance focused all attention on them.

"Are you two out of your minds, where have you been?!" Lance yelled. "Who do you think you are, taking my car and just-"

"Hey, settle down, Lance!" Tabitha said. "We didn't break anything, we just went out for ice cream... and to a movie... and then we went to the park and chased some squirrels..."

"Keep it down you guys, Wanda's asleep!" Pietro said from the top of the stairs.

"Oh, wouldn't want to wake the princess, would we?" Tabitha said. "It's late and all, so I'm gonna get to bed... Freddy, care to join me?" Tabitha led Fred upstairs, who wore a huge grin on his face.

"Awww hell no, she'll give him all kinds of diseases!" Todd said. "We gotta stop 'em!"

"What can we do, Fred'll beat us to a pulp!"

"Hold on, I got an idea... come on!" Todd hopped up the stairs and Lance ran after him. They heard a scream from Wanda's room and Todd quickly hopped towards her.

"What? Toad, she can take care of herself, we've gotta help Blob!"

"My sweetums is in danger, I gotta help... uh... you go help Fred!"

"Great!" Lance had no idea what Todd's plan was, and it looked like he'd never find out, so he had to wing it. He rushed to Fred's room and kicked the door open. He saw a large shape moving under the covers and quickly threw them off...

"DAMMIT!" It was a bunch of pillows with some toy robots thrown in to give the impression of movement. "Tabby's room..." Lance ran to her room, but found that it was empty. "Well where the-"

"OH YEAAAH!" Fred yelled from the last place he expected.

"...What?!" Lance rushed in the direction of Fred's voice. "Oh no... oh God no..."

They were in Lance's room.

"GET OUT OF... what?" Lance saw that they weren't doing what he thought they were doing. "You... what the hell?" Fred was holding the bed over his head, with Tabitha laying on top of it.

"YEAH! I'M STRONGER THAN EVERYBODY!" Fred yelled triumphantly. "Hey Lance. Mind if I show off using your bed?" Tabitha rolled off before Lance had a chance to yell at them. She took an envelope from the floor under Fred and opened it.

"Ah, here's my cash! So it WAS under Lance's bed! Well, I've gotta run, nice seeing you boys again! Bye, Freddy!" Tabitha blew him a kiss and ran out of the house. Fred had a dumbfounded look on his face and slowly set the bed down.

"She used me..."

"We tried to warn you, pal," Lance told him.

"She... I don't believe it! I outsmarted her!"

"Yeah, we... what?"

"I knew she was going to try to use us for something, so I thought I'd get something out of it myself! Hehehehe!"

"Don't tell me you..."

"Nah, she's dirty. She was teasing me until she could get me to find the money for her anyway. What I did get was some spare cash!" Fred held up several hundreds with a grin.

"Fred... you genius!"

"Well, Toad kinda helped out."

"TOAD?! He was in on this?!"

"Well, he knew she left some cash lying around here, and he knew she'd be back for it... the rest was my idea! There's only one hundred bill in there there, I took all the rest and replaced it with ones, and she didn't bother to check! Brilliant, huh?"

"I..." Lance wasn't sure how to react to any of this. "Fred, you're a fucking genius. I've got new respect for you, man."

"WHAT?!" Pietro yelled across the house.

"Er... let's go check on Wanda, looks like someone tried to kill her again." Lance and Fred arrived at Wanda's room, where Todd was fanning a fainted Wanda and Pietro held someone down against the floor.

"Turns out it wasn't Tabby after all," Todd said to them. "It was..."

"Mastermind?" Lance said. Mastermind was rubbing his head after Todd had kicked him against the wall.

"He made a monster illusion and scared the crap out of Wanda," Pietro explained. His foot was planted firmly on Mastermind's chest. "Now, care to tell us what you were up to with one of OUR knives?"

"Well..." Mastermind looked over at Wanda to make sure she was still fainted. "When I went into her mind, one of the memories I gave her was of her slicing carrots and accidentally cutting her palm, and then Magneto kissed her boo-boo and make it all better and such, and then she had a scar on her palm... well, when I told him this, he realized that she had no scar on her palm, and told me I needed to fix it."

"So you came after her with a knife?" Pietro asked.

"Well, that was my plan... except I had no knife on me, so I reached through the kitchen window and took the one Blob had been using to cut ham... don't worry, I cleaned it first... I just needed to give her the cut and let it scar, that's all... I would've altered her memory to make sure she didn't remember me cutting her, or ever looking at her palm and realizing that there was no scar."

"You idiot, why didn't you just wipe the scar out of her memory?"

"Magneto told me to cut her."

"Magneto?" Pietro raised an eyebrow.

"Well, no... but Pyro said that's what he had told him."

"There's your mistake! Quick, while she's out cold, wipe her mind!" Mastermind rushed over to Wanda, forced her eyes open with his thumbs, and looked into them with glowing eyes. Within a few moments, he was done. "Okay. That it?"

"That's all... I'm sorry about all the confusion. I'll be on my way now." Mastermind took a fedora and placed it on his head, then grabbed a suitcase and walked out.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing? Give that back!" Pietro yelled. Mastermind slowly handed the suitcase back to him. "And the hat!" Mastermind frowned and handed the fedora back, then walked out. Moments later, Wanda woke up.

"What happened?"

"A caught the murderer," Pietro said. "It was Bobby Drake trying to scare us. We oughta go whoop him."

"Yes, I think we should..."

--------------------

Iceman had wandered away from one of Logan's training sessions, into the woods in the Institute. Moments later, he came out covered in cuts and bruises. He staggered towards Wolverine, then dropped to the ground.

"What's the matter, kid? Too rough for ya?"

"...ugh..." Iceman fell out of consciousness.

"Attention, students," Professor Xavier said to the gathered X-Men. "I have some... disturbing news. Who here has not slept with Tabitha?"

"..."

"It's a fair question, students." Nightcrawler raised his hand. So did Cannonball. The others looked around nervously. Cyclops and Jean eyed each other suspiciously, Magma's face turned a deep red, and Sunspot stared at Jamie, who shrugged at him. "We ran tests on Tabitha's blood this morning. Kurt, Sam, you may go. The rest of you... congratulations, you have syphilis. Good day!"

**The End**

**Wow. That's some major Omnitha, right there. Also, Mastermind rules you.**


	36. Halloween Comes a Day Late and a Dollar ...

**The disclaimer found a needle inside a fun-size Mounds bar. Oops. Anyway, it's about time I threw the Brotherhood into a Halloween situation, so here goes. Also, you get a brief cameo from Reverend Foster, the Southern Baptist fanatic who appeared in "Heathens!", and being a spooky-fic, Agatha Harkness makes an appearance. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

It was a dark, cloudy day, and a gathering of people dressed in black gathered at a a cemetary, over an open grave. A smallish coffin sat next to the grave, ready to be lowered in. Reverend Foster stood near the grave, holding the Bible and speaking to those gathered. Among the gathering were four people closest to the deceased: Lance Alvers, dressed in a black suit and tie, stood with Fred Dukes, wearing a black suit that was a size too small for him. Wanda Maximoff was there as well, wearing a black dress, and next to her was her brother Pietro, wearing basically the same outfit he wore every other day, except he had a black tie which he had been forced to wear.

"This tie does NOT go with this outfit," he complained.

Strangely enough, the students of the Xavier Institute were there, though only Kurt Wagner, Jean Grey and Rogue wore black. Being the good, honest, sickening person she was, was only wearing black because it would be improper if she didn't. As for Kurt, the man in the casket was his sworn enemy, but he felt the need to honor his worthy rival, though he would never admit to having lost in battle to him. Rogue... she always wore black anyway. For reasons unknown, Mastermind also stood with them, holding a handkerchief.

"Did you ever even meet him?" Professor Xavier asked.

"No... but he was like a son to me..." Mastermind blew his nose.

"...Would you heathens like to say anything?" Reverend Foster asked in his thick Southern accent.

"He was weird, but he was an alright guy," Lance said. Fred and Wanda nodded behind him. "Toad was never ashamed of who he was, and took pride in his uniqueness. He could be obnoxious, but is antics brought a lighter mood into our house, when days could be dark and-"

"...he didn't always smell like an ox, may he rest in peace, blah blah blah. Put him in." Pietro had grown impatient with the entire ceremony. As the coffin was lowered, Fred burst into tears and began to cry on Wanda's shoulder, and she put her arm around him (or at least halfway, Fred's a big guy) to comfort him.

"...And he will BURN in Hell as all sinners do!" Reverend Foster announced, his eyes wide with fanaticism and raising his hands and shaking them. "Let his friends learn from his mistakes! They must repent and atone for their sins if they want to avoid the same fate!" Foster paused. "Oh wait, you're mutant demons! You will burn either way! HEED MY WORDS! THE WRATH OF GOD WILL BE SWIFT AND TERRIBLE! END YOUR LIVES BEFORE HE SMITES YOU!" Professor Xavier used his telepathic abilities to calm Foster down. "Ah... er... how now... brown... cow?"

The headstone read:

Todd "Toad" Tolensky

19??-20??

Friend and "Brother"

We Told Him Not To Eat That

"Who's this Tolensky jerk?" Pietro paused as the others gave him contemptful stares. "Crap, I forgot Toad had a name."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Halloween Comes a Day Late and a Dollar Short"**

**King of the Worthless**

Lance, Fred and Wanda walked through Bayville High after-hours with a flashlight. The only person they had encountered was Jim the Janitor, and he welcomed any intruders who would possibly destroy school property.

"Which one was his, 714 or 715?" Fred asked as he held the flashlight up to some lockers. Lance shrugged and Fred pulled both of them open.

"Oh, thank god!" said the little nerd who had once smiled at Lance and later befriended Evan, tied up and stuffed into locker 714. For the sake of the narrative, let's call him Doug. Doug was filthy and covered with cobwebs. "Duncan and his friends shoved me in here two weeks ago and nobody could hear me! It's funny, you guys would've shoved me in here too, and here you are rescuing me!"

"Funny? Do I look funny to you?!" Fred yelled.

"Come on, Fred, I already did that." Lance pulled Doug out of the locker and onto the floor, then inspected locker 715. It was quite possibly the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. "Argh... I'm not touching that. What kind of an idiot slimes his own locker like this?"

"Forget it, we need to get this," Wanda said. She hexed the slime into oozing off the walls and onto the floor, inadvertently covering poor Doug in Toad's weeks-old slime. A few books remained, a few old (and moldy) lunch bags, and then there was the item they had come for... a collection of wallets kept inside a stolen bookbag.

"Hey, sweet!" Fred said. "Look at all this stuff, bills, credit cards... a Blockbuster card! ATM cards!"

"We've hit the jackpot, and we owe it all to our dear old friend Toad!" Lance declared.

"Are you sure this is right?" Wanda asked. "He stole those from innocent people."

"...'Matthews, Duncan,'" Lance read off an ID card. "'Johnson, Meg,' 'Paur, Hank,' 'Gordon, Steve N. F.,'... hell, he even stole from this Stan Li jerk."

"Oh. They don't need any more money, then."

"...give them baaaaaaack..." a voice called from the darkness down the hall.

"Who said that?!"

"...GIVE THEM BAAAAAACK!"

"Er... what's going on here?"

"GIVE THEM BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

"Jim, stop that." Lance shone the flashlight on Jim the Janitor. With his fun ruined, Jim scowled and pushed his mop bucket elsewhere. "Okay. Let's get home and divvy up this loot."

"YAAAAAH!" Something jumped onto Lance's back and bit him in the neck. Lance grabbed it and threw it against the ground, and all three gasped when they saw it.

"...T-t-toad?!" Fred stuttered. "Buddy, you're alive!" Fred was quite mistaken. Todd's eyes had no pupils. In fact, one had no eyelid. Patches of his clothes were torn off and he was covered in flesh wounds. His skin was paler than usual and his teeth dark and almost black with filth, contrasted with Lance's bright blood dripping from his mouth.

"He's a zombie!" Wanda yelled. She raised her hands to hex him, but he jumped out of the way and knocked Lance to the ground with his powerful zombie-toad legs.

"Toad, come on, it's me, Lance! You left us all this stuff, it was in your will!"

"...not want money..." Todd replied in a dead, empty voice.

"Then what do you want?"

"...bbbbraaaaaainnssss... Braaaaaaaainssss... BRRRAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNSSSSSSS, yo!" Fred pulled Zombie-Toad off Lance and threw him into his old locker and slammed the door. Zombie-Toad still mumbled inside.

"Guys, some help please?" Doug asked them as they ran. Lance rolled his eyes. Fred picked him up, shoved him back into the other locker, and shut the door. "Uh... thank you... I'm sure I'll get used to the smell of this slime... ugh... fumes pushing air out... aagghhh..."

--------------------

"...You expect me to swallow that tripe?" Pietro protested. He sat at the kitchen table with Fred and Lance while Wanda leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. Lance had a bandage around his neck.

"Yeah, it's all we have for dinner," Fred replied.

"Fine, but I won't like it. Now, what was this you said about a zombie Toad biting you?"

"I don't know what it was, but it looked a lot like a rotting Toad. Little fucker bit me, too."

"And you expect me to swallow that tripe?"

"Pietro, it's all we-"

"Quiet, Fred! Look, dead things don't move!" Pietro splattered a bug on the table in the blink of an eye. "See? It's dead! It doesn't move! It doesn't jump around, it doesn't talk, it DOESN'T BITE LANCE, it's DEAD!"

"We know what we saw, Pietro," Wanda told him. "Toad's come back, and he's after us... maybe we should have been nicer to him."

"Zombie or not, Toad was a weakling. Why are you all so afraid of him?"

"It might be the fact that he's the LIVING DEAD," Lance yelled. "I mean, he bit me! What's going to happen to me, am I going to turn into a zombie too? All monsters turn people into monsters when they bite them! Vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, Frankenstein..."

"Hrmph. You ladies can sleep together tonight and hope the big bad Toad corpse doesn't come to get you! I'm going upstairs to get some beauty sleep." Pietro left his plate of tripe untouched, turned his head away from them and lifted his chin with a "hmph!" and marched up the stairs.

"Toad took more out of me than some flesh," Lance muttered. "I'm going to bed, too." Once Lance had left the kitchen, Wanda and Fred exchanged nervous glances. A flash of lightning filtered through the window and illuminated the kitchen in eerie light for a brief moment.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Wanda said.

--------------------

Wanda woke up to the distinctive sound of a wolf howl, very close to the house. Wearing a red nightgown, she quickly got out of bed and looked out the window, but saw nothing outside that was out of place. She shrugged and started to move back towards her bed when the wolf howled again. She looked outside once more. Wanda was startled by a sudden and loud knocking on her door.

"Wanda... you up?" Fred nervously asked.

"Yeah... what's going on?" she asked as she answered the door. Fred's face was paler than the sheets he carried with him. Something had spooked the hell out of the poor guy, who was wearing a blue robe that didn't quite fit him. "Are you alright?"

"Lance... h-he's..." Fred didn't finish his sentence. He was shaking and couldn't get the words out.

"He's what? Come on, Fred, snap out of it."

"...I'm coming for you, Freddy!" Lance said from the dark hallway, his voice gruffer and raspier than normal. Fred panicked when he saw two glowing yellow eyes and ran to Pietro's room.

"Pietro, wake up, we gotta get out of here!"

"Oh my God!" Wanda screamed. She had a flashlight and finally got a good look at Lance... or, what used to be Lance. "He's... he's..."

"What the hell do you want, Blob?!" Pietro yelled. Dressed in light green pajamas, he was quite grouchy when rudely awakened. "I was having that great dream again, the one where Evan... what the hell is going on here?!" Lance regarded them, standing to his full height. His clothes were torn to shreds and he was covered in thick brown fur, the same color as his hair. His feet were dog-like hind legs, a tail wagged behind him, and his arms had grown in bulk, ending in a pair of sinister looking claws.

"He's a werewolf!" Pietro took Wanda and ran down the stairs, leaving a poor scared Fred to fend for himself. Pietro quickly ran back for him, but found himself unable to lift him, shrugged, waved goodbye to him, and ran downstairs. Seeing that he couldn't outrun Wolf Lance, he turned around to face him. After all, nothing could hurt the Blob.

"He'll be alright," Pietro said to his sister as he rushed out of the house with her. "...But tell me, what's going on?"

"I don't know... Toad bit him... but Toad was a zombie... how did he become a werewolf?"

"I don't know, but it's not safe in there anymore. We need a place to crash until this all dies down... er, stops. I meant to say stops."

"C'mon, maybe Xavier will let us us stay at his place..."

--------------------

"Anyone home?" Pietro asked. The front gate of the Xavier Institute was wide open and all the defense systems de-activated. The front door was closed, but not locked. Wanda cautiously walked in and turned on the lights in the foyer.

"Whoa, someone trashed the place."

"Wanda... Pietro..." Bobby Drake crawled out from behind the stairs, covered in blood. He was missing his right leg and left a red trail where he dragged himself. "Get out... he'll get you..." And then a furry snout with long, sharp teeth grabbed Bobby's legs and pulled him behind the stairs again as he screamed and blood flew out onto the walls and floor.

"Yeah, let's get out of here," Pietro said. He rushed for the door, but it was blocked by Zombie Hank McCoy, covered in bite marks and missing his pupils. Pietro tried running up the stairs, but Zombie Logan extended his bloody claws and grinned. The rest of the Zombie X-Men appeared, blocking every possible exit. Several Zombie Jamies formed a circle around Pietro and Wanda as Zombie Xavier rolled towards them. Werewolf Lance clutched Bobby's arm, and soon Zombie Bobby hopped towards them.

"Join us..." Werewolf Lance growled. Zombie Kitty hung from his arm, literally. "You will be muuuch happpierrrr..." Pietro and Wanda zipped out the door. Zombie Hank looked up from his snack (Zombie Scott, a few feet away).

"...aaaargh..."

"You have faaaaaaiiiled..." Fred said to Zombie Hank as the others cleared the way for him. Fred was neither zombie nor werewolf. His clothes remained intact, and though he had heavy bags around his eyes and his pupils were missing, he otherwised looked completely normal... if you ignored the fact that he was a transparent glowing form. "...Eat his braaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiins!" Fred commanded in a ghostly voice.

"...i haaaaave noooo brraaaaaaiiiinsss..."

"...liiieeeeeeesssss you've beeeeeen hoooolding ooooouuuutttt on uuuuuuuussss..." Zombie Ororo said. The others closed in on poor brainy Zombie Hank. He sighed and accepted his brainless future. While the Zombie X-Men feasted, Ghost Fred flew through the mansion wall after Wanda and Pietro.

"Waaaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaa... Piiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetrooooooooooo..."

"Gah! He's a ghost! Pietro, we need to get out of here!"

"Yooooooooouuuuuu caaaaaaannoooooooooot leeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaave..."

"By the way," Pietro said to Ghost Fred, "I changed my name."

"Oooooooooooh... I didn't knoooooooooooooooooooooow thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat..."

"Yeah, I'm Grrrzzztttt..."

"Yoooooooouuuuu caaaaaaaaannoooooot ruuuuuuuuuuuun Grrrzzztttt... eeeeeer..."

"HA! You can only draw out vowels! You're still an idiot, Blob!"

"Will you stop taunting the monsters?!" Wanda yelled. "Now get us out of- GAAAAAH!" Pietro watched, shocked, as Ghost Fred became a mist that entered through Wanda's mouth.

"Oh man... Wanda is eating FRED! How does this crap happen?!" Wanda's skin glowed white and her eyes became red, and then Ghost Fred left her body. "Uh... you okay?"

"Come here, Pietro..." Wanda began to hover several feet off the ground and grinned at her... but this was not a normal grin. Her teeth had become longer and sharper. The glow of her skin had faded, but it had become pale, though there were shadows around her red eyes. "I just want to... SUCK YOUR BLOOD!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Pietro screamed and ran as fast as he could, knocking out windows and destroying cars as he ran down the street. He ran to the only place he knew he would be safe...

--------------------

Pietro trudged through the filthy Bayville sewers, covering his nose with his forearm and kicking away any rats that got too close. "Anyone home?" he called.

From the shadows, Caliban appeared. He was tall, thin, pale, and filthy. Pietro took a step back.

"...What are you doing heeeere?"

"I... oh no..."

"...Are you... sssssearching for something?"

"THEY GOT YOU, TOO!" Pietro screamed and ran. Caliban scratched his head and sighed.

"...They think I'm undead... they alwayssssss think that..."

--------------------

Pietro paced back and forth inside the run-down Bayville Cinerama downtown. The theater had been closed for years and nobody had gone in since then. The silence and darkness had bothered him, so he had managed to get the projector working and put in a very dusty copy of Gremlins.

"Okay, okay, what to do, what to do... it's two AM, Toad's a zombie, Lance is a werewolf, Fred's a ghost and Wanda's a vampire... Xavier and his goody-goods are zombies too, so they can't help... I have no idea where Magneto is... who am I going to turn to for help?"

"Me, possibly," said Agatha Harkness, who sat in the back row with a bag of popcorn.

"DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT?!"

"Calm down, boy, I mean you no harm."

"AFTER ALL I JUST SAID, YOU APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR AND SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE CALM?!"

"I sensed trouble tonight. Your friend, he passed away recently?"

"Yeah, then he came back as a zombie. He bit Lance, Lance became a werewolf, Lance killed Fred, Fred became a ghost, Fred possessed Wanda, Wanda became a vampire, and now they're all after me!"

"A zombie biting your friend, and he became a werewolf, and then the werewolf killed your other friend and he became a ghost, and then-"

"I JUST SAID ALL THAT!"

"... yes, this is indeed trouble. Your deceased friend somehow gained the ability to transform his victims into monsters, and his victims have this ability as well... indeed, this is trouble."

"I KNOW THIS IS TROUBLE, HOW DO I STOP THEM?!"

"I told you to calm down, boy." Agatha took a book from her cloak and flipped through it. "Ah, let's see here... here we go, cross-monster transformations... it appears you must find the original one and burn him with sacred fire."

"So I've got to find Toad and burn him with sacr... WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND SACRED FIRE?!"

"I have some with me," Agatha said, holding a jar with a blue flame inside. "You may have it."

"Aw, thanks, lady! I-"

"...For fifty-six dollars."

"SON OF A BITCH! I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY ON ME!"

"Then I'm afraid you will continue to be stalked by your former friends until you can pay me."

"Look, my dad's got a lot of money, he'll pay you back, I swear!"

"I don't trust your father... oh, excuse me, I love this part." Agatha turned her attention to the screen and sang along with the characters on-screen. "'Hi-ho, hi-ho...'" Pietro stared at her. "Don't you get it, boy, it's funny! I'm sitting in an old movie theater watching an old movie about little creatures sitting in an old movie theater watching an old... oh, forget it, you kids don't know what's funny anymore."

"Yeah... listen, can you bill me or something?"

"No, but I can offer you an alternative payment plan."

"Uh... alternative?"

"Yes... come closer, boy..."

"N-no!"

"I'm not going to kiss you, you fool! Your mind is twisted and perverted! No, I desire another..." Agatha produced a photograph of Logan. "This is the one I seek... if you can arrange for us to meet, I will give you the sacred fire."

"Er... deal! Deal!"

"Here you are." Pietro took the bottled fire and dashed out of the theater. "Remember our bargain, young man, I know where you live!"

--------------------

"Gotta find Toad, gotta find Toad..." Pietro ran through the boarding house and searched every room. Finding it empty, he ran back outside. "Not home, not at school, not at Gut Bomb, not at the comic book store, not at the museum, not at city hall, not at the observatory, not at Duncan's house, not at the adult video store, not at Pancho Willie's, not at the old mill, not at the mall, not at the park, not at Home Depot... where the hell could that boy be?"

"Did you search... THE GRAVEYARD?!" Vampire Wanda floated down from the sky, now wearing her battle outfit. The grass on the lawn dried and fell limp as she walked across it. Her sharp teeth were bared and her red eyes grew wide with anticipation. "Come here, dear brother... don't you want to join us?"

"Yes... it's not so bad," Werewolf Lance growled behind Pietro, chewing on Zombie Amara's arm.

"Yooooouuuuu geeeet uuuuuuuuuused toooooo iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Ghost Fred screeched.

"...You overdid it," Werewolf Lance barked.

"Whaaaaaat?"

"Yeah, you just ruined the mood," Vampire Wanda said. "Way to be spooky, mood-ruiner."

"Er... yeah... hey guys, you haven't seen Toad anywhere, have you?" Pietro nervously asked. "I mean, I think I might consider this if I got everyone's opinion, you know?"

"He's got a point," Werewolf Lance growled. "Where IS Toad?"

"I thought you knew," Vampire Wanda replied. "Fred, you know where Toad is?"

"Nooooooooooo..."

"Cut that out already!"

"IIIIII WOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUULD IF IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUULD!"

"Hmm. Okay, did you guys check the school-"

"Forget it, I searched everywhere," Pietro said. "I can't find him." Without warning, a horde of zombies appeared around the house, including most of the X-Men and just about everyone from Bayville High. Pietro saw that there was no gap between the crowd for him to run through, not a single little gap. He had to face it... he was screwed.

Suddenly, one of the zombies stood up. It was Zombie Duncan, wearing his varsity jacket, except it was so drenched with blood that it was entirely red. He started snapping his fingers and moving to an unknown beat, and the other zombies tried their best to keep up, but some had rotted too much and fell apart trying to dance with Zombie Duncan.

"'CAUSE THIS IS THRIL-" Zombie Duncan then dropped before he could begin. Zombie Toad sat on the struggling corpse, biting into Zombie Duncan's head and ripping apart his brains in a spray of blood and flesh.

"...that was... my... number..." Once Zombie Duncan was out of commission, Zombie Toad approached Pietro. Part of his jaw was unhinged and the flesh covering the gap was gone. His gray tongue drooped out of his mouth like a snake, twitching as if it wanted to return to life. "...pietro..."

"Yeah?"

"...Pieeeeetro..."

"Toad, what?"

"PIEEEEETROOOOOO!" Zombie Toad laughed maniacally as the zombie mob closed in on Pietro. Pietro realized that if he didn't act quickly, he wouldn't get a second chance at stopping them, or doing much of anything except aimlessly marching around calling for brains. He opened the bottle of sacred fire and threw it at Zombie Toad. Immediately, he was engulfed in the blue flame and began to dance around in a panic, but the zombies kept approaching. Zombie Toad's burning flesh began to drip off and he was slowly becoming a walking skeleton, but soon his bones were consumed. Finally, he stopped moving and dropped to the ground as a pile of ashes, and the blue flame vanished.

...But the zombies were still coming.

"What?! But I killed the original monster, this should all be over!"

"...Or so you think!" Zombie Xavier yelled from the top of the boarding house. "...It appears that the original monster was not your young friend... it was you!"

"IT WAS ME ALL AL- wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense! I'm not a monster, I didn't kill Toad, that can't be right!"

"...What do you think this is, an M. Night Shyamalan film?! Does everything have to be spelled out for you? Let me guess, even THEN you won't grasp the obvious ending, despite being practically given the information and being pointed in the right direction! But you'll still be amazed by the ending because you were too stupid to see it coming!"

"Uh...?"

"...Then everyone thinks he's so great because of this movie, and he goes on to make lesser thrillers that fail to entertain us, but he is still considered a great director!"

"Come on lady, stop that!"

"I'm sorry. I really hated that movie." Agatha cleared her throat. "In any case, you are the original. It seems there is nothing you can do, except suicide."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No... did you notice that they have already pulled your legs off?"

"HUH?!"

--------------------

Emperor Palpatine woke up in a cold sweat. Quickly, the he jumped out of his luxurious bed and ran down the palace corridor to tell everyone about his dream.

"Wake up you fools!" Palpatine croaked. "I had a terrible dream!"

"What happened?" Darth Vader asked. Lord Vader never seemed to sleep; he was always there when Palpatine needed him. "Was it the one about the swamp skeeto again?"

"No, no! I was a teenaged boy, and I could move very fast, and I lived in a house with other teenagers who had similar talents, and then one of them died and then rose again, and hunted us down! It was terrible!"

"There there," Lord Vader said with his deep, mechanical voice. "I'll get you a glass of water and everything will be just fine."

"Yes... take the glass. Use it. Pour water for me with all of your hatred, and my journey towards refreshment shall be complete!" Palpatine rubbed his hands together and grinned. "Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design!"

"Even your nightmare?"

"Yes... well, it had to, how could something happen without my approval? Perhaps I have become so powerful in the Force that I have begun to experience strange nightmares... they frighten me... fear is the path to the Dark Side! Yes, these nightmares make me stronger! Stronger... WITH THE DARK SIDE!"

"I see bladder control was not with you."

"If you tell anybody, I will kill you, Lord Vader." Palpatine took a sip of his water, but for some reason, his Sith Lightning activated itself and Palpatine was electrocuted. Glancing around nervously, Vader picked up Palpatine's corpse, tossed it into a reactor shaft, and hoped nobody would notice his absence.

**The End**

**Weren't expecting that ending, were you?**


	37. I Can't Drive 30

**The disclaimer is in the witness protection program, under the name "Er Claim Dis." Ugh. I leave for a few months and look what happens to this site. Damn. Well, here's another uninspired piece of crap from me. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

In a flash of blue-green... blue-greenness, Quicksilver arrived at the doorstep of the Brotherhood of Bayville Boarding House. He sat on the front steps for a few minutes, admiring the clouds.

"Fucking showoff," Lance Alvers said from his jeep as he pulled into the driveway. He jumped out and walked up to the front steps where Quicksilver waved to him. "What the hell? Why are you wearing your uniform?"

"Hmph, I had time to change into it while you were busy driving that snail of a jeep. I changed into it at Main, changed back to my street clothes at 5th, changed back to Quicksilver at the library, had time to read up on Plato and decide that he was egotistical and full of baloney, and then came back here. What did you do with your time?"

"This!" Lance held out a small, pink piece of paper. Quicksilver took it and looked over it quizzically, then a smile grew on his face when he realized what it was.

"This is gold, Alvers. Really, it is! If you have any concept of irony, you'd be smil-" Quicksilver dodged Lance's fist. "-ling, too. As always, I'm the only one with any gift for humor, so I think I'll have to draw a map for the others when I explain it to them."

"Hang on a second there," Lance said. He took the pink paper back. "No need to make a big deal out of this. I'll get this taken care of." Lance looked back and noticed that the paper was missing. He looked back at Quicksilver, who showed him his empty hands and shook his head.

"We-he-hell, what's this little surprise?" Todd Tolensky plucked the paper off of his sticky tongue. He clung to the side of the wall, having crawled out of the window after hearing the conversation outside. "Lance, we told you to take it easy, yo. Looks like you're due in court in three weeks."

"Due in court?" Fred yelled, sticking his head out another window. "For what?" Todd held up the ticket for Fred to see. "Hahahaha!"

"What is going on out here?!" Wanda yelled from her window. "What are you goons up to?"

"Lance got a speeding ticket!" Quicksilver yelled.

"Is that all?!"

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"I Can't Drive Thirty"**

**King of the Worthless**

"Okay, this doesn't look so bad," Professor Xavier said to himself, holding Lance's speeding ticket in his hands. Lance sat across from his desk in Xavier's office. "This would be pocket change for me."

"Whoa, whoa, I'm not asking you to pay this off for me, old man," Lance replied indignantly. "I just needed some legal advice, that's all."

"There shouldn't be too much trouble. You're due for an appearance in court in three weeks, all you have to do is pay the required amount, and that's all... of course, you're a male driver over eighteen but under twenty-five, so your insurance rates will see a significant increase."

"That's what I was afraid of. Is there any way out of that?"

"Well, I do have some connections with the Bayville courts, I could see about getting this stricken from your record..."

"...But...?"

"But?" Xavier smiled. "No, Lance, there's no catch. I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart."

"No, that's a lie! You're up to something!"

"Nothing at all, Lance, I'm just watching out for the younger generation of mutants..."

"You stay away from me! You hear me?! You're a creepy old man and I want nothing to do with you!" Lance took his speeding ticket and ran out of the office, nearly running into Scott Summers on his way out.

"What was that all about?" Scott asked Xavier.

"Lance has a speeding ticket. I offered to have it cleared for him, but he refused."

"What was the catch?"

"No, Scott, there was no catch." The room was silent for a moment. Xavier watched Lance run through the grounds, heading for the gate. "Well, I was going to surprise him and tell him that I needed some of his blood so I could breed a race of geological monsters, with which I could probably replace the X-Men... they would need only a few hours of daylight due to photosynthetic genes, so I would save a fortune on food, and they could sleep in the caves, and they would be blindly loyal to me..." Scott started to back away. "Then I could take my X-Men and used them for mutant experimentation, and at last, these days of playing the kindly old babysitter will be behind me... at long last, my dream will be realized, humans and mutants will live side-by-side and under my heels, with my race of monsters to ensure that they get along, and pay tribute to me, raising mighty totems in my honor, naming vast war vessels after me! Go forth, mighty geological monsters, spread fear in my name, and trample all who dare oppose my rule!"

"...er..."

"...As a joke, of course. Why would I do something that crazy?"

"Oh... oh, hahaha! You had me going, Professor. Anyway, I'm going to go check on the younger students." Scott closed the door behind him. Xavier wheeled closer to the window as the gates closed behind Lance.

"...Why WOULD I do something that crazy...?"

--------------------

"Okay, it all sounds simple enough," Lance said outside the Smith Driving School at Bayville Mall. Fred and Wanda sat on a bench nearby while Pietro leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Todd jumped down from the balcony with a soda in hand. "Kitty says I've got to take this defensive driving course before my court date so I can get this ticket cleared. There's a problem, though..."

"It's six hour-" Pietro started.

"It's six hours!" Lance yelled.

"We know, Lance, we were there when Kitty explained it to you!"

"I can't sit there listening to that bullshit for six hours! If I'm going to go through that, you're all going with me! Now let's go sign up."

"Gotta run, two-for-one sale at Macy's!" Pietro yelled as he sped off. Lance growled, then turned back to the others.

"Okay, c'mon, Freddy. You're good at sitting."

"Yeah, I am," Fred said, putting his hands behind his head. "So good that once I sit down, nobody can make me stand up. Hey, looks like I'm sitting right now!"

"Fine, be a jerk. Wanda, Toad, I drive you guys places all the time. How about giving back a little?"

"Drive me places?" Wanda asked angrily. "The only time you take me anywhere is when you drag all of us to whatever stupid concert you want to go to, and it's always me, Fred or Pietro who has to do something to get us all in!"

"Okay, fair enough. Toad doesn't have an excuse, though. I drove him to the hospital a few months ago, remember? When your legs were broken twice over?"

"Yeah, th' X-geeks broke 'em the first time and you did th' encore," Todd snapped, rubbing his legs. "It's okay, babies, mean ol Alvers ain't gonna hurt you ever again!"

"Well, they have regular driver's ed classes. Fred's good, but Wanda and Todd, you guys still don't have them. C'mon, kill two birds with one stone."

"Since you never let me drive your jeep and that's the only car I have access to, what's the point?" Wanda asked.

"I'll take th' bullet for you, babycakes," Todd said nobly. "I'll go with Lance and then I can be your chauffeur!"

"Right, my hero," Wanda replied, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, that's settled, let's go." Lance grabbed Todd's face and forced his mouth open, then pulled his tongue out and dragged him into the driving school.

"HEY! NHO! WHAD AW YOU DOIHG?!?!"

"Why are you being a little jackass?! You just said you wanted to come!"

"AH CHANJED NAH NINTH!" Lance pressed Todd's tongue against the counter at the driving school and held it there with his forearm. The man behind the counter, balding and with tiny eyes, had no reaction. His head seemed to come to a point, making him quite pear-shaped

"Hi, I'm here to sign up for the defensive driving course and my MUTE friend here wants basic training."

"Sign these forms please. Defensive driving will be $25. Basic driver's education will be $70." Pear Man pushed a clipboard with two application sheets. As Todd reluctantly filled his out, Lance reached into his wallet.

"I've got a twenty here. Toad, can I bum five bucks off of you?"

"Gho."

"Then I'm stapling your tongue to the counter!"

"Please do not waste our staples," Pear Man droned. Todd pulled out a pile of cash from his pockets- considering how untidy the pile was, it was all stolen, no doubt- and dumped it on the counter. "This should be enough to pay for your education. Driver's education requires ten hours of class time and ten hours of hands-on training. We have Tuesday and Thursday classes-"

"Fine, can we get this taken care of quickly?" Lance asked.

"Defensive driving begins in half an hour... since our driver's education class is smaller than usual, we've paired them up into one classroom." Lance nodded and followed Pear Man to a small room...

"HI GUYS!" Bobby Drake waved to them. Lance and Todd exchanged tired looks and groaned.

--------------------

"Now I can see why you're here, but why th' hell did you have to shove me into this?" Todd complained. He and Lance sat in the back corner of the room, and unfortunately for them, Bobby had relocated to be with them.

"So Lance, I was talking to Jubilee last night..."

"Drake, SHUT UP."

"No, no, you gotta hear this. She told Jamie that Amara and Rahne were planning a surprise party for Sam-"

"Yo, you know any of those names?" Todd asked.

"Unfortunately, yes, and just because I know them-" Lance turned to Bobby- "DOESN'T MEAN I GIVE A SHIT."

"I give a shit," Pear Man droned from the front of the classroom. "I've lost the lesson plan for defensive driving, so we will continue driver's education as planned. Unfortunately, we scheduled this class for defensive driving, so this class will have to run that length... six hours."

"OH HELL NO!" Todd yelled. He sprang back, but Lance grabbed his shirt before he could jump away. "You ain't keepin' me here for SIX HOURS with ice cube!"

"Be safe drivers," Pear Man stated. "Be safe drivers. Be safe drivers. Be safe drivers. Be safe drivers..."

"He's going to do that the whole time," Bobby explained to them. "I've taken this class twice already!"

--------------------

Lance woke up abruptly. Todd and Bobby were flinging pencils at each other and Pear Man continued his three-word speech. "What time is it?" he asked.

"We've been here for forty minutes," Todd explained. He caught a pencil and then hurled it at Bobby's forehead. "He ain't said anything new."

"I'm gonna take another nap then."

--------------------

Lance pranced around in the land of unicorns. He was the prettiest princess in the land! His beautiful pink gown shimmered in the bright sunlight and he waved his princess wand towards the violet butterflies.

"'Tis a fine day for prancing!" Princess Lance said. Just then- a lion appeared! "Oh my! A noble lion! Have you come to play, or do you wish harm upon me?"

"Not at all, fair princess," The lion said. "I've brought your best friend in the whole wide world for you!" The lion hacked and coughed and spit up a disgusting, smelly yellow chunky liquid, and swimming in it was Captain Toad. He was smaller than the other toads, but you could tell he was the best because he had a captain's hat on.

"That was no fun!" Captain Toad said! "I feel terrible. Say, fair princess, what brings you here?"

"I'm awaiting my sweet prince!"

"Oh! Well, I'm waiting for the number three bus. Would you mind if I awaited with you?"

"Not at all!" And so as Princess Lance pranced with the butterflies, Captain Toad hopped around happily. Just then- a silver wind appeared! In a flash of light, Pietro the Gardener appeared, with his shovel! He had overalls and a wide-brimmed hat.

"I am finished gardening for today!" Pietro the Gardener announced. "I would like to go home, but I must wait for my good friend Thaddeus, who promised to meet me here at a quarter 'til and give me the mushrooms he owes me. Would you mind if I awaited with you?"

"Not at all!" Princess Lance and Captain Toad said, and Pietro the Gardener danced with his shovel as Princess Lance pranced with the butterflies and Captain Toad hopped around happily. Just then- a set of mechanical spider limbs extended from the ground! Mecha Wanda climbed out of the ground. She was little more than a head attached to a mechanical spider, but she did not seem to mind.

"Underground travel can be so tiring on one's back!" Mecha Wanda said. "I should like to rest for a bit, though I can barely move. Good fellows, would you mind if I rested here for a short while?"

"Not at all!" Princess Lance, Captain Toad and Pietro the Gardener said, and Mecha Wanda bopped in place as Princess Lance pranced with the butterflies, Captain Toad hopped around happily, and Pietro the Gardener danced with his shovel. Just then- two rotund children ran up to the group, one with a yellow mohawk and the other with a red one, each coming from opposite directions and stopping next to each other, facing each other. It was the Fred Twins!

"I would go further, but my twin is in the way!" The Fred Twins said in unison. "I only go forward, never backwards or to the side, so I may not go until my brother has moved out of the way, but he is so stubborn, would you mind at all if I waited here for him to move?"

"Not at all!" Princess Lance, Captain Toad, Pietro the Gardener and Mecha Wanda said, and the Fred Twins jumped in place as Princess Lance pranced with the butterflies, Captain Toad hopped around happily, Pietro the Gardener danced with his shovel and Mecha Wanda bopped in place

Suddenly- a trumpet!

"Oh! It is my prince!" Princess Lance pointed towards a stagecoach making its way to the group. Bobby sat at the top, holding the reigns. "Tell me, coachman, has my prince arrived?"

"He sure has, missy!" The door opened and out stepped Sheriff Kitty, big and built with a manly mustache and tough boots, carrying a lasso and two six shooters at each hip.

"Where's mah princess?" Sheriff Kitty asked in a manly voice.

"It's my, sweet prince!" Princess Lance called to him.

"Good, ah've found you at last!" And the two lovers embraced! Such joy was in their hearts! Sheriff Kitty slapped Princess Lance! "Now git in the wagon, we're goin' home."

"But sweet prince, this is my home, and these are my friends!"

"NOT ANYMORE!" Sheriff Kitty slapped Princess Lance again! "Git in the wagon, we're goin' home and you're gonna cook me up a good meal cuz I'm FAMISHED, woman, YOU HEAR ME?!"

"What? You're not my sweet prince!"

"I'm as good as a low-life crazy like you's ever gonna git! Woman you get in that wagon or I'm gonna beat you black and blue and you're STILL gonna make me mah flapjacks in the morning!"

--------------------

Lance woke up suddenly. Todd and Bobby were still flinging pencils at each other. Pear Man's speech was still the same.

"Argh, that dream again... Toad, what time is it?"

"Five minutes after the last time you asked!"

"DAMMIT!" Lance slammed his head against the desk. "That's it. I'm desperate. Drake, tell me about Jubilee."

"Sweet! Well, you see, I had told Roberto that the door was locked, and Mr. McCoy wasn't around, so I-" Bobby looked up and Pear Man was standing at his desk. He grabbed the edges and lifted the desk with Bobby in it high into the air.

"THERE IS TO BE-" Pear Man brought the desk down, smashing bits of it off, then lifted it again, "-NO TALKING-" Pear Man slammed the desk against the floor again, breaking more of the desk, "-IN MY CLASSROOM-" Large shards of metal and wood flew as Pear Man hammered the desk once more, "-EVER!" Pear Man threw the desk against the wall with Bobby still in it and it bounced off, hitting four other students before finally stopping against the opposite wall. Lance and Todd looked at each other nervously. "Now then." Pear Man returned to the front of the classroom. "Be a safe driver. Be a safe driver..."

"Drake's dead, yo," Todd noted.

"Let's hope so..."

"..jubiLeE..." Bobby muttered. He was bloody and bruised.

"Nope. Okay, we need to find another way to pass the time."

"Let's count th' mounds of stucco on th' ceiling."

"That's a stupid idea!" Lance looked up to see that Pear Man was ready to make him his next bitch. "Oh God..."

"THERE IS TO BE-" Lance rolled out of the desk before Pear Man picked it up, but he didn't seem to notice as he continued bashing it against the floor. "NO TALKING IN MY CLASSROOM EVER!"

--------------------

Four hours later, only two desks were left intact, occupied by Lance and one other student. Toad sat on a pile of wrecked desks and the rest all lay unconscious on the floor.

"Be a safe driver," Pair Man explained. "You can do this buy obeying the speed limit. Observe and obey stop and yield signs, and always wear your safety belt. This concludes defensive driving. You will get your certificates in the mail. All driver's education students, I'll see you on Thursday."

"Finally! That nightmare is over! C'mon, Toad, we better get home." Lance and Todd walked out of the driving school and noticed that the mall was close to closing time.

"Hang on a second, I gotta do somethin' real quick." Todd hopped into one of the bathroom halls, where a dark-skinned man wearing a coat and sunglasses waited for him. "Hehehe... hey there, ol' buddy... listen, I need a favor."

"A favor, you say?" Forge took off his sunglasses. "I can make anything for you in six hours time."

"Yeah, get me a fake driver's license, I can't do it th' legit way."

"Done. Come by and pick it up tomorrow." As Todd hopped out, Forge noticed Lance's expression. "I have to fund my inventions somehow, you know."

--------------------

"BULLSHIT," Lance screamed. The Brotherhood house began to tremble and its inhabitants scrambled for cover. "THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!"

"What is it this time?!" Fred yelled from under the kitchen table.

"I just got off the phone with Kitty, and it turns out, I had to REQUEST the stupid class or the judge won't count it! I wasted six hours FOR NOTHING!"

"So what's the big deal? Just take it again!" Pietro said from the stairs. "It's not like you were going to use that time for anything else."

Lanced hated it when Pietro had a point.

--------------------

"Well, well, well," said Judge Gordon. Rather than meet in the courtroom, Lance went straight to Judge Gordon's office. Unfortunately for Lance, Judge Gordon had presided over every single Brotherhood trial... not counting the incident the previous year involving Pietro and a gas pump. "Mr. Alvers, nice to see you walking into my office under your own power. To what do I owe this honor?"

"Speeding ticket," Lance muttered.

"Speeding ticket! Alright! Alvers scores another one!"

"Yeah, yeah... listen, can I take a defensive drivi-"

"Alvers on the ball again! What happened, your white-haired buddy couldn't carry you fast enough? Oh! Score one for Gordon! How do you like them apples, Alvers?"

"Can you please stop that?"

"Alvers wants the judge to stop! Ain't gonna happen! Alvers just got OWNED!" There was a moment of silence. Judge Gordon continued, in a calmer voice, "So, you plead guilty to the charges?"

"...I could plead non-guilty?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"Uh... I plead non-guilty. It wasn't me. I'm not continuing until I have a lawyer present."

"Did someone call for an attorney?" Pietro asked as he zoomed in and sat on Judge Gordon's desk. "My client, Mr. Alvers, denies all charges that you have so callously brought against him."

"Tell him, Pietro!"

"Do you have any evidence?" Judge Gordon asked.

"Uh... uh... give me a moment to speak with my client." Pietro pulled Lance's chair to the other side of the room. "Well, what now? Do we have any evidence?"

"Why are you asking me? You're the lawyer here!"

"No, we're co-lawyers!"

"I'm not representing myself!"

"Okay, so we don't have any evidence, fine..." Pietro rubbed his chin. This was clearly a sign that he was smart!

"You know, you have until the next court date to gather your evidence," Judge Gordon told them from across the room; whether he had heard anything they said was a mystery to them. "Since I've got a pretty free schedule with the FABULOUS X-MEN helping to prevent so many crimes, I can squeeze you in this Friday."

"Right, thanks!" Lance waved insincerely.

"That gives us three days," Pietro noted. "In that time, we can make up some evidence and get your record as squeaky clean as my smooth, soft yet firm behind!"

"Pietro, you know I hate it when you use metaphors. Our cash reserves are running low, so I guess we have no choice. Alright."

--------------------

"Okay, so this is the spot where I got pulled over," Lance explained to Pietro and Fred. They stood at the corner of Main and Fifth sometime past midnight. Lance's jeep was parked where he had been stopped. "It was about ten seconds between the time the sirens turned on and the time I pulled over. I was doing sixty in a thirty zone, so going at sixty miles an hour means that in ten seconds I covered... uh..."

"Er..."

"Uh..."

"Less than a mile," Lance said. "Okay, point is, the sirens started when I drove past Burger King. How far is it from here to there?"

"Er..."

"Uh..."

"Less than a mile?" Fred deduced.

"Right, so that means that any evidence against me would be found between this street corner and Burger King." Todd landed in the jeep after a long jump, putting his feet on the dashboard and his hands behind his head. "Took you long enough. Are you done scouting?"

"Yep. Checked every street sign and traffic light around th' street, no cameras, no detection devices, nothin'."

"That's a start. Now, first thing we need to do is-"

"Get back in the jeep and drive back home!" Cyclops announced as he appeared with Jean Grey, Nightcrawler, Shadowcat and Rogue.

"Aw, geez... look Summers, we're just looking for a way out of a speeding ticket, WHICH I DIDN'T DESERVE," Lance lied. "C'mon, tell him, Kitty!"

"Well... sorry, Lance," Shadowcat replied. "Orders from the top, what can I do?"

"Look at us! We're not even dressed for battle!"

"That's funny, because we are!" Pietro dodged Cyclops's optic blast and let it hit Lance, who fell back against Fred. Pietro dashed towards the X-Men, but he was lifted off the ground by Jean's telekinesis. Todd jumped on her shoulders and pushed her to the ground, freeing Pietro, who ran behind Cyclops and pushed him to the ground, but Shadowcat tackled him and phased him through the sidewalk, trapping him halfway in.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" Fred grabbed a nearby car and hurled it at the X-Men, nearly hitting poor frozen Pietro. "WATCH IT YOU BRAINLESS BAG OF BLUBBER!"

"I gotcha now!" Todd yelled, jumping towards Nightcrawler, only to catch smoke. As he looked around, he saw an outstretched palm... "OH HELL NO!"

"Get back here swamp-breath!" Rogue yelled. Todd hopped away, but something hit him in the back and sent him back in the opposite direction- an optic blast. Todd flew threw a department store window, lying on the ground among littered glass and broken mannequins and torn clothing.

Jean deflected another car thrown by Fred then lifted herself and Rogue off the ground as it began to shake.

"HEY, WATCH IT!" Pietro yelled, still trapped under the sidewalk as cracks appeared in the concrete. Nightcrawler jumped onto Lance's shoulders and wrapped his tail around his chest, then jumped forward and hurled Lance with him, right against a news stand, shattering it.

Now there was just Fred. Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Rogue and Jean regrouped and he started to back away.

"Hey Freddy, what are you doing here?" Wanda asked as she walked out of a book store holding an Anne Rice novel.

"Uh... just chatting with some old friends," Fred said, looking at the X-Men with new confidence and crossing his arms.

"Oh. Hey," Wanda said insincerely. Turning back to Fred, she asked, "Are the others around? If you see them, tell them I'm not going to be home for dinner."

"Well I dunno, I'm not sure where the rest of the guys are..." Fred said suspiciously, raising an eyebrow and grinning at the X-Men slightly. "In fact, I'm getting kinda worried. Maybe we should look for them."

"Zis isn't looking good for us Scott," Nightcrawler panicked. "You remember vhat happened last time she was here, don't you?! DON'T YOU?!"

"Alright, alright... I'm sure the court won't believe whatever evidence they can come up with. X-Men, retreat!" Jean lifted Cyclops and herself into the air and Nightcrawler teleported with Shadowcat and Rogue. Wanda scratched her head.

"What was that all about?"

--------------------

"Well, there's good news," Lance said to the assembled Brotherhood members in the hall outside the courtroom. "I just have to take that stupid class again and the X-Men have to pay some property damage."

"I'm guessing by the look on your face that there's some bad news," Pietro asked.

"Yeah, there- hey, where was my attorney when I needed him?"

"Uh... sorry, I was caught up in paperwork. Red tape, litigation, you know how these things are."

"Yeah, really. Bad news is... I agreed that we'd all do community service to pay for the damage and to pay off the ticket... department store damage, two cars and fees for the excavation team that had to dig YOU out of the sidewalk... since we can't pay any fines because we're poor as dirt and minors can't do jail time, and as the adult, I can't leave you."

"Hey, I thought at least two of us were 18," Wanda said.

"Yeah, I dunno. Fred might be 18. Fred, are you?"

"Huh?" Fred looked up from his bag of chips. "Sure, why not?"

"NO! You're supposed to say 'no'!" Lance yelled.

"Uh, okay. I'm your kid. Give me some money, dad."

"Haha, yeah!" Todd added. "I need th' keys to the car, dad, I'm takin' Suzie to th' ice cream social! It'll be swell!"

"See, it was funny until you killed it," Pietro told him. "Stop. Just stop. What kind of community service are we talking here?"

"Uh..." Lance's eyes darted around. "Well..."

--------------------

"Now this is just cruel," Pietro complained. He wore an orange vest like Lance, Fred and Todd and dragged with him a garbage bag. Their mission was to pick up litter along the road next to the Bayville Mall. "C'mon, just let me whiz through here, I can get all this junk trapped in a whirlwind and fling it out of town in five seconds and we'll all have the rest of the afternoon off!"

"For the last time, Pietro, it doesn't work like that!" Lance yelled. "It's not how much work we do, it's how much time we take! It's basic contract labor, don't you know anything?!"

"Yeah, so maybe when we get this done they'll assign us to a nursing home or something, then at least we'll have air conditioning and some poor stooges to amuse us! And how come Wanda doesn't have to work?"

"Because I didn't do anything, genius," Wanda said, sitting in the driver's seat of Lance's jeep. "I'll be back to pick you guys up later. Lance, you don't mind if I drive around for a while, do you?"

"What the-?! Yeah, I do mind! That's my ride!"

"Well... I'm going to drive it anyway. Later!"

"Hey! HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Lance yelled at the jeep as it sped away. "AT LEAST PUT SOME GAS IN IT!" As the jeep turned at the next street, another car pulled up next to them, with the words "SMITH DRIVING SCHOOL" written on the trunk.

"I GOT MY LICENSE!" Bobby Drake yelled to them. Pear Man sat in the passenger's seat with his usual look of indifference. "Maybe the Professor will let my drive the X-Van now... now wait, Scott's car! Yes! Rolling in style!"

"We have places to be," Pear Man droned.

"Oh, right. Catch you later, Lance!"

"Ha, ha, ha," Lance muttered sarcastically to himself as Bobby began to drive away, "No you won't." A pillar of concrete emerged from the ground beneath the car, hurling it into the air. It crashed hood-first against the pillar itself with enough force to rain scrap metal and assorted parts along the street. Pear Man had his steabelt on, but poor Bobby fell through the window. No, don't worry, you fucking babies, he's not dead, but he's really badly injured and bleeding. In fact, his head is pretty messed up. But don't worry, Iceman fans, he's still alive! Idiots.

Er. Anyway.

"Now what did you go and do that for?!" Pietro whined.

"Now we just got more crap to pick up!" Todd complained.

"Look at this mess!" Fred yelled. "Hubcaps, cylinders, spark plugs... we're never gonna get all this junk off the street?"

"No, but we won't have to," Lance told them. "We work until our time's up, then we let some other chump deal with this. And besides, look at Drake."

"He has a point," Pietro admitted. "Okay, back to work..."

--------------------

Wanda was cruising along on her way back to the Brotherhood boarding house, passing by Bayville High. She couldn't find anything decent to listen to, so she just hummed to herself. She checked herself in the rear-view mirror.

"These driving glasses are pretty sharp," she said. Looking in the mirror, she saw something else- flashes of red and blue. "Oh no..." Wanda sighed and pulled over. The officer casually walked over to the jeep and leaned in.

"Mornin', ma'am. Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Uh... fifty?"

"Sixty in a school zone. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get you a ticket. License and insurance, please?"

"Uh... I don't have my license yet."

"Well that's a shame, really, I'm gonna have to put that down." Wanda lifted her hand and pointed it towards the officer. "Mmm-hmm, I know you're a mutant, ma'am," he said without looking up from the ticket he was writing. "There's a bunch of kids, parents and teachers watching us right now, so I got witnesses. This is going on your record either way, so you might as well take it peacefully and save everyone some trouble." The officer handed her the ticket. "Now, I'm a gentleman, so I'll let you drive back to your house without your license, but you have to get that ticket taken care of. Have a nice day, ma'am."

"Yeah... thanks." Wanda shifted gears and drove rather aggressively the rest of the way home. For the first time in a long time, Wanda was a loser and she did not take it well.

**The End**

**Well I can't let Wanda have too much fun. Ugh. Eight months and this is the best I could come up with?**


	38. Brotherhood at the Movies: Spiderman 2

**Warning: This story contains Spider-man 2 spoilers. It also contains numerous rants about potential flaws in the movie, so if you have not seen Spider-man 2, or liked Spider-man 2 to the point of mad obsession (since it seems everyone has decided that it is the greatest movie ever made), do not read this. If you Spider-man 2 but are open to the possibility of Spider-man 2 not having been the greatest movie of all time, then you're safe. Also, some of these rants are not my views, but that of the characters, so don't come crying to me if you're offended by something Pietro says.**

**The disclaimer has four mechanical arms grafted to it, for some reason. That's okay, though, they don't work. Now then, our feature presentation...**

The Bayville Grand Cinema downtown was a movie theater created in the early days of cinema, capable of holding a larger crowd of people than most modern theaters, and had balconies to accomodate these added guests. Unfortunately, one of the balconies was closed to the public due to some... damage done to it, despite having just been repaired after similar damages were sustained the year before. That night's feature screening was Spider-man 2, a movie based on a comic book, of all things. As one of the most anticipated movies of the year, Spider-man 2 drew a large crowd, more than could be seated. At first, a few people tried getting into the balconies, but thanks to collapsed stairs (again), they couldn't. Rather than try to get in, they all just went to one of the many multiplexes that were appearing around the city.

"You know, maybe we should stop selling tickets to the balcony since people can never get in," one of the employees said to the manager.

"Are you mad?! Do you want to have to charge them five dollars a hot dog?"

"We already do charge them five dollars a hot dog."

"Excellent."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"The Brotherhood at the Movies: Spider-man 2"**

**King of the Worthless**

Note: for writing convenience, and to cut down on "said Lance" and "Todd asked", this will be written in a more script-like format... like a TV show!

The Brotherhood sat in the balcony with a ton of snacks they had smuggled in. The movie was over, but with the way blocked, the ushers couldn't get in there and force them out.

Lance- Hmm, not bad, not bad. Opinions, people?

Toad- Greatest movie ever made!

Pietro- All hype and no payoff!

Wanda- It was alright.

Fred- I missed the first hour, I was busy sleeping.

Lance- Hmm, mixed crowd. Okay, first thing's first. Tobey Maguire.

Pietro- I thought he filled the role nicely, but he still looks like he's stunned by the whole thing.

Toad- Are you kidding?! Oscar material, man! Didn't you hear his speech about th' loved ones being hurt?

Pietro- Yes, yes, I heard his stupid loved ones speech. It was all talk and no action!

Fred- But the action they had was pretty good.

Wanda- I thought he was more likeable this time around. His life was actually tough, he wasn't some rich kid being angsty. None of those stupid Xavier kids could've appreciated his performance.

Lance- Good point. I wouldn't say the guy's had the hardest life in the world, but at least he wasn't having everything handed to him. When he wasn't wearing his costume, he kind of reminded me of Toad.

Toad- Huh?

Wanda- Actually, he reminded me of Toad when he was wearing the costume, with all the acrobatics and all that.

Toad- So you guys accusin' me of somethin'?

Pietro- Please, we already know you're a supervillain.

Toad- I ain't no supervillain, I'm a damn... uh... what's th' correct term for someone who's super, but not a hero or a villain?

Pietro- Nobody.

Toad- Hey, that's cold, yo.

Fred- Now Doc Ock, that guy was cool. Nobody could touch the guy!

Wanda- I liked the Goblin better. There was a point to him, all Dr. Octopus was there for was action. It was kind of like they just had him to throw in some action when the movie got too dull. I mean, Alfred Molina was good, but they just didn't give him anything to do.

Pietro- You liked the fucking Goblin better? At least Ock wasn't flying around with a fucking Halloween costume!

Fred- Hey, the Green Goblin had a cool costume! How come you're not attacking Spider-man's costume?

Pietro- Because it wasn't ridiculously over-the-top! Ocks didn't even have a real costume, he just wore street clothes and had his tentacles to make him visually interesting. He pulled off supervillain while wearing civvies, now that's style!

Lance- Yeah, I have to admit he looked cooler than the Goblin, but he was in what, fifteen minutes of the whole thing?

Pietro- What was up with that? Less Peter Parker angst, more Spider-man ass-kicking! This is supposed to be an action movie!

Wanda- I liked that they added more drama into it.

Toad- Yeah, we gotta actually care about th' hero, and this is like, the first time that I've ever cared about a hero.

Fred- What about Luke Skywalker?

Toad- I'm more of a Vader guy.

Fred- Ooh, and I'm Boba Fett!

Toad- No disintegrations!

Fred- He's no good to me dead!

Toad- You have failed me for the last time!

Fred- He's no good... uh... that's the only Boba Fett quote I know.

Pietro- Back on topic, you numbskulls! Now... Kirsten Dunst. Thoughts, gentlemen... and lady?

Lance- They had to find an excuse to get her wet and have her nipples poking through. I'm glad they did.

(Lance and Fred high-five)

Lance- Eye candy aside, she was kinda boring.

Pietro- That she was.

Wanda- What was so boring about her?

Lance- "Do you love me Peter? You don't love me Peter! I don't love you Peter! Do I love you Peter?"

Wanda- Okay, so that got out of hand, but that's how teen drama works. What about Kitty?

Lance- Fine, fi-

Wanda- "Do you love me, Kitty! You don't love me Kitty! I don't love you Kitty! Do I love you Kitty?"

Lance- Okay, fine shut up!

Wanda- Just making my point.

Pietro- The love triangle moved too slowly. We only see the other guy like twice.

Toad- Jameson's son.

Pietro- That was the newspaper guy's son? Small world.

Toad- It kinda works that way in comic books, yeah.

Fred- Jameson, that guy was funny. He stole the whole movie!

Pietro- Stole the whole movie?! He wasn't in most of it!

Fred- But you remembered him, didn't you?

Pietro- Fine, fine, point to you, Blob. Jameson was funny.

Lance- One thing I didn't get, what was Ock rebuilding that machine for?

Wanda- Uh... I don't know. Did they explain that?

Pietro- No, they didn't. He just decides he needs to make a bigger one.

Toad- His tentacles were controllin' him!

Pietro- How do his tentacles control him?!

Toad- They had AI, but he had this chip on the harness, right? It got fried durin' th' accident.

Pietro- So... his tentacles have AI and control him because that thing's attached to his spine. That's nuts.

Fred- It's a movie.

Pietro- That doesn't explain why he had to rebuild the stupid machine. Nobody's going to give him a contract if he had to go terrorize the city to build it.

Toad- Th' way I see it, the tentacles were built to help him with that thing, and since they've got AI, they convinced him that he still needed them by telling him he had to rebuild th' machine, since that's their purpose.

Lance- Wait, wait, wait, what do they need to convince him of anything for? They're stronger than him, all they have to do is pummel him to get him to keep them on... besides, how can he get rid of the arms if they won't let him?

Fred- Yeah, the doctors all got butchered trying.

Toad- Well, cuz I guess he's got some master control to remove them, or something. Maybe they're programmed to be afraid of him or somethin'.

Wanda- But that still doesn't make sense, he snapped out of their control pretty easily. The tentacles talked to him and convinced him to go rampage through the city, but he was acting pretty insane. They can influence his decisions, but how could they affect his personality like that?

Toad- Cuz they're connected to his spine and th' chip got fried!

Wanda- So you're saying that they possessed him?

Toad- Yeah, exactly!

Wanda- So if they possessed him, what did they need to convince him for?

Toad- Okay, not completely possessed, more like... screw with his mind. Maybe he was still sane enough that he needed a motive or somethin'.

Pietro- Whoever wrote this crap needs to have AI tentacles grafted to his back, maybe that way four of those extra minds might decide to give the audience some explanation.

Fred- So he could take them off anytime he wanted to?

Toad- I guess so. In th' comics, they got fused to his back, but here, it looked like he could've taken them off at some point, you know, if they let him.

Wanda- Okay, I get what you're saying now.

Pietro- Hey, he's doing this crazy mini-sun fusion crap, but he's got AI tentacles that can kill people for trying to take them off... they're smart enough to care about their own existance, why didn't he just sell that AI to Harry and not take the risk of that mini-sun thing?

Toad- How do you know he didn't already?

Pietro- Fine, fine.

Fred- It's just a movie, guys!

Pietro- A retarded movie.

Wanda- I still think the movie should've explained all that.

Toad- Okay, so they didn't flesh Doc Ock out very much, but come on, clocktower-train fight.

Lance- Yeah, who cares if it doesn't make sense? That was a kickass fight.

Fred- This is what we paid to see!

Pietro- All hype. Now... James Franco.

Toad- Eh.

Fred- Who?

Lance- Harry, right? Uh... didn't he just stand there ranting about how he wants to kill Spider-man?

Wanda- I thought he was hot.

Lance- Yeah, you would.

Pietro- Hey, let her have her opinion.

Lance- ...

Fred- Oh, Harry... hey, isn't he the Hobgoblin?

Toad- No, you got it all wrong, he's th' next Green Goblin.

Fred- There's another one?

Pietro- What? Another Goblin?

Toad- Well yeah, you saw the end, Harry found all th' Goblin stuff, like in the comics, so now he wants revenge.

Lance- Hey, can they do that? They already had one Goblin, you can't go from kickass Doc Ock back to goofy Goblin again.

Toad- I dunno, but that's what it looks like.

Wanda- There's that other guy, too.

Fred- What other guy?

Wanda- I can't remember, Toad was hopping in his seat and telling me something about some other guy.

Toad- Oh, Curt Connors, Peter's professor! He turns into The Lizard!

Fred- Lizard? That guy's not very cool.

Toad- Well, no, but Dr. Octopus is really stupid lookin' in th' comics, so anything goes.

Lance- Lizard and Green Goblin... hey, didn't the Batman movies all have two villains?

Toad- Th' last one had three. Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane.

Fred- Who's Bane?

Pietro- Wait, I remember him, big dumb guy with a mask, never said anything?

Wanda- Guys, back to Spider-man. What did you think of the ending?

Pietro- Mary Jane ran out on her own wedding! What a total bitch! The poor guy's standing at the altar and he has no idea why she stood him up!

Lance- So?

Pietro- So?! It wasn't like she was marrying some jerk, he's a victim in all this! Poor guy's crushed and he doesn't even get an explanation!

Wanda- Would you rather she marry him and then have the audience wondering how the Spidey and MJ relationship can still work?

Pietro- Yes!

Fred- It doesn't really work that way, Pietro.

Pietro- The hell it doesn't!

Lance- Why do you care so much, anyway?

Pietro- Because he looked so heartbroken! Poor guy...

Lance- So go find him and comfort him already!

Pietro- What are you implying?!

Lance- So let's review. Maguire's skills have improved, Dunst and Franco are so-so, Molina was good but underused, the plot needed some explanation on Dr. Octopus, we have mixed feelings about the return of the Green Goblin, it was a little talky but the action scenes made up for it.

Fred- You forgot about Aunt May.

Lance- Does it look like a give a shit about Aunt May?

Wanda- I don't.

Lance- Thank you. Overall, the Brotherhood gives this movie four out of five stars! Print that out for me, Toad.

Toad- out of .

Lance- Next week we'll be reviewing... uh... what the hell, there's nothing really good coming up this summer. We'll rent something.

**The End**

**Unlike that overrated crapfest called X2...**


	39. Arcade's Super Hell Murderworld

**The disclaimer is working with Interpol to take down a notorious drug lord and avenge his army buddy. This one came to me one night at the arcade. Between watching my friend get his ass kicked at SVC Chaos (again) and watching some guy make a complete fool of himself at DDR, I decided that my life is so devoid of any meaning that I should write another story. This one's long and very, very weird. Not "monster in my toilet wants to borrow my new shirt" weird, more like "your uncle is sitting on your couch and staring at you with a look of horror and you have no idea what to do" weird. I wish he'd stop. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

It was Tuesday night. Things were not cool in Bayville- in fact, they were downright lame. Monday was over, but there were still three more days to go before the weekend. The residents of the Xavier Institute had gone to bed around nine o'clock to rest up for a long day of school the following day. Of course, not everyone had to go to school the following day...

"Okay, okay, watch this!" Todd pushed on the joystick and pressed several buttons and his on-screen karate character sped forward, grabbed his opponent, hit him 30 times as the screen darkened, and ended in a victory pose with a Japanese character superimposed behind him and his opponent lying on the ground. "That was th' Super Hell Murder, my signature move!"

"How the hell did you do that?!" Lance yelled.

"Lots of practice, young grasshopper."

"Eh. I'm out of tokens." Lance walked away from the arcade machine with his hands in his pockets and joined Fred, who sat in one of the racing game seats, though he was also out of tokens, so he just pretended he was racing along with the demo. "Well, I'm clean out. Toad's probably going to last a while on that one token. When does this place close, anyway?"

"Midnight," Fred said between vroooms. "We could stay a while longer, I think we're the only guys left here." Lance looked around and noticed that the arcade was empty.

"I guess. I don't have anywhere else to be right now. Hey, hook us up with some more tokens, would you?"

"Sure thing." Fred stood up and walked over to the token machine, punched it lightly enough not to damage it, and scooped up several tokens in each of his massive hands, pouring one handful into Lance's open hands. "There you go, courtesy of the Bank of Dukes!"

"Uh, guys, that's not exactly cool," Paul, their old classmate said from behind the counter. After graduating, Paul took different jobs to get by, including working at the arcade. Naturally, Lance and Fred ignored him. "Right. Yeah."

"Alright, now to go for a rematch!"

"Actually, I think I'd like to challenge your friend first," a newcomer said... a red-headed stranger with thick glasses and a thin frame. Rumors were often spoken of this man... they said that he attained the high score in Tetris at the age of six and that it had yet to be surpassed... they said that he could execute the Burning Super Flying Double Jump Twist Hand Smash God Fist super move with one hand... they even said that if blindfolded, he could still drive his way around the most difficult tracks on instinct alone. Many had challenged this stranger and fallen, and the battleground was littered with the bodies of would-be champions... for no man could stand against him, he was the master of all games. By day, he was Webber Torque, by night, he wore a name that was feared by his opponents, despite being on the sign outside.

"Sup, Arcade."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Arcade's Super Hell Murderworld"**

**King of the Worthless**

"Sup nothing, Toad," Arcade sparred. "I heard you've got a winning streak going tonight. I'm here to end it."

"Uh... ain't you got school tomorrow?"

"I do, but protecting my high score and reputation around here is more important than my continued education." Arcade took a small, velvet pouch from his backpack with "WT" embroided on it in cursive gold letters. He opened the pouch and took from it a shiny, flawless token. "Don't tell me you're... chicken, Tolensky."

"Ooooh!" Lance and Fred both said in unison. Towards the end of the "ooh", Paul joined in.

"Hey, I ain't afraid of nothin'!"

"He actually is," Lance explained.

"C'mon! You and me, right here, right now! I'm wipin' th' floor with your face, punk!" Arcade inserted the token and both were taken to the character select screen. Todd chose his original character, the karate master with the crazy red ponytail sticking upwards. Arcade chose a character with a similar outfit- except, it was pink, and the character had a girly ponytail. "You chose DAN?! C'mon, I was expectin' a challenge!"

"GO FOR BROKE!" the game announcer yelled, strangely. Lance and Fred exchanged confused looks. "TRIUMPH OR DIE!" And so, the match started. Todd started the round with a fireball, with Arcade blocked. Todd jumped and fired an Air Fireball, which Arcade also blocked. Todd jumped away and waited.

"C'mon, do somethin'!"

"GADOKEN!" Arcade yelled excitedly, imititating the battle cry his character yelled. Arcade had launched a fireball of his own, but... it fizzled and dissolved rather quickly.

"HAH! _HAH!_" Toad yelled. He jumped towards him and executed a spinning mid-air kick, which Arcade blocked.

"This is boring," Fred whined.

Suddenly, Arcade punched Todd, then jumped against him and kicked him, then quickly landed and performed a flying uppercut before Todd could even hit the ground. Todd clenched his teeth and fired repeated fireballs. Arcade jumped over them, kicking Todd in the face and then performing a special move that launched him forward, kicking Todd repeatedly. Todd was still in midair when Arcade yelled "GADOKEN!"

"Oh no, you ain't gettin' me with your shitty fireball!"

"GADOKEN!" the in-game character yelled. The crappy low-powered fireball hit Todd as he fell to the ground. The match was over, and Arcade had won using a joke of a character.

"No... no...! I can't lose to Dan!"

"You just did," Arcade gloated. "Now, care to stand down or do I have to defend myself again with a shitty fireball?"

"It's over... no... I can't lose to Dan... I can't lose to Dan... no... he got me... how could he? I was th' strongest character in the game... I didn't even get a chance to do my special Super Hell Murder! How could Dan get me? It don't add up! IT DON'T ADD UP!"

"Toad, calm down," Lance said. "It's just a game."

"JUST A GAME?! No way! I'm not takin' this shit! You want a rematch, Arcade, you got it!" Todd took a token from his pocket and pushed it forward, only to have it fall and hit the kitchen floor. "Huh?"

"The match ended about nine hours ago. It's morning now," Lance explained. Todd realized he was sitting in the kitchen. Lance was eating a bowl of cereal. "You took it pretty hard."

"I lost to DAN! They only put Dan in the game as a joke! That's like... that's like playing as one of th' X-Men and losing to ME!"

"Oh." Lance finally understood why this was so hard for him. "Well, okay. I guess just keep practicing... or something."

"Is he still not out of his trance?" Wanda asked, entering the kitchen in red pajamas.

"I am now, my bed-head beauty," Todd said, jumping over and hugging her with a wide grin. She pushed him away and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. "Anyway, I need to figure out how to beat Arcade. That guy's been playin' those games since he was still in his momma's womb."

"Well, if you want to beat him, you'll have to train some more," Wanda said, pouring herself some cereal. She looked at the box. "See? Wheaties. Breakfast of champions, that's a good start... is this all we have?"

"Yeah, ever since Pietro went nuts and said Freddy and Toad couldn't have sugar before noon," Lance lamented.

"Look, normally, I don't do this," Wanda said to Todd, "But I'm going crazy not having anything to do but hang around this dead-end house, so I'm going to be your trainer."

"Er... how much you know about video games?" Todd asked.

"About as much as you know about winning."

"...Ouch."

"Listen, thanks, Wanda," Lance said, dumping his empty bowl in the sink. "You've saved me a whole lot of wasted time and humiliation. Now, I have some tires to slash..."

--------------------

"Hey, pizza's... here?" Kurt teleported outside the front door of the Xavier Institute when someone rang the doorbell. Instead, he found Todd and Wanda, dressed in jogging suits. Wanda had a ski cap and a toothpick between her ruby red lips, luscious, beautiful lips...

"Stop staring, Toad."

"Yes'm."

"What are you two doing here?" Kurt asked.

"We're here to use your training facilities."

"That can be arranged," Professor Xavier said, wheeling out the front door, his hands clasped together with the tip of each finger touching the tip of the corresponding finger of the opposite hand. Somehow, Xavier seemed delighted that such a complicated explanation could be used for such a simple hand gesture.

"Wait, wait, I know you, Xavier," Todd said. "What's it gonna cost us?"

"Oh, nothing, Mr. Tolensky, nothing at all... except that when the two of you are finally married, you will allow me to raise your first-born child. He- or maybe she- will be raised to uphold my ideals and believe in my system of morals."

"Done," Wanda said without hesitation, knowing who was getting the short end of the deal.

"Er..."

"Very well!" Xavier said, clasping his hands together. "Come this way..." And so, Xavier showed them to the Danger Room. The Xavier entered the control room with Wanda and a suited-up Cyclops. Todd sat below, in the Danger Room, crouched and scratching his head.

"Okay, Toad's been here before, but this is Wanda's first time, so we'll start from the beginning," Cyclops said. "This is the..." Cyclops walked over to a portable dry-erase board nailed to the wall. "D... a... n... g... e... r... R..." Cyclops dropped the marker. "Oops... o...o...m. This is the room where the X-Men train and hone their mutant skills. I am Scott Summers, or... C... y... c... l... o... p... s... which is my mutant codename."

"So, what does this button do?" Wanda asked. She pressed a red button marked with an X on the console and below them, in the Danger Room itself, a team of red spider robots appeared, firing lasers arbitrarily. Todd began to hop around, dodging them. "Aha! Let's give Toad some exercise."

"You want me to fight those things?! Babycakes, you know I'd do it for you, but are you sure this is gonna help me?"

"Of course it will. Fighting real opponents will help you develop stronger reflexes... where's the microphone on this thing?" Cyclops pointed it out to her. "Ah. Thanks, Scott."

"Cyclops."

"...Of course it will. Fighting real opponents will help you develop stronger reflexes. Toad, stay focused!"

"YAARGH!" Todd slid along the ground, smoking after a direct spider-blast.

"Walk it off, Toad. Okay... uh... remember to... stay focused!"

"Right, right..." Todd jumped over a spider-blast and tackled one of the spider-robots... but nothing happened. Todd fell to the ground, out cold.

"Uh... right... stay focused!" Wanda scratched her head. "Hmm. This isn't as easy as I thought it'd be."

"Yes, well, we'll leave you to train then," Professor Xavier said. "If you want, I could have Hank check your respective egg and sperm levels to make sure you're both fertile enough."

"...No, thank you," Wanda said.

"That's fine, but just talk to me if you need those checked. Anyway, help yourselves to anything in the kitchen... will you be staying here tonight?"

"Yes, but we're going to be up all night training. Anyway, I think I've got a handle on things here."

"Good, good. Well, I'll leave you two to train... are you sure you don't need Hank's..."

"LEAVE ALREADY!" Wanda screamed. Xavier's wheelchair began to move forward, seemingly on its own, into the elevator.

"Ah, right... I'll be leaving now, it seems. Well, good luck with-" The elevator door closed and took him away.

--------------------

"Hey, you remember Greg Hudson from shop?" Lance asked Fred across the breakfast table. Lance held a newspaper in his hands and an empty plate with toast crumbs in front of him, next to a half-finished glass of orange juice. Fred's plate had some scrambled eggs and sausages as well as a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, and a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, whadd aboudd hibb?" Fred asked, shoving more eggs in his mouth.

"He's getting married next month to that girl with the ponytail."

"Kitty?"

"No, no, that girl with the ponytail, we always used to see her at school."

"Taryn?"

"No, no, the one with the ass."

"Oh, oh, reddish hair, great rack, wouldn't go out with me?"

"Yeah, yeah, her."

"That's Jean."

"Huh? Dammit, no, not Jean, none of the X-Girls... okay, look, forget it. Point is, Greg from shop is getting hitched. Kind of ironic, don't you think?"

"I dunno. I guess." Fred took a sip of his coffee.

"Well, don't you remember? Greg was the skinny kid, had a limp wrist, we thought he was checking out Pietro at lunch?"

"Oh, right."

"Yeah, so he lands a total babe. Who saw that coming?"

"I did."

"Fine." Lance turned the page. "Hmm, listen to this, remember Rogue's friend, Risty?"

"Oh, purple hair, cute accent?"

"Yeah, here... she's gone missing, apparently. Nobody knows where she went. That's too bad, I got the feeling she didn't think you were too bad."

"Aw, shucks." Fred sat back after finishing his last sausage. Lance set the newspaper down and stopped, listening for something. "What?"

"You hear that?"

"I don't hear anything."

"Exactly. I never realized how quiet it was around here without Toad. Hell, he's only been gone a day and already I feel more relaxed. Hey, I think People's Court is on."

"That's fine, but I think I'll go for a little stroll," Fred announced as he got up. "Seems like a nice day outside."

"Hmm. Not a bad idea. I could use some fresh air." They entered the foyer and Lance leaned towards the stairs. "Hey, Pietro! Fred and I are going for a walk, you wanna come?" The only reply was a muffled groan. "Alright. C'mon."

--------------------

"Hmm, holograms," Wanda said to herself, reading the monitor in the Danger Room. "That sounds video game-ish, that'll do him some good."

"Aw, wha-?!" Todd jumped as the entire room changed. He was no longer in the Danger Room, but what appeared to be a combination of metal and rock... a rather familiar one, at that. "Aw, sweet, they got an Asteroid M simulation!"

"That's nice, but I can't get it to do anything," Wanda said over the speakers. "Ah, right, I need to throw in some actual obstacles... hmmm... they have pre-programmed robot combatants here. Aha!" A small part of the hologram along the floor faded, revealing the Danger Room beneath. A hole opened up and a surprisingly life-like Magneto emerged, though he apparently had no face, just two glowing robot eyes.

"Uh... ah... you sure you want me to fight your dad, poopsie?"

"This is a test, Toad. I've got him at a lower intelligence level, but he'll get harder. Remember, the fear is only in your mind. Now, remember that rag I gave you?"

"This precious gift?" Todd asked, holding up a long, thin rag. He was being rather sarcastic, even if it was a gift from Wanda.

"Yeah, use that as a blindfold."

"...I'm gonna fight Magneto blinfolded. Listen, I'm tryin' to beat some nerd at a video game, not trainin' to become Jesus!"

"Just do it!"

"Alright, alright, no need to snap at me, baby..." Todd wrapped the rag around his eyes. He looked around for a bit, checking to see if any light passed through, but no such luck. "Hehe... but with th' blast shield down, I can't see a thing! I think I'm gettin' th' hang of this zen Matrix stuff." Todd didn't notice that Magneto had begun to hover around him, waiting for him to make the first move. "So, uh, how's this gonna work, you gonna tell me what to do and I trust you?"

"No. Toad, focus only on your breathing." Todd took a deep breath, then exhaled. He concentrated on breathing only for a moment. "Let it be the focus of your whole being."

Magneto fired a blast at the unprepared Todd, who fell onto his side.

"Argh! That was cheap!"

"Toad, let go of your anger. Rage is strong, but you are stronger. Focus on victory, not on defeating your opponent."

"...Huh?"

"Well... okay, fight him to win, not because you want to kick his ass."

"Ah, gotcha, gotcha."

"Welcome... TO DIE!" Magneto suddenly yelled.

"...What the fuck?! Did he just yell 'WELCOME TO DIE'?!"

"Er... yeah, that he did, Toad." Wanda looked at the console. "I guess low intelligence means he's going to sound a little goofy... don't let that distract you."

"I can hear him..." Todd whispered. "I can hear the motors running inside him... HIYAH!" Todd quickly spun around and kicked Magneto in the shoulder.

"Good hit, Toad!" Wanda said. "He's still not down, though. Don't let his taunts distrac-"

"I AM MAGNETO! YOU ARE NOTHING!" Magneto yelled. Todd waited. He jumped to avoid an energy blast, and the moment he hit the ground, he jumped up and kicked Magneto in the head.

"Restrain the dark impulses, Toad," Wanda guided him. "See only your victory."

"I ain't afraid of you, Magneto!"

"I KILL YOU!"

"I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU!" Todd was caught off-guard and took a blast in the chest. As he lay on the ground, he slipped off his blindfold. Magneto hovered overhead, pointing at him.

"COME X-CHICKEN! YOU ARE! DEAD! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Are you alright, Toad?" Wanda asked.

"I'm... fine, I guess... hey, you just asked me if I'm alright."

"Don't dwell on it. C'mon, let's take a break. You did pretty good out there."

"Thanks," Todd replied. From where she stood, Wanda was too far to see the slight smile on his face.

--------------------

"Hey, I never noticed this before, but we live in a nice neighborhood," Fred said to Lance as they strolled down their street. "Not that I care about any of our neighbors or nothing."

"Hmm, you're right." There were children playing in their yards. "We usually drive by here, we're moving too fast to notice all this stuff going on. Actually, I think this is the first time I've walked down this street during daylight hours."

"I had to walk through here that time Rogue took my powers and threw me into the dump, but it was kinda late."

"Hey, did you hear about the cineplex downtown? It's being renovated."

"Oh yeah?"

"They're putting in a ton of new screens, but they're going to be smaller."

"Aw, man. I really liked that whole turn-of-the-century look they had going. Balconies, too?"

"Yeah, no more balconies, it's being modernized."

"Well I'm not letting them do that. I'm gonna chain myself to the box office... or something."

"Relax, there's a petition going around," Lance said to him. "I think I heard Drake say something about it being up at Bayville High. Hey, it's been a while since we've been to that old dump, what do you say we swing by and see what's new?"

"Fine by me. Is Gut Bomb still serving breakfast? I think we ought to stop by there, too."

"We just had breakfast."

"Well who says we can't have breakfast again?"

--------------------

"There is nothing here except you," Wanda said to Todd, who stood on a small platform in the Danger Room, still blindfolded. Wanda was in the Danger Room itself this time. "Only you. You see nothing here- only your own body. Now, follow my moves."

"Huh? How am I... right, right. Don't trust my eyes." Wanda kicked. Todd sensed it, and kicked. "Kick!" Wanda punched. Todd followed her moves, yelling "Punch!"

"It's all in the mind."

"SIMULATION COMMENCING," the Danger Room computer announced. A holographic karate instructor with an onion for a head appeared.

"If you want to test me, I'm sure you'll find," the onion began to rap, "The skills I teach ya is sure to beat ya! Nevertheless, you get a lesson from teacher! Now kick! Punch!"

"Not again!" Cyclops yelled from the control room. He deactivated the hologram. "Sorry about that. Kurt went a little crazy after playing this video game and programmed this in. Just don't use that string of words again."

"What, kick, punch, it's all in th' mind?"

"SIMULATION COMMENC-"

"ARRGH!"

"Well, this seems as good a time as any to take a lunch break," Wanda said. They removed their blindfolds and headed to the mansion's kitchen. Wanda looked in the fridge, rubbing her chin. "Not much in the way of brain food here."

"Hey, an empty bottle of ketchup!" Todd grabbed it with his tongue. "I'll just like th' inside clean and do 'em a favor!"

"No!" Wanda slapped the bottle out of his hands and let it smash against the floor. "You need something else... ah! Have some of this!"

"Some wha-" Before Todd could refuse or even move out of the way, Wanda shoved a spoonful of mayonnaise into his mouth. Todd found that he was unable to open his mouth; Wanda had hexed him into swallowing it against his will. "AAAGH! What did you do that for?! I know you don't like me, but I never did nothin' to deserve that!"

"What you need is something with strong flavor."

"Strong flavor?! That shit nearly KILLED ME!"

"Quit whining. Here, have another spoonful."

"HELL N-" Todd was again forced to take his crappy medicine. "AARGRHRHAJKAMGEWGRAAAH! If you're gonna do that, at least gimme an explanation!"

"It builds strength. If you can stand it, you can stand anything."

"There's raw eggs in that shit!"

"You eat flies."

"Point taken, sweetums. Hook me up with another spoonful." Wanda gave him another helping. "It's not so bad now... and I do like being spoonfed by my main squeeze."

"Toad, this isn't supposed to be fun. Feed yourself." She handed him the jar and spoon. "Let's see if they have enough for a decent sandwich in here... turkey! Perfect."

--------------------

"Hmm, Bayville High is smaller than I remember," Lance noted. Bayville was exactly as it was before. "Hmm. Ah, here's someone we know. What's up, Amanda?"

Amanda Sefton, who was lounging under a tree, writing in her diary, looked up, a little surprised to find Lance and Fred on school grounds. "Oh... hi, there... Lance, right? And Blob!"

"I have a name, you know."

"Right... John? Sam? Wait, wait, you're Richard, right?"

"I'm Fred! Why is that so hard for people?" Fred hung his head.

"I'm sorry, Fred. Hey, didn't you guys get expelled?"

"Yeah, but we just decided to stop by and see how the place is doing," Lance explained. "So, anything new around here?"

"Not really. Mr. Maltin got fired for showing A Clockwork Orange to some freshmen."

"Who'd they replace him with?"

"Mrs. Leonard. Hey, there she is right now! Hi, Mrs. Leonard!" Mrs. Leonard, a woman who looked decidedly un-woman-like, stop by, shuffling awkwardly on her high heels.

"Oh, hello, dearie!" Mrs. Leonard replied in a voice that sounded forceably high-pitched. "I am off to my luncheon! You have a nice day!"

"Uh..." Lance said as she walked off.

"Yeah, we figured it out pretty quickly, but we don't say anything about it," Amanda said.

"So what are you writing about?" Fred asked.

"Huh?" Amanda looked down at her diary and quickly shut it. "Oh, nothing, just... writing out my schedule for the semester."

"Really? Let me take a look at it." Lance reached for the diary, but Amanda quickly pulled it away. "C'mon, I just want to see what classes you're taking."

"No, that's okay, I'm not taking any interesting classes..."

"Hey, don't be rude," Fred insisted. He reached down, but Amanda quickly got up and started backing away from them.

"Kurt was right, you guys are creeps! Get away from me!" Amanda then began to run. Lance and Fred stayed where they were, and after a moment, Lance raised his hand.

"Uh... Lance, what are you doing?"

"Catching that diary." Lance looked at his hand and realized it was empty. "Er... right."

"Were you supposed to do something with your powers or something?"

"No, I was expecting Toad to jump ahead, grab it with his tongue, then toss it back to me. I guess I forgot he's not here."

"Hmm." Fred scratched his mohawk. "Hey, was that tree always there?"

"I'm pretty sure it was. Ah! Amanda left her purse behind!" Lance pointed to a small black purse sitting next to the tree. "There's gotta be something good there."

"Let's take a look, then." Fred reached down, then realized that both he and Lance had their hands on the purse. They stopped, staring at each other. Lance pulled it towards him, but Fred, obviously the stronger of the two, pulled it away and towards him.

"Hey, don't be selfish, Fred, I saw it first!"

"Selfish? I know you, Lance, you're gonna take everything for yourself! I'm just getting first dibs so I know you won't cheat me or nothing!"

"Cheat you?! You fat ingrate! You've got the eyes of a mole and the concentration of a duck! If it weren't for me you wouldn't have noticed that purse, now give it back so I can divide the profits!"

"How do I know I can trust you? You like to boss people around and get all the credit!"

"You idiot, that's Pietro!"

"Nuh uh! That's both of you!"

"You're starting to piss me off!" Lance's hand tensed up and the ground beneath Fred began to tremble. The tree they were standing near was uprooted and fell away from them.

"You think your tremors can stop me?! You can't move me! I'm the Blob!" Just as he boasted, Fred could not be moved. Fred grabbed Lance by his shirt and lifted him up. "You can't do nothing!"

"Put me down you tub of lard!" Lance kicked Fred in the face and stunned him. He waddled for a moment before falling on his back, dropping Lance next to him. They both took a moment to recover before sitting up. "We need to get Toad back."

"He and Wanda are gonna be out until he beats Arcade again."

"So we schedule a rematch tonight. Toad's gotta be ready by now. We can sweeten the deal, too, we'll start a betting table and get ourselves some spare cash."

"You sure it'll work?"

"It's got to. You know Wanda, when she puts her mind to something, she's unstoppable... for better or for worse. Now, let's see what sweet little Amanda had in her..." Lance noticed the purse was empty. "Uh..."

"Ah, you boys found my purse!" Mrs. Leonard said, running by and taking the purse. "Oh, thank you so much, you're both perfect gentlemen!"

"Uh, no problem."

"Well, I truly must be going, goodbye!" Mrs. Leonard adjust his wig... er, adjusted her hair and walked off.

--------------------

"I AM MAGNETO! YOU ARE NOTHING!" The mechanical Magneto yelled. Once more blindfolded, Todd jumped over Magneto, kicking him in the back. Magneto turned around and fired a volley of energy blasts. Todd ducked one, rolled forward, jumped over another and jumped back up, kicking the fake Magneto's head off.

"I am victorious," Todd said calmly as he pulled off his blindfold.

"Great work, Toad!" Wanda congratulated him. "We'll call it a day. Tomorrow, I'm going to bring up the Apocalypse simulation."

"Hey Wanda!" Fred said, walking into the control room. "Mind if I talk to you?"

"Fred? What are you doing here? How'd you get in?"

"I put Drake in a headlock until he let me in. So how's training going?"

"Pretty well, actually. He just beat a Magneto simulation blindfolded!"

"Wow, sounds like he's ready, which is good, because he's facing off with Arcade tonight at seven!"

"What?! Tonight?! Are you kidding, he's not ready! Why'd you schedule him?!"

"Actually, Lance did," Fred said, removing himself out of fear. "Arcade already agreed to it. Lance is already taking bets at the arcade downtown."

"Great, now he can't forfeit or he'll look like a wuss. I think you guys should have consulted me before doing this."

"Right, I can hear you guys, you know," Todd yelled in the Danger Room.

"Okay, it's a deal, but I want half of the profits if he wins."

"Deal."

"I... uh... guys?" Todd yelled. "Don't I get a say in this?"

--------------------

"Alright, five to start," Lance said, taking a five-dollar bill from Professor Xavier and writing his name down on a list. Lance stood behind the counter with a notebook and a deposit box. "Who's this on?"

"Actually, give me three hundred on Mr. Tolensky and three hundred on Mr. Torque."

"Uh... you can't do that."

"Then surprise me."

"...That can be arranged." Lance took Xavier's three hundred and sliped it into his pocket. "Dumbass."

"Listen, Lance," Paul said, leaning on the counter. "I said you could arrange this little fight here, but I didn't say anything about this little betting window. You know that's not cool. I could get fired if the manager finds out about this."

"Relax, Paul, I'm keeping your name out of this. If we get caught, we won't rat you out."

"Good. Now... fifty on Arcade, put me down as Mr. Hammy."

"Alright. There. Hold on to your ticket." Lance looked up. "Our first challenger is here." The small crowd at the arcade parted a way towards the entrance. Arcade, wearing a poncho and a hat with the brim lowered, stepped inside. There was a distinctive metal jingle as he paced towards the Street Fighter machine- not from spurs, but from the tokens hidden away in his personalized velvet pouch. He lifted his head and pushed his hat upwards. Lance elbowed Paul in the ribs.

"What, what? Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, as player one, the red-haired stranger, the best in the west, from the stroller to the controller, he's a geek but he ain't weak, the reigning chaaaaaaamp-eeeeeeeeeen WEBBER 'ARCADE' TORQUE!" There was some minor applause, mainly by other gamer geeks who looked up to Arcade.

"Looks like my opponent's not here yet," Arcade boasted. "Maybe he chickened out. This just proves that I'm truly the greatest around here."

"You're gonna eat those words, pal," Todd said, walking in wearing a karate gi and a white headband. Wanda walked with him, wearing a similar gi, but with a red headband. She crossed her arms as Todd approached the machine.

"And our challenger," Paul announced, "As player two, the grungy amhpibian, the beast from the east, the jumpster from the dumpster, he's slimy yet satisfying, the chaaaaalleengeeeeeeeer TODD 'THE TOAD' TOLENKSKY!" Todd was likewise met with mild applause.

"Ready to kiss the canvas again, Toad?" Arcade asked.

"I know no hate and do not respond to taunts," Todd replied. "There is only th' joystick."

"And the buttons?"

"And th' buttons."

"So who's this, your master?" Arcade asked, looking at Wanda, who stood to one side now that Todd had taken his place at the machine. "Good that you've been trained by a girl, because you're going to get beaten like one!"

"There is only th' joystick."

"Or maybe she's your girl? But then, once she sees she's been hanging on to a loser, she'll change sides and stick to a real pro."

"There is only th' joystick."

"We both know I can offer her more than you ever could, but I think she could offer me much more-" Arcade stopped when Todd quickly grabbed his neck, without looking up at him or changing his expression.

"There is only th' joystick. You gonna fight or what?"

"Now we're talking." They inserted their tokens and were taken to the character select screen. Todd once again selected his preferred character: the same black-suited karate guy with the red hair. Arcade, however, chose a different fighter- this time, he chose a character more similar to Todd's, with long yellow hair and a red gi.

"No way, Ken?!"

"You didn't think I was going to choose that joke Dan again, did you?"

"I wasn't prepared for this," Todd whispered to Wanda. "I thought he was gonna pick Dan again!"

"This doesn't change anything, Toad. Remember your training. Don't be afraid of him. There is only you and the victory."

"But... but this is KEN!"

"Toad, listen to me! The fighter is only as good as the player controlling him!"

"Okay, okay... but first... say it for me, will you?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"...May the Force be with you."

"Well, I was actualling askin' for 'Good luck, love of my life,' but I'm willin' to settle." And so, the battle began. Arcade's first move was a fireball- Todd blocked it. Arcade then waited in the opposite corner.

Both opponents stood there for a while.

"What the hell?!" one of the onlookers yelled. "DO SOMETHING!"

"Okay, don't get pushy," Arcade replied. He fired another fireball, then a spinning kick, then a rising uppercut, then another spinning kick. He continued using those three moves on Todd, who just remained in the corner, blocking. "You realize that even if you block, it takes a little bit of your life off, right? If the timer runs out before I can wear you down to nothing, I automatically win."

"Stay patient," Wanda said. "Don't listen to his taunts."

"There is only th' joystick and th' buttons," Todd repeated to himself. He waited a little more as Arcade continued his assault. "Babycakes, the headband, please."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm confident." Wanda lowered his headband, blinding him. The crowd whispered amongst themselves. Lance slapped his forehead. Arcade stopped moving, stunned by his opponent's stupidity.

"...Toad, look, if you want to forfeit, that's fine. You don't have to do this," Arcade said to him.

"Bring it on, nerdo. I'm ready for you."

"Well, okay..." Arcade ran back towards Todd, jumping in with a high kick and sweeping him as he landed; Todd blocked both moves. His vision was restricted, but his other senses weren't. He heard Arcade's joystick move to the right; he was coming back at him. He heard a button being pressed; a punch button. Todd blocked it. Arcade moved the joystick in a quarter-circle and hit a punch button; Todd jumped over the fireball. "...Whoa." Todd heard the joystick move up, and a kick button; Todd countered with a rising uppercut. "No way. This has to be some trick."

"No trick. There is only th' joystick."

"No more games. I'm done being nice, Toad. Say goodnight!" Arcade's character flashed onscreen for a moment, then quickly lunged forward, kicking the air. This was one of the special super moves- if Todd didn't block the first hit, he wouldn't be able to block any of them. All of Arcade's hits would land, and with his current health, Todd would be done for.

"SUPER HELL MURDER!" Todd yelled. His own character floated forward, leaving a trail of shadows behind him. He grabbed Arcade in mid-air and the screen turned black as repeated hits were registered. Todd stood triumphant as Arcade lay on the ground. A Japanese character meaning "heaven" was superimposed behind Todd.

"WHAT?!" Arcade screamed. The match was over.

"The winner and reigning champion," Paul announced in a depressed tone, "Todd 'the Toad' Tolensky." Angry gamblers shuffled out of the arcade. Arcade's fans, ashamed, left without saying a word.

"What just happened?" Arcade asked.

"It was easy, really," Todd explained, removing his blindfold, "Since I blocked most of th' round, you took off some of my life, but what you didn't notice was that every time you hit me, that built up my super meter. All I had to do was wait for you come at me- th' best way to counter a super move is with another super move, and since you started yours first, there was no way you could do anything about my Super Hell Murder."

"Amazing. Well, my rep around here is destroyed." Arcade put his hat back on. "I'm changing my focus now. I'll still come in here from time to time to keep up with the coin-op games, but right now, I'm going to concentrate on MMORPG's."

"On wha?" Todd asked.

"Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. I just got an expansion for Warmonger, the 3.0 version, with the new-"

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Well, so long, Toad. Don't be a stranger." Someone began whistling as Arcade stepped out, walking off into the sunset. An SUV stopped by and Arcade got in, and his mom drove him into the sunset. Once he was gone, Professor Xavier stopped whistling and went up to the counter.

"So, do I get anything?"

"No," Lance said. "I put you down for Arcade."

"Rats. Ah well. I'd better get back to the Institute. Take care, Mr. Alvers." He turned around, but stopped at Todd and Wanda on his way out. "Don't forget. I'll be waiting."

"Hehe, right," Wanda humored him. The arcade was empty, except for Lance, Todd, Wanda, Fred and Paul. As Paul went around picking up trash, the four Brotherhood members divided the cash.

"So that's my share," Wanda said as she took half of the money. "How were you going to divide the rest?"

"Well, since nobody bet on Toad, we keep it for ourselves," Lance explained. He divided the remaining stack by two. "One for you, one for me."

"Thank you kindly," Fred said, counting the bills.

"Guys, ain't you forgettin' somethin'?"

"No," Lance said, pulling his money away so Todd couldn't touch it. "You got a victory out of it. Money can't buy that."

"That's it?! All that zen horseshit- no offense, poopsie- for nothin'?!"

"Well, okay." Wanda walked over to Todd, bent down slightly, and hugged him. "Don't take this the wrong way. All this means is that we're still friends and as your trainer, I'm proud of you."

"I'm still a little disappointed," Todd said.

"If you're holding out for a kiss, you're not getting one."

"A hug is still good."

"Since we've all had a good night and it's still early," Lance said to them, "What do you say we go get something to eat?"

"Can I come?" Paul asked.

"No." As Paul continued cleaning, the others walked out of the arcade into the Bayville night. Lance climbed into the jeep with Fred riding shotgun, but Todd and Wanda stopped when they looked at the backseat.

"Holy shit, Pietro?"

"GREG!" Pietro yelled. He was filthy and he had a bottle in his hands. "GREG YOU BASTARD! ...LLLLL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"

"What's he going on about?" Wanda asked.

"Oh. Greg Hudson, this guy we knew from shop, he's getting married to this really hot girl. I guess Pietro was after her, or something."

"...FUCKING DITCHED ME! HOW could you... DO THIS TO ME AAAAAAHA LOVED YOU!"

"You're drunk," Fred told him. "Maybe we better take him home."

"Yeah, okay," Lance said. "We'll take him home, but we're still going out. How often is it that we get some freedom from Pietro?" Immediately, Lance and Fred looked at each other. "On second thought, we should take him with us, I mean, he's drunk, who knows what he'll do if we're not watching him?"

"I dunno guys, I've seen him drunk," Todd said. "He's a mean drunk. You sure we gotta take him with us?"

"YES!" Lance yelled. "We keep Pietro with us and the five of us stay together. ALWAYS." As the Brotherhood drove off to celebrate Todd's victory, Pietro sat up and began screaming at Todd.

"CUZ THAT'S NOT... not... er... NOT HOW THINGS WORK!"

"...He's scarin' me..."

"There is only the car, Toad," Wanda said.

"Right, right... there is only th' car..."

"ONLY ONE CAR AND IT'S ME!"

"There is only th' car..."

"MY FOOT! IN YOUR PANTS! GREG YOU BASTARD! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

"There is only th' car..."

"TOAD... arggh... AARGH I THINK I LOVE YOU!"

"...There is... only... th' car..."

**The End**

**Yeah, so Pietro hardly appears in this one. Big whoop. The character Toad played as was Akuma (and yes, Super Hell Murder is the real name of the attack... you can't make this crap up). Arcade's characters were Dan and Ken, as stated. I am aware that the trademark shotokan attack is "HADOKEN," but Dan's lame. The weird game announcer's quotes come directly from Street Fighter Alpha 3. As for the crazy Magneto simulation... find that old X-Men arcade game, the one based on Pryde of the X-Men. I swear he says those things in that game. As for the onion rapper... you're on your own for that one.**

**Kick, punch, it's all in the mind...**


	40. Wanda Gets Schooled

**The disclaimer has been sent to a very stormy place to investigate the origin of a toxic dart... arrgh, I did that one already.**

**The disclaimer is stuck in Moonside. M oo nsi d e... argh. ARGH.**

**  
Fuck it. The disclaimer's not here and that's the way it is. This piece of uninspired filth speaks for itself. Have fun, you miserable animals. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Fred lumbered down the stairs in his tiny bathrobe, as he did every morning. Wanda's presence didn't change his weekday habit of going downstairs at noon wearing just boxers and a robe; he'd stopped trying to look decent for the opposite sex long before her arrival. As it was, she was the only other person awake, and she sat in the kitchen with an empty bowl and a glass of orange juice, which she seemed reluctant to drink.

"Good morning," Fred said politely, rubbing his belly as he opened the fridge.

"Mmmm," Wanda mumbled in reply. "We're out of milk"

"Oh." Fred had been looking exactly for that. "Uh..."

"It's either orange juice or water on your wheaties," Wanda groaned.

"Hm. Doesn't sound too bad. Hey, you gonna finish that orange juice?"

"Did I mention the orange juice expired three weeks ago?"

"Wow. That's freshness." Fred shook the carton of juice idly to gauge how much was left. "Stuff usually lasts us about two months before we gotta buy some more." Fred wolfed down the rest of the orange juice. Pietro was next, zooming into the kitchen and checking all the cupboards and cabinets.

"You're wasting your time, Pietro," Wanda muttered. Todd wandered in, wiping his eyes and scratching his head.

"What, did the graham crackers pass the eight-week mark?" Pietro asked.

"That's it!" Wanda slammed her glass down on the table and startling the three boys. "I can't take living here another day! You're the leader here, Pietro, how could you let this place get so run-down? Don't answer, I don't even want to hear your excuses."

"Well where are you gonna go? You want to just walk up to Old Man Xavier's and say 'hi, pops, I need a place to crash indefinitely, say, you don't mind, do you?'"

"Heh, yeah," Todd added, "'Sure thing, Wanda, but you gotta join my team and fight monsters and robots and all that crazy shit in my basement!'"

"'Oh, that's fine, I can handle those things,'" Pietro replied. "'I've got all my things here! So are there any free rooms?'"

"'Sure, how about you bunk with Jean or Amara? You're around her age, I'm sure you have a lot of things in common! Don't mind th' hidden cameras in th' bathroom! Say, I ain't got an X-uniform in your size, the best I can do is two sizes too small, I hope that's not a problem'..." Todd noticed that even Pietro was scowling. "A little too far? Right..."

"Anyway, the X-Mansion's out of the question," Pietro continued, "As a mutant, you'll have a hard time getting a job and finding a place that'll accept your rent money, so your only options are stay here, move in with Tabitha, go live with father and his stalker goons or go hang out with the Morlocks."

"Okay, you've made your point," Wanda snarled. "At least I should find something to do so I don't have to lounge around this sideshow all day."

"We used to have school to go to," Fred explained. "Mystique was our principal, so it wasn't too bad, but then... uh... we got that new guy. So we stopped going."

"We got expelled, too," Todd said.

"Yeah, man, that jerk expelled us. Not that I liked going to school or nothin'." Fred poured crumbs from an empty box of cookies into his mouth.

"School? You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Wanda Gets Schooled"**

**King of the Worthless**

Edward Kelly sat at his desk, looking over a few papers. He signed one and added it to a different pile. He set his pen down, wiped his forehead, and took a sip of his coffee. After a quick breather, Kelly looked back at his papers to find his pen floating about an inch above the desk.

"What in...?! This looks like the work of Ms. Grey..." Soon, paperclips inside a small plastic box began to float out and spin in a circle above the desk, followed by Kelly's car keys and other assorted loose change. Annoyed, he pressed a button on the intercom. "Dorothy, please call Jean Grey to my office."

"Actually, you have a visitor here," his secretary nervously told him. "A Ms. Maximoff?"

"A visitor? Maximoff? I know that name. Did they sign in? Tell them to sign in and wait for me to call them in."

"Actually, her guardian insists on seeing you right now."

"I don't care who she is, Dorothy, they have to sign in and wait like everyone else."

"He's very persuasive," Dorothy told him. Outside Kelly's office, Dorothy cowered under the counter with the intercom. The door opened itself and Magneto, dressed in a suit and tie with a black trenchcoat and hat entered the office, followed by Wanda Maximoff. The door slammed behind them and Wanda took a seat.

"Hey, you can't just come in-" Kelly was interrupted when his pen flew into the desk, sticking in at least an inch. "Uh... right. I'm Edward Kelly, the principal here..." Kelly nervously extended his hand. Magneto looked at it, but did nothing. "Yeah... and... don't I know you from someplace?"

"This is Wanda Maximoff," Magneto said. "She wishes to enroll."

"Oh. Maximoff... are you any relation to Pietro Maximoff?"

"Yes," Wanda said, looking at the floor. "He's my brother."

"Oh. Then you're..."

"A mutant," Magneto said. "Will this be a problem?"

"It just might," Kelly said with a look of concern. "This school has some mutant students and they have been known to cause trouble, so I-"

"So you will accept her, if you wish to leave this office alive." A string of paperclips wrapped themselves around Kelly's neck and tightened. Kelly nodded quickly and they loosened enough for him to breathe. "She is Wanda Maximoff. Well, right it down!"

"Ah, right." Kelly took the proper form and began filling it out.

"She is a sophomore," Magneto continued. "Her current residence is the Brotherhood of Bayville Boarding House."

"Hey, is a lot of this information the same as Pietro's?"

"Actually, yes." Kelly took Pietro's file from his filing cabinet and began transferring information. "The date of birth is the same as well."

"Right... is she transferring from another school in-state?"

"No, but we'll say she is."

"Birth certificate?"

"You have my word that it exists."

"Immunization records?"

"Yes," Wanda said with a hint of anger.

"Right. Uh... courses?"

"Give her the same academic courses Pietro took. She has chosen these electives." Magneto put a sheet of paper with a small list on Kelly's desk.

"Sorry, but I can't guarantee they'll be available, since this is mid-semester-URK-arghh... ghaaaa..." Magneto loosened the paperclip chain. "I'll see what I can do. Welcome to Bayville High, Wanda." Kelly shook Wanda's hand and the paperclips returned to their box. As Wanda headed for the door, Kelly looked at her with contempt.

"One more thing," Magneto said as he held the door for his daughter, "Just because her father won't be around doesn't mean you can push her around." Wanda turned back and hexed the filing cabinet, forcing it to spray out several files. She and her father left the room with a flustered Kelly.

"Dorothy," he said into the intercom, "I have a few files for you to organize."

--------------------

"Yo, sweetums," Todd said as Wanda turned into the adjacent hallway. He was there with Pietro, Lance and Fred. "Didn't think we'd miss out on your first day, didya?"

"What are you goons doing here?"

"We're just here to help you ease in, sis," Pietro said, putting his arm around her. "Back when we still came here, we ruled the school, and we're going to guide you through your first day to make sure everything goes by smoothly."

"I can't say I don't appreciate the effort, guys, but come on, it's just school. I think I can handle it."

"Are you kidding?" Fred asked. "This isn't just school, this is a madhouse! The jocks tease you, the teachers harrass you, the only kids who don't think they're better than you are the nerds!"

"Nice match last night, Toad," Arcade said, walking by with a hall pass, referring to a match at the arcade the night prior. "Who taught you to fight, your grandma?"

"Uh..." Fred scratched his head. "Well, uh... oh! Lunch!"

"Hang on a second," Lance said, stopping his large companion, "Where's your first class?"

"Room... 205," Wanda read from her schedule.

"Oh! I know where that is!" Todd said. "Follow me."

--------------------

"What in...?" Kurt watched as Wanda entered his history class, followed by Toad. Lance stuck his head in and waved at Kitty. The Teacher, who will remain nameless because I can't think of a good name... okay. Let's call him Mr. Sinist... no, no, let's call him Mr. Scotch. Anyway, Mr. Scotch, so named because of the bottle kept under his desk, took Wanda's schedule and looked over it carefully.

"Ah. Class, I'd like you to welcome Wanda Maximoff, an exchange student from... uh. Kelly left this blank again. Oh well. Wanda, take a seat please, any will be fine." Wanda shrugged and took a seat in the back corner. Todd followed her, pushing some kid out of his seat and taking it for himself. "Mr. Tolensky, I thought you were expelled."

"I'm helpin' Ms. Maximoff out as part of my community service," Todd grinned insincerely.

"Oh. Well, why is Mr. Alvers here, talking with Ms Pryde?"

"Huh?" Lance looked up, sitting in the back of the room next to Kitty and behind Kurt. "Because I feel like it. Wanna make something of it?"

"No, that's fine... uh... now then." Mr. Scotch looked down at his textbook. "Ah, yes. At Normandy, German forces drove out the Alliance of Evil and the Axis Powers scored another victory. By the end of the war, Germany controlled most of the Northern Hemisphere and the Fuhrer left Africa and South America to Italy and most of Asia and several outlying Polynesian Islands to Japan. To this day, the Nazi Empire controls most of the world, but the American government doesn't want you to know about it!"

"So... how does this class work?" Wanda asked.

"Well, we sit here for about an hour and listen to this guy."

"Please take notes, Ms. Maximoff," Mr. Scotch said.

"Oh, right." Wanda took a notebook and a pencil, but Todd quickly swiped it. "Hey, what are you-"

"Allow me to assist you with these tedious notes."

"I know how to take notes, Toad. If I'm going to be in school I have to do my own work." Todd shrugged and handed her notes back to her. He took a bag of chips from an open bookbag and began digging in with his tongue.

"WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY AT WAR WITH ITSELF, THE ELITE CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT THE IMPOVERISHED, THE HEIRARCHY MUST BE MAINTAINED AT ALL COSTS! MINORITIES MUST BE KEPT DOWN TO ALLOW THE MASTER RACE TO RISE! DEMOCRACY IS A LIE! THE UNITED STATES IS BUILT ON FASCISM! DOWN WITH DEMOCRACY! DOWN WITH SOCIALISM! THE ECONOMY DEPENDS ON THE LABORS OF INDENTURED SERVITUDE! HEIL HITLER! GLORY TO THE ELITE CLASS! GLORY TO THE THIRD REICH!" Mr. Scotch noticed Principal Kelly standing at the door. "...And that is what a modern radical might sound like." Kelly walked out a moment before the bell rang and the students got up. "Remember to honor your flag and nation! For the glory of the fatherland!"

"Well that wasn't so bad," Wanda said to Todd and Lance as they left. "I don't see what you dorks were whining about. What's next here?"

"...Algebra."

"You guys go on ahead," Lance said. Kitty waved to him from further down the hell. Hall. I meant hall. "Hey Kitty, wait up!"

"Has she always had such a tight leash around him?" Wanda asked. Todd nodded sadly.

--------------------

Wanda was forced to sit in the front row of her algebra class. Arcade sat to her left and Lance to her right; Todd had been detained outside, so he waited with Fred and Pietro.

"Okay, there's only one way to get through this class," Lance explained. He stretched his arms, crossed them on the table, and set his head down. "Wake me when it's time to go."

"Some help you are."

"Hey, I didn't know you were taking this course," Arcade said with a smile. "I've seen you with Toad and those guys, but I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Webber, but everyone calls me Arcade."

"Uh, nice to meet you," Wanda said, lazily shaking his hand.

"If Mr. Alvers were my student, I would slap him until he woke up," the teacher, Mrs. Romero said from her desk.

"She's pretty laid back," Arcade explained.

"Anyway," Mrs. Romero went to the dry-erase board and began to write out several numbers. Wanda groaned. "Is something wrong, Wanda?"

"I hate numbers."

"How could you hate numbers?!" Arcade asked in shock. "If it weren't for numbers, we would've have math, banks wouldn't work, basic computer programs would fail, governments would collapse, humanity as we know-"

"Actually, I think I'll be better prepared tomorrow," Wanda said, getting her bookbag and heading for the door.

"Right... you have to be in the right state of mind for compound integers," Mrs. Romero said. "What about your friend?" Lance remained sleeping on his desk.

"Wake him when it's time to go."

--------------------

"We've got a whole hour before English," Pietro said to Wanda. They had left Todd to dig through a trash can in the hallway and Fred remained with him to see if he found anything cool. "That means we get some free time to kill. So, what do you want to do?"

"What did you guys usually do when you skipped class?"

"Lance and I would usually vandalize cars. Sometimes Toad came with us, but usually he just hung out, or tagged the walls, or something. Blob... he just sat outside. And ate."

"Hey," Bobby Drake said, pushing a cart with a television set on it. "Kurt told me you were here. So... how's school?"

"Disappointing," Wanda muttered and continued walking. Pietro shrugged at Bobby and followed her.

"Hmm. Better keep an eye on them..."

--------------------

Pietro sat with Wanda in her English class, which also included Kurt and Kitty.

"So, how is your first day at school?" Kitty asked.

"Would you people stop asking that?!"

"Ouch, fine." Kitty rolled her eyes and faced the front of the room. "I swear, that girl can be such a..."

"Welcome, class," Ms. Vasquez, a young woman, addressed the room. "Do you have your writing assignments?"

"I do!" Kurt declared, handing his essay to Ms. Vasquez. She looked over it.

"Kurt, this didn't work last year, it's not going to work this year." The subject was "What did I do last summer?" and Kurt had only written "Blue." Ms. Vasquez went around collecting everyone else's essays.

"Sorry, I'm new," Wanda explained.

"Oh, that's fine. We're starting a new unit today on Shakespeare."

"NO!" Pietro yelled. "I'm not doing this bullshit again! Love to stay, Wanda, but... uh... I've got non-Shakespeare stuff to do." Pietro dashed out of the room.

"Some brother." Wanda took her textbook, as Ms. Vasquez ordered, and turned to a passage from Hamlet.

"This is the famous soliloquy from Hamlet, where Prince Hamlet reflects on his life. Can anyone tell me what Hamlet is contemplating in this famous scene?"

"Suicide?" Wanda suggested absent-mindedly.

"That's correct! You seem to know your Shakespeare, Wanda. Are you a fan?"

"Not really."

"...How could you not like Shakespeare?"

"Well, I don't hate him, but I don't really-"

"HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE SHAKESPEARE?!" Ms. Vasquez took off her glasses and slammed her hands on Wanda's desk. "WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!"

"She's doing it again," Kurt moaned. "Listen, Wanda, we've got a routine for getting out of zis."

"Yeah, yeah, get me out of here!" Kurt took Wanda and Kitty's hands and teleported out. The rest of the class began rushing out of the room as Ms. Vasquez continued her maddened rant.

"...BOUND AND FLOGGED! A DAGGER THROUGH YOUR THROAT, THAT'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU!" She grabbed one student, a nerdy kid who once got yelled at by Lance and later tried to befriend Evan. We'll call him Doug. Anyway, she grabbed Doug by the back of the shirt and threw him against her own desk. She took a small oven lighter from a drawer.

"That was close," Kitty said. "She goes into those rants if you tell her you don't like Shakespeare, or Frost, or Dickens. Anyway, it'll be a while before she calms down." From inside the classroom, they heard screaming.

"SAY IT!" Ms. Vasquez demanded.

"AAAAAAAH!"

"SAY IT! SAY IT!"

"I LOVE THE BARD! I LOVE THE BARD!"

"YOU LOVE SHAKESPEARE! YOU FUCKING LOVE HIM!"

"I FUCKING LOVE SHAKESPEARE! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

"YOU LOVE FUCKING SHAKESPEARE! SAY IT!"

"Yeah, thanks," Wanda said reluctantly. "Hmm. I have lunch next."

"So do we!" Kurt said. "Whenever Ms. Vasquez goes nuts on us, we go to lunch early. How, how about sitting with us today?"

"Actually, I sort of agreed to sit with someone already..."

"Ze Brozerhood?"

"Wait, say that again?"

"Brozerhood... it doesn't sound zat stupid!"

"It kinda does," Kitty admitted. "Well, you get to see them every day, how often do we get to hang out? I mean, we're on different teams and all, but it's not like we hate you."

"Well, it's not so much the guys specifically, one of them said he'd guide me through lunch. He was sort of looking forward to it."

"...Oh." Kurt and Kity immediately understood the situation. "Well... I guess we'll talk later, or something. Bye, Wanda!"

--------------------

"Now here's where the magic happens," Fred announced enthusiastically, holding the door to the cafeteria open for Wanda, Lance and Todd. Once inside, Fred took a tray and handed another to Wanda. "You just slide your tray this way and these lovely ladies will serve you. Hi, Linda!"

"Oh, hello, Freddy!" Linda the lunchlady smiled. "I hadn't seen you in a while, I was afraid you'd left me!"

"I've just been on an extended vacation. You know I could never leave you!"

"The usual, then?"

"Actually, I'm showing Wanda around."

"Oh! You have a ladyfriend!" Linda smiled again. "I told you she'd come if you waited long enough! Now don't you let a good man like Freddy out of your sight, young lady, you won't find another one like him."

"It's not like that, we're just friends. It's her first day, so me and the boys are showing her the ropes."

"Can we move on?" Wanda muttered, covering her face in shame.

"What can I serve you?" Linda asked.

"What's that stuff?" Wanda asked, pointing to a stack of round, gray things.

"Those are the burger patties," Fred explained. "They serve them with buns, of course, and they got these side trays of veggies so you can just add whatever you want. Right here, we have pizza." The pizza looked a bit undercooked. "Just pepperoni today. Over here, soup, two kinds: chicken noodle and mushroom cream. Then they got these sealed salads, but I never bother with those. Linda, you got any spaghetti today?"

"Sorry, Freddy, none today."

"I guess I'll have a burger and some mushroom soup," Wanda said. Linda served the gray burger, though the soup didn't look too bad. As for Fred... he had a whole mess of crap on his tray. "I can't say I'm surprised, but did you bring enough for all that?"

"Not to worry, I got it covered. Oh, drinks! Now, you've got your half-pint of milk," Fred took one for his tray. "They come in whole, two-percent, and chocolate, which is just whole with chocolate added." Fred added more milk to his tray. "They also have orange juice and ice tea." Fred did not take either. "Or you could get a soda from the machines."

"Iced tea will be fine." Wanda took a cup full of ice and filled it with tea. They slid their trays to the end of the line, where an older, crankier lunchlady waited at a cash register.

"Oh. You're back," she droned.

"Yeah, yeah. Here's my student ID." The lady took Fred's ID and swiped it. "What's the damage?"

"Eleven fifty-four."

"Wha?! I'm on reduced lunch, since I'm poor!"

"That expired when you were expelled."

"Argh!" Fred took the cash register and threw it against the wall behind the counter. "Put that on my tab!" Wanda shrugged and followed Fred to a table where Lance and Todd waited. Immediately, Fred began digging into his meal.

"Yeah, just inhale that..."

"You know, it feels kinda nice being back here," Lance said, taking a sip of his soda. "What did we used to do during lunch again?"

"Mope and whine, mostly," Todd replied, biting into a Twix.

"You're right, this sucks. I fucking hate school."

"Ugh." Wanda took a huge gulp of her tea after biting into the burger. "Fred, how can you eat this stuff?"

"It's cheap food, man, it's a bargain!" Fred inhaled another slice of pizza. "Growing boy like me needs a good meal."

"I can't finish this slop." Wanda pushed her tray forward. Fred added her food to his own tray. "So far, this day's been lame. A Neo-Nazi history teacher, a complete sadist of an English teacher... I guess the math teacher was cool, but math sucks. Don't you people have anything resembling normal here?"

"There's about ten mutants in th' room right now," Todd said. "Ain't been no normal around here for a long time."

"HI GUYS!" Bobby Drake yelled.

"FUCK NO!" Lance punched him as he moved to sit down. Bobby didn't get back up. "I'm getting so sick of that punk."

"What's next?" Todd took Wanda's schedule. "Uh... whoa. Yeah, I volunteer to guide you through this next class, babycakes."

"Yeah, I'm so jealous," Lance grumbled, until Todd showed him the schedule. "Uh, yeah, I think I should assist Toad with the guiding thing."

"Lemme see that," Fred asked. A big grin spread across his face.

"FORGET IT!" Wanda yelled. "You are NOT following me to gym class!"

"Aw, c'mon, you know I'm not a pervert like Toad and Fred," Lance said.

"NO. That's final." The bell rang and Wanda gathered her bookbag. "I better not catch you perverts following me." As the students began to shuffle out of the cafeteria for their next class, Fred was finishing up the mushroom soup. Lance and Todd, still sitting with him, exchanged glances.

"We are so going," Lance said. Todd grinned and Fred nodded enthusiastically

--------------------

Wanda looked over her shoulder one more time before entering the girl's locker room. Once she was inside, Todd hopped out of hiding in a tree.

"Coast is clear, yo."

"Alright, how are we gonna do this?" Lance asked, coming out of hiding behind a trash bin. Fred pushed up the lid from inside the bin and peered out. "Toad and I can probably make it in without looking too obvious, but I think you'll have to sit this one out."

"Awww... well, I can still wait in the gym. The girls'll be doing warmups..." Fred jumped out of the bin and walked off. Inside, Wanda found that, yet again, Kitty was her classmate.

"It's pretty simple," Kitty explained. "We've got lockers here. The one next to mine is free, so you can have that one. We have to change into gym uniforms first of all... here, I have a spare set!"

"You have spare gym clothes." It wasn't a question, but a sardonic statement. Kitty handed her the clothes. "So, where do I change?"

"Right here." Kitty had already taken her shirt off and Wanda swore she heard someone.

"Right here?"

"Yeah. Come on, there's nothing wrong with it, there's no guys in here." Kitty stood at her locker with only her bra and panties on. Wanda heard a sigh.

"I get the feeling someone is watching us." Wanda looked around, but saw nothing of note. Just several teenage girls dressing and undressing without inhibition, smooth, delicate skin, toned muscles and curvy figures...

Ahem. Excuse me.

"I understand, we all feel like that the first time we're in here." Kitty pulled up her gym pants. "Trust me, there's nobody in here."

"Well... okay..." Wanda took another look around to make sure nobody was watching her and began to unbutton her top. She had only unfastened one button before she turned around and fired a hex bolt at a laundry cart. The cart jumped up and spun around quickly, spilling its contents before falling back down. Among the littered clothing were two teenage boys, looking up sheepishly.

"Heh, uh... we got lost," Todd said. Wanda and Kitty looked down at Todd and Lance with deep scowls.

"Yeah, uh, this isn't the science lab?"

"Wait, there's someone else under there. Probably that loser brother of yours." Kitty pulled some shirts off a pile of clothes to reveal...

"Hello, cherie," Gambit said with his trademark grin.

"Huh?! Did you know he was in there?" Lance asked Todd, who shook his head.

"Well, it's been fun, but I gotta get going," Gambit said, dusting himself off. As he walked away, he turned his head back to them and said, "Tomorrow, I find me a new peeping spot."

"We are going to have a long talk about this," Kitty told Lance as he stood up and she phased him through the wall. Wanda didn't bother saying anything to Todd and just hexed him into a locker and shut it.

"I'll let him figure a way out of there." She turned back and saw the other girls in various states of shock, confusion and anger. "Well I got rid of them, what are all of you still staring at?"

"I'll give you a hint, Wanda, only one person in this room can hex like that. Mutants aren't very popular here."

"I'm crushed," Wanda said.

--------------------

"Okay ladies, four laps, let's go!" Coach Topolos, a heavyset woman, yelled to her students. Kitty and Wanda, who now wore gym clothes that fit rather tightly, considering Kitty was smaller than her, ran to the field. Lance, Fred and Todd, having been freed by Fred, sat on the bleachers.

"Move over, ladies," Pietro announced, approaching Wanda and Kitty and running backwards to face them. "I'm gonna make short work of this track. Hope you brought dust masks!" Pietro stormed around the track several times, pushing other students who stood in his way. Kitty continued running as instructed, but Wanda stopped and rubbed her forehead.

"This is beginning to annoy me." With a blue flash, Wanda caused Pietro to trip and roll along the ground until he hit the goal post between the track. As he rubbed his head, Wanda approached him. "Listen to me, Pietro, I am trying to have a NORMAL day at school. If you're just going to tag along to cause trouble and embarrass me, then go tell the others to follow you back home."

"C'mon, it's just a little harmless fun..." Pietro saw that most of the students were staring at the siblings. "Right, the mutant thing. Oh, alright, but if any of these thugs come after you in a witch-hunt, don't expect me to help."

"I think I'll be just fine." Wanda went back to the track, where Kitty waited.

"Well, she wants us to scram," Pietro said, sitting next to the rest of the Brotherhood. "I'm getting kinda bored of hanging around school again anyway."

"Aw, we can't just leave her to fend for herself!" Todd protested. "My crimson cutie needs me!" Todd hopped, but Fred caught him and sat him back down. "Hey, let go! You don't understand!"

"Cool it, Toad," Lance said. "Maybe she's got a point. C'mon, we'll go break some windshields..."

"No, let go! You don't understa-"

"Toad, shut up, will you?"

"BABYCAKES NO!"

"Dammit, Toad, do you want me to break your legs again?!" Lance looked up and saw that Todd wasn't just being a little dick. Wanda had to hex off several other students as they all tried to get her. "What the hell? We leave her alone for two minutes and now she's got a mob on her." Lance sighed. "C'mon, let's see what we can do."

"BACK OFF!" Wanda yelled.

"We don't want you here!" a boy yelled. "Go back to the sewers with the other freaks!"

"Hey, calm down guys," Kitty said. "She just-"

"AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, TOO!" A girl yelled, pushing her towards Wanda. "WE'RE NOT AFRAID OF YOU!"

"Settle down, settle down!" Coach Topolos stepped through the crowd. "Back to your exercises, or I'll have you running laps until sunset, MOVE!" The crowd dispersed, grumbling and muttering slurs. "Pryde, Maximoff, don't let them get to you. Hit the showers."

"Oh no..." Wanda mumbled. Before the crowd could properly clear out, they were attacked by Fred, who grabbed a boy and threw him at the ground. Todd jumped over him and stomped on the shoulders of another boy before spitting his slime at a girl's face. Pietro ran around the perimeter of the crowd, knocking people on their backs before they could figure out what happened. Lance created a ditch in the center of the field and Fred and Pietro began pushing people into it.

"HEY! HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Coach Topolos blew her whistle. "YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER THERE AND AACK!" She began wiping her face as the slime she was hit with began to harden. "YOU... AAARGH!"

"X-Men, move out!" Cyclops ordered as he approached the field with Jean, Beast and Wolverine.

"Wait, stop!" Kitty said. "They don't know what they're doing!"

"Yeah, they never do. Jean, get Quicksilver. Beast can handle Blob and Wolverine can get Toad. Avalanche is mine."

"I think we're a little mismatched," Wolverine said.

"Okay, you can do Blob and Beast can do Toad."

"Are you sure? I might snap him in half," Beast said.

"Okay, both of you take Blob and we'll just ignore Toad."

"We can't just ignore him, he's hurting people!" Jean said.

"Okay, I've got Lance, Jean has Toad, Wolverine has Quicksilver, Beast has Blob."

"What about the witch?" Wolverine asked.

"Right, I forgot. Okay. Jean has Wanda, I've got Lance, you've got Blob, Beast has Toad and Quicksilver."

"How come I get two?"

"Well forget it, they've already beaten everyone up," Wolverine said. The other students were on the ground, in the ditch, or covered in slime. "Forget it. I'm not suited to these chumps. Call me when Sabretooth or a Sentinel is on a rampage." Cyclops shrugged and blasted Lance. Beast jumped on Fred's back and tried to wrestle him to the ground. Jean caught Quicksilver and lifted him off the ground.

"Kitty, could you give us a hand and get Toad?" Cyclops asked. Kitty shrugged and punched Todd in the face.

"Owww..."

"Who invited you?!" Lance brought the ground beneath Cyclops up around him in an attempt to cage him in, but he blasted out. Fred grabbed Beast and threw him against the goal post. Pietro began to spun around quickly to break out of Jean's telekinetic hold.

"STOP IT!" Wanda yelled. Cyclops's visor fell off, Fred fell on his back, Pietro fell to the ground, Jean was lifted upwards by her own power, the goal post wrapped around Beast and Lance's powers caused the ground beneath him to cave in and bury him. Kitty and Todd were unaffected. "I can't take this anymore! Between you clods trying to 'help' me and you goodie-goodies trying to stop them, this has to be the worst day this school has ever had!"

"Actually, there's been wor-" Todd was put in his place by Wanda's intense glare. "Heh... right."

"All I want is a day at school without one of the teams trying to break something! Is that so much to ask?!"

"Perhaps it is," Principal Kelly said, walking up to the field. "Look at this mess! It'll take weeks to repair the track field and another goal post will set us back who knows how many dollars! Ms. Maximoff, I want to see you in my office immediat-" Kelly's tie wrapped around his neck and tightened. "Ah... ugh... just like your old man..."

"Forget it! I'm done with school!" Wanda released her hexes and looked down at the ground sadly. "I just wanted to see what it was like. The guys were right, it's a waste of time." As she walked off the field, the others exchanged guilty looks. Jean gave Cyclops his visor and Fred helped Beast out of the goal post cave while Kitty helped Lance by phasing him out of his dirt trap.

"You know, maybe we should've just stayed at home today," Pietro said.

"Gee, you think?!" Lance yelled.

--------------------

As Kelly filled out more forms in his office, his door suddenly opened. It was early evening and his secretary had already left; in fact, Kelly was one of the few people remaining.

"Who is... you!" Magneto entered the office wearing his battle armor, followed by Wanda. As Magneto approached the desk, Wanda closed the door behind her and stood in front of it, at attention. Now that Magneto wore his armor, Kelly's eyes widened. "I knew I recognized you!"

"Silence. You are signing a form to expel my daughter. I can't allow that."

"I can't stress enough how irresponsible Wanda and her friends have been. I expect you to pay for the damages caused to school property."

"I will pay nothing," Magneto said. "Your students caused a disturbance. Wanda and her friends had no choice but to defend themselves."

"I don't care who you are or how powerful you are or whatever measures you mutants go by, but Wanda provoked my students and they had every right to be angry at her for her callous use of her mutant powers, and as her father, I think you should accept some responsibility."

"I have more important things to worry about than how well-adjusted my daughter is, your narrow mind couldn't possibly begin to understand my mission." Kelly eyed Wanda, wondering why she was fine with everything Magneto was saying. "Regardless of her importance, as her father I must ensure her happiness, both for her sake and mine. Maybe it's pointless for me to explain this. You won't remember any of it."

"Wha?!" Wanda's image disappeared to reveal an ugly, black-haired man in a ratty coat. "What is this?!"

"This is Mastermind. Your mind is his playground." Mastermind approached Kelly with a devious smile on his hideous face. "But don't worry. I won't let him alter your mind... too much."

--------------------

Back at the Brotherhood House, Wanda (the real Wanda) woke up after taking a long nap after school. It was dark outside, but with no real rules in the Brotherhood House, so Wanda didn't have a real bedtime, especially since she didn't intend to go to school the following day.

"GET BACK IN THERE!" Pietro yelled at the bathroom door. "No excuses! You're not getting out of this!"

"I took a shower last week! This ain't fair, yo!" Todd pleaded from inside.

"You get in that shower you little slimeball! YOU'RE NOT COMING OUT UNTIL YOU'RE ZESTFULLY CLEAN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! Oh, hey Wanda," Pietro said carefully. "Uh... good nap?"

"Yeah," Wanda said, rubbing her eyes. She continued down the stairs to the living room, where Lance and Fred were watching some movie. They noticed Wanda and their smiles quickly vanished.

"Uh, hi," Fred said nervously.

"What time is it?" Wanda asked.

"Nine o clock," Pietro said, entering the room. Todd followed him, having broken out of the shower. "I'll deal with you later, wartboy. Listen, Wanda, I'm really sorry about today. We were just trying to help you out."

"And got carried away," she muttered.

"Well yeah, but you can't really blame us. We were a bunch of punks at Bayville, I guess being back there brought out the delinquents in us."

"Guys, I appreciate your help, but really, I can take care of myself. Have a little more faith in me."

"Well, you're the only girl around here," Lance said. "I guess we tried to help you out since we're all guys and you're like a sister to us. A frightening sister, but you know, you can't pick your family. Either way, we all watch out for each other around here."

"Except for Pietro," Fred added.

"Yeah, we don't watch out for him. He's an ass."

"I'm in the room, you know," Pietro remarked.

"Yo, we gotta hang tight, we're all we got." Todd hugged Wanda. She took a little longer before pushing him off.

"Okay, look, this conversation is getting too touchy-feely," Lance complained. "We're watching Zombie Cowboys 2, you guys wanna stick around or what?" And so, Pietro quickly made some popcorn and the gang all sat down.

Wanda looked around. Sure, they weren't the smartest group in the world, or the best looking, or the cleanest, or the most mature, or the most successful.

They were clods, but they were her clods.

"AH! ZOMBIE!" Todd screamed, clutching Wanda.

"Toad, you have two seconds to get your hands off my chest before I tear them off."

**The End**

**Touchy-feely indeed.**


	41. DeElections

**The disclaimer, for old times' sake, has decided to make an appearance.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution, or any other part of X-Men. I am not in any way affiliated with Marvel, and I am in no way profiting from this.**

**And formatting issues are still a problem. How is it that doesn't seem to detect indentation in any document I upload?**

**Now then... it's been almost four years since I last updated this. I've decided to officially retire Perpetually Screwed (as opposed to just letting it rot... which admittedly is what I was doing) with one last story. Since there's only a very loose continuity among the various chapters here, this hardly counts as an actual ending. It's not even one of the better stories, but I thought it'd be nice to bring things full-circle. So, here it is. The last one. Enjoy.**

**Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

And so, the heroes of the world united to face the unstoppable threat of the mighty Apocalypse. Using their combined strength, skill, and courage, they defeated Apocalypse and his four vile horsemen, saving the world from a catastrophic act of genocide. Within days, the media that had once demonized them now regarded them as heroes (except Fox News, who just presented conspiracy theories as solid facts), and for the mutants who had only just entered adulthood, life had certainly sweetened.

...Except for the Brotherhood.

"We are joined now by Scott Summers, one of the leaders of this effort," a cable news anchor said as Scott appeared on-screen via satellite. "Mr. Summers, thank you so much for being here, and a great thanks for all of your efforts."

"Please, call me Scott," Scott said, smiling. The lights made his teeth unusually shiny.

"Tell us, Scott, how did this all happen?"

"Well," Scott began, rubbing his chin, "Initially, Professor Xavier and Storm had gone alone to try to talk to Apocalypse. Unfortunately, things didn't go smoothly, and for a while we thought they had been killed. In response, SHIELD sent giant killer robots after Apocalypse, but that only helped to remove the domes." Scott had no problem mentioning SHIELD. They had been forced to go public after the Apocalypse Crisis, due to their greatly visible involvement (and their own inability to cover up the crisis itself). Actually, that's not entirely true- SHIELD had begun to wipe out evidence of their involvement in order to maintain their secrecy, but agents were sent the wrong memo. Then the correct memo went missing. Then several hard-drives' worth of e-mails vanished from SHIELD computers. Then one of the secretaries claimed he did not recall anything, about anything. In the end, the Director of SHIELD held a press conference to announced that SHIELD did not exist... except he held it at SHIELD headquarters, in front of a podium with the SHIELD logo, while wearing a uniform with SHIELD patches on his shoulders and drinking from a SHIELD mug. SHIELD had no choice but to go public and claim they were a new organization that had been forced to reveal itself early during the Apocalypse Crisis. A new Director was appointed, and the old one suddenly retired. Rumor has it he's buried in a football field somewhere.

But I ramble.

"Once that was done, we sent in our teams to destroy the pyramids," Scott continued. "One of our teammates, who wants to remain anonymous, entered the Sphinx and found a way to deactivate Apocalypse's power."

"It seems the X-Men have come a long way," the anchor said. "How did you manage to cover so much ground?"

"Well, it wasn't just the X-Men," Scott admitted. "We had the X-Men there, our second generation was there... we had help from some friends, and to preserve their anonymity, I'm just going to use code-names. But thanks to Boom-Boom, Colossus, Angel, and especially Havok."

"What the fuck?!" Lance yelled, throwing the remote control on the ground and promptly breaking it. Seated on the couch, Pietro grimaced. Fred sat in a chair, eating a sandwich, and Toad was perched on the coffee table. "He didn't even mention us!"

"Why are you even surprised?" Pietro asked. "It's not like we'd ever get credit. This is just so typical of those dweebs. What did Angel even do?" Todd looked down at the broken remote, picking it up and inspecting it.

"Got his butt kicked," Fred suggested.

"You know what? We need to start a campaign to change the public's perception about this," Pietro mused, scratching his chin. "Here's what we'll-"

"No way," Lance protested. "Last time we followed one of your schemes, we ended up in even deeper shit." As the phone rang, Todd jumped over to pick it up, but Pietro knocked him out of the way and took the receiver.

"Brotherhood residence," Pietro answered. "Hmm? Oh, fine. It's for you."

"What?" Lance asked as Pietro handed him the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, Lance, this is Dorothy Robertson," the Bayville High Principal's Secretary greeted. "I'm calling in regards to your student council position."

"Student council?" Lance scratched his head. "I don't remember being... wait... wait, yeah, I was president for like a month. Or something."

"Actually, we were looking over our records, and it turns out your resignation never went through. We'd like you to be there for the next meeting."

"Damn it..."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"De-Elections"**

**King of the Worthless**

"The latest poll numbers are in," Susan the campaign manager said to Edward Kelly, who was busy looking over the previous set of poll numbers at his campaign headquarters in downtown Bayville. She handed Kelly the new numbers, which he glanced at and scowled.

"They're exactly the same as the old ones," Kelly complained.

"Yes, but we printed these on glossy paper."

"I do like glossy paper..." Kelly rubbed his chin. "Hmm. I seem to be losing the Evangelical vote."

"...Mutants are the demon spawn of Satan!" a nameless aide suggested.

"Get the word out," Kelly nodded. "But I've got another problem. Mayor Richardson keeps saying that I'm running entirely on an anti-mutant platform. How am I doing on the other issues?"

"According to the latest poll numbers..."

"Bah, they're the same as the last ones!" Kelly shouted. "No matter. Mutants are a hot issue, and I'll keep pressing it. With all the mutant activity inexplicably concentrated in Bayville, I'll have the entire nation watching me. I'll need to make sure I hate all the right marks. How much money have we raised?"

"According to the latest poll numb-"

"Stop that!" Kelly shouted again. "How much money have we raised?"

"We have a donation of ten thousand dollars from the Brotherhood of Bayville," Susan revealed.

"...Those mutant delinquents?!" Kelly asked in shock. "Why? Where did they get that kind of money?"

"It's from the Mason lodge," Susan corrected.

"The Freemasons are accepting mutants now?"

"No, this donation was from the _Masonic_ Brotherhood of Bayville. Not the boarding house. They have nothing to do with mutants."

"That's good, I guess," Kelly said. "Now, let's hope we don't get any bad news from Bayville High until election day."

"Actually, if you're running for mayor," Susan began, "Who's in charge of Bayville High?"

Kelly froze. In his rush to become the next mayor, he had completely ignored his day job, and hadn't left a replacement. Quickly, he dashed out of the building.

--------------------

Lance honestly had nothing better to do with his time. So, he showed up to the next student council meeting.

Once again, it was held in the library after school. The head seat had been reserved for Lance. To his right sat the current vice president, Amanda Sefton, and counter-clockwise, Dumb Jock, Miss Popular, some other people, and directly to Lance's left... Bobby Drake.

"Hey, buddy!" Bobby grinned.

"Die already," Lance muttered.

"First of all, let's welcome back the president of the student council," Amanda said, eliciting modest applause.

"I'm just here to figure out why my resignation didn't go through. Even if I hadn't resigned, I was expelled," Lance said. "So, how am I still president?"

"There's a loophole, dude!" Bobby said excitedly, apparently ignoring the fact that Lance didn't want the job. "You didn't fill out any paperwork, and according to school rules, we can't choose a new head honcho until he either resigns with the correct paperwork or passes to the next grade, which in your case would've been graduation. They never accounted for a president getting expelled."

"We checked with the teacher's union, and they told us it was okay," Amanda said. "Then they told us to bug off. Only more profanely."

"Why'd you guys wait until now to tell me?" Lance asked.

"Scott as acting president for the remainder of last year," Amanda explained. "But we didn't discover the loophole until the beginning of this school year, when we started the election process. Brad ran for president, but he couldn't get elected because we still technically had one."

"And I would've won, too!" Dumb Jock yelled.

"Alright, first order of business," Lance began, "Someone bring me the form I have to fill out to resign."

"Alvers..." Principal Kelly whispered weakly, bursting into the library and collapsing. He struggled to catch his breath, and after a minute, he stood up, wheezing slightly. He cleared his throat, and finally screamed, "Alvers!"

"Is something wrong, Principal Kelly?" Amanda asked.

"I... just ran... ten blocks..." Kelly motioned for the library attendant to hand him a paper cup filled with water. Once he was refreshed, he angrily pointed his finger at Lance. "AAAALVEEERS! What are you still doing here?! I expelled you for your shenanigans!"

"What are you still doing here?" Lance asked. "Aren't you running for mayor?"

"I never resigned, so I'm still principal."

"Hmm, we all just thought the new principal was quiet and didn't like to leave his office," Bobby mused.

"Well, it's not like I want to be here," Lance protested. "I'm trying to resign from this mess. There's some loophole that's keeping me here."

"It's in the student council charter," Amanda said, handing a stack of stapled pages to Kelly. He flipped through it, reading the appropriate pages. He grimaced, then turned a page. Suddenly, his eyes widened. A slight smile appeared on his face.

"As it turns out, you're still expelled from attending school," Kelly explained. "Except for events relating to student council. But there's another thing here, Alvers. If a student council member stays on for the following year, he or she can't resign. They have to participate in a recall election, wherein they may only leave when a new president is elected."

"Okay, how about I just stop attending meetings and forget about this whole thing?"

"If you do that, we can take your car as collateral until you comply."

"What the fuck?!" Lance exclaimed. "Who wrote this charter?"

"We don't discuss the dark origins of Bayville High," Kelly said solemnly. "Oh, it also says here the council president is supposed to pay a monthly tribute of six barrels of barley to the principal."

--------------------

"I hate this show, change the channel," Pietro demanded. From the couch, Fred tried with the remote, but it wouldn't respond. He turned to Pietro and shrugged. "Fantastic, Lance broke our remote."

"Well, can't you just run to the TV and change it?" Fred suggested, scratching his head. "You could probably do it in the blink of an eye."

"I've got a better idea. Toad!" Todd hopping into the room, some bread crumbs dotting his chin. He wiped them off and jumped onto the back of the couch. "Toad, change the channel, would you?"

"Uh... okay." Todd flicked his tongue at the television set, but succeeded only in hitting the screen, leaving a small dot of slime on it. He tried again and hit the volume knob. A third attempt led to some more slime being smeared on the screen. Finally, on the fourth try, he changed the channel. There was an ad for an exercise, showing muscular men with oily chests flexing and stretching. "How's that?"

"This sucks, too," Fred complained. "Change it again."

"No, Toad will just leave more slime on the screen," Pietro said. He was noticeably biting his lower lip as he stared at the screen. Lance threw the door open and wandered into the living room, turning off the television. "Hey, we were-"

"Guys, we've got a problem," Lance announced. "Remember when I got elected to student council? Thanks to some backwards-ass loopholes, I'm still there, I can't resign, and the only way to leave is to get de-elected. Oh, and they'll take my jeep if I just try to leave."

"So... you need a de-election campaign?" Pietro grinned, scratching his chin. "Alright. I'm appointing myself your campaign manager."

"Wait, I was th' campaign manager when he got elected," Todd argued. "Why mess with success?"

"Success got me_ into _this mess," Lance groaned. "Toad, you're out. Pietro's in."

"You got elected to student council?" Wanda asked, leaning against the doorframe. "I find that hard to believe."

"Bayville students are idiots," Lance said. "I just did it to one-up Summers and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. So, are you gonna help or are you just gonna stay locked up in your room as usual?"

"I have to say, morbid curiosity is sinking in," Wanda admitted. "I'm in."

"Great," Pietro said. "First order of business... image control. Toad, brew us some coffee. The living room is now Alvers De-Election Campaign Headquarters."

"Do we have any coffee?" Todd asked.

"Probably not," Pietro replied. "So go get some."

--------------------

"I need to make sure this punk stays in student council," Kelly said to his campaign manager, Susan, back at his campaign headquarters. "That should keep him and his thugs busy during the election. In fact, I've found someone to run against him."

"Shouldn't you be focusing on your own campaign?"

"Kurt Wagner," Kelly revealed, holding up a picture of Nightcrawler. "His girlfriend is the vice-president of student council, and she'll pressure him into taking a high position to boost his own self-confidence. With any luck, Xavier will do the same to help promote mutants... but we'll secretly fund a campaign to make Wagner look pathetic and weak, forcing the students to re-elect Alvers."

"You're supposed to be preparing for a debate."

"Who cares? I have high school drama to mastermind, here!"

--------------------

"So, I've decided to run for student council president!" Kurt Wagner announced at the dinner table at the mansion, in front of Professor Xavier, Logan, Storm, Scott, Jean, Rogue, Kitty, Bobby, Amara, Sam, Ray... okay, you know what? Let's just say everyone was there. This was met by unanimous applause by his teammates, and especially by Professor Xavier. Everyone except Scott.

"Kurt... you realize how boring that job is, don't you?" Scott said. "I was acting president for most of the school year, thanks to that jerk Alvers. You don't make any important decisions... you just fund school dances and put up banners and decorations and stuff."

"...What? Bobby, that's not what you told me!" Kurt said.

"Oh, I hardly pay attention," Bobby said, playing with his food. "But being president sounds great, and you're the man, Kurt!"

"But... I can't back out now," Kurt said, rubbing his head. "I promised Amanda I would do this. She has her heart set on seeing my elected president... oh, what do I do now?"

"You can probably still run and try to lose," Rogue suggested. "That way you're not disappointing Amanda."

"You should be more worried about disappointing yourself," Xavier said. "I think it would be great to have a mutant on student council, especially during this mayoral election."

"But if Kurt loses, Lance wins," Jean reminded him. "There would still be a mutant running the student council."

"Oh, do what you want!" Xavier shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "I take you in and bathe you, clothe you, feed you, and all I ask in return is that you do as I command and let me watch you pee and occasionally put your lives in danger for my entertainment. Is that so much to ask? Ingrates!"

--------------------

"Coffee sucks," Pietro mumbled, sipping from a foam cup. Todd frowned; he didn't have enough to get coffee from an actual coffee house, so he went to the gas station. Understandably, the coffee did suck.

The Brotherhood had gathered in the living room around the coffee table to discuss their campaign strategy. Pietro sat on the couch with Wanda and Fred, while Lance sat in a sofa chair and Todd was perched on a wooden chair from the kitchen. On the table, Pietro had a notebook and a pencil. The brainstorming session was quite heated.

"...Any ideas?"

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Ooh!" Fred said, an idea popping into his head. "How about, 'Don't vote for Alvers'?"

"I like it," Lance said.

"That's crap," Pietro groaned. "C'mon, we need something with pizzazz. Something that jumps out... we need a central strategy. Lance, what were your strongest points as president?"

"Uh, I stole money from the treasury," Lance shrugged.

"Great! Let's work with that," Pietro said, writing it down.

"How about this," Wanda explained. "'Don't vote for a known thief- don't vote Lance Alvers.'"

"I like it," Lance said.

"Crap," Pietro whined. "It's a good start, but... it doesn't jump out. It doesn't grab me. It's not a tour de force. We need a slogan that grabs people by the pants and never lets go." Fred tried to edge himself away from Pietro. "Something catchy, something that really stays in your head..."

"Alvers is a thief, not our chief!" Todd declared.

"I like it!" Lance said.

"That's retarded," Pietro said. Todd frowned again. "Wait, I've got it... we'll use reverse psychology. We'll make this look like a real campaign... 'Lance hates babies, re-elect Lance Alvers!'"

"I hate it," Lance said.

"Oh, come on!" Pietro complained. "It's gold! We trick everyone into thinking you want to be elected, but make you out to be such a bad candidate that there's no way it can work!"

"What if it backfires?" Wanda asked. "Maybe they'll think we're being ironic, and they'll elect Lance because of his 'edgy' campaign style."

"Let's not take any unnecessary risks," Lance said to Pietro.

"Relax you guys. The pinheads at Bayville are too stupid to see irony. They'll think we're being serious... because we are! But hey, get this... how about doing the opposite of what Mayor Kelly's doing?"

"An anti-human campaign?" Todd asked.

"Exactly," Pietro grinned. "We'll make Lance out to be some kind of mini-Magneto. Who'll elect him?"

"I... guess that could work," Lance said, scratching his head. "But let's make sure to get this right, if I'm stuck at meetings with creepy Amanda Sefton, I'm going to kick your ass, Pietro."

--------------------

Lance walked through the halls of Bayville High for the first time in several months, noting that the freshmen seemed smaller than he remembered. Pietro and Todd had already gone through the trouble of putting up campaign posters, which Lance stopped to admire. All of them had colorful and thought-provoking slogans.

_Lance Alvers hates babies and kittens! Re-elect Lance Alvers!_

_Lance Alvers hates non-mutants! Re-elect Lance Alvers!_

_Lance Alvers for an all-White Student Council! Re-elect Lance Alvers!_

Lance felt the last one went too far, but as long as it kept him from getting elected. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't even sure if he was white. Noting that Kitty was putting up posters further down the hall, Lance walked up to her.

"Hey Kitty, this is a strange question, but am I white?" Lance asked.

"You mean you don't know?" Kitty asked. "What were your parents?"

"I don't know, I never asked," Lance replied. "The issue never came up. So... what do you think?"

"Well, I'm not sure, and it really doesn't matter," Kitty replied. "But Bobby swears you're Latino, and that your family changed your last name from Alvarez to Alvers."

"Really?" Lance said, scratching his head. "Hmm. That sounds a bit far-fetched." Looking at the poster Kitty had just put up, Lance realized that Kurt was his opponent. "Oh, so Kurt's running for president, too?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, I'm rooting for you," Kitty smiled.

"Rooting for me? I'm trying to lose so I can get away from this whole thing."

"...Actually, so is Kurt." Lance glanced at the poster, which featured the slogan, '_Mutant Pride Forever! Kurt Wagner for President!_' Lance ground his teeth. Kurt had come up with a more subtle way of discouraging voters.

"What?! Why?! Student Council is great, Kurt will love it, trust me!"

"Sorry, Lance. I know how much you'd hate to win... but Kurt's like a brother to me," Kitty told him. "It's nothing personal. So, good luck with the election!" She kissed him on the cheek.

"You can't do this to me!" Lance yelled in desperation as Kitty walked away. "How could you root for me? How could you want me to be president?! I thought you cared about me!"

--------------------

Fred Dukes lumbered through the courtyard outside the cafeteria, drawing the attention of the students gathered at the picnic tables for lunch. Finding one of the nerdy kids eating alone, Fred took his food tray and threw it into the bushes.

"Hey!" the kid protested.

"Lance Alvers sends his regards!" Fred yelled, picking up the picnic table. The kid jumped off and ran before Fred lifted it over his head and slammed it back onto the ground, splintering it. Moving to the next table, where a group of popular girls wearing trendy clothes and hairstyles were eating and gossiping, Fred reached his large arms across the table, pushing food trays right at them and ruining their clothes.

"What do you think you're doing?!" one of the girls protested.

"Vote for Lance Alvers or else!" Fred bellowed, frightening the girl into submission.

"Do something!" the nerdy kid said to a teacher, who was standing near the door and watching as Fred bullied a third table.

"I'm sorry, I don't see what's wrong with what he's doing," the history teacher, Mr. Donovan, said. Then, Fred moved to the table where four members of the football team, identifiable by their letterman jackets, were busy eating and palling around. Fred pushed their apparently leader to the ground.

Now, Dr. Donovan could take no more.

"How DARE you?!" Donovan screamed, his face turning red and his eyes practically popping out of his head. As he stomped towards Fred, he pushed lesser students aside, punching another nerdy kid in the face. Donovan tore off his shirt, revealing bulging muscles and throbbing veins. "You want to fuck with the football team, punk?"

"Oh, so everything's fair game until I pick on the football team, huh?" Fred asked defiantly.

"You're damn right it is!" Donovan growled through his teeth. Fred began to back away. Donovan took a discarded foot tray and snapped it in half. "You want to fuck with the big boys, son? Let's go! Show me your moves, you little freak! Show me what you've got!" Fred threw a punch, but Donovan somehow caught it, crushing Fred's enormous hand. Fred's eyes watered and he tried to keep from screaming. Donovan let him go and pushed the much larger mutant to the ground. "This is Bayville you giant piece of shit! Don't fuck with Bayville High Football!"

Not wanting any more trouble from the angry teacher, Fred cut his losses and ran away.

"Don't fuck with Bayville High Football!" Donovan screamed, jumping onto a table (and ruining the meals of three students) and pounding his chest.

--------------------

"Lance is also running a self-defeating campaign?" Kurt asked, tail drooped. Scott, Jean, Kitty, Rogue and Bobby were present in the kitchen, helping him with his campaign. "But that's not fair!"

"So, let's just step things up and make sure you look worse than Lance," Rogue suggested.

"Or better yet, let's try to make Lance look better than Kurt," Jean said.

"A hard task if ever there was one," Scott muttered.

"But it can be accomplished," Professor Xavier said, entering the kitchen. "I think we should-"

"Okay, Professor," Scott interrupted. "You've been acting really weird lately. You're probably going to suggest we bring Lance in so we can clone him and force the clone to breed with a female clone of Kurt or something really creepy like that, and then the offspring will become your personal assistant, or something."

"Scott, is something wrong?" Xavier asked.

"Yeah, I'll say something's wrong! You've been using us like puppets for some sick, sinister game and we're not taking it anymore!"

"Uh, Scott..." Jean said. "We discussed this. That was just a dream you had."

"Huh? Well, explain why he's grinning."

"Because the situation is rather funny," Xavier replied. "Both Lance and Kurt have become involved in this race for different reasons, and it's quite ironic that both would run a campaign with the intention of losing. What you need is some time to think, and come up with an effective strategy. Remember, by losing, you're really winning."

"I... I guess, Professor. Sorry about that little outburst."

"Think nothing of it, stress makes us all say silly things," the Professor smiled.

"C'mon, guys," Kurt said, leading the group. "Let's go work on some new slogans." As the group left the kitchen, Xavier took three marionettes from his jacket, one with a visor, one with a cheap red wig, and one painted blue with a tail tacked on to the back. He played with his puppets and laughed.

"Dance, you ignorant fools, so long as I have the ability to alter your minds, you will never learn my true motives!" He stopped when he noticed the door was open and Beast was looking in. He quickly put away the marionettes. "Ahem. Practicing for a pla... wait, why am I bothering with excuses?"

"Hello, Charles!" Beast said, already wiped of any incriminating memories. "I'm on my way to add a few new programs to the Danger Room."

"Ah, I'll go with you." As Professor Xavier turned his wheelchair, he knocked it against the side of the kitchen counter and flew out of it, knocking the counter again and letting a bowl of fruit fall on his head. After a moment, he pulled himself back onto his chair and rubbed his head. "Ugh... oh my. What have I been doing with these marionettes? Maybe I need some more fresh air..."

--------------------

"What did you learn?" Wanda asked as Todd jumped over the Institute's fence. Wanda wore her costume's coat and pulled her collar higher in order to avoid being seen, and held a cell phone in one hand. Of course, now that Todd was sitting next to her outside the fence, that was hard to avoid.

Well, it wasn't like anyone checked the freaking fence. Since joining the Brotherhood, Todd had jumped over it undetected seven times. Four of those instances involved immediately attacking the first person he saw, and somehow he still didn't trigger the security system.

"Kurt's in it to impress Amanda," Todd explained. "Way I see it, he wants to get him some nookie, but he don't wanna win. So he needs to lose without lookin' like he's tryin' to lose."

"Just as Pietro predicted," Wanda whispered to herself. "If we want Lance to lose, we'll have to try something more subtle. I've been cold-calling students at random. The current campaign's backfiring."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Lance is becoming some kind of cultural icon among the students," Wanda explained. "They think the self-defeating ad slogans are funny. So, they want to vote for him. I told Pietro this would happen. C'mon, let's get back to the house."

"You know, we're out here, all alone," Todd began. "I think we should make out in front of th' mansion, that'll be like giving blueboy the finger."

"Todd, I'm too tired to hex you right now." Wanda paused. Turned to Todd, she blasted him with a hex that send him spinning upward into a tree. "No, I still had some energy left." She walked away, leaving Todd up in the tree.

"You know that just turns me on even more, right?" Todd shouted to her.

--------------------

The students of Bayville gathered in the auditorium for the Student Council debates. On the stage, two podiums had been set up for the presidential candidates. In actuality, the school only had two podiums, so if there were more than two candidates, someone would have to share. Fortunately, that hadn't happened yet.

Lance and Kurt took to their podiums as the twelve students who cared showed up. That number of course excludes the X-Men and the Brotherhood, who sat on opposite sides of the auditorium. Principal Kelly stood beneath the stage as moderator, though at the same time, members of his mayoral campaign were busy relaying numbers and information. A camera had been set up next to him, as he was simultaneously participating in the mayoral debate against his opponent, Mayor Richardson. Somehow, he intended to balance these two debates.

"First question," Kelly announced. "For the incumbent, Mr. Alvers. How do you-"

"Mr. Kelly, we need your approval on this speech for tomorrow," Susan interrupted. Kelly continued speaking while glancing over the speech.

"...How do you feel about giving those damn dirty mutants what they deser... uh..." Kelly rubbed his eyes. "How do you feel about the Wagner incident from last year?"

"I still have no idea what it was about," Lance replied. "But I say that we haven't gone far enough with this. I say that if a guy wants to smear feces on the walls, he should be allowed to!"

"That's not at all what happened," Kurt protested. "But that is besides the issue. I am here for the preservation of rights for all mutants." Lance scowled; Kurt was getting better at this. In the audience, Amanda screamed out loud that she loved Kurt. From his seat, Pietro motioned quickly. Lance nodded.

"Uh, but nobody is more concerned with the future of the mutant race than I am," Lance said. "Which is why I plan to implement a human registration act."

"Follow-up question," Kelly said, "How do you feel about abortion? Er... wait." Kelly pushed an aide away and returned to the scripted questions. "How do you... oh wow. This is on here? Ahem. How do you feel about abortion?"

"I feel that... uh..." Kurt's eyes darted nervously back and forth between Scott and Amanda. Scott kept signaling, but Kurt couldn't tell. "I feel that the greater issue is that we don't have enough sauerkraut in the cafeteria."

"Alvers, your response?"

"I feel that sauerkraut is the most delicious thing in the world," Lance replied. "In fact, I hope to have the lunch menu changed entirely to sauerkraut."

"Gays don't deserve rights," Kelly announced. Realizing he had said that into the microphone and not muttered to an aide as he believed, he quickly added "I... uh... how does that statement... make you feel?"

"I love gays," Kurt said bluntly.

"Me too," Lance added. "In fact, I am gay for Kurt." A fangirl in the audience squealed; her yaoi slash fanfiction was at last justified.

"Two seconds, Mr. Kelly!" Susan shouted.

"Pardon me for a moment." Kelly turned to a camera adjacent to the moderator's desk. "And I believe that Mayor Richardson should not be allowed near children for that very reason." He quickly turned back to the stage and gathered his notes. "Mr. Wagner, how do you feel about teen pregnancy?"

"I say that we should go to those who girls who have become impregnated and say to them-"

"Quit your bitching, you annoying slut!" Kelly yelled at Susan. She slapped him, and he quickly turned back to the stage. "Pardon, continue."

"It's your turn to respond!" Susan told him. Kelly turned back to the camera.

"Read my lips, no new taxes!" Kelly declared.

"Mr. Kelly, the question was about health care."

"Hey, we're having a debate up here, pay attention!" Lance yelled. Kelly quickly skimmed through the notes.

"Mr. Alvers, what do you have to say about stem cell research?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know what that is," Lance said.

"We should not meddle in God's domain!" Kurt declared.

"And I think that you're too soft on terror!" Kelly shouted at Kurt. Noting his surprised look, Kelly quickly turned to the camera. "Er, and I think you're too soft on terror. Mayor Richardson." He looked down at his notes. "That's all the questions. So, closing statements?"

"I feel that united under my rule, mutantkind can at last conquer the worthless human race," Lance announced. "Without a doubt, what this school needs is-"

"Abortions at all times!" Kelly shouted. "This is what Mayor Richardson wants!" Turning back to the stage, Kelly added. "Mr. Wagner, closing statement?"

"...I, uh, feel that diversity is what makes this school so great," Kurt said. "And more mutants in school would lead to a glorious new future. To all of my supporters, I'd like to say-"

"Oh fuck off already!" Kelly yelled to Susan, who promptly slapped him again. As he rubbed his cheek, he said into the microphone. "That concludes tonight's debates. Good night."

As the students shuffled out, Kurt and Lance shook hands.

"I intend to lose this," Lance said to him.

"I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed," Kurt replied. As Amanda ran up and hugged Kurt, Lance returned to his own campaign team.

"How'd I do?"

"Lousy!" Pietro berated. "You went completely off-message. Mutant oppression, mutant oppression! What did we have all of those meetings for?!"

"Tax write-offs!" Fred announced happily.

"Guys, we're going to have to do the same thing we did to get Lance elected," Pietro said. "It's time to rig the vote."

--------------------

Night had fallen in Bayville, and the votes had all been locked. Wearing his green and white combat suit, Toad crawled through the ventilation shaft. It was decided that either he or Pietro, both being the two slimmest members of the group, would stay behind and open the door from the inside. Todd drew the short straw, so he had waited in the ventilation shaft until nightfall. He'd probably wake up with a cold the next morning.

"How'd I end up doin' this twice?" Toad asked himself. He unscrewed one of the vents and jumped out. As he approached the door, it slowly opened... without tripping the alarm. The Scarlet Witch walked in and Blob held the door open for Avalanche and Quicksilver. "Wait a minute, how'd you get in?"

"Wanda hexed the door alarm and lock," Quicksilver explained.

"So what the hell did you send me to stay in the vent shaft for, foo?!"

"We wanted to see if you'd do it," Avalanche said. Toad gave him a quick raspberry, then hopped after them as they moved down the hall. Blob remained by the door, in case anyone else showed up.

At the Principal's office, Toad picked the lock (insisting on doing so, despite Wanda's presence), and kicked the door open. The ballot box was lying on the desk, but...

"What?!" Nightcrawler said, looking up. He had teleported into the office a few feet away from the desk. Acting quickly, Quicksilver ran to the ballot box, but suddenly, he found himself lifted into the air. Jean Grey stood behind the Brotherhood, levitating him.

"They're here," Avalanche said. "Toad, get the box!"

"Leave her to me," the Scarlet Witch said, facing Jean. With a quick hex, Jean's telekinetic powers were reversed, forcing her into the air. Still, Jean wasn't about to be taken by surprise this time- she used her powers to levitate Wanda and throw her across the hall.

Toad grabbed the ballet box with his tongue and jumped over Avalanche, hopping towards the door. A red beam nearly hit him, instead smashing a set of nearby lockers. Cyclops continued after him, motioning for Nightcrawler's assistance. Shadowcat phased up from the floor and joined the pursuit.

Nightcrawler appeared a foot in front of Toad, waiting to snag the box, but Quicksilver quickly took it from Toad's hands. Before Kurt could realize what had happened, Quicksilver was already running down the hall. Suddenly, he lost his footing- the floor was covered in ice.

"Hey, dude!" Iceman said, giving Pietro a thumbs up. "Cool party, huh?"

"Die already!" Avalanche yelled, running towards him. Rogue jumped in his way, pulling off a glove, but a glob of slime from Toad covered her bare hand. Using her teeth, she pulled off the second glove and put her hand on Toad's face, putting him out of the battle.

Avalanche created a ripple through the floor that cracked the ice and knocked Iceman and Rogue onto their backs. As if that wasn't enough, Blob had joined the battle and grabbed the dazed X-Men, throwing Rogue out an open window, and Iceman through closed glass. It was hard to tell the flying glass apart from the ice shards chipping off of Iceman's protective ice layer, but he wasn't going to wake up any time soon.

"I've got the box," Quicksilver said. "Hold them off until I can get away-AAAGH!" Shadowcat jumped out of the floor and tackled him, throwing the box to Cyclops.

"Kitty, you're making this really hard for us," Avalanche told her.

"Sorry, Lance, but we both have our teams. Like I said, nothing personal."

"I feel the same way!" Quicksilver said, pushing Kitty harshly into a set of lockers. She lost consciousness and dropped to the floor, eliciting a dirty look from Avalanche. "What? It's nothing personal."

Further down the hall, a series of desks swirled in the air above the Scarlet Witch. She hurled them towards Jean Grey, but Jean was able to halt and deflect them... most of them, anyway, as the single desk she missed swept her off her feet. With Jean down, Wanda raised the remaining desks, glowing with hex energy, and brought them all crashing down...

...On the floor.

Nightcrawler re-appeared several feet behind the Scarlet Witch, with Jean in tow. Using the opportunity, Jean lifted the Scarlet Witch off her feet and threw her against the ceiling. Wanda dropped down harshly onto the floor, looking up towards Jean and weakly raising her hand. It went limp as she blacked out.

As Cyclops ran for the door, Blob charged towards him, shrugging off the optic blast. While Cyclops was distracted, Quicksilver once again took the ballot box. No longer occupied by the Scarlet Witch, Jean lifted Quicksilver off his feet again, this time long enough for Cyclops to give him one last optic blast.

Unfortunately, the moment Cyclops turned his attention towards Quicksilver, Blob continued his charged and knocked Cyclops into the wall. Now, only Jean and Nightcrawler remained.

Avalanche and Blob, the remaining Brotherhood members, stood their ground against their foes.

"Two of us and two of you," Blob said.

"Let's finish this," Avalanche added.

"Kurt, get the box out of here," Jean advised.

"No," Nightcrawler said, putting the box down. "We have to settle this. The winner is the loser..."

"...And the loser is the winner," Avalanche finished, smiling. Nightcrawler teleported behind Avalanche for a sneak attack, but Avalanche caught his fist and punched him in the face. While Nightcrawler reeled, Avalanche pointed his hand towards the ground and made an unstable floor, but Nightcrawler teleported before he could fall over.

Re-appearing on Avalanche's shoulders, Nightcrawler pulled his bowl helmet off, then threw it upwards. Before it could fall back down, Kurt teleported away, letting it hit Avalanche's head with a hard thud. Momentarily disoriented, Avalanche was unprepared for a hard kick from behind, but it was too weak to do much. Nightcrawler teleported again to strike Avalanche from another angle, but this time Lance blocked the kick. Nightcrawler then appeared on his right side, but Avalanche grabbed his foot and threw him towards the lockers.

In mid-air, Nightcrawler righted himself and clung to the lockers, then crawled up towards the ceiling. Avalanche sent vibrations from the floor and up to the walls and ceiling, loosening some of the ceiling panels and a few of the lights. Jean stopped falling debris from falling on her, and Blob just covered his head with his arms. Nightcrawler lost his grip and fell back down, but just as he was about to teleport, Avalanche grabbed him.

Kurt re-appeared again, with Avalanche still clinging to him and trying to punch him in the back. Nightcrawler trying teleporting constantly, but Avalanche kept porting along with him, pummeling him.

Elsewhere, Quicksilver sat up, rubbing his head. He saw the duel, but didn't stop to ask why Jean and Blob weren't helping. Instead, he dashed towards the ballot box, which was lying on the ground, and took it. With a wave of her hand, Jean knocked him to the side, though Pietro protected himself by using the box as a buffer.

As a result, the ballot box hit the wall along with Quicksilver and burst open.

There were only four slips inside.

"What the fuck is this?" Torn away from their epic battle for student council, Avalanche and Nightcrawler bent down to look at the ballot slips. "One for Kurt, one for me... two for Brad? Who the fuck is Brad?"

"He was at the meeting," Nightcrawler said. "I had no idea he was running... wait, this one's in Amanda's handwriting. She didn't even vote for me?"

"Isn't that what you wanted?" Avalanche asked.

"Well, yes, but... she didn't know that. But then, who did vote for me?"

"Fuck that, who voted for _me_?" Avalanche asked. "I ran on a mutant supremacist platform!"

"Well, let's just put these back where we found them," Nightcrawler suggested. "So, I guess we won."

"No, we lost."

"Yes, but I mean that by losing, we won," Nightcrawler explained.

"No, we won because we lost."

"I know, that's what I said!"

"No, you said we lost by winning," Avalanche said.

"No, I said we won by losing... but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing!"

"No it's not!" Avalanche shouted, then punched Nightcrawler in the face. As the epic battle continued, Jean put the slips back in the box and put it back in the principal's office. No one would have to know that anything had happened.

Well, except for whoever came to school and observed all of the rampant property damage.

--------------------

"At last!" Brad the Dumb Jock yelled, running out of Bayville High and falling to his knees, throwing his hands towards the sky, tears running down his cheeks, bathed in the warm light of the sun descending from the heavens. "At long last, I'm president! Thank you! Thank you so much!"

"I'm so glad that isn't me," Kurt said, walking out of the building with Kitty. Scott was waiting on the curb to pick them up. "But... what if I could've done something about mutant equality in the school? Maybe I could've made a difference."

"No, student council never makes a difference," Kitty assured him. "They're just figureheads voted in on their popularity. Why do you think the school doesn't let them make any real decisions?"

"I guess you're right... but Amanda's going to be so disappointed."

"Well, we have bigger problems right now," Scott said, as Kurt and Kitty got into his car. "They're done counting the voting irregularities. Kelly won the election."

"What does this mean?" Kitty asked.

"It means we've got an uphill battle." Scott pointed to Mayor-Elect Kelly, who was dancing the mashed potato outside of Bayville High, thumbing his nose at them.

--------------------

"Gentlemen, and lady, here's to a successful campaign," Pietro said, raising a glass of water in the Brotherhood's kitchen. The others all did the same. They would've celebrated with something else, but they were low on funds. "Now, before we get out of 'campaign mode,' let's think about the other issue at hand... Apocalypse. The X-Men keep hogging the spotlight, and we need to show the world that we were just as instrumental. More so, in fact!"

"You know, we've still got bills to pay," Wanda reminded him. "We're a month behind on the electric bill. If we don't pay soon, we're getting cut off again."

"Yeah, and we haven't paid the water bill, either," Fred added. "I didn't even take a shower today."

"Yeah... me neither!" Todd quickly added. Nobody bought his excuse.

"Okay, we need a heist," Pietro suggested. "We-" Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone looked around to see if maybe it was just faulty light bulbs, but no, the power had gone. "...We need to pay our light bill."

"Look at it this way," Todd said, "Maybe we don't got power, or water. Maybe our food's runnin' low. Maybe our house smells like a landfill, but you know what? We got each other. An' that's what counts." Lance and Pietro exchanged glances. Fred looked down, and Wanda sighed.

"That's retarded, Toad," Lance reminded him. The others all nodded.

"Well here's what I think of you guys," Todd said, holding up his middle fingers. "There. Ya like that? That's what I think of you! Merry fuckin' Christmas to all of you!"

And so ended another day at the Brotherhood of Bayville Boarding House. They knew they would have to stick together, whether they liked it or not. And in truth, they did enjoy each other's company. They knew that every now and then they would have a small victory, and here and there, they would share some good laughs.

But in their hearts, they knew that no matter what fortune life brought them, no matter what perils they overcame, and no matter how much effort they put into improving their lives, that they would always remain perpetually screwed.

**The End.**

**And so ends Perpetually Screwed. **

**But... I'm not done with the Brotherhood. Not by a long shot. I've already started work on a sequel of sorts. In fact, it's been in progress for several years, but remained unpublished (so to speak) because I was never satisfied with it, and would frequently re-write it (three times starting over entirely from scratch). Or, real life would get in the way. Either way, it's nearly finished. As a side note, the story you just read was written in three days. It probably shows...**

**So, Perpetually Screwed is finished, but King of the Worthless will continue to write for the Brotherhood. Let's assume things go well this time.**

**Once again, I want to thank all twelve of you for sticking by and following this series. It's been a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you've had as much fun reading it.**


End file.
